Day 1514 I Hope for 25 years

16 04 2017

Happy Easter! An amazing day especially knowing about he resurrection. As today cam  and watching a case for Christ this week. There is no doubt Jesus died on the cross and came back 3 days later.
Even the most died hard who doesn’t believe respects the fact he rose.
I think I’m tough , I’ve taken some beatings but the physical annihilation of one’s body and ultimate suffocation on a cross is something I can’t fathom.
That happened for me! For my sorry butt. It happened for you. So he could watch us commit sin after sin, but love us enough to forgive us and allow us to continue to walk this earth.
I actually will tear up tomorrow. I don’t know how to love that much. When I tried to take my life every horrible thing I said to Jesus and he allowed me to stay. He gave me another chance.
Starting tomorrow the greatest miracle ever starts. It’s not about dumb, fake green grass, a basket, Cadbury eggs ( which I love),
It’s about a man who bleed to death but still had the words to say forgive them for they don’t know what they do.
That’s my Jesus.  I know that he loves me and I will celebrate him, today and in the storm. I love you Jesus.

AS I sat in Easter service last night a couple to my right caught my eye. I knew they were in their 60s A point was made she would squeeze his leg, he would nod, at one point he reached over to kiss her. I teared up. I wondered how much life they had lived, how many Easters had they sat in service, how many fights had they had, how many horrible things have they said to each other. Then I thought how many times have they said I love you, how they dealt with the death of their parents, the amazing things of their children, the moments that they took the others one breath away. when the moments happened that the other one was there,  when they sat in a room and were the most content ever without ever saying a word. They had those days where they hated the other one, wish that they weren’t together. Or those moments were the other person thought they looked their worst they closed their eyes and thanked God that they belonged to them.

I was longing for sure. I was married for 14 years. engaged for a bit. I always wanted that 25 years with someone. That I could look at them  and say I spent more of my life with you and I wouldn’t change it.  That you have tears running down your eyes because you know God kept you together. She could have quit but stayed. Funds were low and debts were high and she just sighed. When you didn’t understand menopause but kept saying I love you. When nothing felt more right than holding her hand on a walk, or in the movies and knowing that you did something for her that nobody else knows just you two.

So service was over I tapped the man on the shoulder. I know weird question but how long have you been married. 31 years he said. I said thank you. I was watching I’ve always wanted what you have. She looked at me and said we’ve never heard that but its been the best 31 years of my life. Neither quit, never stopped loving, We all know the hell of relationships and 31 years later.

I envy those people and anyone else who fought and didn’t quit. Even when everything said too. The best 31 years of my life. I think and pray for that. I had always hoped for 25 years. Now I’m further along in life it could happen. No matter what happens I believe in true, never quit love. Society says no. I believe in hopeless romantics, love everlasting, a hug that lasts for minutes and the world stops, a piece of paper saying you have a nice butt still, I still hope for my 25 years. In the meantime I’ll continue watching and asking those that do it to fill my hope tank.

Happy Easter and Love you

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Day 998 Do you really believe that crap

22 10 2015

Finally my friends outside of Texas it has cooled off. My head doesn’t smell like cooked bacon anymore and the leaves are changing into  mulch because the color here goes from green to dead. It is great at night when its 60 and you can walk around without dripping in sweat. Welcome Fall and pumpkin spice whatever.

I try a few times a week to  post to my Facebook something truthful and meaningful to me. In turn I hope someone else gets something out of it. It could be about God, life, kids, overcoming something etc.. I just hope that I read it and remember but also lives change. I know what its like to be in the depths of hell and I hope that people just have hope.

I posted last week: I’ve heard a lot this week I cant do this. To get to that point breaks my heart because the hopeless feeling is overwhelming.
My sophomore year of high school someone left this poem on my desk. I still have no idea this day who put it on my desk. The number of times I have read it, held it and cried are too many to count. It always helped me realize I have hope.
I hope it does for you and remember this:
If you’re reading this God is 100% on getting you through something that you thought you couldn’t handle. Have a great day please

Tyler Wood's photo.
I had a guy message me and said do you really believe the crap (he used another word) you post. I mean come on man life isn’t easy. Its hard and you post all of this stuff and there’s no way you believe it all.
I used to be very cynical and didn’t believe it. I always said that was for someone else. I mean look at my life how could any of those things possibly  work. Look at my life this stuff just doesn’t work for me.
Fast forward there are days where i post the things I do or write the blog because I need to see it. I stopped believing or feel far from God and all the things that are important to me. I feel like a non-believer at times that where Im at  is the best its going to be, That he doesn’t want any better for me,  where I am at in life is it. Then I have two people who wake me up. It might be a text or a slap in the face meeting.
Yes I believe this (crap). I got here because of it. The church did a horrible job when we grew up of letting us know that God (yes that God) wants the best for us in every aspect, relationships, love, money, job, helping etc.. There is no limit to his love.  It’s okay to be successful and wealthy as long as we are feeding his kingdom back and not taking credit for what he did.
I have to believe what I post, read and think. If I don’t I will be at my Rock bottom again. I NEVER want to be at that place of being alive but being dead. I know if I feel the crap of the world that people need to see the hope too. I do struggle and question but that’s normal. Staying in that place of non-belief is what will cause our downfall.
You have a story too. Please tell your story even if you don’t feel worthy. I’m no different from you at all I just listened to what God wanted and not me. I’m taking the 2nd chance and trying my best to make sure that “this crap” helps someone else and being convicted when I do wrong. So I’m off to find more crap to think about.




Day 998 Do you really believe that crap

21 10 2015

Finally my friends outside of Texas it has cooled off. My head doesn’t smell like cooked bacon anymore and the leaves are changing into  mulch because the color here goes from green to dead. It is great at night when its 60 and you can walk around without dripping in sweat. Welcome Fall and pumpkin spice whatever.

I try a few times a week to  post to my Facebook something truthful and meaningful to me. In turn I hope someone else gets something out of it. It could be about God, life, kids, overcoming something etc.. I just hope that I read it and remember but also lives change. I know what its like to be in the depths of hell and I hope that people just have hope.

I posted last week: I’ve heard a lot this week I cant do this. To get to that point breaks my heart because the hopeless feeling is overwhelming.
My sophomore year of high school someone left this poem on my desk. I still have no idea this day who put it on my desk. The number of times I have read it, held it and cried are too many to count. It always helped me realize I have hope.
I hope it does for you and remember this:
If you’re reading this God is 100% on getting you through something that you thought you couldn’t handle. Have a great day please

Tyler Wood's photo.
I had a guy message me and said do you really believe the crap (he used another word) you post. I mean come on man life isn’t easy. Its hard and you post all of this stuff and there’s no way you believe it all.
I used to be very cynical and didn’t believe it. I always said that was for someone else. I mean look at my life how could any of those things possibly  work. Look at my life this stuff just doesn’t work for me.
Fast forward there are days where i post the things I do or write the blog because I need to see it. I stopped believing or feel far from God and all the things that are important to me. I feel like a non-believer at times that where Im at  is the best its going to be, That he doesn’t want any better for me,  where I am at in life is it. Then I have two people who wake me up. It might be a text or a slap in the face meeting.
Yes I believe this (crap). I got here because of it. The church did a horrible job when we grew up of letting us know that God (yes that God) wants the best for us in every aspect, relationships, love, money, job, helping etc.. There is no limit to his love.  It’s okay to be successful and wealthy as long as we are feeding his kingdom back and not taking credit for what he did.
I have to believe what I post, read and think. If I don’t I will be at my Rock bottom again. I NEVER want to be at that place of being alive but being dead. I know if I feel the crap of the world that people need to see the hope too. I do struggle and question but that’s normal. Staying in that place of non-belief is what will cause our downfall.
You have a story too. Please tell your story even if you don’t feel worthy. I’m no different from you at all I just listened to what God wanted and not me. I’m taking the 2nd chance and trying my best to make sure that “this crap” helps someone else and being convicted when I do wrong. So I’m off to find more crap to think about.




Day 822 Just go ahead and quit

27 04 2015

What do you do with a sick boat? You take it to the doc!! Okay I laughed but you don’t have to. A busy weekend seems to always find me but I m not good at sitting still so good for me. We at Rock Bottom Outreach had a photo shoot Sunday that was fun. Most photo shoots aren’t but being around people you share a common bond with  and knowing we will do with our marketing material is very exciting. We were told to look serious and smiling. Here is my serious. I look so scary!! 🙂

RBO photo shoot

It’s hard to beat a person that doesn’t quit. Sometimes you can’t do it. You never fail at anything until you quit. Just because it didn’t work the way you wanted you still succeeded until you just throw int he towel. To be:honest Ive quit twice in my life: First time is when I left TCU and decided I wasn’t playing football anymore. And in August 2011 when I decided it was time to take my life. Both of those moments in my life were the most pain staking but my life actually got better from both. I can relate to anyone is ready to throw in the towel. No matter how much better life gets life is about peeks, valleys, Sometimes you’re at the top and sometimes at the bottom. The top is not always as good as we think and the bottom is never has bad as we think. Saying all of this I’m just in a dead place in my life. It’s not horrible but its nothing.  The nothing of life sucks. So much so that you can’t appreciate right in front of you.  I know in this place God is working on me and in me. It frustrates those around me so much and I’m sure more than they tell me, but I do know and I promise I’m working on it.

When I need answers I look to others because I know if I rely on myself I fail. Ive asked for help and direction and listened. I heard the same answers I was used to or expecting.  I was looking for different so I went to my atheist buddy. He was a christian and devote but he just go tired of the what he called ” Jesus crap and people” and became and athiest. When we talk we debate not don’t argue and his points are very valid. You need friends  not like you because different views and ideas is what helps you grow as a person. I could bore you with the details but after 45 minutes he said you should just go ahead and  quit. He said your burden of knowledge has you head locked and just quit because you’re not going to get there with what you know. He said what you are dealing with is why I left God because I never got the answers I thought he was going to give me.

I looked  at him and told I always appreciate our talks but not this time. I will bust my butt to get where God wants me this time without throwing in the towel. I have quit and know better. People are relying on me and I’m so close to a breakthrough in my life-like I’ve never had.  I know some days are going to be good and some will suck but that door for you and for me is 6 inches away and if we claw, scratch and struggle when the door opens the life we thought is right there.

If you’re at the end of your rope, lost, lonely or just want an answer people don’t give up. Only when you quit do you fail. God is waiting for you to ask and he’s telling you just a bit further and trust me. He never left us, we left him and for me not this time Satan, take a hike.





Day 77 Power of the P

7 11 2012

Election is over! This country is so divided right now. Everyone please pray for the president and let’s make this economy better.

I miss taking naps. I know in Europe they do it a lot and they have the right idea. I never have appreciated naps until now. When I was in Kindergarten I would get up from my nap and take everyone’s cookie from their stuff while their sleeping. I guess that’s why now I m being punished for the  past cookie burglaries I can never get a nap. I need one badly.

I m not sure what part of the country you read this from but I need it to be cold. We never have seasons really in Texas I m not sure why I complain. I would like it to be cold so we could start getting in the holiday spirit. Coffee, soup, and Hot chocolate taste better when its cold. I m just saying.

The Power of the P is the Power of Perseverance. I believe more than anything is life that we have to have to be happy and successful is perseverance. If it’s following God, having a happy marriage, having level 10 friendships, dealing with our kids to get them through the toughest years. There are so many times where we would like to throw the towel in and many times we have. Think what has happened when we have done that and how damaging it was to us.

Booker T. Washington: Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which they have overcome.

We have to go through discomfort to reach the level in life it takes to succeed. Please let me know if this is wrong, but I believe,

Our life’s journey is about, progress and not perfection, it’s not about doing one thing 100% it’s about doing 100 things 1% better, everyday it matters that you show up for your life  whether you feel like it or not, The inches will turn into miles.

I got this poem my Freshman year of high school. IT was sitting at my desk in home room and to this day I have no idea wh0 it came from, ironic thing this poem author is unknown as well. I always keep this with me and its truly the power of perseverance

Don’t quit,

When things go wrong as they sometimes will;

When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill;

When the funds are low, and the debts are high;

and you want to smile, but have to sigh;

When care is pressing you down a bit-

rest if you must but don’t you quit.

Success is failure turned inside out;

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt; and you can never tell how close you are;

It may be near when it seems so afar.

So, stick to the fight when your hardest hit-

It’s when things go wrong, that you must not quit








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