Day 907 I blew it Saturday

21 07 2015

On Friday night my buddy Jim and I went to a concert with the bands of Pennywise and Danzig. I had made a promise to myself that if Danzig came back to Dallas I would see them. They were my band I used to get my blood flowing before any sports or other blood flowing event needed. Needless to say they didn’t let us down. We also participated in the mosh pit. I had so much fun but boy my body was not a happy camper the next day. It’s good to remember that you still have it at almost 40 but you only have it for a day. Ha ha

If you know me at all you know I’m real, not judgmental and try real hard to live a good God-fearing life. You also know I still struggle and sometimes do some really idiotic things. Most of the stupid things I do are fear based and have nothing to do with the way God sees me but the way I feel and look at myself based on the past me. Its start with a real dumb thought and the next thing you know I’m burning down my life. Then I just pray the next day I wake up and I’ve snapped out of it. Saturday night hanging out with my buddy J. and he said something that stirred a feeling about how my trust in people or lack there of comes from ex marriage. It really made me think that man I thought I had come further than that. He was right though but it kept stirring and truthfully pissed me off Not at him but me. as the night went on I acted like I was okay and I wasn’t. We then went to another venue and ran into a friend that I love to death. Heard a story about how he was doing and it made me hurt for him so much. I got actually upset at that point that I was visually and verbally losing my temper. I was having a conversation and prayed God would settle my heart down but to avail. ( I know I’m leaving out details but I have some cleaning up of what I did so I won’t mention names). I wont apologize for what I said but I will apologize for what I did. We actually got into a physical altercation in the parking . It was truly all my fault. I should have walked away but I didn’t. It was the first time in 4 years I lost my head. I know my temper and have done great keeping me under wraps. All as I can say is I’m sorry to my buddy but not sure that will work. I’m still waiting!

So where did it come from: It came from the parts of me that made me think that my opinion or thoughts didn’t matter, I wasn’t important, that maybe I wasn’t who I thought I was. Sunday I drove to Waco so I had sometime to process and clear my head. The devil is real and if you don’t always keep your guard up Satan walks in and attacks everything he knows that you fear. He can kill so much inside you and Saturday night Devil 1- Tyler-0. I’m so embarrassed by my actions but after much thought it’s another on my list of actions that I will get to the bottom of and grow from. God never said don’t sin , he asked us to be convicted of them. Here I am raising both hands knowing full well its a mistake and that won’t happen again as long as I follow his path and not mine. Sometimes the ones that are perceived to be the strongest get the least support because people believe they don’t need it. I for one accept any and all support because I can’t do this by myself.  I blew it Saturday so here’s to being the man I am not the one I used to be. Thanks!!





Day 881 This is really hard sometimes

25 06 2015

My buddy Jim and I went to the Texas Rangers game last night for dollar hot-dog night. I was so pumped to eat so many hot dogs I threw up. Well I’m sad to report that I ate 3. Yep only three it’s just a sign Im getting old and hot dog are not what I imagined them to be. Rangers lost 8-2 and I laughed a bunch and that’s all that matters..

I can speak for the people close to me and my family within Rock Bottom life is a journey. Some of it has been simply amazing, the day I was married, the day my daughter and son were laid in my arms the first time, the day I got my first job out of college, when my dad said he was proud of me, when my daughter said I could stop apologizing and she was proud of me. Those are just a few of the great moments in my life but like I said its a journey. I spent more of my life in the valley, grabbing a hold of rocks and slipping down the hill, left in my own tears, watching them lower my father into the ground, telling my kids we were getting a divorce, finding out my mom had Parkinson’s, walking out of the courthouse the day of my divorce, pulling up to the hill in Aubrey Texas to take my life. I would go back further but not to bore you. Many days I wake up having no clue what I’m doing or why I’m doing it. I just trust that I’m hearing God right and let him guide me because when I followed my own way I feel into a pit and sometimes I do still. Sometimes when I hot publish on this blog, I know my trolls are about to attack. I know when I speak or post on my Facebook page Im going to get good and bad. When I speak on the radio some person is not going to agree and the verbal and personal jabs are going to hurt. Then comes yesterday!

I posted the following yesterday: Show a man his failures without Jesus, and the result will be found in a roadside gutter. Give a man religion without reminding him of his filth, and the result will be arrogance in a three-piece suit. But get the two in the same heart – get sin to meet Savior and Savior to meet sin – and the result might just be another Pharisee turned preacher who sets the world on fire.
Max Lucado
Romans 10:9-10 (NASU)
That if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation.

Two people who I have been friends with over 30 years began an onslaught of things from my past: You’re a lying fool, I remember when you pulled a gun, when you passed drugs to someone, when you beat up that guy, etc.. He pulled all my past and then stated your “Jesus” didn’t save your marriage  or the things that went with it, like your dad, your business etc.. He said I listened to your radio show on Monday and just laughed you and everyone with Rock bottom are just a bunch of attention seeking whores that are just going to hurt more than you help. I didn’t say much more than you must be trying to find something because you listened to the show and you follow me closer than most. I said I all I can do is pray for you and love. He said no need I wont be a part of your crap anymore. 30 minutes later A girl I “dated” on and off for 2 years from high school to college texted me and I got the same words essentially.  She left me these words do remember what you did to me how many more did it happen to or now. It’s like they were talking over coffee and said let’s get this SOB. That they did!

So what did it do? It made me question me more than I ever have. Yes I know it’s not the truth and its two broken people trying to attack someone in a place they can’t be right now. Very true they know my past garbage but I’m not that man anymore. I know Im not perfect and Im not trying to be. God didn’t say don’t sin, he said confess your sins. Rick with Rock bottom and I talk often how we are held to a standard of perfection and we will never be able to do that. When we don’t I promise I beat myself up enough. I am convicted now and that’s better than I ever was. Jesus walked the earth and was lied about, ridicule, and eventually they beat the crap out of him , poked holes in his body and hung him to die. So why would I think I should be treated any different? I don’t, it’s just really hard sometimes when your trying to live your life right and then you get beaten down so bad.

I know what I signed up for. I would never change any of it. I wish I could make everyone I know that I hurt that I was sorry and they believed it but that’s not on me. I have said all I can say. I ask you this: If you have people in your life that are trying to better themselves please stop beating them over the head with their past. They know much better than you how they screwed up. Give them a chance to show you and listen to them be Jesus to you because it maybe the only Jesus you see in an earthly form. If what they are saying to you indirectly or directly is affecting you it might be time to listen.

Please don’t feel sorry for me I have enough warriors on my side to get me through my journey but if this bothers you and it upsets you, I always have room for more on my journey…





Day 731 Drunk enough to feel

27 01 2015

80 Degrees in Texas in January. Yep its the joys of being a Texan. Saturday we will need a coat but today sun tan lotion. The top of my head looks better with a tan anyway.

I don’t drink a lot anymore. I might drink twice a month. I’m pretty comfortable with who I am and don’t need to escape or have liquid courage to accomplish a night of fun but.. Saturday night was a different story. I went  to my aunts wedding reception and saw family I hadn’t seen in a while. I wasn’t going to go but my mom asked and I wanted to support my aunt. I kept looking at my watch  hoping the time would pass quicker but like all time it doesn’t pass when you want it to. I couldn’t stand the questions of when are you going to have a girlfriend, do you want to get remarried, just the long list of questions you get when you older and single.

I went and hung out with one of my buddies and had about a 45 minute drive there. I have demons and I kick their ass most days. The one demon that gets me the most is loneliness. AS I made the drive my mind wander over to the wrong lane and started feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to escape my mind for a bit but didn’t know what to do. I meet up with my buddy in this hole in the place. I enjoyed his company but my mind wouldn’t stop. Two drinks lead to 2 shots and you know how it goes. In my past i could get drunk enough not to feel anything which is where I was going I hoped. This time though I only got to the point I could feel things I didn’t want to. I felt my loneliness, my fear and my lack of faith in God in many things. I wanted for just a little while to get my mind to stop because I didn’t believe God could do it for me at that time.

I’m sure you’re wondering why is he telling us this! I’m not going to apologize  for being human but I am sorry for not following my own advice. People always say man you got it together. Sure if you want to believe that you can but Im just like you. I just have different convictions  than before so I can bounce back a little quicker. If you take your focus on God, isolate yourself and believe you can figure it all out you could be in a horrible place that you thought left a long time ago. I made it home but before I did I stopped on a pretty dark empty place on 35 in Ponder Texas got out of the car and screamed at the top of my lungs. Ironic thing its the same place when I was 20 years old I woke up so drunk I busted through the fence and had passed out. After screaming like I was in a Hollywood horror flick I need to remember that spot from almost 20 years earlier and thanked God for bringing me to where I was now. It’s funny how if you need a reminder God can always show you something you don’t want but need to see.

I write this for me to go back read and remember but for you too. You are okay and you’re not alone.You are not your past, the feelings you have do not justify you and if you fall of the horse get back up. Love you!





Day 51 Kill your heart

20 02 2013

You know whats great about getting old. Hair in places that’s not supposed to be, you have a great workout and then about 30 minutes later your body has lost its pump. Or you lactose intolerant. Well its fun to get old. stupid body!

You remember when you heard the saying the first time that it pierced my heart. We all find it different ways and usually its very hurtful and sometimes destruction. If you haven’t ever heard of John Eldredge and his Ransom Heart ministry I can tell you he helped me back on the road dealing with my father and relationships. In his book Sacred Romance he has this saying that I think we can all relate to:

At some point we all face the same decision—what will we do with the Arrows we’ve known? Maybe a better way to say it is, what have they tempted us to do? However they come to us, whether through a loss we experience as abandonment or some deep violation we feel as abuse, their message is always the same: Kill your heart. Divorce it, neglect it, run from it, or indulge it with some anesthetic (our various addictions). Think of how you’ve handled the affliction that has pierced your own heart. How did the Arrows come to you? Where did they land? Are they still there? What have you done as a result?

To say we all face a decision when we’re pierced by an Arrow is misleading. It makes the process sound so rational, as though we have the option of coolly assessing the situation and choosing a logical response. Life isn’t like that—the heart cannot be managed in a detached sort of way (certainly not when we are young, when some of the most defining Arrows strike). It feels more like an ambush, and our response is at a gut level. We may never put words to it. Our deepest convictions are formed without conscious effort, but the effect is a shift deep in our soul. Commitments form never to be in that position again, never to know that sort of pain again. The result is an approach to life that we often call our personality. If you’ll listen carefully to your life, you may begin to see how it has been shaped by the unique Arrows you’ve known and the particular convictions you’ve embraced as a result. The Arrows also taint and partially direct even our spiritual life.

Just reading that today stuck with me and reminded me how easy it was to kill my heart. What are your arrows have you ever dealt  with them?








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