Day 1615 Lets get naked

6 08 2017

First I want to thank you all for reading this blog. It’s so cool that people all over the world can read this. Looking at all the countries I wonder if I weird in foreign countries too.

Second I get a lot what does the day in your title mean. Well in this case 1615 days ago I started a car trip to Virginia by myself. to see one of my closet friends. I prayed and promised myself that my life would change for the better starting that day and would never be the same. So here we are 1615 days later. Its been one hell of a roller coaster but its been a blast.

I hope the title got you to read! I have been the physical naked more times that you want to hear. It was the only way I knew to love for the longest time or feel I was important. I hurt so many women over the years. It wasn’t purposeful just thought being naked meant I was enough. So shirt off,pants off and you liked me.

I hope for most of us with age comes wisdom, if not you hit your rock bottom and I promise you get wiser or you get buried.  I learned that not only does my value not coming from being physically naked but you want someone to love, like, or respect you: LETS GET REALLY NAKED. I hate small talk every bit of it, I could care less what’s up! I’m going to give or get a generic answer anyway so why I ask. The naked I want is the soul bearing, tear filled, biggest smile type of naked, clothes on or off I don’t care. I want to talk about: death, aliens, birthdays cake, what makes you cry, why you became insecure, why you fake it, music, the meaning of life,  the lies you live, your favorite smells, the quirks that nobody knows because you feel you’ll be judged, your childhood, your first crush, why you watch the ceiling fan spin at night, why does asparagus make your pee smell so bad, why you don’t like peanuts but love peanut butter. I want to know your emotions, what your depth is. Why you’re twisted.  I learned not to judge but question. When you know someone who is  feeling that,  that feeling only comes from God. if you know me and say you’re the weirdest person I know but I love your soul. Mission accomplished!

Don’t get me wrong I love the physical naked but learning what it takes to be real makes relationships powerful. I know you can’t get naked with everyone because most wont get it and that’s okay. So to me from you let’s get naked. Real is exposing your soul and not giving a damn! I’m ready for the real naked time!!

Thanks for reading

 

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Day 898 I don’t need you

13 07 2015

Yesterday I attend a wedding and reception for one of the first girls I dated after my divorce. She said I was the best first date she ever had. I guess that was enough and we have stayed friends and I was lucky enough to attend yesterday. He’s a great guy and two people who have found love after divorce. We almost didn’t make it because I took my son and he said if they kiss Im going to throw up. Im proud to report they did kiss and no throw up! Something is up though because 4 girls Ive dated in the last 19 months have gotten married after me. So if you’re looking to get married go on a date with me and the man of your dreams appears right after me. LOL!

I was the worlds worst independent, I go this, I don’t need you person. If you didn’t do I would step in and get it done “the right way” I couldn’t accept help, I had to be the first, the best and sometimes the only. I was a great team player as long as I lead the team. I was even brash enough to tell God on many occasions I got this I don’t need you. I never said I was smart I said I was independent. I pretty much alienated every single person in my life away from me and when you do that Rock Bottom is just sitting there waiting for you! I reached it but in that I learned some very valuable lessons which we always do and it’s always the hard way.

Last night at the reception I heard a conversation (BTW people talk to loud sometimes) and this guy and girl who were friends but not together mentioned at least three times that they didn’t need anybody. They gave their reasons see above just like I had and I wanted to jump in the conversation so bad but I let it play out. It’s so sad that we think we got this by ourselves. We as people were destined to belong, why are there gangs, team sports, band, mothers group, AA, etc.. We were made to be with others. As iron sharpens iron one man sharpens another. You take being an alcoholic or drug user and who you hang around with is what you become. You’re a christian and you hang with atheists your probably going to become atheists. What I m trying to say is good or bad we all want to belong. We need the time by ourselves to reflect but if we stay by ourselves we don’t got it and we never will. If you were on your island you might even survive or thrive but just for a bit then you will drown either figuratively or in mind trash. It is true we don’t need certain people or persons in our life. All they do is crush our soul and spirit. Fine get rid of them but you need to surround yourself with people and different kinds that help you not to be alone. I promise you this: If you try to fix you with only you it may end is a pool of your own emotions, or blood. We  have more going on in our lives than ever before and the garbage that floats around in our mind is crippling. I’m blessed to have 4 close friends. I call them my 3 o’clock in the morning friends. If its 3 o’clock I can call them and they will be there. they might grill me but they will be there. I have my Rock Bottom family that not once have they judged me and accepted me every-time. I want you to find that as well. You can always become a part of the rock bottom family or find your peeps that are your 3 o’clock friends. You may have never needed them but you will one day I promise. The people I had in my past life left me when I needed them, I thought they were my ride or die types. When I needed them they could have cared less of I would have died. You cant and weren’t meant to be alone. So rather than saying I don’t need you say I want you please. If you want those types of people pray and God will bring them to you!





Day 739 Why men buy sex!!

4 02 2015

Another week with my babies and another week of sayings and things that you don’t forget. My daughter told me Monday night that now that football is over I’ll need to work out harder to be a man since my testosterone dies after football. I just wonder what in the heck that 7th grade girls talk about at lunch. Never mind I really don’t want to know.  Also the hedgehog is an interesting creature. They have a great personality and use the bathroom more than a class of kindergartners.

The topic of buying sex came from Warren Sapp an NFL Hall of Famer and analyst got arrested for solicitation of a prostitute super bowl weekend. This isn’t about him or to Dog him he has demons like us all. Are we really one to judge since the things that go on behind our doors is pretty disgusting when you get down to it. I know this doesn’t pertain to all men but the majority of men struggle with sex, porn, prostitution etc.. I’m also writing this from a man’s perspective because  I am a man and I know  women struggle with many of the same issues but I’ll stick to what I know.

Women always want to know why: I have everything he would want. I’ll do anything for my man. Or why would my friend, dad, brother do that it’s so disgusting. Again talking about porn, sex, prostitution when I reference it here. You might ask well how do you know, stats prove it but I ask questions, I listen to men, look at what ends marriages, men’s groups, etc.. So here you go:

The computer, the prostitute doesn’t say no. You pay your money and the answer is always yes. Every man I have heard this from after the fact was disappointed, lonely, waste of money, un-filling, empty. We as men need to hear yes. We here no so often that going where the answer is yes is fulfilling until the act happens. Men are not good in relationships period. Most of our fathers didn’t know how to teach and so we carry that legacy. One of my friends  about his experience of childhood cruelty and neglect and linked this to his inability to form close ­relationships with anyone, particularly women.

I would say to its hard especially today to know how to content with a women in the usual means. You don’t have to connect with women through porn or prostitution. All the things we lack as men with feelings, and emotions, and being touch and feel that all gets to go away. We perform our act of gratitude to ourselves and the computer closes or the girl goes away. We don’t have to hold you, explain why I didn’t last that long or talk to you at all. The worst things for a man but the easiest thing to. We want our ideal prostitute not to behave like one, to role-play to be a pretend girlfriend, a casual date, not business-like or mechanical.  Then you go away. I was 20 years old and had 100 bucks and with buddies and I tried it. It was so cool until I left the room. I felt like I just paid someone to pretend to like me and she was good at pretending but now what.   I also believe that men need Validation of being desirable . This is emotionally charged, and probably very powerful, more so than what people think and finally, Objectification (ends justify the means) , however some more negative connotation along with it meaning that socially they can not see the other as being anything more than sex/money.

I know this you would be surprised who is addicted to porn and prostitution, You think the best looking guy who can get any girl wouldn’t do it false. .This has nothing to do with looks. It has everything to do with our worth, or lack there of, what we were or weren’t taught about women, that we don’t understand women, but also women don’t get us. You don’t understand the fear and doubt that men walk around with. If you suck in bed as man there’s nothing worse in a man’s eyes.  Yes even that guy that walks around cocky, arrogant, has more money than God, yeah him too.  When a woman shoots down a man in public about his lack of size, or no prowess in be d you just sent him a death sentence and now he’s going to go find what wont talk him down or make him feel inadequate.

Yes men need help, we need counseling and we need more Jesus. A lot more but Christian men struggle more than most because they have more to live up too. I promise! So how do we fix it. From the things I mentioned but also women have to start trying to understand men because were a lot more sensitive than you would ever know. Do porn and prostitution go away and in the words of my friend JB. If all men are locked up and all women die. We can just pray that men get healthy and start changing the generation below us. Not the best news and I don’t have the answers for you just the facts!

 





Day 657 Footprints washed from my mind

14 11 2014

Another week with my babies is done. It’s a tough thing to drop them off but man do I love my every minute with them. They are so full of life and they teach me so much. They still have a lot of innocence which I lost many years ago and with the that I learn from them. Just like my daughter said this morning  we may not get breakfast here again so we should appreciate it right daddy? Absolutely!

If you have never been to the beach I think everyone should go just to walk the shoreline with bare feet. It’s an amazing feeling but one of the few times we get to see our footprint. I think I spend about a minute looking behind me noticing my footprint and then watching it get washed away. As I walk the shoreline I continue to make footprints though but no matter what they get washed away every time. If I look back they are gone but still in my mind and if I look forward I see the new ones I’m making by putting one foot in front of the other. Last night I did the second part of my radio show and I thought about all the footprints I had made in my past. I have a hard time remembering the good ones but they bad ones stick. I almost cried twice during the show just thing about those moments. People think they know because of my blog and sure you get about 15% of me.What you don’t know is the emotion that came with those moments. The emotions are what shaped me and dammit they hurt. I left a lot of footprints that maybe only 2 people know them all and that’s probably safe for most but with that when the show ended last night I was truly happy. I’m leaving some really cool footprints now and some people have told me the things I say and do don’t leave them. I thought they all get washed away but I learning otherwise. I’m so thankful that life is able to be re-created and it was done through the bad things that I’m learning to be thankful for. I know this my daughter put her head on my shoulder last night driving home from the show and said dad I’m really proud of you, you’re doing good things. The footprints I left before would have never got my daughter to say that. When you walk the beach next time and you see your footprints wash away remember that it’s not what you see in your past that matters but what you left people to see tomorrow.





Day 368 Forgiveness its about me

15 01 2014

Sometimes there are things you just don’t understand. Someone broke in my mom’s house took the last nice things she had. This is the 3rd time in 10 months my mom has been robbed or broken into. The first thoughts I have are horrible and the next thoughts have are worse. I can only pray this stops my mom deserves so much better!

Forgiveness- Its harder to forgive than it is to love, hate, smile, anger, cry. I believe it’s the the one thing that we truly as a human race don’t understand, doesn’t feel right and we damn sure don’t want to do it, but WE MUST! I suck at it but with practice I know for sure there are three people who have forgiven because I have peace in my heart about both. My father , my friend Jimand my ex-wife. Forgiveness is not about forgetting what has taken place or just saying it’s okay. Forgiveness is not about the other person your forgiving it’s about you and me! We don’t forgive for them. I bet they never know if you forgive them and honestly they had already moved on and probably don’t care anyway.. If you’re struggling in your life right now I can bet  you have a choke hold on someone who doesn’t even care and you won’t forgive them. It’s like you drinking poison and thinking hey there going to get sick. When you forgive someone the other person being forgiven doesn’t have to know,ask for it, deserve it, be sorry for what they did.

Forgiveness is a decision; it is not an emotion.This maybe the toughest of all to learn because it certainly feels emotional. When we decide to forgive, however, your emotions will eventually follow, we have been created with a will that is stronger than your emotions.

Lastly forgiveness is not trust: You can forgive someone who hurts you but you don’t have to keep them in your life. Forgiveness allows us to love again. May not love that person again but the next person can get our love!

So I can’t tell you how to forgive except start asking God for the strength to forgive. It will happen but you must really want it. Start today because you may not be able to tomorrow.

Thank you Andy Andrews for your Words





Day 368 Forgiveness its about me

14 01 2014

Sometimes there are things you just don’t understand. Someone broke in my mom’s house took the last nice things she had. This is the 3rd time in 10 months my mom has been robbed or broken into. The first thoughts I have are horrible and the next thoughts have are worse. I can only pray this stops my mom deserves so much better!

Forgiveness- Its harder to forgive than it is to love, hate, smile, anger, cry. I believe it’s the the one thing that we truly as a human race don’t understand, doesn’t feel right and we damn sure don’t want to do it, but WE MUST! I suck at it but with practice I know for sure there are three people who have forgiven because I have peace in my heart about both. My father , my friend Jimand my ex-wife. Forgiveness is not about forgetting what has taken place or just saying it’s okay. Forgiveness is not about the other person your forgiving it’s about you and me! We don’t forgive for them. I bet they never know if you forgive them and honestly they had already moved on and probably don’t care anyway.. If you’re struggling in your life right now I can bet  you have a choke hold on someone who doesn’t even care and you won’t forgive them. It’s like you drinking poison and thinking hey there going to get sick. When you forgive someone the other person being forgiven doesn’t have to know,ask for it, deserve it, be sorry for what they did.

Forgiveness is a decision; it is not an emotion.This maybe the toughest of all to learn because it certainly feels emotional. When we decide to forgive, however, your emotions will eventually follow, we have been created with a will that is stronger than your emotions.

Lastly forgiveness is not trust: You can forgive someone who hurts you but you don’t have to keep them in your life. Forgiveness allows us to love again. May not love that person again but the next person can get our love!

So I can’t tell you how to forgive except start asking God for the strength to forgive. It will happen but you must really want it. Start today because you may not be able to tomorrow.

Thank you Andy Andrews for your Words

Forgiveness is about you. It allows you to:

  • Let go of anger
  • Avoid bitterness
  • Stop letting someone else’s actions affect your life
  • “Forgiveness frees the forgive

– See more at: http://www.andyandrews.com/forgive-people-sorry/?inf_contact_key=1cf5e69191b2511453f5ea27d04852368abf2075f506d9de3b5fcd4e7ce4ec36#sthash.el4qDd8t.dpuf

  • Ask for it
  • Deserve it
  • Be sorry for what they’ve done
  • Even know you are forgiving them

– See more at: http://www.andyandrews.com/forgive-people-sorry/?inf_contact_key=1cf5e69191b2511453f5ea27d04852368abf2075f506d9de3b5fcd4e7ce4ec36#sthash.el4qDd8t.dpuf





Day 161 I wish I had a cool picture of my dad

16 06 2013

I had a very fun day with my babies and now there back with their mom. The morning message at church was about fathers and what we should be. I always have such a mixed bag of emotions on this day because it should be so happy because of my babies. I look back at Fathers day with my dad and I’m so sad because I took him for granted on so many occasions. The relationship we had wasn’t great but wasn’t horrible but what it dad allow me was this: Im a kick butt dad and when the lay me 6 ft under one day my children, my family and even you will say that man was an amazing father. I will work my ass off every day to be the best father that I am capable, I will make mistakes but I will die trying to make sure that my kids understand the opportunity I was given and I cherished it with the most open arms. I want other men young or old to say that’s the kind of man and father I want to be. I may not ever have the most toys, best career, another wife, or travel the world but what matters the most I will be the best.

Today on Facebook I saw so many people change their profile pic to those of them and their Father and all I could say was I wish I had a cool pic that. I have two pics with my dad since 1998. One I graduated from college in 1998 and in 2000 our justice of the peace wedding. (we had two weddings) One of the pics you can see the physical pain on his face and the other it must have gotten wet and kind of stuck to another pic. I have one of him in his casket and that’s it. He didn’t want me to see him like he was but I told him without a pic I still know. You see at 10 my dad said you’re the man of the family and that’s where our relationship started going down hill. When he said that he actual meant it and let me take the reins. You can never tell a boy you’re the man of the family and let go. Im 37 and just now figuring out the whole man thing. If you know me I have strong shoulders and can handle a lot my dad knew that and he let me take that because he was afraid. I was an ear for my mom, a push for my sister and do everything for my dad and a boy only sometimes. I learned to be independent and I learned I needed nobody but me. That worked fine until I did need someone and that man was my dad. I had a conversation with my mom yesterday about hoe upset I was with her that she had stayed with him when he just gave up on us. I said that was the example you wanted for me and I was so upset.  I told her that there was this man I never got to see that you did. he was a great dresser, artist, musician, card player and anything he touched turned to gold when he put his mind to it, but all I got to see was the broken down man, that coughed up his lungs and couldn’t wipe his own ass. I remember twice when my dad was real with me: One was a fishing trip my uncle hos brother took us on in Port Aransas. I got to hear my dad talk about boobs, drinking, tell jokes and smile for once. The other was the last 6 months of his life. he was transparent and he said he was sorry. He told he all the things he would do again if he could and he said” Son I wish I was half of the man you are now! At that time I was still so engulfed in my own  anger and wishing him to die that I never really grasped what he said. so Fast forward now:

I took my dad for granted. Through the counseling and the therapy I forgave my dad and my mom. My mom lived her vows and is a badass lady. she put up with more than any women should have had to and did it better than most. I told  her that yesterday and told her I wasn’t mad at her anymore and I’m proud of what she did. We are all broken we can either choose to do something with it or live it. My dad lived it but he let me know at the end of his life how proud he was of me and that I was truly the apple of his eye. He said just mentioning my name filled him with the greatest of joy. He meant it when he said he wished he was half the man I was. I needed him to be there for me but he wasn’t because he couldn’t be then he died, but because he told me his true feelings before he passed away I was able to look at the bright side and good side today. I can love and cherish my kids because he didn’t know how, but wanted to so badly, he tried and failed but at least he tried. So today there is no more guilt or condemnation on myself. I love my father good and bad and Im proud to say that I was his son. It’s the same strength I had at 10 that will allow me to continue to be the greatest father any man could dream of being. I love you dad and thank you.

 








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