Day 1566 Why didn’t you just ask

8 06 2017

Hello world: On Tuesday of this week I approved my book and it went to the printer. it took me 2.5 years to decided I was worth writing a book and anyone would read it. Yes Im excited but having it my hands will feel amazing. You better buy a copy pretty please.

Why? One of the most thought-provoking questions we can ask? On the other end is the answer. Sometimes its good and sometimes it’s not. So why do we stop asking Why as an adult. A few reasons I believe: We don’t care, the answer is going to hurt, we think we already know the answer. Little kids ask why all the time yes we get tired of hearing why and finally because we said so. That doesn’t stop them though.  Brian Dodge was a speaker I heard once and he said as an adult when we stop asking why our learning is over. How scary is that? So then we go to the famous art of assuming. Every time I assumed I was wrong. Do you remember the last time someone said Why didn’t you just ask me? You say I don’t know and walk away like why didn’t I just ask?

I’ll agree that when you ask sometimes the answer is awful. I asked my ex-wife when it was over do you love me anymore. She said no. My heart dropped to me knees I felt sick but I knew I needed to hear it. In college I asked a girl who was out of my league that I flirted with forever why wouldn’t you go out with me. She looked me in the eye and said I will you just have to ask me.

Why is  gathering wisdom, understanding, caring and respect. So the next time you don’t ask why just remember this is what you’re missing out on:

Showing someone you care, asking why is letting them you took time out for them their special, To eliminate confusion, To demonstrate humility to another, To enable a person to discover answers for themselves, To gain empathy through better understanding another’s view, To begin a relationship, To strengthen a relationship, To gain a person’s attention, To solve a problem.

Why you don’t ask these things are also possible: To find a culprit, To embarrass and shame, To appear superior, to create fear, To manipulate, To play the victim, as in, “Why is this happening to me?

Every time I don’t ask why I miss out on something. If you know me I ask a lot of questions not because I’m nosy but I care. I want to know you, I want to know what makes you tick, you’re special but I don’t know why until I know you. Its called conversation which I know is a dying art, but my best relationships are the ones where I know why and Im talking the dirty why too.

Why ask why. We need to know, someone needs to know you care. Love is asking why. Sometimes you don’t want to the but you might be pleasantly surprised what the answer really is.





Day 1488 This is why you change -866 Days and counting

20 03 2017

Hello People. 92 degrees in Texas I know its the first day of spring but Summer decided to wave hi first. I’m so thankful to have this outlet to be able to share me. I know some thinks it’s a weird way to do it but that’s okay because I know I’m weird. I’m embrace it!

I’m a single man again. Never thought I would be here again but life threw   me a huge upper cut when  my mom died. I became numb and couldn’t even fake it some days. The blended family was also a huge problem that until you’re living there is no way to know how to handle it. So in the journey again with a different path. I really need to find a path and stay on it 🙂

I’m not a glass half full, or half empty I’m just thankful something is in my glass. So writing this please know The days I get I’m so thankful for but I’m here to help so this is real talk.

Since I moved out of my old house with my ex-wife almost 5 years ago. I have missed 866 days of my kids lives. Yes that means I’ve had them for 866 days and I promise I’ve done my best to make all of that time matter. You don’t have to mess up the time like I did. We all know when something isn’t right with ourselves and our relationship. You ignore it or just say that’s the way it is then your left listening to your kids grow up on phone.

866 days of their life I missed. thank God I fought for joint custody but its hard to have your kids come home and they truly changes. The first 2 days my son is here he calls me mom, they don’t feel close, they don’t communicate as much and then its Sunday and just the time of us seems like its gone because we have to get ready for school. I learn about their day  by asking questions right before bedtime. When I want to do something with them that only comes around once a year I can’t. My flesh and blood is missing. I know I will find them but I can never get those days back. Hello, I love you, thank you sounds different on the phone.

Like I said earlier, realize a few things:. we are all screwed up, we all have a hurt, habit, or hang-up, we all have a past. Some worse than others, we had someone break us down, break our heart, we all medicate our pain some how. So you’re never alone. Never. You don’t know what I’ve done Tyler, but I know someone who has. The thing is we can’t live there anymore because living “their” allows someone else to raise your kids, and just have voice memories to carry you through.

Find your weakness, absorb, accept it, and get help, counseling, recovery group, just a voice to listen. Anyone that sits on an island by themselves will drown every time. I believe in Jesus Christ so I go there but find something. Nothing  is worse than losing everything because I said said,  I don’t know what to do. There are options everywhere. Its pride and ego that will steal your life and soul. It doesn’t have to be that way. reach out to me, do something because you are worth it and those beautiful children are too. You can drink, dope, and yell your life away but you can’t get back what you destroyed.





Day 1325 Why did you abandon me

2 10 2016

Hello friends it’s finally cool in Texas 85 yesterday which had people in sweaters and coats. Also everything pumpkin spice Is out including dog food and toilet paper. Here’s to fall, football, and streakers at sporting events.
Defination of abandoned -no longer held or thought of : given up.
Our founder of Rock bottom outreach Rick Smith  was giving his testimony at Springtown Texas See Ya at the Pole last Wednesdays  and spoke about his abandonment  issues. I listened whole hardheartedly for the first time and it slapped me in the face. This has been one of my biggest issues that I wouldn’t admit because I just didn’t know.
As I walked by my dad’s room leading to my room I always either shook my head or asked why. Why did you give up on me, (aka abandon us)mom and my little sister. Why when I need you the most you can’t or won’t. Don’t you see what I’m trying to do and I’ll need is guidance but your gone. Dammit dad help me but nothing.  Tell me it’s going to be okay, tell me you’ll help me, tell me I can do it but don’t give up on me. Still nothing,  so the sooner you die the better. You quit on me so I’m done with you when your ready to go. So he dies and he leaves me (abandoned).
My ex wife- in the back of my mind for 14 years if  I wasn’t good enough for my dad there is no way you’ll stay with me but since I don’t give up I won’t quit on you.  Problem is when you think that way you live by a scorecard. See what I did for you, us. I’m enough because of  the tasks I do not for the love I have for you or me. Sooner or later people can’t score enough points and you really aren’t enough. Even when I completed my list of changes you asked and became 180 degree different man. You abandoned me and I wasn’t enough again.
My mom, who was my best friend left us this past December. Nobody asked me to take her it wasn’t her time. She didn’t get to see all the great things I was going to do, see my new family complete, or when I needed your tough love where did you go. How dare you  God take her. Now she and you have abandoned me.
I meet this beautiful,amazing woman who would die for me and I spend the majority of our relationship trying to push her away. In my mind I say this is what’s wrong with her ( which is really nothing), so I’ll just remind her so she’ll leave me too. There is no way since my dad, my ex-wife, mom and yes Jesus abandoned she’s going to as well but all shes does is love me when I don’t want to be enough or think shes going to leave.
Thanks God for abandoning me time and time again. I know better. God has always been there for me, he saved my life, but it’s better to blame him than see the truth. I’m a crappy Christian and follower  because I believe the lies the devil whispers in my ears. Healing is real when you want and believe it. I’m asking all of  these unperfect, broken people to be perfect and love me but I won’t do the same without thinking their going to leave me.
So I know abandonment now. It’s another hurdle on this journey. It’s realizing that if I embrace the ones that love me and know if I feel abandonment they do to and not push them to leave because they can and will. I can hurt them so much too not even knowing that I’m doing it.
My first thing I want to say I’m sorry to the ones I push away I didn’t know I was doing it. I’m constantly working to be better so bare with me. God honors obedience and he loves us even when don’t or won’t love ourselves. He never leaves us. Ever!
Thanks for reading and supporting this crazy weird bald dude.





Day 879 The one that got away

24 06 2015

Yesterday I had a tremendous honor of being able to go with the two members of the Rock Bottom team and head down to Jennings Louisiana and do a radio show on HLE radio: hleradio.com. We were able to give our testimony and tell about what Rock bottom was doing. It was pretty amazing to find out today that 61,500 people listened to the show. Just to know by telling our story that we were able to reach that many and possibly one person could change their life is truly and amazing God story. Through that I was kind of emotional. Sometimes just knowing what you have been delivered through can bring out your emotions. Most times the encouragement is great and it was yesterday. One of my friends said man nobody really knows you. They have no clue the stories and life you had to get you to the point of telling how you were sitting in front of a microphone. You have a blog, and this outlet and its time to start sharing those stories that are an amazing part of you so people can relate to how you got here. I thought a lot about it on our 6.5 drive home and so I will start sharing a few of those in my blog. By no means can I share all of them in a public forum Lord only knows what would happen. So I’ll share the clean stuff or what clean means to me. Some of you may have heard this story in my early blog career so bear with me:

The one who got away: In 1997 I had been dating a girl who I “loved” and thought I was going to marry. We had struggles like most relationships in college, but nothing I thought we couldn’t work through. We took a trip for Spring break in March of 1997 to Puerto Vallarta Mexico. I worked three jobs to pay for it so I truly earned it. To clear up this story pretty quickly. When we got  on the plane to come she dumped me on the plane. Needless to say this didn’t go well. Once we landed I took her to my place in a tirade we got her stuff and I dumped her back at the dorm. This was the start of my downfall. I had been drunk 4 times in my life up to that point and for the next 33 days I was drunk everyday. My heart was broken because MY first love broke my heart. I woke up in a field and had no clue how I had gotten there. I was on the Deans list and honor society in college and i flunked all of my classes that semester. It’s easy to do when you don’t go. I was broken way before then but the was the topper. Some days I woke up and had no clue how I got there or why this gross girl was next to me I usually didn’t know her name and truly didn’t care. At the end of May I had ballooned up to my highest weight ever at 370 lbs and trouble walking and breathing. I had a friend named Laz that just casually mentioned man do you remember when you used to be a bad ass and now you can’t even see your feet. Something sparked in me that day and I decided I had to get better. I enrolled in Summer school and started working out again. Another friend  from high school brought me out to Rugby and over the summer I lost 100 lbs from running until I puked. I looked like I never had in my life and the girls started noticing or at least the girls I wanted to. I started summer school and to say that I tried to punish every girl who came in contact with me because how my heart was broken would be an understand statement. Between summer school and December of that year I was with over 100 women but there was one. Here name was Rebecca G. we had a biology and lab class together. She reminded me of Winnie from the wonder years. She was pre med and home for the summer taking classes. I had a natural draw to her so much she was not one of the 100. I never touched her in that way. Were different I’m an extrovert and she was an introvert, but she was so smart and willing to do the things I did to learn. Over  period of time she stopped dating this guy and she wanted to concentrate on me only. I still drank too much and did things you just shouldn’t do to people. I was a horrible human and manipulated so many women and physically hurt so many men. Rugby was my group of dudes who lived on the edge and did things that you only read about in books. My life was good I thought but still hollow. At the beginning of November she was up for the weekend and we talked and I told her that I wanted her and her only, She said that she was in but I had to stop getting drunk or I was going to kill someone or myself. I promised her and I did. She even took me to meet her parents which they loved me because all parents did. I thought I had found the one until….

I was in a fraternity too during this time and I wanted to go to my last fraternity formal in December. I actually went solo because Rebecca was studying for finals. It was in Austin and she was in Georgetown. I promised by 12 I would be back in Georgetown and we would spend the night together. After getting to the formal I hadn’t drunk in 3 weeks and hadn’t been drunk for 6 weeks. so I  passed on the alcohol but finally around 7 I took a shot of Jim Beam and a bottle and half later I was so drunk I had to be fed at the formal, and I got licks from my little brother in the fraternity and don’t remember it. They try to hurt you so I was embarrassing drunk. They took my keys and wallet from me which I’m so glad they did. I  passed out and when I woke up it was 2:45 in the morning. I never called her and when I found my phone there were 15 missed calls and 7 voice mails. The one I remember said I hope you’re not dead please don’t be dead but if your alive it’s over. I called her 5 times and she answered and I told her I was on my way. She said she didn’t care and she wouldn’t open the door. I got to her place at 4 and I was sitting outside her window crying and begging her to let me in. She finally did and told me to close the door but don’t come any closer. She said you lied to me and I thought you were dead. I’ve cried for 5 hours and you couldn’t call. I explained myself all for not and she said it was time to go. She gave me back a bag of clothes and 3 cards I had given her. I made to trip back to Denton with my heart-broken for a second time and this time no way to stitch it up.

When school started again in January I got a pic from her. It was a date we took on a carriage ride in Highland park looking at Christmas lights. It said I really loved you but your so broken you can’t be loved. I will always think about you! That was it! You know the rest of the story or maybe you don’t. I found my ex-wife in January the same month I got the picture. I thought about her a lot. She was really good to me and I think up until this point one of the very few girls that truly loved me. 3 years ago after my divorced I found her and emailed . She was the Head Pediatric Dr. at Vanderbilt University which had been her dream. My email was long and hers was very short. She said Im truly sorry about your divorce I still think about you and  have always loved you.  Thats the story about the one that got away!!

Thank you





Day 879 The one that got away

23 06 2015

Yesterday I had a tremendous honor of being able to go with the two members of the Rock Bottom team and head down to Jennings Louisiana and do a radio show on HLE radio: hleradio.com. We were able to give our testimony and tell about what Rock bottom was doing. It was pretty amazing to find out today that 61,500 people listened to the show. Just to know by telling our story that we were able to reach that many and possibly one person could change their life is truly and amazing God story. Through that I was kind of emotional. Sometimes just knowing what you have been delivered through can bring out your emotions. Most times the encouragement is great and it was yesterday. One of my friends said man nobody really knows you. They have no clue the stories and life you had to get you to the point of telling how you were sitting in front of a microphone. You have a blog, and this outlet and its time to start sharing those stories that are an amazing part of you so people can relate to how you got here. I thought a lot about it on our 6.5 drive home and so I will start sharing a few of those in my blog. By no means can I share all of them in a public forum Lord only knows what would happen. So I’ll share the clean stuff or what clean means to me. Some of you may have heard this story in my early blog career so bear with me:

The one who got away: In 1997 I had been dating a girl who I “loved” and thought I was going to marry. We had struggles like most relationships in college, but nothing I thought we couldn’t work through. We took a trip for Spring break in March of 1997 to Puerto Vallarta Mexico. I worked three jobs to pay for it so I truly earned it. To clear up this story pretty quickly. When we got  on the plane to come she dumped me on the plane. Needless to say this didn’t go well. Once we landed I took her to my place in a tirade we got her stuff and I dumped her back at the dorm. This was the start of my downfall. I had been drunk 4 times in my life up to that point and for the next 33 days I was drunk everyday. My heart was broken because MY first love broke my heart. I woke up in a field and had no clue how I had gotten there. I was on the Deans list and honor society in college and i flunked all of my classes that semester. It’s easy to do when you don’t go. I was broken way before then but the was the topper. Some days I woke up and had no clue how I got there or why this gross girl was next to me I usually didn’t know her name and truly didn’t care. At the end of May I had ballooned up to my highest weight ever at 370 lbs and trouble walking and breathing. I had a friend named Laz that just casually mentioned man do you remember when you used to be a bad ass and now you can’t even see your feet. Something sparked in me that day and I decided I had to get better. I enrolled in Summer school and started working out again. Another friend  from high school brought me out to Rugby and over the summer I lost 100 lbs from running until I puked. I looked like I never had in my life and the girls started noticing or at least the girls I wanted to. I started summer school and to say that I tried to punish every girl who came in contact with me because how my heart was broken would be an understand statement. Between summer school and December of that year I was with over 100 women but there was one. Here name was Rebecca G. we had a biology and lab class together. She reminded me of Winnie from the wonder years. She was pre med and home for the summer taking classes. I had a natural draw to her so much she was not one of the 100. I never touched her in that way. Were different I’m an extrovert and she was an introvert, but she was so smart and willing to do the things I did to learn. Over  period of time she stopped dating this guy and she wanted to concentrate on me only. I still drank too much and did things you just shouldn’t do to people. I was a horrible human and manipulated so many women and physically hurt so many men. Rugby was my group of dudes who lived on the edge and did things that you only read about in books. My life was good I thought but still hollow. At the beginning of November she was up for the weekend and we talked and I told her that I wanted her and her only, She said that she was in but I had to stop getting drunk or I was going to kill someone or myself. I promised her and I did. She even took me to meet her parents which they loved me because all parents did. I thought I had found the one until….

I was in a fraternity too during this time and I wanted to go to my last fraternity formal in December. I actually went solo because Rebecca was studying for finals. It was in Austin and she was in Georgetown. I promised by 12 I would be back in Georgetown and we would spend the night together. After getting to the formal I hadn’t drunk in 3 weeks and hadn’t been drunk for 6 weeks. so I  passed on the alcohol but finally around 7 I took a shot of Jim Beam and a bottle and half later I was so drunk I had to be fed at the formal, and I got licks from my little brother in the fraternity and don’t remember it. They try to hurt you so I was embarrassing drunk. They took my keys and wallet from me which I’m so glad they did. I  passed out and when I woke up it was 2:45 in the morning. I never called her and when I found my phone there were 15 missed calls and 7 voice mails. The one I remember said I hope you’re not dead please don’t be dead but if your alive it’s over. I called her 5 times and she answered and I told her I was on my way. She said she didn’t care and she wouldn’t open the door. I got to her place at 4 and I was sitting outside her window crying and begging her to let me in. She finally did and told me to close the door but don’t come any closer. She said you lied to me and I thought you were dead. I’ve cried for 5 hours and you couldn’t call. I explained myself all for not and she said it was time to go. She gave me back a bag of clothes and 3 cards I had given her. I made to trip back to Denton with my heart-broken for a second time and this time no way to stitch it up.

When school started again in January I got a pic from her. It was a date we took on a carriage ride in Highland park looking at Christmas lights. It said I really loved you but your so broken you can’t be loved. I will always think about you! That was it! You know the rest of the story or maybe you don’t. I found my ex-wife in January the same month I got the picture. I thought about her a lot. She was really good to me and I think up until this point one of the very few girls that truly loved me. 3 years ago after my divorced I found her and emailed . She was the Head Pediatric Dr. at Vanderbilt University which had been her dream. My email was long and hers was very short. She said Im truly sorry about your divorce I still think about you and  have always loved you.  Thats the story about the one that got away!!

Thank you





Day 716 I finally found my life

13 01 2015

The trip is over and were home. 46.30 hours and 3360 miles. That my friends is a road-trip in 5 days and we even ate at a waffle house. I can’t tell you everything went on because some of it belongs to my friend Jim and I and the other reason is you wouldn’t understand.  When I write this blog tonight it’s very deep for me. There was so much purpose and meaning to it. I ask you to have an open mind and continue to pray for me as I continue to grow.

I never would have appreciated going on this trip three years ago. Seeing the Sequoia trees was a bucket list item but like most bucket list items in my life I complained and bitched that it wasn’t this or that etc.  God ALWAYS knows what he’s doing.  His timing is perfect even though I have told him many times he didn’t know what he was doing. National Geographic put an article out about the trees in April or May of 2014 and I mentioned to my buddy Jim how cool it would be to see the trees up close. So for my birthday he got us the trip and sat the date. We both love to drive and this was a perfect way to experience part of the country that we hadn’t seen. It causes you to slow down appreciate whats outside the window rather just flying, rushing to a rental car etc.. It allows you to have conversation and be real because what else do you have to do. Jim had never been to Vegas so we took that experience and if you ave never been to Vegas go. On the way we stopped at Hoover dam. Its amazing what we did building that and the amount of concrete and people it must have taken. I’m afraid of heights and we were out there 5 years ago and I couldn’t walk on the dam. I literally froze and my legs wouldn’t move. This time I walked on the entire left side crossed over the dam and walked down the right side. I was so proud of myself. I still had fear but I also had belief. I even leaned over the edge. Another small victory in my life. Something so amazing and not only did I overcome my fear I truly appreciated it. Friday we got to the Sequoia National Forest and it was dark and freezing. From the time we entered the park to our lodge we stayed it its only 23 miles but it takes 1:20 minutes to get there because of the curves and elevation. We were right at 7300 feet high. I’m so glad it was dark or I would have passed out seeing over the edge which I got to see when we left the lodge. at the lodge we had no cell service and the wi-fi would have been better with two tin cans. That’s another good thing because I wasn’t married to my phone like normal. So we ate dinner Friday night at the lodge tried to get adjusted to the elevation and settled in for the night. I went to bed being very anxious and I had no idea why.  I mean okay you’re going to see big trees so what. After breakfast we drove down the mountain and there were two trees in particular we wanted to see which were The Sherman (largest tree by diameter) and The President ( around 350 ft tall) Only thing was it was 2.5 mile round trip and even though I think I’m in good shape I wondered if I could make it as usual doubting myself. The Sherman is the first tree and there are no words or pics that can do the tree justice. its 36 feet in diameter. I was in absolute awe. There were a good number of people around that tree and a little further up the path but to see the President which is the one on front of National geographic we had to keep hiking. We took a few breaks to catch our breath, but as we continued up you couldn’t hear the cars below, nobody else was making the hike with us, and the snow on the ground was drowning out the other sounds of the forest. I boosted my buddy Jim up on a rock which was super high but he got up there and the pic was so great because he conquered it but he had accomplished so much more and that pic was proof for him.

President tree Burnt tree

As we got closer to The President tree we stopped talking to each other so much and it got quite but mostly my mind got quite. You look around the forest and there are broken branches many places where fire had burned the trees, but you saw new life, you saw trees that were 2-3 years old that were thriving and my mind just went quite. We finally get up to the president tree and you look up and almost fall over backwards trying to see up to the top.  Theres a bench that you can sit on to take a pics and I sat down. I sat and never in my life had I heard the quite that I did for the 5 minutes I sat there. Jim went up a hill to do his own thing and there I was then it hit me. I heard God and he said. I brought you here so you can see your life. You see the trees that are burnt but thriving that’s you. The forest fire blacked the trees but they don’t die. It is so proof that life can take broken and destroyed and make them new and better. Even the inside of the trees looked so burnt that there useless: I got to see the fallen pieces the parts that didn’t make it but there were little saplings 2-3 years old like my life sprinkled along the way but the big trees with burned marks, and missing bark we’re stronger and in awe to see. There were so many levels to them and I thought the only thing I was going to see were big trees but I saw my life. In the still of the moments I was there. I thanked God for not only this creation but bringing me half way across the United states to see out of so much destruction the beauty that can come out of it. The piece before Jim came down the hill is I looked up for the final time and either I wanted to hear it or I heard it but my dad said son I’m proud of you. I had told a few if only I could here my dad say that just one more time and that I did.

So I process all of this as we leave yesterday heading back its a lot to take in and I’m still in awe of what I feel and the peace that I have. I also got to see my ex wife’s family in Tucson last night for about 10 minutes. I really love them and they love me too. Its part of divorce that sucks when you miss family but it was the best 10 minutes. The hugs when we left were great and I got a few miles down the road and cried. I got to put to rest some fears about seeing them but also just letting family know I love them. They left me with some great words and I intend to remember them. Between Tucson and El PAso last night while Jim was sleeping and it was just literally me and the road I came to this realization.  For the first time in my 39 years I understand my life. It’s very simple: I was broken and will always be broken, I’m a sapling in my new life, Im a good man,  a good father and someone people love and respect me and that no matter what happens from this minute to the end of my life that will not change. God can and will take anything and only makes the most beautiful things out of the most broken. Yes life is that simple and I finally found my life in the quietest place that I had ever been and simply put thank you.

Thanks for allowing me to ramble but I needed to write this for myself so if I forget I can go back. It was my wow moment and here’s to you finding yours..





Day 716 I finally found my life

12 01 2015

The trip is over and were home. 46.30 hours and 3360 miles. That my friends is a road-trip in 5 days and we even ate at a waffle house. I can’t tell you everything went on because some of it belongs to my friend Jim and I and the other reason is you wouldn’t understand.  When I write this blog tonight it’s very deep for me. There was so much purpose and meaning to it. I ask you to have an open mind and continue to pray for me as I continue to grow.

I never would have appreciated going on this trip three years ago. Seeing the Sequoia trees was a bucket list item but like most bucket list items in my life I complained and bitched that it wasn’t this or that etc.  God ALWAYS knows what he’s doing.  His timing is perfect even though I have told him many times he didn’t know what he was doing. National Geographic put an article out about the trees in April or May of 2014 and I mentioned to my buddy Jim how cool it would be to see the trees up close. So for my birthday he got us the trip and sat the date. We both love to drive and this was a perfect way to experience part of the country that we hadn’t seen. It causes you to slow down appreciate whats outside the window rather just flying, rushing to a rental car etc.. It allows you to have conversation and be real because what else do you have to do. Jim had never been to Vegas so we took that experience and if you ave never been to Vegas go. On the way we stopped at Hoover dam. Its amazing what we did building that and the amount of concrete and people it must have taken. I’m afraid of heights and we were out there 5 years ago and I couldn’t walk on the dam. I literally froze and my legs wouldn’t move. This time I walked on the entire left side crossed over the dam and walked down the right side. I was so proud of myself. I still had fear but I also had belief. I even leaned over the edge. Another small victory in my life. Something so amazing and not only did I overcome my fear I truly appreciated it. Friday we got to the Sequoia National Forest and it was dark and freezing. From the time we entered the park to our lodge we stayed it its only 23 miles but it takes 1:20 minutes to get there because of the curves and elevation. We were right at 7300 feet high. I’m so glad it was dark or I would have passed out seeing over the edge which I got to see when we left the lodge. at the lodge we had no cell service and the wi-fi would have been better with two tin cans. That’s another good thing because I wasn’t married to my phone like normal. So we ate dinner Friday night at the lodge tried to get adjusted to the elevation and settled in for the night. I went to bed being very anxious and I had no idea why.  I mean okay you’re going to see big trees so what. After breakfast we drove down the mountain and there were two trees in particular we wanted to see which were The Sherman (largest tree by diameter) and The President ( around 350 ft tall) Only thing was it was 2.5 mile round trip and even though I think I’m in good shape I wondered if I could make it as usual doubting myself. The Sherman is the first tree and there are no words or pics that can do the tree justice. its 36 feet in diameter. I was in absolute awe. There were a good number of people around that tree and a little further up the path but to see the President which is the one on front of National geographic we had to keep hiking. We took a few breaks to catch our breath, but as we continued up you couldn’t hear the cars below, nobody else was making the hike with us, and the snow on the ground was drowning out the other sounds of the forest. I boosted my buddy Jim up on a rock which was super high but he got up there and the pic was so great because he conquered it but he had accomplished so much more and that pic was proof for him.

President tree Burnt tree

As we got closer to The President tree we stopped talking to each other so much and it got quite but mostly my mind got quite. You look around the forest and there are broken branches many places where fire had burned the trees, but you saw new life, you saw trees that were 2-3 years old that were thriving and my mind just went quite. We finally get up to the president tree and you look up and almost fall over backwards trying to see up to the top.  Theres a bench that you can sit on to take a pics and I sat down. I sat and never in my life had I heard the quite that I did for the 5 minutes I sat there. Jim went up a hill to do his own thing and there I was then it hit me. I heard God and he said. I brought you here so you can see your life. You see the trees that are burnt but thriving that’s you. The forest fire blacked the trees but they don’t die. It is so proof that life can take broken and destroyed and make them new and better. Even the inside of the trees looked so burnt that there useless: I got to see the fallen pieces the parts that didn’t make it but there were little saplings 2-3 years old like my life sprinkled along the way but the big trees with burned marks, and missing bark we’re stronger and in awe to see. There were so many levels to them and I thought the only thing I was going to see were big trees but I saw my life. In the still of the moments I was there. I thanked God for not only this creation but bringing me half way across the United states to see out of so much destruction the beauty that can come out of it. The piece before Jim came down the hill is I looked up for the final time and either I wanted to hear it or I heard it but my dad said son I’m proud of you. I had told a few if only I could here my dad say that just one more time and that I did.

So I process all of this as we leave yesterday heading back its a lot to take in and I’m still in awe of what I feel and the peace that I have. I also got to see my ex wife’s family in Tucson last night for about 10 minutes. I really love them and they love me too. Its part of divorce that sucks when you miss family but it was the best 10 minutes. The hugs when we left were great and I got a few miles down the road and cried. I got to put to rest some fears about seeing them but also just letting family know I love them. They left me with some great words and I intend to remember them. Between Tucson and El PAso last night while Jim was sleeping and it was just literally me and the road I came to this realization.  For the first time in my 39 years I understand my life. It’s very simple: I was broken and will always be broken, I’m a sapling in my new life, Im a good man,  a good father and someone people love and respect me and that no matter what happens from this minute to the end of my life that will not change. God can and will take anything and only makes the most beautiful things out of the most broken. Yes life is that simple and I finally found my life in the quietest place that I had ever been and simply put thank you.

Thanks for allowing me to ramble but I needed to write this for myself so if I forget I can go back. It was my wow moment and here’s to you finding yours.

 








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