Day 1325 Why did you abandon me

2 10 2016

Hello friends it’s finally cool in Texas 85 yesterday which had people in sweaters and coats. Also everything pumpkin spice Is out including dog food and toilet paper. Here’s to fall, football, and streakers at sporting events.
Defination of abandoned -no longer held or thought of : given up.
Our founder of Rock bottom outreach Rick Smith  was giving his testimony at Springtown Texas See Ya at the Pole last Wednesdays  and spoke about his abandonment  issues. I listened whole hardheartedly for the first time and it slapped me in the face. This has been one of my biggest issues that I wouldn’t admit because I just didn’t know.
As I walked by my dad’s room leading to my room I always either shook my head or asked why. Why did you give up on me, (aka abandon us)mom and my little sister. Why when I need you the most you can’t or won’t. Don’t you see what I’m trying to do and I’ll need is guidance but your gone. Dammit dad help me but nothing.  Tell me it’s going to be okay, tell me you’ll help me, tell me I can do it but don’t give up on me. Still nothing,  so the sooner you die the better. You quit on me so I’m done with you when your ready to go. So he dies and he leaves me (abandoned).
My ex wife- in the back of my mind for 14 years if  I wasn’t good enough for my dad there is no way you’ll stay with me but since I don’t give up I won’t quit on you.  Problem is when you think that way you live by a scorecard. See what I did for you, us. I’m enough because of  the tasks I do not for the love I have for you or me. Sooner or later people can’t score enough points and you really aren’t enough. Even when I completed my list of changes you asked and became 180 degree different man. You abandoned me and I wasn’t enough again.
My mom, who was my best friend left us this past December. Nobody asked me to take her it wasn’t her time. She didn’t get to see all the great things I was going to do, see my new family complete, or when I needed your tough love where did you go. How dare you  God take her. Now she and you have abandoned me.
I meet this beautiful,amazing woman who would die for me and I spend the majority of our relationship trying to push her away. In my mind I say this is what’s wrong with her ( which is really nothing), so I’ll just remind her so she’ll leave me too. There is no way since my dad, my ex-wife, mom and yes Jesus abandoned she’s going to as well but all shes does is love me when I don’t want to be enough or think shes going to leave.
Thanks God for abandoning me time and time again. I know better. God has always been there for me, he saved my life, but it’s better to blame him than see the truth. I’m a crappy Christian and follower  because I believe the lies the devil whispers in my ears. Healing is real when you want and believe it. I’m asking all of  these unperfect, broken people to be perfect and love me but I won’t do the same without thinking their going to leave me.
So I know abandonment now. It’s another hurdle on this journey. It’s realizing that if I embrace the ones that love me and know if I feel abandonment they do to and not push them to leave because they can and will. I can hurt them so much too not even knowing that I’m doing it.
My first thing I want to say I’m sorry to the ones I push away I didn’t know I was doing it. I’m constantly working to be better so bare with me. God honors obedience and he loves us even when don’t or won’t love ourselves. He never leaves us. Ever!
Thanks for reading and supporting this crazy weird bald dude.

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Day 701 Just let me bake

29 12 2014

I get a lot of questions about what does day such and such mean on the title of your blog. It has been 701 days since I put a stake in the ground and said my life changes from this day forward. So far the old is gone and new Tyler Wood continues to form. Thank you to my friends the Goodgions. I got to see them as there dad starts chemo tomorrow. Lunch was amazing and laughing was the best. Finally laying in my bed last night I wondered why I didn’t go out. I got a very random Facebook message from a college buddy. All I know I’m thankful that I could be there at that moment. Nothing is over until you take your last breath and no matter what mistakes you make all that matters is that your here. We rise from the ashes my friend and you will too.

Those thinking by the title that I’m going to be talking about marijuana I’m sorry I’m not, that might be another blog. lol. I’ve homemade cookies before and if you haven’t but you should. If you haven’t you’ve seen it. There are 1000 of different recipes. You mix and stir and then you get the cookies on the cookie sheet to bake. Before you ever get them out of the oven you criticize, you laugh at the funny looking ones, you start telling yourself I bet these don’t taste good,you wonder what others will think if the cookies look weird or taste bad and this is all done before the cookies are finished. You really have no idea about the cookies  but your opinion is formed before they are finished. I think you see where Im going here. We are all those cookies that are being stared out and opinions formed before we are done. Where we are today is not where we will finish. Some of us have a few days some have 50 more years. To look at something based on a recipe  that we once followed and judge it or  throw it away and given up on before you even have one true chance to see the final project is just stupid. I know it happens but if someone looked at you today and said that’s it. They don’t get any better and based on some past thought or just what you see I give up on you.  You see, no matter what kind of cookie you are somebody will like your cookie and you will find your batch one day. Many people gave up on me, life long friends, enemies, and my ex-wife. If I would have continued in my path my kids would have. Just give me time to bake I’m not done yet. I might look funny now or you think that my recipe is missing an ingredient, my edges are browning but my center is still soft. I’m not done baking yet. We will be judged no matter what. Stop telling people not to judge because its like breathing it’s so hard to stop,So what if they judge you and they never get to enjoy the best cookie ever because they walked away while we were still baking. No matter where you’re at we’re not done until the timer goes off. Sorry about the cooking reference but its a good analogy I thought. Remember it’s not how you start, its how you finish that matters. Carry on my good and faithful son and daughter.





Day 701 Just let me bake

28 12 2014

I get a lot of questions about what does day such and such mean on the title of your blog. It has been 701 days since I put a stake in the ground and said my life changes from this day forward. So far the old is gone and new Tyler Wood continues to form. Thank you to my friends the Goodgions. I got to see them as there dad starts chemo tomorrow. Lunch was amazing and laughing was the best. Finally laying in my bed last night I wondered why I didn’t go out. I got a very random Facebook message from a college buddy. All I know I’m thankful that I could be there at that moment. Nothing is over until you take your last breath and no matter what mistakes you make all that matters is that your here. We rise from the ashes my friend and you will too.

Those thinking by the title that I’m going to be talking about marijuana I’m sorry I’m not, that might be another blog. lol. I’ve homemade cookies before and if you haven’t but you should. If you haven’t you’ve seen it. There are 1000 of different recipes. You mix and stir and then you get the cookies on the cookie sheet to bake. Before you ever get them out of the oven you criticize, you laugh at the funny looking ones, you start telling yourself I bet these don’t taste good,you wonder what others will think if the cookies look weird or taste bad and this is all done before the cookies are finished. You really have no idea about the cookies  but your opinion is formed before they are finished. I think you see where Im going here. We are all those cookies that are being stared out and opinions formed before we are done. Where we are today is not where we will finish. Some of us have a few days some have 50 more years. To look at something based on a recipe  that we once followed and judge it or  throw it away and given up on before you even have one true chance to see the final project is just stupid. I know it happens but if someone looked at you today and said that’s it. They don’t get any better and based on some past thought or just what you see I give up on you.  You see, no matter what kind of cookie you are somebody will like your cookie and you will find your batch one day. Many people gave up on me, life long friends, enemies, and my ex-wife. If I would have continued in my path my kids would have. Just give me time to bake I’m not done yet. I might look funny now or you think that my recipe is missing an ingredient, my edges are browning but my center is still soft. I’m not done baking yet. We will be judged no matter what. Stop telling people not to judge because its like breathing it’s so hard to stop,So what if they judge you and they never get to enjoy the best cookie ever because they walked away while we were still baking. No matter where you’re at we’re not done until the timer goes off. Sorry about the cooking reference but its a good analogy I thought. Remember it’s not how you start, its how you finish that matters. Carry on my good and faithful son and daughter.





DAY 498 WHEN ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE

11 06 2014

My kids are so much like me in every way. I couldn’t be more thankful for the chance to start over and be their dad for real this time. My daughter and I do daddy and daughter dates that I appreciate so much. Getting to talk to my daughter without outside influences is so great. Today I got to take my son to two of the house I’m  building and what I do know for sure: ifs their dirt boys will play in it, throw it and eat it if they think it smells like something good.

I’m not an expert in anything but I damn sure can let you know where I’ve been, how I got there ,and how Im starting to get out of it.  Yesterday and today randomly two different people just wanted to talk and needed some advice. I tried listening more than I talk which Im not great at but I’m a work in progress. Question comes down to this. What happened when all hell broke loose in your life. It’s hard to really remember when they day came and I could not take it anymore. When the damns of hell broke loose and I was being swept away in my own misery, guilt, fear, anger, and sadness. I hope you have never been there but if you have you know there are only two options really at that time, give up, or stand-up. I thought for about 30 minutes and the day was August 27th 2011. There was no lower point in my life and I remember I called two friends and then when I hung up I was emotional wreck and I literally hit my knees in my bedroom in the middle of the floor. It was truthfully the first time I had ever done that because you see when there are no other options your knees work pretty good. I yelled at God, cussed him and then said please take me now. Thank God I didn’t get my wish. I told God all the things I wasn’t and how I screwed up my entire life. ( Im sure he was there just tapping his fingers waiting for me to shut-up) then I got quiet and nothing. I wanted an answer right then dammit. I got in my car and drove which is how I clear my mind and finally I heard what about your babies. It’s the first time I acknowledge I was my kids daddy. I know that sounds stupid but it was.  I said I needed answers and please show me. People started reaching out to me and I started being honest about my problems. Then for the first time ever I decide counselors weren’t stupid and I would try it. Most know the story from here but here is what I want you to know.

There is no magic formula then or now. Give up or stand up. You may  not be in that season but if you have never been there its coming and if you have been there be a voice for someone. If you feel that pull at heart to call someone do it. They need you. Call that person close to  and be honest with them for the first time. Pull open that half stitched broken heart and pour out your poison. Most importantly hit your knees and pour open you heart to the man upstairs. He already knows whats going on he’s just waiting for you like he’s always waiting on us. He has never left us even when we thought he had.  Doesn’t mean its going to be easy but it damn sure can be healed. Remember this: Light cancels out darkness ever time so when hell breaks loose let God shine that light on and in your life for the first time. Then let the people he has put in your life carry the light until you can.





DAY 498 WHEN ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE

10 06 2014

My kids are so much like me in every way. I couldn’t be more thankful for the chance to start over and be their dad for real this time. My daughter and I do daddy and daughter dates that I appreciate so much. Getting to talk to my daughter without outside influences is so great. Today I got to take my son to two of the house I’m  building and what I do know for sure: ifs their dirt boys will play in it, throw it and eat it if they think it smells like something good.

I’m not an expert in anything but I damn sure can let you know where I’ve been, how I got there ,and how Im starting to get out of it.  Yesterday and today randomly two different people just wanted to talk and needed some advice. I tried listening more than I talk which Im not great at but I’m a work in progress. Question comes down to this. What happened when all hell broke loose in your life. It’s hard to really remember when they day came and I could not take it anymore. When the damns of hell broke loose and I was being swept away in my own misery, guilt, fear, anger, and sadness. I hope you have never been there but if you have you know there are only two options really at that time, give up, or stand-up. I thought for about 30 minutes and the day was August 27th 2011. There was no lower point in my life and I remember I called two friends and then when I hung up I was emotional wreck and I literally hit my knees in my bedroom in the middle of the floor. It was truthfully the first time I had ever done that because you see when there are no other options your knees work pretty good. I yelled at God, cussed him and then said please take me now. Thank God I didn’t get my wish. I told God all the things I wasn’t and how I screwed up my entire life. ( Im sure he was there just tapping his fingers waiting for me to shut-up) then I got quiet and nothing. I wanted an answer right then dammit. I got in my car and drove which is how I clear my mind and finally I heard what about your babies. It’s the first time I acknowledge I was my kids daddy. I know that sounds stupid but it was.  I said I needed answers and please show me. People started reaching out to me and I started being honest about my problems. Then for the first time ever I decide counselors weren’t stupid and I would try it. Most know the story from here but here is what I want you to know.

There is no magic formula then or now. Give up or stand up. You may  not be in that season but if you have never been there its coming and if you have been there be a voice for someone. If you feel that pull at heart to call someone do it. They need you. Call that person close to  and be honest with them for the first time. Pull open that half stitched broken heart and pour out your poison. Most importantly hit your knees and pour open you heart to the man upstairs. He already knows whats going on he’s just waiting for you like he’s always waiting on us. He has never left us even when we thought he had.  Doesn’t mean its going to be easy but it damn sure can be healed. Remember this: Light cancels out darkness ever time so when hell breaks loose let God shine that light on and in your life for the first time. Then let the people he has put in your life carry the light until you can.

 

 








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