Day 1815 When do you stop outsourcing yourself Tyler

4 03 2018

One of the best things about writing a blog besides expressing yourself, the reach across the world you can get. I had a guy in a small Russian Village of 500 people reach out and say keep telling your story.

BTW thank you for reading and responding. It’s very cool to get responses even if you don’t like what I’m doing. On to the show.

I hired a life/business coach about a month ago. I’ve had 2 sessions with her. What am I supposed to be when I grow up is why I hired her. First session left me with a bunch or questions and a lot of deep thinking. Those things are good but as usual I wanted more, more answers, dig inside me deeper. So welcome the 2nd session on Friday. I spent 10 minutes telling about my thoughts, whats next, why I’m doing coaching. Then I told her how I was upset that Im always have to fight to be accepted and loved.  I pour myself into everyone, I bleed for them, I love them, i want more for them than I do myself, then she stopped me and said: Tyler when do you stop outsourcing yourself, you been doing it since you were 10 years old.  I paused and for some reason I started crying. I had to ask her to give me a minute. Nobody had worded that statement like that to me before. I know I’ve heard something like that many times but Friday it hit me.  I feel guilty, when I buy something for myself, I feel Im taking away from someone else. What do I like to do I like to put others first, that makes me happy but that doesn’t ever allow my tank to be filled. In relationships I’m the giver, and people take and take but don’t give back to me like I deserve. If I got paid to be a outsourcer i would be rich.

I have a plan,  baby steps, just a few hours a week. Learning to care for me but keep this heart that loves and wants people to succeed in life. I have to learn it’s not selfish to care about myself. If I don’t care for me who will. Love you

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Day 1514 I Hope for 25 years

16 04 2017

Happy Easter! An amazing day especially knowing about he resurrection. As today cam  and watching a case for Christ this week. There is no doubt Jesus died on the cross and came back 3 days later.
Even the most died hard who doesn’t believe respects the fact he rose.
I think I’m tough , I’ve taken some beatings but the physical annihilation of one’s body and ultimate suffocation on a cross is something I can’t fathom.
That happened for me! For my sorry butt. It happened for you. So he could watch us commit sin after sin, but love us enough to forgive us and allow us to continue to walk this earth.
I actually will tear up tomorrow. I don’t know how to love that much. When I tried to take my life every horrible thing I said to Jesus and he allowed me to stay. He gave me another chance.
Starting tomorrow the greatest miracle ever starts. It’s not about dumb, fake green grass, a basket, Cadbury eggs ( which I love),
It’s about a man who bleed to death but still had the words to say forgive them for they don’t know what they do.
That’s my Jesus.  I know that he loves me and I will celebrate him, today and in the storm. I love you Jesus.

AS I sat in Easter service last night a couple to my right caught my eye. I knew they were in their 60s A point was made she would squeeze his leg, he would nod, at one point he reached over to kiss her. I teared up. I wondered how much life they had lived, how many Easters had they sat in service, how many fights had they had, how many horrible things have they said to each other. Then I thought how many times have they said I love you, how they dealt with the death of their parents, the amazing things of their children, the moments that they took the others one breath away. when the moments happened that the other one was there,  when they sat in a room and were the most content ever without ever saying a word. They had those days where they hated the other one, wish that they weren’t together. Or those moments were the other person thought they looked their worst they closed their eyes and thanked God that they belonged to them.

I was longing for sure. I was married for 14 years. engaged for a bit. I always wanted that 25 years with someone. That I could look at them  and say I spent more of my life with you and I wouldn’t change it.  That you have tears running down your eyes because you know God kept you together. She could have quit but stayed. Funds were low and debts were high and she just sighed. When you didn’t understand menopause but kept saying I love you. When nothing felt more right than holding her hand on a walk, or in the movies and knowing that you did something for her that nobody else knows just you two.

So service was over I tapped the man on the shoulder. I know weird question but how long have you been married. 31 years he said. I said thank you. I was watching I’ve always wanted what you have. She looked at me and said we’ve never heard that but its been the best 31 years of my life. Neither quit, never stopped loving, We all know the hell of relationships and 31 years later.

I envy those people and anyone else who fought and didn’t quit. Even when everything said too. The best 31 years of my life. I think and pray for that. I had always hoped for 25 years. Now I’m further along in life it could happen. No matter what happens I believe in true, never quit love. Society says no. I believe in hopeless romantics, love everlasting, a hug that lasts for minutes and the world stops, a piece of paper saying you have a nice butt still, I still hope for my 25 years. In the meantime I’ll continue watching and asking those that do it to fill my hope tank.

Happy Easter and Love you





Day 1142 The Sony Walkman

21 03 2016

After 9 days without my kids I got them back, They got to go to Disneyworld with their mom. I’ve never have missed them so much. They had so much fun with lots of stories but I’m glad their back.  Spent some time with Rock Bottom outreach to this weekend. We gave back tot he homeless. It’s always great to get a different perspective on life and see that sometimes things happen that put us in places that we never expected to be.

Yesterday my amazing nephew celebrated his 12th birthday at Main Event. He had 4-5 friends there and family. It was his first birthday without my mom around you could tell her presence was missing. It took me back to a place for no reason on my 15th birthday. My nephew was spoiled for  sure. With food, presents and love. He got gifts and just kept opening them.  I know he liked them but like most kids now there spoiled. they have no idea how great they have it but hopefully we can teach them to be appreciative. I didn’t have a choice. My dad had lost job and became disable. My parents were doing everything to hang on to the house and cars and truthfully money was non-existent. We struggled in so many ways but my mom made sure nobody knew but I knew. I got to the point that I didn’t ask or even think about things anymore because I didn’t want to take anything from my family. I remember before football started my freshman I wanted a sony walkman. For those that didn’t know back then that was a tape cassette player that used headphones.  It was a way to escape the world and nobody else had to hear what you were listening to. It was so advanced and cool. I wanted one to lose myself before football games and also get pumped up. My mom actually asked one day at the store if I wanted something like this when we walked by it. I said I would love it but please don’t worry about it. That was the last  time I thought about it,that was in the month of August. My birthday is in October and I truly didn’t ask for anything or expect anything. I just knew our struggles were horrible and I was okay with just getting a card and happy birthdays at school.

The night of my birthday I got home and there was a cake. Birthdays cake is my favorite desert in the world. It said a happy birthday to number 72 the best son any parents could ask for. It made me cry because I knew that a cake was not in the budget but as usual my mom pulled off the miracle. The card was so heartfelt with messages from my mom, dad, and my little sister even signed it.  I started cutting the cake and looked up and my mom slide a wrapped box across the table. She said open it. I said mom why did you do this. It’s okay son you deserve this. I opened it up and it was my sony walkman. I couldn’t do anything except cry. I knew our struggles, I knew that 40  bucks was like a 1000. I hugged them both so much and I remember my dad said you better let your mom know more than me.

It didn’t dawn on me until later what my mom did. She sold a piece of her jewelry to get my walkman, card and cake. I had a conversation with her in my late 20’s and asked how she did it. She kept avoiding the question. She finally said I sold my purple ring and I would have sold everything to get you and your sister whatever you wanted. I hugged her, kissed and went to my car and shed a few tears. Knowing the sacrifice she made was unbelievable.  AS I sat there watching my nephew I thought about that walkman and my mom. I miss her more than words can explain but her memory, and spirit will run through me forever. I still have that walkman in a box in a storage unit in my hometown. I bet all I need is a battery and my old rap tapes to show people how appreciative I was.  Thanks for a walk in my past.

Source: Day 1142 The Sony Walkman





Day 1142 The Sony Walkman

20 03 2016

After 9 days without my kids I go them back, They got to go to Disney with their mom. I never have missed them so much. They had so much fun with lots of stories but I’m glad their back.  Spent some time with Rock Bottom outreach to this weekend. We gave back tot he homeless. It’s always great to get a different perspective on life and see that sometimes things happen that put us in places that we never expected to be.

Yesterday my amazing nephew celebrated his 12th birthday at Main Event. He had 4-5 friends there and family. It was his first birthday without my mom around you could tell her presence was missing. It took me back to a place for no reason on my 15th birthday. My nephew was spoiled for  sure. With food, presents and love. He got gifts and just kept opening them.  I know he liked them but like most kids now there spoiled. they have no idea how great they have it but hopefully we can teach them to be appreciative. I didn’t have a choice. My dad had lost job and became disable. My parents were doing everything to hang on to the house and cars and truthfully money was non-existent. We struggled in so many ways but my mom made sure nobody knew but I knew. I got to the point that I didn’t ask or even think about things anymore because I didn’t want to take anything from my family. I remember before football started my freshman I wanted a sony walkman. For those that didn’t know back then that was a tape cassette player that used headphones.  It was a way to escape the world and nobody else had to hear what you were listening to. It was so advanced and cool. I wanted one to lose myself before football games and also get pumped up. My mom actually asked one day at the store if I wanted something like this when we walked by it. I said I would love it but please don’t worry about it. That was the last  time I thought about it this was in the month of August. My birthday is in October and I truly didn’t ask for anything or expect anything. I just knew our struggles were horrible and I was okay with just getting a card and happy birthdays at school.

The night of my birthday I got home and there was a cake. Birthdays cake is my favorite desert in the world. It said a happy birthday to number 72 the best son any parents could ask for. It made me cry because I knew that a cake was not in the budget but as usual my mom pulled off the miracle. The card was so heartfelt with messages from my mom, dad, and my little sister even signed it.  I started cutting the cake and looked up and my mom slide a wrapped box across the table. She said open it. I said mom why did you do this. It’s okay son you deserve this. I opened it up and it was my sony walkman. I couldn’t do anything except cry. I knew our struggles, I knew that 40  bucks was like a 1000. I hugged them both so much and I remember my dad said you better let your mom know more than me.

It didn’t dawn on me until later what my mom did. She sold a piece of her jewelry to get my walkman, card and cake. I had a conversation with her in my late 20’s and asked how she did it. She kept avoiding the question. She finally said I sold my purple ring and I would have sold everything to get you and your sister whatever you wanted. I hugged her, kissed and went to my car and shed a few tears. Knowing the sacrifice she made was unbelievable.  AS I sat there watching my nephew I thought about that walkman and my mom. I miss her more than words can explain but her memory, and spirit will run through me forever. I still have that walkman in a box in a storage unit in my hometown. I bet all I need is a battery and my old rap tapes to show people how appreciative I was.  Thanks for a walk in my past.





Day 958 My son cried on his birthday

11 09 2015

When you’re a parent the moments you think wow I did a good job are few and far between. I’ve  always been super hard on myself and now I’ve learned to be humble I rarely say anything good about me. Its just feels weird. Most of my close friends would tell you that I should try to give myself a bit of credit. Well  I spent years of taking from life it’s just better to give back and be quite. I have learned though its good to give God what he deserves so here is one of those moments.

B birthday 1 B birthday 2 B birthday 3

yesterday my son turned 7. I remember that we found out we were pregnant it was one of the toughest times in my life. I never appreciated him the way I should. I had lost my dad a few years before, I had just kicked my best friend out of my life and I was a mess with a capital M. I was excited that he was coming but I was like oh no another kid to screw up, I hope he doesn’t become me, what do I teach him. Will he see through my crap, and  a laundry list of other stuff that was just a bunch of lies. I truly have forgotten many of his early years I was so self-absorbed in me. I have pictures that help remind me but really that’s it. If you follow my blog you know the day I attempted suicide that when I got home I made a promise to be the best father I could be and would become.  So to get on to yesterday: I spoiled him no doubt but that’s my job, parent, teach, and spoil, rinse and repeat. My family came up they spoiled him too and he got Pokeman cards, wrestling cards, a football, a wrestler, cloths, legos, a video game and Disney Infinity Three with the Yoda figurine for the game. I would explain Infinity but just google it. It’s a video game system. We went through all the presents and saved the Infinity system for last because that’s wheat he wanted the most. I teased him and told him that he had too much other stuff so he didn’t get Infinity and we just needed to be grateful. ( I only did that because my parents did it to me). We get to last 2 presents and he opens the figure then I think he realized the next present was the infinity system. He yelled Oh my Gosh daddy then he comes over and gives me the tightest hug he has ever given me. If you see the pictures above. He started crying  while hugging me and said: Daddy I didn’t deserve all of this, your such a good daddy. He cried for at least three minutes. I told him how proud I was of him, that he did deserve it, that I was thankful to be his daddy, and he was an amazing little boy. I just held him because I didn’t want that moment to end. If you see the other pics the football he smiled and the other pic shows the tears in his eyes with his Infinity.

When something like that happens I can look at all the bad I had done in my past or I can look at the here and now. My amazing family, my beautiful loving teenage daughter and my son. That was so humbled at 7 that he said that he didn’t deserve the gift and he’s sensitive enough to know its okay to cry in front of others. No matter my mistakes who I am today is what matters. The past helped shape me but my today is what makes me. I know when I pray everyday for my kids and ask God to give me wisdom. He has heard my prayers and now allows me to speak the correct words and not mine.  So yes I’m giving myself credit today. The most important job for a man is to raise his kids. If I or we don’t the world will and that leads to Rock Bottom.
To the smartest, funniest, most loving, hugging, wittiest boy I know, I love you Brayden Wood. Big thank you to my sister for snapping the photos and caring so much for us.





Day 958 My son cried on his birthday

10 09 2015

When you’re a parent the moments you think wow I did a good job are few and far between. I’ve  always been super hard on myself and now I’ve learned to be humble I rarely say anything good about me. Its just feels weird. Most of my close friends would tell you that I should try to give myself a bit of credit. Well  I spent years of taking from life it’s just better to give back and be quite. I have learned though its good to give God what he deserves so here is one of those moments.

B birthday 1 B birthday 2 B birthday 3

yesterday my son turned 7. I remember that we found out we were pregnant it was one of the toughest times in my life. I never appreciated him the way I should. I had lost my dad a few years before, I had just kicked my best friend out of my life and I was a mess with a capital M. I was excited that he was coming but I was like oh no another kid to screw up, I hope he doesn’t become me, what do I teach him. Will he see through my crap, and  a laundry list of other stuff that was just a bunch of lies. I truly have forgotten many of his early years I was so self-absorbed in me. I have pictures that help remind me but really that’s it. If you follow my blog you know the day I attempted suicide that when I got home I made a promise to be the best father I could be and would become.  So to get on to yesterday: I spoiled him no doubt but that’s my job, parent, teach, and spoil, rinse and repeat. My family came up they spoiled him too and he got Pokeman cards, wrestling cards, a football, a wrestler, cloths, legos, a video game and Disney Infinity Three with the Yoda figurine for the game. I would explain Infinity but just google it. It’s a video game system. We went through all the presents and saved the Infinity system for last because that’s wheat he wanted the most. I teased him and told him that he had too much other stuff so he didn’t get Infinity and we just needed to be grateful. ( I only did that because my parents did it to me). We get to last 2 presents and he opens the figure then I think he realized the next present was the infinity system. He yelled Oh my Gosh daddy then he comes over and gives me the tightest hug he has ever given me. If you see the pictures above. He started crying  while hugging me and said: Daddy I didn’t deserve all of this, your such a good daddy. He cried for at least three minutes. I told him how proud I was of him, that he did deserve it, that I was thankful to be his daddy, and he was an amazing little boy. I just held him because I didn’t want that moment to end. If you see the other pics the football he smiled and the other pic shows the tears in his eyes with his Infinity.

When something like that happens I can look at all the bad I had done in my past or I can look at the here and now. My amazing family, my beautiful loving teenage daughter and my son. That was so humbled at 7 that he said that he didn’t deserve the gift and he’s sensitive enough to know its okay to cry in front of others. No matter my mistakes who I am today is what matters. The past helped shape me but my today is what makes me. I know when I pray everyday for my kids and ask God to give me wisdom. He has heard my prayers and now allows me to speak the correct words and not mine.  So yes I’m giving myself credit today. The most important job for a man is to raise his kids. If I or we don’t the world will and that leads to Rock Bottom.
To the smartest, funniest, most loving, hugging, wittiest boy I know, I love you Brayden Wood. Big thank you to my sister for snapping the photos and caring so much for us.





Day 860 This is how I know God is real

5 06 2015

My babies  go home tomorrow but I got to spend the last week of school with them. I will have an 8th grader and a 1st grader next year. it’s passed so quick but I couldn’t be more thankful where we are in our life. Here’s to everyone having a great summer with sunburns and late nights.

February 29th 2008 (yes a leap year) the beginning of the end of a friendship. My partner in crime since 1997 who I had done everything with and that means everything. We had laughed , cried, done things to other humans that was just flat wrong but mostly what we had was trust. Back in 2003 we started a business together and we said nothing would come in the way of our friendship. Little did we know that we had put God on the back burner and we let pride, ego, fame, glory and the almighty dollar come between us and everything that mattered. We had built our families together, we shared deep dark secrets and created our own. We worked 90 hours a week, never had  priorities straight, we neglected those closest to us and we slowing then quickly  started hating everything about each other. When we had a chance to verbally hurt the other, we did, when we should have stood up for each other, we didn’t, and when both of us were unraveling we let the other unravel and took joy in it happening. So February 29th 2008 we parted ways and that part was to never speak to each other again. I’m not sure we knew at that time but that was the last time we spoke for almost 4 years. In that time frame I actually thought seriously of how I would run him over in a parking lot, beat him with a brick, or find someway to inflict the most pain I possibly could. After talking with him the thought was mutual. To think of someone who you would do anything for that you would do anything to hurt them shows just how to people can derail so far in life.

When life takes it all from you and you have no others way to go but up you start in the hell of getting better or the hell of staying the same. I had heard he had got serious about God and I was at the point of not giving a crap about God. There were times that I would think man Jim would get that joke or I wish I could just be myself around someone. One month before I officially found out my marriage was in trouble I saw a post on Facebook that Jim’s youngest son was deaf. I felt like that this was my window to reach out so I did. I just sent him a message and asked if their was anything we could. He asked if we could meet up in Dallas. So much of me wanted to say yes but I wanted to say no. In July 2011 we met at the Spring Creek barbecue in Dallas. When we met each other at the door we hugged like we had both just been brought back from the dead.. We looked at each other and said whats done is done. Lets move  forward. When my life hit the skids guess who was there it was Jim and his family. When I wanted to quit he wouldn’t allow it, when I wanted to give up it was I don’t think so. When I cried I cried to him. In turn I was able to help him heal and talk about things that he never had but was finally able to be himself. The relationship  was what I had always hoped it would be.  Things have only gotten better. there has never been a feeling of animosity or hate or disgust about our paths.

How do I know God is real: Today we made it official and proof that God allows people to change and forgive if you want it to be God’s will and not yours. I went to work for Jim today as his General Manager. We were humbled and because of that some truly amazing doors are open. I love my buddy Jim and without a shadow of a doubt I know that until my last breath I have what God wants is that Level 10 friend that I would die and he for me. From wanting to kill someone to dying to make sure he and his family are taken care of is what God is all about. If you follow God’s will not your own Just remember Jeremiah 29:11








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