Day 1678 What happened- is this real Mom

18 10 2017

Good afternoon peeps. It has finally cooled off and my mood is good. You can actually go outside  and not need a shower immediately. Pumpkin spice is in full roar. I think I got 87 Octane pumpkin spice gasoline yesterday. It’s good for horsepower or something.

Today my mom would have been 75 years old. I wanted something poetic or breathtaking to honor her I’m not sure this will do it. I can’t believe this is your 2nd birthday without you.

There is no shock today like last year. It has set in your gone. It is more real than I could imagine. I shed my tears today but there are more smiles too. Your impact on this word is missed but the impact on us cannot be put into words. I fight this life harder now because I know more than anything that’s what you wanted. I try everyday to make you proud and honor you by trying to be like you.

When I walked into your room that morning and saw you weren’t  breathing but peaceful I knew that you were in a much better place but we still needed you. You touched so many lives as a Grammie, teacher, friend, sister, aunt but what you did for Meagan and I could never be measured. You were my best friend, at times my punching bag, you loved me when no one else did, had a way with words that other person could, you never left my side, you had a way of getting through my stubborn head in a way nobody could.
Life has not been the same, I hear your voice in everyday life and when things get tough saying never quit. You were the most amazing creation from God. I wish today you were calling me to tell me all about the flowers we bought you and all the colors in them and smell the white diamonds perfume on you.
I know your watching us with a smile and probably cooking for everyone on your birthday because that’s who you are.
These words are not enough with tears streaming and a broken heart just know you were my everything. I love you mom and thank you.
Happy birthday Billie Louise Wood.

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Day 824 This is what its like when someone understands you

30 04 2015

Howdy yall! I just wanted to sound like a Texan for a minute. The sun is shining and almost every lake around us is full of water which hasn’t been that way for 5 years. They are lifting water restrictions so most people are ready for the heat. I am, except the top of my head which is ready to burn and smell liked cooked bacon. Stayed tuned for further burning head debates.

I have some of the best friends,. They’re real and everyone is different but everyone  is needed to make my life where it is today. This person has been my friend for 25 years now. We took  a different path to become friends but have been able to talk about any and everything even with a 10 years of not talking much.

I don’t know anybody that wouldn’t want someone who at least trys to understand them. Sometimes they get you and sometimes even if they don’t they try really hard well this person below is that person for me. I’ve been searching for 7 weeks for the words to explain to the people who love me and you my blog reader where I am at. I saw this person Saturday spent about two hours talking and I received this last night. All I could say is wow and I teared up because they hit it on the head and said everything I couldn’t. If you want to know what its like to have someone understand you here it is for me.

New Living Translation Ecclesiastes 1:18
The greater my wisdom, the greater my grief. To increase knowledge only increases sorrow.
You are such a great speaker and dynamic and winsome that it is so easy to see you and see your facade.  Not that it is all a facade, but a facade in that you KNOW life.  You are not swayed by life’s antics and you are not faked out by what the world has to offer or what the world is promoting at the moment.  But in that, you are (in my opinion) striving to reach something different.  And in that you find discontentment in the gap between your knowledge and your desires.  Being unwilling to settle leaves you as a constant sojourner.  I think your soul is weary.  Very weary.  How else could a soul so full of vitality not be able to come up with any dreams except that it is burdened beyond capacity by the dreams themselves.  You do have dreams.  You have many, but you can’t name them.  I think you can’t name them because they are buried under the rubble of your tiredness of trying to live life to the fullest.
For days I have wanted to have a thought they made sense to me about your current “state”.  I was focusing on the fact that you can’t name a dream, but this morning I heard a sermon on Psalm 23 and it hit me!  It is not that you can’t dream, it is that you are so weary.  The man who wants to bridge the gap between this dreadful world and the world that Jesus promises.  The man who stands strong for his family, gives his heart to others, speaks to share his story, donates of his time and resources, reads, studies, prays, works, searches for love, searches for a career, carries a financial burden, carries the wreckage of his divorce,  wants a better life for his kids, wants to be there for his sister, nephew, and mom, the man who would give of his last breath is completely breathless.
So what do weary people need?  They need rest and reprieve.  I looked up Psalm 23 in several translations until I found this…
The Living Bible
2-3 He lets me rest in the meadow grass and leads me beside the quiet streams. He gives me new strength.
The Message Bible   True to your word,
you let me catch my breath
and send me in the right direction.
The Amplified Bible
2 He makes me lie down in [fresh, tender] green pastures; He leads me beside the still and restful waters.
3 He refreshes and restores my life (my self);
What if you forgot all the other promises of God and just meditated on this?  What if you let go of striving and just focused on breathing?  Maybe for a week?  It is hard to not feel the burden of your knowledge. I am not suggesting it is easy, but I feel you are drowning in such a way that you don’t even realize the depth of your breathlessness.
I don’t know the answer for you, but I want you to take in a deep breathe and just let go.  Stop reading and thinking and contemplating and striving and trying to reach others.  Just breathe…
This is my prayer for you until I get something new.  I love you too much to let you wither.  =)
That my friends is what a friend is. This took time and concern. You know who you are and for that I can’t thank you enough….. For those that care now you know where my mind is, now time to find that restful spot.





Day 275 Today I turn 38 years young

11 10 2013

Aww birthdays! Its been good with a lot of phone calls, and well wishes. I also get my babies back today so even better. Two years from the milestone birthday but for me making it to 38 was big because many times I didn’t know if I was going to be here. Birthdays are a time to reflect. Sure Im not where I want to be but who is! I would like some things different but I m starting to know who I am and who I can be.  Also for great friends! I’ve had my concealed handgun license for 6 months and no gun. Thank you Jim McBride for an awesome birthday gift of a 45. hand gun! Love you and thank you for always being there for me!

Im very loved by my family, my 3 close friends, and a bunch of other people who I have crossed paths with that I didn’t even know that I touched them in some positive way.  I know these things about myself,  follower of God, amazing daddy I understand the importance of family,  strong I have a backbone, I am warrior I don’t quit, Im not a victim,  a great catch for a women, caring, tender-hearted, a great communicator, passionate, aggressive, persistent, emotional, over comer, a friend,  son, brother, a role model,  It took me almost 38 years to realize any of those things! I can list all of what Im not but I m choosing to dwell on the good for once.

Sometimes you get unexpected things in the mail and this was the best things I have ever had written to me! This came from a friend of mine of 24 years. I never knew I meant that much to her. Thanks to this blog we were able to reconnect and she was able to work on herself and marriage through my blog.

Dear God,

It was in July that I heard you speak these words to me regarding Tyler: No eye has seen , no ear has heard no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him! I believe those words are true for him no matter what outside circumstances might try to convince him.Though I may not know Tyler with great depth, I marvel at the beauty of his spirit and the openness of his soul! I thank you that you have blessed our lives with someone who cares, encourages loves, prays, and acts according to the lessons he has learned from you. Of course I pray for you to meet his needs and desires in this world. I would be overjoyed to see his life flowing with material blessings a great job, nice income, peace with the details of co-parenting, ability and resources to travel, ever-growing relationship with Morgan and Brayden & someone perfectly matched to love him and for him to love. but Lord in my selfishness I want more for Tyler than that. I want him to walk in the full authority that Jesus has granted us. I want him to now you intimately and to live in the complete realm of freedom you have promised. I want his eyes to be opened to the amazing light he shines to the world . I want him to see himself from your view and in your love. I want him to believe in himself with full confidence and to set his hope on you alone. Enlarge his boundaries Lord that he may experience your complete fullness, In Jesus name Amen!

I cried when I read it and I couldn’t be more thankful! It was so touching! I can’t thank her enough! A great birthday!

 





Day 170 Truth laid down with me

26 06 2013

I spent Sunday night going back through all of my blogs and I caught up with a friend of 20 years that we had not spoken but more than  twice in that time frame. Wow i really put myself out there in my blogs. I really don’t remember it all. I sit down in front of the computer and something different comes over me. It’s a cool feeling but at the same time I know when I push send the fear of a teenager comes back. I set the fire, watch it burn and wait to see what happens when it burns out. The past two years I felt alive, I felt dead, I felt like curling in a ball, I felt on was on top of the world, Ive cried like the first time I got a shot, I hit my knees more than ever, I have reached up for someone and their was an empty hand, I tried to love me, I tried to hate me, I sat in my apartment with nothing but the sound of my breath, I fought with me and talked to myself a lot, I sat in fields and admired the stars, I went to a hospital and watched the babies sleep, I drove past my old house and wondered what happened, I drove half way across the country trying to find myself, I drank myself silly wondering can I be loved, I gave two people all I had left, I questioned God, I loved God I acted like everything was okay. I looked someone in the eyes and told them I was a scared little boy, I pushed at least 6 people out of my life and told them I wasn’t good enough for them, I sat at the Rugby field and wondered why my athletic career was over, I went to the Casino and went to be close to people but not to close, I stopped a domestic abuse situation, I held a homeless man, I finally went back to my dad;s grave, I baptized my daughter, I held my son over my head like he was a baby, I stopped the car and picked a piece of cotton, I went to the animal shelter and told the animals that it was going to be okay you won’t always be alone, I looked my ex in the eye and told myself you were flawed but remember the good.

Truth is last night I sat in my bed listening to music and turned it off. I looked at the ceiling of my apartment and truth laid next to me. You’re a good man and there are many that think the same thing. You have changed lives for the better. I know your heart-broken for many reasons but your almost there. See the good remember the bad and stop living in it. For the first time in probably 5 years I heard me say thank you  before I went to sleep God and truth thank you  because I am a good man  and Im almost there.

 





Day 170 Truth laid down with me

25 06 2013

I spent Sunday night going back through all of my blogs and I caught up with a friend of 20 years that we had not spoken but more than  twice in that time frame. Wow i really put myself out there in my blogs. I really don’t remember it all. I sit down in front of the computer and something different comes over me. It’s a cool feeling but at the same time I know when I push send the fear of a teenager comes back. I set the fire, watch it burn and wait to see what happens when it burns out. The past two years I felt alive, I felt dead, I felt like curling in a ball, I felt on was on top of the world, Ive cried like the first time I got a shot, I hit my knees more than ever, I have reached up for someone and their was an empty hand, I tried to love me, I tried to hate me, I sat in my apartment with nothing but the sound of my breath, I fought with me and talked to myself a lot, I sat in fields and admired the stars, I went to a hospital and watched the babies sleep, I drove past my old house and wondered what happened, I drove half way across the country trying to find myself, I drank myself silly wondering can I be loved, I gave two people all I had left, I questioned God, I loved God I acted like everything was okay. I looked someone in the eyes and told them I was a scared little boy, I pushed at least 6 people out of my life and told them I wasn’t good enough for them, I sat at the Rugby field and wondered why my athletic career was over, I went to the Casino and went to be close to people but not to close, I stopped a domestic abuse situation, I held a homeless man, I finally went back to my dad;s grave, I baptized my daughter, I held my son over my head like he was a baby, I stopped the car and picked a piece of cotton, I went to the animal shelter and told the animals that it was going to be okay you won’t always be alone, I looked my ex in the eye and told myself you were flawed but remember the good.

Truth is last night I sat in my bed listening to music and turned it off. I looked at the ceiling of my apartment and truth laid next to me. You’re a good man and there are many that think the same thing. You have changed lives for the better. I know your heart-broken for many reasons but your almost there. See the good remember the bad and stop living in it. For the first time in probably 5 years I heard me say thank you  before I went to sleep God and truth thank you  because I am a good man  and Im almost there.

 





Day 170 Truth laid down with me

25 06 2013

I spent Sunday night going back through all of my blogs and I caught up with a friend of 20 years that we had not spoken but more than  twice in that time frame. Wow i really put myself out there in my blogs. I really don’t remember it all. I sit down in front of the computer and something different comes over me. It’s a cool feeling but at the same time I know when I push send the fear of a teenager comes back. I set the fire, watch it burn and wait to see what happens when it burns out. The past two years I felt alive, I felt dead, I felt like curling in a ball, I felt on was on top of the world, Ive cried like the first time I got a shot, I hit my knees more than ever, I have reached up for someone and their was an empty hand, I tried to love me, I tried to hate me, I sat in my apartment with nothing but the sound of my breath, I fought with me and talked to myself a lot, I sat in fields and admired the stars, I went to a hospital and watched the babies sleep, I drove past my old house and wondered what happened, I drove half way across the country trying to find myself, I drank myself silly wondering can I be loved, I gave two people all I had left, I questioned God, I loved God I acted like everything was okay. I looked someone in the eyes and told them I was a scared little boy, I pushed at least 6 people out of my life and told them I wasn’t good enough for them, I sat at the Rugby field and wondered why my athletic career was over, I went to the Casino and went to be close to people but not to close, I stopped a domestic abuse situation, I held a homeless man, I finally went back to my dad;s grave, I baptized my daughter, I held my son over my head like he was a baby, I stopped the car and picked a piece of cotton, I went to the animal shelter and told the animals that it was going to be okay you won’t always be alone, I looked my ex in the eye and told myself you were flawed but remember the good.

Truth is last night I sat in my bed listening to music and turned it off. I looked at the ceiling of my apartment and truth laid next to me. You’re a good man and there are many that think the same thing. You have changed lives for the better. I know your heart-broken for many reasons but your almost there. See the good remember the bad and stop living in it. For the first time in probably 5 years I heard me say thank you  before I went to sleep God and truth thank you  because I am a good man  and Im almost there.





Day 62 Screw U Grieving Process

3 03 2013

Since I have always been real its time again for that realness to come out. I ve been struggling for a week now to write this blog but its time. I never understood why somebody would read something that they knew could piss them off and still read but then in turn try to bring the writer down to their level. I have taken some horrible verbal tongue lashing lashings some deserved and some not. Tonight I m sure people will have all the answers, will make fun of me and can’t wait to attack me in my weak state of mind. I’m also sure that there are those people who will withdraw from me, stop being my friend and if you ever thought of dating me will turn tail and run. It’s okay because people have been turning their back on me now for 2 years and I’m used to that. I have a group of people who are there for me and maybe after this there will be some new folks that appreciate me for being vulnerable and honest.

I’m in  a living hell right now. Brian my counselor said to me in September I know you’re in a really good place right now but the worst is coming. I was euphoric I was happy and in an amazing place. Who wouldn’t be I just had got of out of the worst 5 years of life that I could have ever imagined. Now you SOB your telling the worst is still coming. I blew that thought process off and said I’ll show you. He was right!!!! Don’t stop me if you have heard this before but in the past few years: I lost my dad, my best friend, filed business and personal bankruptcy, lost my business, the best cat in the world, my dignity, and finally my ex-wife. Worst of all everything I believed to be true since I was 5-37 was a damn fing lie. Work hard and you will get results, if you don’t turn your back on people they will be there, be a good man and do for others and it will be returned, change and sacrifice for someone and that person will be there for forever. It’s all a damn lie. You believe what you want but put your faith in people and they will screw you.

No before all of you experts start telling me to do I know this: Your walk with God is not where it should be. Ding your right and if you’re judging me yours isn’t either, You need to get closer to God and pray more. Yes I know and so do you. I don’t need more experts and I don’t need your generic Christian BS that people tell you to feel better what I have to do is complete this season of life. “Grieving Process”

You take everything I went through and I m still grieving. No F’s and or buts about it. There are days I want to medicate (Sex alcohol, a phony relationship with someone of the opposite sex, a material position but I haven’t.) That’s what most of us do. I have tried my best to do this  with the people I care about the most and not drag others into this. It hurts and it hurts bad. I know the first response I get is he’s not over his divorce. Really no  shit. When they lay me in the dirt I will then be over it. I shared a life with another human  being and had children so yes it will always hurt because I failed.  I know in time it will get better but if you want to tell me your over yours and it never hurts you a liar. I have talked to 5 80 years old men that said no matter how hard you try to block it out it will ALWAYS be there. I’m going to take the advice from the wise of age and experience over your wisdom of a 40 year person because you want people to think your okay. Just FYI were human, broken and we are all screwed up but I know I’m have to be the worst.

Do you honestly think I want to be here hell no but here’s the greatest news. Grieving is a process and I m almost to the point where it’s time to move on. I’m just in the worst part. I thought oh well in September I was happy and not sad so I’m done grieving. You can skip steps in the process. I tried and that’s why I am here. I could explain the steps of grieving but I’ll let you try that it’s boring and in all honestly its a tad bit irritating. This isn’t about my bank account, a big house, vacation or car. It’s about right now my needs list is a lot bigger than what I accomplished. I’m not talking about doing the dishes or washing the sheets. I m talking about that list at the end of every week you either read off of a piece of paper or off your mental notes and you haven’t accomplished it yet. Doing what God wants us to do, truly helping others, seeing things the way God sees them. When you see the homeless person you say yes rather than no.  when your kid says can you read the book to me but what you’re doing is more important than them. The spouse  or friend that has asked you to do something for them or just listen but because what they may say to you is a burden you find every other thing in the world to do. I have more knowledge, ability  and gifts than I have used. It finally comes down to this. I m not done grieving. I’m a hell of a lot better than where I was but I’m not there yet. I still hate me some days, I walk by the mirror and say really, I look at others and compare myself to them. I know better because you are just as jacked up as me. (Yes you are)After counseling last Tuesday the light at other end of the forest is visible, but I got tired and sat down in mud-hole and tried to ask God to help but I was just talking, he knows what I need and knows when I’m serious. Yes I’m depressed thank you Dr. Phil and I’m a lot of other things but at least I know where I have to go. Maybe I’m being a P%^&Y for a lack of a better word but I’m healing and trying to do it the right way. I know you may think this guy has lost it. Maybe so but I also maybe writing what a lot of people think but just don’t have the ganas to say or tell anyone.
I’m here to help and this helps me. If you got anything out of this just know your not the only one screwed up and your okay.

I, not sure when I’m going to write my next blog, maybe tomorrow maybe next week. I appreciate you reading it if you did and if not thanks for thinking I’m crazy. Any response good or bad is appreciated. If I get nothing then I know everybody is crazy like me and I can sleep better at night  lol…

 








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