Day 1527 Please Daddy hold my hand

30 04 2017

 

I hope all of you are well. I’m going to get right into it today

I can remember 4 times in my life my dad held my hand. I was about 5 years old at the fort worth zoo and it was really crowded. I’m not sure why remember that but I do remember the feeling of how good it felt.

2nd time was my junior year of high school and I had just had a major operation on my leg. My dad wheeled me out on the football field and each teammate came by and high-fived me and when they were done I was crying. He grabbed my hand and said you’ll be their next year.
3rd time was my college graduation. My dad was very sick at this time and always in pain. Since W. Is in my last name I was at the end. He sat through the entire graduation. When I got to get over to my parents I stuck my hand out to shake his. He shook it but then it went from that to locking hands. He was crying and said thank you for always fulfilling my dreams of what my son could be.
Finally February 11 2005, my dad went into a coma at home. I got to my parents  at 11:00 pm. After hours of talking to him, they said he could hear me, I got up went outside and talked to God and said please take him. If you didn’t know I had a father wound, and was embarrassed and at times hated my dad. I was so ready for him to die. Around 7:00 am I went to his bed and laid down next to him. I took his hand and locked it with mine. I know he wanted that. At 720 am he took his last breath and I felt life leave him through my hand and his.
Why do i tell you this? I always wanted my dad to hold my hand and bring me along. That’s not what men did back then even though it was the most memorable and heartfelt things we did. I just never told him.
When I got my 2nd chance at life in 2011 I said I will hold my kids hands always especially my son. I guess I always have it’s because 2nd nature for me so I don’t realize I’m doing it.
Yesterday we were at a memorial service  and I’m very lovey with my kids. Rubbing their head, holding hands etc…as we sat at the service doing those things I was realizing how much my son loved to hold my hand.
We were leaving the memorial and a very old gentleman came up to me and said that boy if yours sure loves you. I said yes sir he does. He said you have no idea how I know do you? No sir I don’t. I saw you rubbing his head, but what caught my eye is every time you stood up to sing you locked hands and you held it the whole time. Remember this son, your teaching him love and continue so you won’t regret what you didn’t do. Yes sir and I hugged him.
So hold my hand daddy I need you. I wont forget that old man yesterday or the love my sin has for me. When I think I’m failing them im doing more than I realized.
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Day 1477 Dear 30 year old Tyler Wood

9 03 2017

Life has taken so many twists and turns in the past year and half. Some I’m proud of, most I struggle to see the lesson in them but there always is. Blogging was a release for me. Nobody would understand half of the stuff that goes on in this brain of mine so I blogged. the past year I bet I only wrote 10 blogs. I’m truly going to start blogging again. Its how I release without picking up the bottle again, or creeping over to watch something I shouldn’t. I heard twice this week I really miss reading your blog so maybe they will continue to help someone or give someone something to read when their bored.

I’m going through my past and cleaning out my closet for a lack of a better term. It’s easy to go back to your closet to look at that old shirt and remember a good time in it but realize it doesn’t fit. My past is my mind not actual closet 🙂

Im writing to myself but it’s also lessons I would like to teach my two babies.

1.Find out what forgiveness is: Don’t shake your head and act like you know. You destroyed 4 different relationships because of having to have all the answers.

2. Just go dance or tell the jokes you wanted to. Take the comedy class.

3.  Stop eating eggs and drinking milk the world doesn’t need your gas any longer.

4. You stopped telling people you love them because you didn’t love yourself. They needed it no matter what you think.

5. Stop working for a trip and just take the damn trip.

6. Take the walk after dinner Im really what are you going to miss sitting on the couch.

7. Don’t ask God to show you ways to help people then when the opportunity presents itself then say that can’t be it. It was!

8. If you don’t like your job quit doing it and do what you wanted.You lost everything doing something you hated.

9. Take care of your health. I know you were invincible but it catches up to you.

10. You are not your mistakes. Try just one day not beating yourself up. Your worth it.

11. Skydive- do it twice

12. When your kids ask you to play with them stop and play. There is nothing more important than that moment. Those moments don’t come back.

13. Believe in forever no matter what happens.

14. Stop and look at the historical marker,or pet the cow or horse that you thought was beautiful on your road trip. You’ll get there. PS. Keep looking for bears one day you’ll see one.

15. Dont ever forget where you came from. If you’re looking down on someone it better be because your picking them up

16 Dont lose track of your friends. They may day and you never saw them or  spoke to them again.

17. Tell your daughter everyday how amazing, and beautiful she is if not some gross boy will.

18. Call you mom everyday. Don’t skip a day. Trust me on this!

19 Love your sister she thinks  your pretty awesome.

20. Dont think your since your son is  just like you so much he’s going to do the things you did. Thats why your teaching him.

21. Dont say something to a woman that you wouldn’t want to hear about yourself.

22. When you know you shouldn’t be driving after trying to drink your thoughts away, thank God he let you get home and don’t do it again.

23. Never stop asking why. You cant stop learning.

24. Apolgise for hurting someones feelings.

25. When you don’t think someone needs you thats when you must be there.

26. Take the word cant and replace with must!

27. When you find someone who kisses like her hang onto her.

 

 





Day 1331 Don’t call it a comeback

10 10 2016

Happy Monday and Columbus day  to the blog readers. Do u remember when it’s started to get cool and you had to put jeans on again? Well that stinks and as I get older I wish we could just keep our body temperature regulated.  I’m getting old, now get off my lawn.
LL Cool J had a song where he said don’t call it a comeback: he made a comeback sound negative.i see why because the world tries the make us think that only a few people fall down so having a comeback is a weak thing.
I wish everyone could have a comeback like everyone falls down, but honestly very few in compassion  Comeback.
Comebacks rarely look like what we think. We think there Hollywood created, the guy gets the girl, the women finds her dad, the kid get a scholarship, the flood stops right at the doorstep, or the cancer just poof goes away.
I know my comeback was nothing like I wanted or asked for, I wanted my family to stay in tact, I didn’t want to split  holidays, or miss 183 days a year of my kids life, I didn’t want to spend countless nights alone with my own thoughts watching the ceiling fan spin, I thought I would have started another business, or my bank account would be full,  that I would be 3 seconds from taking my life or I would get in front of a group of 10 or 500 people and tell them how I screwed up everything.
Comebacks happen to us but not for us: We all think lets see if I comeback this way then I’ll be famous, or I will be loved this way, or I’ll become rich. How about you comeback and the only reason is because everyone around you needs you to comeback. The power we have inside of us to change a life with just our simple words is truly astounding. The one moment or place that everything you went through that someone can reach out to you and say because you told your story I was able to get up one more day when I wanted to take my life, or i was about to leave my message, I was going to quit but because you didn’t I stayed.

Stop trying to make it make sense. I need to fix it or understand before I can do it. No you just start doing “it” whatever your it is do it because right in front of you is your story that someone needs to hear it. Yes your story, my story! Nobody truly wants to sit on an island alone. We want to know does anyone feel what I felt, I’m not the only one. We’re never the only one we just lie to ourselves and believe it.

As our pastor said yesterday we are all just Wound healers in progress. I love that because we will always be wounded but our job is to pick the wounded and walk with them and hope we start healing.

When I need a reminder of why Im here, or what am I doing ,I look down at my right wrist and get a reminder. I hope if your reading this or will be that I have changed your life or given you hope. If not, as long as Im here we still have time. It’s your time for a comeback!

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Day 1302 A BUT makes you a BUTT

8 09 2016

I miss writing so often but when the day ends there is not enough time or energy. I’m trying to make it a point to get back and blog. my mind needs the writers release. Even if nobody reads it, I still need it if that makes sense.

I have always defended myself even when it wasn’t necessary. I still do now because I still forget that I am worthy and I’m enough. That if I’m wrong I’m not that little boy who didn’t have his dad to guide my way so I had to be right or I was going to always make mistakes. I like to be right and who doesn’t but that’s an excuse. We were made not to be perfect but I keep thinking i have to always be perfect and if not I’ll argue with you until I am. The past 6 months have been filled with as many changes in my life than any other time. I’m trying to always be better but!!!! That word gets me always because I might agree with you but I need you to hear my side so you know that I’m okay. So Im still insecure, frightened, unsure, changing ball of a mess. I listen to God and then I stop listening and when I stop listening welcome to Tyler Wood and his interchanging “Buts”

Have you ever went and listened to yourself when you try to defend yourself. It sounds so stupid and when you’re having a good day you step back and say what in the hell did I do that for. What did it matter if I was right or wrong. I didn’t hear the other person, I probably hurt them and I didn’t listen to anything they said. All because Im so insecure, feel unloved, unattached from anyone or anything that I just need to be heard.

I was in an argument with my fiance and we were both wrong but God forbid if I actually shut up and not have to be the heavyweight champion of arguing. So I got the title that night and I hurt her feelings and made her feel that what she had to say wasn’t important. As soon as I said But i should have stopped because the moment I kept going I became a BUTT!

Im always a work in progress like we all are but if I have to  be the champion of But I will become the champion of the BUTTS too and I really don’t need another crappy crown.

We don’t always have to be right even when we are right. The BUT stops here. I hope it can stop with you too!





Day 1257 Im engaged

22 07 2016

4 years ago I walked out of the courthouse in Denton Texas and with my divorce paperwork in hand said this was it. Never did I want to be married or be in love again. It hurt too much. Everything I knew and believed about relationships and women was flushed away with the gavel hitting the stand.  I was in the process of rebuilding me but that part I just didn’t want a part of. I went 6 months of dating nobody as I worked on repairing my bitterness, anger and the stitching back my heart. I started dating and hated it. I would meet a nice girl then get afraid and run like a kid playing hide and go seek at school. When I started believing in myself more I started to believe that maybe my goal was just to be a daddy, work and enjoy be single. I had done online dating, meeting my friends, (not recommended) and randomly asking someone for a date that I never met.

Last June I was done with dating. I was ready for God to just drop her in my lap otherwise screw it.  I got an email for 1 month free then pay for one month for online dating. I tried it and July 5th of last year was my last day. On July 4th I sent a message to a girl named Stephanie in Austin. It was long distance and that wouldn’t work but why not. She responded and we started messaging. She was in Iowa visiting family so I couldn’t meet her. August 18th I drove to Austin and went on a small date just to meet because I had to get back and go to work. She was stunningly beautiful and the best thing is at dinner she put her arm around my arm.  I left and said she was pretty cool but I can’t make that work. I suck at distance and I need someone here everyday. After going back and forth mostly her coming here. I decided in October I wanted to be her boyfriend. I went back and forth not because I didn’t like her or was starting to love her but my fears. I wasn’t worthy, this can’t be real.

The Monday before my mom died we had a serious conversation about Stephanie. She said son I love her and she’s great for you. Stop finding things wrong and find the things right. My mom died the next day! Since that moment she has been my rock. She had no idea what to do for a man who was so close to his my mom but she has done it. She loves me and my kids unconditionally.  She tries everyday to understand how weird I am. I love her and never knew what it was like  to love someone like this. Faults, quirks, great things. i love her.

Last Thursday we went to Puerto Vallarta Mexico for a short vacation: I had made plans to ask her to marry me but she had no idea. Everything fell into including the ring get through the airport screening. Last Friday night i hit my knee on the beaches of Puerto Vallarta and asked Stephanie Ann Lemburg to be my wife and she said yes. I was so nervousness and didn’t want to screw up. I succeded

Never give up, God said he will restore what the Locusts ate. Here is another part of rising through the ashes. I couldn’t be more blessed to have put down my will and accept his.





Day 1201 Inside the Minds of men

26 05 2016

Its been a while since I blogged. The world is crazy busy like everyone’s but I promise my mind is still working. Probably too much. Every-time I try to sit down either something drags me away or I my time is gone.

It’s almost been 5 years on August since my recovery journey started. I’ve always knew that I was destined for more than the standard work, eat dinner, dinner, spend time with kids and do it all over again. After reading close to 400 books in the past 5 years, digging into counseling, being a part of Rock Bottom Outreach, counseling people I knew I had to get this information out of my head and into others. I’ve been told I have a presence and when I speak people listen. I just never knew how or what to do about. My counselor Brian Hackney and I  fiddled around with ideas for 2 years how we could help with others. One is we’ll start an organization to help men, we never got excited about it. How about this and that but nothing stuck. I started checking around about speaking groups, there were a ton of women speaking to men, and men speaking to men but I couldn’t find any where men speaking to women. I was excited about the idea and about 6 months ago I was in counseling and finally brought the idea up to Brian. His eyes lit up and we started going through how we would be as real, vulnerable and authentic and let women really know whats inside the minds of men. The stuff nobody wants to talk about, porn, anger, yelling, workaholic, pride, fear lack of communication, and truly let it all hang out. We have a close friend John Finch that  started The Perfect Father ministry and https://www.facebook.com/The-Father-Effect-Movie-211007652267276/ and thought John would be a perfect complement and he gets it. We knew his struggles and we knew his heart. We asked him to join and be apart.

After months of trying to figure out what to and how we finally had a Guinea pig meeting. There were about 50 women there. It was truly an eye-opening experience. To have a vision, and allow it to happen is truly amazing. The ideas and words that the women left us with were truly awe-inspiring, We wanted to make a difference and after we had that meeting we all knew this was something great. Last night we had our first event that was paid. We had 42 women show up. there were tears, a few gasps, a few women holding on to their chair because it made them uncomfortable but what it did make a difference. When we closed and thank them we said that we hope you walk out knowing something more about men or you can go home and change your relationship. Every head nodded and the energy was amazing. We have something great here. We just need the word of mouth and positive  vibe to continue. I’ll ask you to look at or website and go to our Facebook. Hear the testimonials and if you can get us booked with your women’s group please go online. Just pass the word we appreciate it so much.

http://www.facebook.com/insidethemindsofmen.org/

http://www.insidethemindsofmen.org/

 





Day 1149 Im finally in an amazing realtionship

28 03 2016

Yesterday was the first big holiday without my mom. It was very different and she was missed terribly. Flashbacks of her being there, eating, laughing telling me if I didn’t use my manners she was going to shove an Easter egg down my throat and make me like it.
I would do anything to have her back, tell her I love her, and have her hug me one more time. Yesterday was just another day to remember how amazing she was and how she made everything so special.
A big thank you to my sister Meagan Wood for cooking like mom would have, but the bad part it was on time which would have never happened with my mom.

For almost 25 years I’ve been searching for someone to love ME. Not what I can do for them, or what my potential was but for me. I knew what I was capable of and for most of the relationships I was pretty decent in loving and showing love. I was broken and made a lot of wrong turns but now I made a change in my life and knew what I could be as a boyfriend and a future husband. I was ready to give up, from blind dates, to people I knew from my past, to dating websites I was ready to throw in the towel. Being a daddy, a warrior for God, speaker, and working I had accepted that I wasn’t going to find anyone else. In July of last year I saw a girl I thought was pretty sent her a message and then we started talking. She was in Austin so I thought it was just going to be something where I passed the time. We talked a lot and I was dating a few women here and there. I finally decided to go meet her. I drove down during the week thought I was crazy because I was going to get back so late for work the next day. Based on all the things I wanted in a woman she was it but we know that we all put on a good show when we meet. After dinner we were sitting there and she put her arm around my arm, 2 points for her. Physical touch is my love language, so she was a head of the game. She looked at me like nobody ever had and I wondered why.

When I left I thought I really needed to see her again but didn’t know when I was going to “TRY” again. I kept trying and we became closer and closer. Still the whole time I did everything I could to push her away. Not because I didn’t want her but because I was afraid. I mean I already said I was good being single the rest of my life and how could anyone possibly love me. She didn’t budge. I knew she thought about leaving but she has something I never had and that she was loyal. We told me from our first date that she thought that I was incredible. She hasn’t stopped since. I’m weird, I’m different, I march to the beat of my own drum, but I’m also loving, caring, a giver, loyal, a man’s man, a great father and she’s helped show me that. My mom, sister, kids, and my close friends thought she was great but for some reason I couldn’t get over me. The day before my mom died we had a serious conversation and I thought it might be over , and the next day my mom died. She got here as quick as she could. Like anyone else she had no idea what to do so she was there. Through my tears, my stories, my laughs, my deepest fears, and the hardest thing that had happened to me. I had always said before If I  ever stayed with someone forever again I had to know what she was like when shit hit the fan. Well lets just say she bought the best toilet paper and wiped it clean lol.

She had grown closer to my kids, Rock Bottom Outreach, God and me. When I think of what I wanted in woman, mother and lover she exceeds those expectations. There will never be another woman like my mom but Stephanie Lemburg is following closely. About 3 weeks ago God and I had one of our one on ones. I asked that he lets my heart accept all of her and let my heart fall truly, madly , deeply in love. God spoke to me and said don’t let her go for any reason and Tyler you deserve this woman its time to let go of your junk.

I have done that and I couldn’t be happier. Sure we have the ups and downs of getting to know one another but at the end of the day I’m not worried about her walking out on me. There may not be a better feeling for a 40-year-old man to know the love of a loyal woman and that she’s even on my side when she’s about ready to hit me with a hammer.

AS my journey changes Im glad to walk it with Stephanie. I love you Stephanie and thank you.

 








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