Day 1142 The Sony Walkman

20 03 2016

After 9 days without my kids I go them back, They got to go to Disney with their mom. I never have missed them so much. They had so much fun with lots of stories but I’m glad their back.  Spent some time with Rock Bottom outreach to this weekend. We gave back tot he homeless. It’s always great to get a different perspective on life and see that sometimes things happen that put us in places that we never expected to be.

Yesterday my amazing nephew celebrated his 12th birthday at Main Event. He had 4-5 friends there and family. It was his first birthday without my mom around you could tell her presence was missing. It took me back to a place for no reason on my 15th birthday. My nephew was spoiled for  sure. With food, presents and love. He got gifts and just kept opening them.  I know he liked them but like most kids now there spoiled. they have no idea how great they have it but hopefully we can teach them to be appreciative. I didn’t have a choice. My dad had lost job and became disable. My parents were doing everything to hang on to the house and cars and truthfully money was non-existent. We struggled in so many ways but my mom made sure nobody knew but I knew. I got to the point that I didn’t ask or even think about things anymore because I didn’t want to take anything from my family. I remember before football started my freshman I wanted a sony walkman. For those that didn’t know back then that was a tape cassette player that used headphones.  It was a way to escape the world and nobody else had to hear what you were listening to. It was so advanced and cool. I wanted one to lose myself before football games and also get pumped up. My mom actually asked one day at the store if I wanted something like this when we walked by it. I said I would love it but please don’t worry about it. That was the last  time I thought about it this was in the month of August. My birthday is in October and I truly didn’t ask for anything or expect anything. I just knew our struggles were horrible and I was okay with just getting a card and happy birthdays at school.

The night of my birthday I got home and there was a cake. Birthdays cake is my favorite desert in the world. It said a happy birthday to number 72 the best son any parents could ask for. It made me cry because I knew that a cake was not in the budget but as usual my mom pulled off the miracle. The card was so heartfelt with messages from my mom, dad, and my little sister even signed it.  I started cutting the cake and looked up and my mom slide a wrapped box across the table. She said open it. I said mom why did you do this. It’s okay son you deserve this. I opened it up and it was my sony walkman. I couldn’t do anything except cry. I knew our struggles, I knew that 40  bucks was like a 1000. I hugged them both so much and I remember my dad said you better let your mom know more than me.

It didn’t dawn on me until later what my mom did. She sold a piece of her jewelry to get my walkman, card and cake. I had a conversation with her in my late 20’s and asked how she did it. She kept avoiding the question. She finally said I sold my purple ring and I would have sold everything to get you and your sister whatever you wanted. I hugged her, kissed and went to my car and shed a few tears. Knowing the sacrifice she made was unbelievable.  AS I sat there watching my nephew I thought about that walkman and my mom. I miss her more than words can explain but her memory, and spirit will run through me forever. I still have that walkman in a box in a storage unit in my hometown. I bet all I need is a battery and my old rap tapes to show people how appreciative I was.  Thanks for a walk in my past.





Day 1090 Why people make the difference

24 01 2016

Tonight my sister and I got together with our kids. It was the first time all of us had been together since my mom passed. We laughed at all of my moms quirks, we were sad that this was the first time we were together as a family and the glue that kept it that way wasn’t there. As our kids shared memories dust kept flying in my eye and causing water to fall out :). AS the grieving process is almost a month old I have kept my sanity because of the people in my life.

Society and the news say all people have changed and my response is duh that’s what life is about. People are still amazing. They still take time out to check on you, send a card that was handwritten, send a message through Facebook or call you and tell you cut the crap and pour out your heart. I have friends that can compare life because it’s happened to them. People still love but I truly believe this. The more you pour out the more you give. Since I’ve spent 4  years changing my life to what God wanted which is to love the unlovable I definitely have gotten in back in my hardest time in life.

Last night driving to a concert a got a text saying please call my son and help him he’s in a bad place. That usually means relapse or suicide. I didn’t call for 2 hours because honestly I didn’t want to. I hoped the lady would understand that I was hurting and needed a break. Then I remembered in my pain people didn’t turn there back on me most never want to reach out because its uncomfortable and really what do you say?

I made the call and mostly I let the guy know somebody even a complete stranger loved him and wanted to help relief the pain.  I hung up and felt better that through my crap I cared enough to try to help and make a difference.

I say that to say this. Every person that has messaged, called, texted, mailed something ,mattered. When you take time out to offer a hello, I love you, your on my mind, it matters. You  make a difference. Loving the unlovable or loving the brokenhearted is what life is about. Don’t stop. When you have that pull at your heart, don’t let the world or your small circle beliefs keep you from blessing someone.

People are still amazing and you don’t have to search that far. Actually you probably just texted someone who is amazing.  Until next time!!





Day 1084 That’s what love is

18 01 2016

As a blogger you write mostly what interests you but at the same time you hope your reader truly enjoys it. Then sometimes you write because you need it. You want to write so you can come back and feel moments in your life, see how far you’ve come or just what in the world was in your brain at that time. I write tonight for me. It’s just some of my thoughts that I’ve had and discussed  in counseling.

Faith, Hope, and Love and the greatest of these is ….. LOVE! My mom was love in every sense of the word. It just exuded  out of her. Tough, physical, mental, emotional she was all of that. She was my example and now a realization has hit. I was talking to my counselor Brian before Thanksgiving and  told him in my life women have never loved me except my mom. Sure I had 2 long relationships then a 14 year marriage but those women never loved ME! They loved who I was going to become or what I could do for them but never the love I deserved or should have received. Before I go on this isn’t “poor Tyler” or God loves you Tyler. I know that. God did put us on this earth and he did say again Faith, Hope and Love and the greatest is LOVE.

I know I have a lot of work to do on myself and will until the day I die but I do know what love is, I exude it, I give it and I express it in whatever way you need it, but now mine is gone. Sure I was a mamas boy but it was to easy not to be. I realized tonight on a 5.5 hr drive home that I could live to be 100 and never feel that love again. Not just because she was my mom but that’s how she loved. I could write for 5 more hours about how my mom loved but I ll just give a few that hit me tonight.

After my dad became disabled things got horrible but my mom made sure we stood tall. I remember this piggy bank It was of a basset hound it was full of money. She brought me in my room and gave me a little hammer and said son we need this money now but lets break this bank together. We sat on the floor and with tears running down her eyes I asked why do we have to do this. She said because life isn’t always fair but you make the best of it. I said now what? She said now we love each other more than we ever have because we need it.

My sophomore year of high school when all hell had broke loose in our family and  things were being pawned and life was unbearable. I had to have an operation to shorten my left leg. Dr. came into my room the day after the surgery and looked at us and said he’ll never walk right and again and sports is out of the question. My mom said well sir you don’t know my son but I do and your wrong. When the dr left the room she turned around to me and looked me in the eye and said you will be do everything you ever wanted to do because I know you, I had you and I love you. Now get your ass out of bed and let’s go to physical therapy. She was at ever physical therapy appt with her own brand of encouragement and the kiss on the cheek at the end. 6 months later I was cleared to play football again.

I told this at my mom’s Eulogy. The night before I attempted suicide I called my mom and to shorten the conversation I told her life had become too much and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I told her that I wouldn’t do anything stupid (which was a lie) but I didn’t know which way was up. She didn’t lecture me at all. She paused so long I said mom are you still there. She said son what your feeling is temporary, I know you’re hurting but you will get through this. She said only God can fix this. She then called me by my whole name Jason Tyler Wood I love you.  Good night son! The next day the attempt failed. I was so embarrassed it took me a week to call her and tell what I had tried. She said I know son. When I hung up with you I yelled to God to save my son because I can’t. That is what love is. When you have no idea you reach to the one who does.

As I struggle and pray to feel the love my mom showed me. I know that there is no one else like her. I miss her like crazy and know that she was truly proud of the man I had become today.





Day 1084 That’s what love is

17 01 2016

As a blogger you write mostly what interests you but at the same time you hope your reader truly enjoys it. Then sometimes you write because you need it. You want to write so you can come back and feel moments in your life, see how far you’ve come or just what in the world was in your brain at that time. I write tonight for me. It’s just some of my thoughts that I’ve had and discussed  in counseling.

Faith, Hope, and Love and the greatest of these is ….. LOVE! My mom was love in every sense of the word. It just exuded  out of her. Tough, physical, mental, emotional she was all of that. She was my example and now a realization has hit. I was talking to my counselor Brian before Thanksgiving and  told him in my life women have never loved me except my mom. Sure I had 2 long relationships then a 14 year marriage but those women never loved ME! They loved who I was going to become or what I could do for them but never the love I deserved or should have received. Before I go on this isn’t “poor Tyler” or God loves you Tyler. I know that. God did put us on this earth and he did say again Faith, Hope and Love and the greatest is LOVE.

I know I have a lot of work to do on myself and will until the day I die but I do know what love is, I exude it, I give it and I express it in whatever way you need it, but now mine is gone. Sure I was a mamas boy but it was to easy not to be. I realized tonight on a 5.5 hr drive home that I could live to be 100 and never feel that love again. Not just because she was my mom but that’s how she loved. I could write for 5 more hours about how my mom loved but I ll just give a few that hit me tonight.

After my dad became disabled things got horrible but my mom made sure we stood tall. I remember this piggy bank It was of a basset hound it was full of money. She brought me in my room and gave me a little hammer and said son we need this money now but lets break this bank together. We sat on the floor and with tears running down her eyes I asked why do we have to do this. She said because life isn’t always fair but you make the best of it. I said now what? She said now we love each other more than we ever have because we need it.

My sophomore  of school when all hell had broke loose in our family and  things were being pawned and life was unbearable. I had to have an operation to shorten my left leg. Dr. came into my room the day after the surgery and looked at us and said he’ll never walk right and again and sports is out of the question. My mom said well sir you don’t know my son but I do and your wrong. When the dr left the room she turned around to me and looked me in the eye and said you will be do everything you ever wanted to do because I know you, I had you and I love you. Now get your ass out of bed and let’s go to physical therapy. She was at ever physical therapy appt with her own brand of encouragement and the kiss on the cheek at the end. 6 months later I was cleared to play football again.

I told this at my mom’s Eulogy. The night before I attempted suicide I called my mom and to shorten the conversation I told her life had become too much and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I told her that I wouldn’t do anything stupid (which was a lie) but I didn’t know which way was up. She didn’t lecture me at all. She paused so long I said mom are you still there. She said son what your feeling is temporary, I know you’re hurting but you will get through this. She said only God can fix this. She then called me by my whole name Jason Tyler Wood I love you.  Good night son! The next day the attempt failed. I was so embarrassed it took me a week to call her and tell what I had tried. She said I know son. When I hung up with you I yelled to God to save my son because I can’t. That is what love is. When you have no idea you reach to the one who does.

AS I struggle and pray to feel the love my mom showed me. I know that there is no one else like her. I miss her like crazy and know that she was truly proud of the man I had become today.

 

 





Day 995 Remember when that old pic was cool

19 10 2015

 

The most amazing women in the world turned 73 today. That women is my mom. I couldn’t be more thankful for her. She is a giver of everything, she never let’s you down. She’s strong enough to smack you around if need be but hug you until you feel whole again. She has never asked for anything, when she always should have.
When nobody else was there for me she always was. Today is a celebration of one of the greatest women God created. Thank you for the example you are to the world. We all got to spend time with my mom today and yesterday. Even through her Parkinson’s she not missing a beat.

I was speaking to a customer last week. They were very wealthy and some very exotic things and just neat things that you don’t normally see in people’s homes. I was in awe of his wood workings and chess, sets, and musical instrument he had made. HE had some made of black African veneer which is $500 a sheet and just stunningly beautiful. I started asking about each pieces and he stopped me and said you know whats really sad. I walk by these pieces everyday and I don’t notice them anymore. He told me a story about a home he had in Santa Barbara CA I knew exactly where it was. I said it was the most beautiful view of the world I ve seen. He said I lived there 15 years and I stopped even noticing its beauty until last month I went back  and  I lived there after for 15 years and 14 years into it I stopped noticing it. He asked me do you remember a cool pic you took or a piece of art etc.. you put on the wall and 6 months later you haven’t looked at once. Not until someone else mentions it to you do you appreciate it again then it fades away again quickly.

When I drove away I thought about all the says I have on my wall, pics of my kids, a couple of really cool art pieces and that I haven’t looked at them in months. I have family rules on my wall and I’ve broken all of them maybe because I never look at my rules.  It made me think a lot about what we take for granted and that everything. Not just some old pic,  or art, or stuff but our relationships, our family, our job. I’m not sure why we do but we do everyday until: Life happens , someone gets sick, we lose a job, a relationship ends that we never knew would. We do it with God and not until the bottom starts falling out of our life do we start seeing the view differently. I wish the words of this blog would cause me to wake up differently and see something differently tomorrow. I wish that you would say because of you I looked at a photo on my wall and remembered how blessed I am, Or I walked into my kid’s bedroom and no matter how mad I was at them today I love them so, or your spouse that your ready to give up you remember today why you fell in love in the first place and rather than quitting on your marriage you decided to stay and fight for it.

My failures are not because of what I don’t have, my failures come from not being grateful for what I do have. The attitude of gratitude is waning. Try tonight or tomorrow  to see the view, the family, the old pic when it was cool. Be grateful because when its gone it never comes back.





Day 995 Remember when that old pic was cool

18 10 2015

The most amazing women in the world turned 73 today. That women is my mom. I couldn’t be more thankful for her. She is a giver of everything, she never let’s you down. She’s strong enough to smack you around if need be but hug you until you feel whole again. She has never asked for anything, when she always should have.
When nobody else was there for me she always was. Today is a celebration of one of the greatest women God created. Thank you for the example you are to the world. We all got to spend time with my mom today and yesterday. Even through her Parkinson’s she not missing a beat.

I was speaking to a customer last week. They were very wealthy and some very exotic things and just neat things that you don’t normally see in people’s homes. I was in awe of his wood workings and chess, sets, and musical instrument he had made. HE had some made of black African veneer which is $500 a sheet and just stunningly beautiful. I started asking about each pieces and he stopped me and said you know whats really sad. I walk by these pieces everyday and I don’t notice them anymore. He told me a story about a home he had in Santa Barbara CA I knew exactly where it was. I said it was the most beautiful view of the world I ve seen. He said I lived there 15 years and I stopped even noticing its beauty until last month I went back  and  I lived there after for 15 years and 14 years into it I stopped noticing it. He asked me do you remember a cool pic you took or a piece of art etc.. you put on the wall and 6 months later you haven’t looked at once. Not until someone else mentions it to you do you appreciate it again then it fades away again quickly.

When I drove away I thought about all the says I have on my wall, pics of my kids, a couple of really cool art pieces and that I haven’t looked at them in months. I have family rules on my wall and I’ve broken all of them maybe because I never look at my rules.  It made me think a lot about what we take for granted and that everything. Not just some old pic,  or art, or stuff but our relationships, our family, our job. I’m not sure why we do but we do everyday until: Life happens , someone gets sick, we lose a job, a relationship ends that we never knew would. We do it with God and not until the bottom starts falling out of our life do we start seeing the view differently. I wish the words of this blog would cause me to wake up differently and see something differently tomorrow. I wish that you would say because of you I looked at a photo on my wall and remembered how blessed I am, Or I walked into my kid’s bedroom and no matter how mad I was at them today I love them so, or your spouse that your ready to give up you remember today why you fell in love in the first place and rather than quitting on your marriage you decided to stay and fight for it.

My failures are not because of what I don’t have, my failures come from not being grateful for what I do have. The attitude of gratitude is waning. Try tonight or tomorrow  to see the view, the family, the old pic when it was cool. Be grateful because when its gone it never comes back.





Day 965 Give up hope of having a better past

17 09 2015

I’m a  guy who takes chances and always have. Investing lets take chances, playing sports chances and now fantasy football. Now I watch football yelling at a guy that I don’t care about, to do something good and the chances are he stinks and I’m wishing for him to be something he can’t.  I guess its good to warm up the vocal cords.

I started teaching/facilitating the men’s sexual purity class on Monday night and just wow. It was an experience I had hoped for but not really expected to go the way it did. It fascinates me to listen to others stories. Not only do you realize that you’re not on an island but we are so similar. I told my testimony and if you haven’t heard it I let it all hangout. I think me being vulnerable allows others to know that its okay. I had a few raised eyebrows but it was those guys that opened up a lot. While going around the circle and back and forth I heard one guy say that he has to give up hope of having a better past. I asked him where he heard that,he didn’t remember but I stopped and man those words had me. I had heard don’t live in the past, leave the past behind etc.. but never had I heard it put that way. Read this again. GIVE UP HOPE OF HAVING A BETTER PAST. I tell my testimony and the story comes from my past but like anyone if I wouldn’t have done XYZ, I would have my family in tact, or maybe I would be married again , or blah blah. Bottom line I can wish, hope, and pray but my past and your past is dead. We will never change that and God doesn’t change the past either. It’s a part of you the good and bad but all that matters is the here and now. Yes if there was a time machine I would go back and fix a lot of hurt, words, and pain I inflicted but I can’t. All I can do is live my hours, days and years upcoming hoping that my past was a lesson,  That I can change the outcome of my children’s lives, that everyone comes in contact say he’s not who he used to be, that he loves and he gives his all for others. I have said all the sorries I know to say but hoping for a better past is like praying that I can save everyone from themselves. That won’t happen but hoping for a better past is futile and downright dumb. We are not our past, we are not our mistakes. What we are is forgiven and with that if we wake up tomorrow we are given another chance to right the wrongs that we created in the past. Give hope that tomorrow can be different. We have no idea what it may bring but its new and nothing of the past can ruin it unless we allow it.

Start today: GIVE UP HOPE OF HAVING A BETTER PAST!!!!!!

 








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