Day 766 I don’t remember you or that at all

3 03 2015

My kids are such an extension of me with their humor, thoughts and funny expressions.. AS they get older I see it and hear it. If you  complain about being a parent just remember it can and will be taken from you. Being a parent is the hardest thing you will ever do but nothing will ever compare to the joy you will get from it. I will fight to be the best father for my children and hope by accident I can motivate or catch somebody by surprise and they will too.

Last night my daughter got to take a 3 hour survey at University of North Texas. It paid her 30 and she got to give her opinion on things. Which being in the 7th grade is an awesome thing. The survey took 3 hours and my son and I ran a few errands then came back to the university. I explained to my son that where I went to college and he wanted to know about it and so we started walking around. He asked questions that 6 years old do, where do you, go what did you do, did you have fun, did you fart anywhere, stuff like that. I bet we walked a 1.5 miles for 2 hours. I truly struggled to answer some of his questions. It was foggy in my brain, I know I tried at that age to fast forward my life so much so I could be an “adult” but I left so much of it behind. I couldn’t remember buildings, I couldn’t remember classes that I took.  I had a gentleman come up to me and say are you Tyler Wood? I said yes he asked why I was there I explained all of that. He said he would always remember me for the poem and essay I did about not quitting in his class. I m sure my stare was blank and like okay. He said you don’t remember me? I said no sir and Im sorry a lot of life has happened since then. He explained to me who he was and I acted like I then knew but I didn’t. He wished me the best and then my son said who was that. I told him I had no idea but I remember later. Well I went to UNT’s page today he was my favorite professor and I had 3 classes with him. When I walked around last night it wasn’t Twilight zone but it was a very hollow feeling. I actually got pretty darn sad. That such a big part of my life is missing. I m not sure I tried to forget it on purpose but its gone.

This morning Ive thought a lot about what I can remember and what I can’t. I ve forgotten more the last 3 years than I think I could ever remember. It’s maybe all the brain cells I killed drinking, or the shots in the head from Rugby but parts of my life are gone. They say if you want to remember something go back there. I did and still nothing! So whats the point: We try to erase the bad in our minds and we can, we try to speed life up so much we miss it, we wish our kids to grow up so fast and they do. We don’t live in the moment and because of that, the moments feel like we never existed in that moment. There are parts of my life Im embarrassed of but still don’t regret because every one of them made me who I am today. Yesterday I was a ghost in a place I spent 2.5 years of my life and I wondered if people could even see me. When someone says stop and smell the roses do you? If not why? Please just try to stop and remember the moment you’re in because it wont come back and possibly you’ll never remember it again. We should have remembered and when its gone its gone. Life is about living and then in that making a memory. I’m rambling but thanks for reading!!!





Day 766 I don’t remember you or that at all

3 03 2015

My kids are such an extension of me with their humor, thoughts and funny expressions.. AS they get older I see it and hear it. If you  complain about being a parent just remember it can and will be taken from you. Being a parent is the hardest thing you will ever do but nothing will ever compare to the joy you will get from it. I will fight to be the best father for my children and hope by accident I can motivate or catch somebody by surprise and they will too.

Last night my daughter got to take a 3 hour survey at University of North Texas. It paid her 30 and she got to give her opinion on things. Which being in the 7th grade is an awesome thing. The survey took 3 hours and my son and I ran a few errands then came back to the university. I explained to my son that where I went to college and he wanted to know about it and so we started walking around. He asked questions that 6 years old do, where do you, go what did you do, did you have fun, did you fart anywhere, stuff like that. I bet we walked a 1.5 miles for 2 hours. I truly struggled to answer some of his questions. It was foggy in my brain, I know I tried at that age to fast forward my life so much so I could be an “adult” but I left so much of it behind. I couldn’t remember buildings, I couldn’t remember classes that I took.  I had a gentleman come up to me and say are you Tyler Wood? I said yes he asked why I was there I explained all of that. He said he would always remember me for the poem and essay I did about not quitting in his class. I m sure my stare was blank and like okay. He said you don’t remember me? I said no sir and Im sorry a lot of life has happened since then. He explained to me who he was and I acted like I then knew but I didn’t. He wished me the best and then my son said who was that. I told him I had no idea but I remember later. Well I went to UNT’s page today he was my favorite professor and I had 3 classes with him. When I walked around last night it wasn’t Twilight zone but it was a very hollow feeling. I actually got pretty darn sad. That such a big part of my life is missing. I m not sure I tried to forget it on purpose but its gone.

This morning Ive thought a lot about what I can remember and what I can’t. I ve forgotten more the last 3 years than I think I could ever remember. It’s maybe all the brain cells I killed drinking, or the shots in the head from Rugby but parts of my life are gone. They say if you want to remember something go back there. I did and still nothing! So whats the point: We try to erase the bad in our minds and we can, we try to speed life up so much we miss it, we wish our kids to grow up so fast and they do. We don’t live in the moment and because of that, the moments feel like we never existed in that moment. There are parts of my life Im embarrassed of but still don’t regret because every one of them made me who I am today. Yesterday I was a ghost in a place I spent 2.5 years of my life and I wondered if people could even see me. When someone says stop and smell the roses do you? If not why? Please just try to stop and remember the moment you’re in because it wont come back and possibly you’ll never remember it again. We should have remembered and when its gone its gone. Life is about living and then in that making a memory. I’m rambling but thanks for reading!!!





Day 104 Who’s that Ghost

16 04 2013

Well I can still get mad. I’ve been working with the City of Dallas to get a permit for about 4 weeks now. Lets just say that having a job like that is great because customer service goes out the window and they don’t mind making you wait. I waited 6 hrs in the past two days and today I told someone. I wasn’t an ass but I wasn’t Mr. Rogers either. I never understand why someone has to get upset for something to happen. Oh well!

I ve had a lot of time to reflect in the past two days about my daughter’s baptism. I’m so happy and proud of her. She asked me today why I cried when I was about to baptize her and I explained how I had let her down and the mistakes I had made. The fact that she was sitting in the water was no only a testament to her but how far I had come as her dad. She looked at me and said dad you never let me down and if you did I forgot. Well to know that she doesn’t recall or that she was being nice is something I will remember forever.

Who was that Ghost sitting next to me tonight. I remember her smile, her smell and sound of her voice but I couldn’t recall. I carried on a conversation with her but she felt like someone I used to know. I sat there and watched the other kids and my daughter play their instruments and horse around and watched my son talk to her and sit in her lap and I couldn’t remember who the ghost was. I left the area not in a physical way but mentally and really tried to remember and wondered what in the hell happened. I then snapped back and it was ex-wife sitting next to me. She was a ghost to me. It honestly felt like I knew her at some point in my life but couldn’t place her. It was very odd but as the song goes “Its somebody I used to know” I know it means that I’m only getting healthier and healthier within myself but to know that you can spend 14 years with someone and its like they just disappeared. It does help us to get along better because it’s just we are two random folks that happen to have to be on the same page to raise our kids.

I never believed in Ghost but they are real.





Day 8 Ghost

10 01 2013

Okay the Insanity workout is a SOB. I m not going to be able to walk tomorrow but ti’s worth it. If you want a change of pace (I mean a real change of pace try it). My babies go back tot heir moms tomorrow which I always hate but I m glad that get to be with their mom. Today my son told me to just call if I got lonely or scared. My 4-year-old made my day.

Today at QT there was a lady who she was either having her day off or unemployed because she was in vacation mode. Why do I say that because she wasn’t wearing a bra and her freaking boobs went down to her belly button. That’s just wrong and gross. Nobody likes that at all. I m sure some gross man who has tobacco stains on his wife beater maybe but I threw up in my mouth just a bit. If your hot I will give you a pass but this lady wouldn’t know hot if she fell in lava. I know that was an asshole statement but please wear a bra. If my kids would have been their and I would had to explain and I wouldn’t have known what to say.

One of my closet friends and first roommate in college is coming up from Austin this weekend. We lived a lot of life together so I could tell you and some I can’t. He’s one of the one’s that I was to busy for while I was married and I promised myself and those close to me that I would correct that mistake this year and so far so good.

Had my first counseling appt of 2013 today. It was great as always but as usual I cried. I m still working on healing wounds but it was good to feel like the past is actually becoming just that. Brian (counselor and friend) talk about so many different things in our hour together and I never know which one affects me the most. Overcoming my fear and loneliness is probably what I struggle with the most. It’s not the loneliness you might think just sometimes feeling like a ghost no matter where you go. Like the movies that your there but someone could put their hand right through you and they would never know. I understand trying to medicate to fill that void but I guess since I haven’t poured myself into somebody else or drank, dope, or sex I m still left to dealing with the hard way but the best way I was told. Today both of us teared up over some past issues and man I was a total piece of shit. I know I have apologized but if you don’t read this I’m truly sorry if I treated you like crap. The great thing is I m try to be someone’s Advil and for the first time in years I m truly taking away people’s pain.








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