Day 1017 Why depression has me now

10 11 2015

Im sorry for not blogging much lately which I will explain later. Thank you for those that have checked in on me. My family has depression that goes back at least two generations on each side. It’s hard to say it won’t happen to you until it does. Well welcome to my now and I’m not writing so you worry I’m just writing so you hopefully understand and will check on your friends and family. Life has plenty of ups and downs and the blues or sadness comes from that for sure but when you have depression sometimes there’s no reason. Here is definition:Sadness or downswings in mood are normal reactions to life’s struggles, setbacks, and disappointments. Many people use the word “depression” to explain these kinds of feelings, but depression is much more than just sadness.Some people describe depression as “living in a black hole” or having a feeling of impending doom. However, some depressed people don’t feel sad at all—they may feel lifeless, empty, and apathetic, or men in particular may even feel angry, aggressive, and restless.So here I am with really no good reason to be depressed. My life is pretty good and here I am though. I’m making it through the day by coaching my self up. I’ve been here before and now that I know what it is i know I have to get it under control or the mind spirals out of control. I feel lifeless, empty at times and then in turn that makes me mad or angry. People who have never dealt with depression will tell you, just suck it up or my Christian friends you’ve allowed the devil in your life just pray it away. I sigh and want to smack them. Thats not the way it works. It’s a chemical imbalance in the brain and you have to help it. I went to the Dr last week and about to make the most about-face medical changes I have made in a while. I have to make changes to medications and change the way I eat. I also can’t isolate or stop living my life. Its a huge damper from where I’ve been to where Im at. Its frustrating, confusing and just stupid to feel this way but I do.This time of year is hard for so many people, especially the ones that put on a great show for you then go and hide inside themselves away from you. For me please keep praying I need all I can get but also look at your friends, ask questions. I know God can do anything but if I just sit here and do nothing, nothing is what I will get. Remember people who fight depression don’t want to feel this way and you can’t just snap your fingers and make it go away.

Source: Day 1017 Why depression has me now

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Day 1017 Why depression has me now

9 11 2015

Im sorry for not blogging much lately which I will explain later. Thank you for those that have checked in on me.  My family has depression that goes back at least two generations on each side. It’s hard to say it won’t happen to you until it does. Well welcome to my now and I’m not writing so you worry I’m just writing so you hopefully understand and will check on your friends and family. Life has plenty of ups and downs and the blues or sadness comes from that for sure but when you have depression sometimes there’s no reason. Here  is definition:

Sadness or downswings in mood are normal reactions to life’s struggles, setbacks, and disappointments. Many people use the word “depression” to explain these kinds of feelings, but depression is much more than just sadness.Some people describe depression as “living in a black hole” or having a feeling of impending doom. However, some depressed people don’t feel sad at all—they may feel lifeless, empty, and apathetic, or men in particular may even feel angry, aggressive, and restless.

So here I am with really no good reason to be depressed. My life is pretty good and here I am though. I’m making it through the day by coaching my self up. I’ve been here before and now that I know what it is i know I have to get it under control or the mind spirals out of control. I feel lifeless, empty at times and then in turn that makes me mad or angry. People who have never dealt with depression will tell you, just suck it up or my Christian friends you’ve allowed the devil in your life just pray it away. I sigh and want to smack them. Thats not the way it works. It’s a chemical imbalance in the brain and you have to help it. I went to the Dr last week and about to make the most about-face medical changes I have made in a while. I have to make changes to medications and change the way I eat.  I also can’t isolate or stop living my life. Its a huge damper from where I’ve been to where Im at. Its frustrating, confusing and just stupid to feel this way but I do.

This time of year is hard for so many people, especially the ones that put on a great show for you then go and hide inside themselves away from you. For me please keep praying I need all I can get but also look at your friends, ask questions. I know God can do anything but if I just sit here and do nothing, nothing is what I will get. Remember people who fight depression don’t want to feel this way and you can’t just snap your fingers and make it go away.





Day 839 Is this what its like to feel loved

15 05 2015

I know what God wants me doing. I know it, feel it and its a fulfilling feeling. I got lucky to hear God and he put me in touch with people who over 2 years brought me to Rock Bottom Outreach. There is no way in my normal life I would have ever been friends with these people just through my normal walk in life. Not only do I have these amazing people in my life but I’m also allowed to share my testimony. Some people say big deal does it matter, I couldn’t do it, why do you air your dirty laundry? For those that don’t know me God gave me a gift to lead, speak and be vulnerable. When he gives you something you run with it. For me I can and will get up in front of any and everybody to share from the moment I came into the world until where I stand now and tell you how I screwed up and my story or redemption not perfection. Why do I do it, why does Rock Bottom do it because we offer hope to the weak, weary, defeated, and the ones that are ready to end their life. We need it to as a part of our journey in healing. Last night was another amazing example of when I doubt what were doing and what I’m doing that God shows up and shows out.

We spoke to a group of youth and adults in Springtown Texas at Hilltop church. When I walked in your could feel the need and I was ready. I was very emotional last night and have no idea why and asked to go last. If I wouldn’t have I would have cried my the whole time but I went last and made it. The our team rocked it with Power testimonies which each of us gets 3 minutes. Its quick but you can through a lot of life in when you’re hitting the high notes. I talk about suicide in my message. I understand it and lived. I know what its like to feel worthless, unworthy, that everything you touch turns to garbage, that life will never get better. I also know that’s a lie from the pits of hell. I tried to end my life but I got lucky and now its my turn to share and change lives. After Rock Bottom and the message we get to stay around and talk to whoever wants to talk to us. The tough part about suicide is talking about it one on one and feeling someone elses pain. Two 7th grade girls approached me and said can I talk to you about suicide. I listened intently and inside I’m dying for them. I wont tell the whole story of both but I spoke some real talk to her and then talked to the adult leadership how to help her. Sure there was teenage drama to her talk but she was serious and then the there are moments that leave you speechless. I gave both girls hugs and one girl looked at me and said is that what its like to feel loved. I stepped back and I guess she saw the confusion on my face and said the hug you just gave me. I said I hope so sweetie.  I walked away with tears running down my eyes and said thank you God. Me being open and showing I care for this girl maybe for the first time in her life felt loved.

I got in my car and said no matter what I have screwed up in my life Jesus was like carry on my good and faithful son you’re doing my work and I love you!! Thanks for reading!!





Day 839 Is this what its like to feel loved

14 05 2015

I know what God wants me doing. I know it, feel it and its a fulfilling feeling. I got lucky to hear God and he put me in touch with people who over 2 years brought me to Rock Bottom Outreach. There is no way in my normal life I would have ever been friends with these people just through my normal walk in life. Not only do I have these amazing people in my life but I’m also allowed to share my testimony. Some people say big deal does it matter, I couldn’t do it, why do you air your dirty laundry? For those that don’t know me God gave me a gift to lead, speak and be vulnerable. When he gives you something you run with it. For me I can and will get up in front of any and everybody to share from the moment I came into the world until where I stand now and tell you how I screwed up and my story or redemption not perfection. Why do I do it, why does Rock Bottom do it because we offer hope to the weak, weary, defeated, and the ones that are ready to end their life. We need it to as a part of our journey in healing. Last night was another amazing example of when I doubt what were doing and what I’m doing that God shows up and shows out.

We spoke to a group of youth and adults in Springtown Texas at Hilltop church. When I walked in your could feel the need and I was ready. I was very emotional last night and have no idea why and asked to go last. If I wouldn’t have I would have cried my the whole time but I went last and made it. The our team rocked it with Power testimonies which each of us gets 3 minutes. Its quick but you can through a lot of life in when you’re hitting the high notes. I talk about suicide in my message. I understand it and lived. I know what its like to feel worthless, unworthy, that everything you touch turns to garbage, that life will never get better. I also know that’s a lie from the pits of hell. I tried to end my life but I got lucky and now its my turn to share and change lives. After Rock Bottom and the message we get to stay around and talk to whoever wants to talk to us. The tough part about suicide is talking about it one on one and feeling someone elses pain. Two 7th grade girls approached me and said can I talk to you about suicide. I listened intently and inside I’m dying for them. I wont tell the whole story of both but I spoke some real talk to her and then talked to the adult leadership how to help her. Sure there was teenage drama to her talk but she was serious and then the there are moments that leave you speechless. I gave both girls hugs and one girl looked at me and said is that what its like to feel loved. I stepped back and I guess she saw the confusion on my face and said the hug you just gave me. I said I hope so sweetie.  I walked away with tears running down my eyes and said thank you God. Me being open and showing I care for this girl maybe for the first time in her life felt loved.

I got in my car and said no matter what I have screwed up in my life Jesus was like carry on my good and faithful son you’re doing my work and I love you!! Thanks for reading!!





Day 816 I don’t know

22 04 2015

Many of the seasons I have learned in the last 4 years is how to keep my mouth shut. I’m still not great at it but I promise I try so hard.  We as men have always been raised to fix it, have all the answers and we when we didn’t our worth as a man was shattered.

My past life I always had the answers all of them from God himself to how to plant a garden which I had never done. You asked a question either I had studied it or made it up because I wanted you to think how great, how smart, how worldly I was. In my business I would even walk away and say wow that was some pretty good made up crap!! Never in my life would I say I don’t know let me go find the answer. First of all I would never have asked for help and second I wouldn’t look vulnerable. If another men thinks you don’t know something and he does well he’ll get the last laugh. You also would never not have the answer in front of a woman. I had a great God complex because I thought I had to or did know everything. I remember once I literally went and threw a brick at a house were  working on because I gave the wrong answer. I was so arrogant I thought I had to know everything. I was a control freak and that’s what we do. We control and know everything. Funny thing is we don’t know anything and can barely control our bowels..

In the past year especially I don’t want to know everything it takes too much energy. If I’m the smartest man in the room I need to go to another room. If I don’t have the answer or if you need it now google it otherwise I truly don’t care. I’m no longer a control freak or care to be. There are plenty of other people to care that torch. The best words that I have uttered the last year of my life are I love you and I don’t know. I walk away in either situation with a full heart and empty mind.

Today was my 6th week of counseling and about 20 minutes in I wondered why I came today. Then my counselor Brian started pouring some things on me. We have the back and forth counseling role going lol. I listened more than I spoke today and all I kept saying to myself was I don’t know. About 5 minutes before we closed I looked at Brian and said I don’t know. I have no idea how to get over this hump I was in. I don’t know and I started crying. I was overcoming with emotions and I had didn’t know why, how or what the heck I was crying for or felt rudderless.  I told Brian that the past six weeks and been the crappiest 6 weeks in a long time. we paused for about 30 secs and it felt like an hour and Brian said can we pray. I just nodded. He started and said I know this is going to make Tyler more upset but the past 6 weeks was the best six weeks I had with him. Then theses words hit me like a ton of bricks If Tyler can’t make it and figure out this world then we are all screwed. We got up and hugged each other and then with a big smile said what do I owe you for this session. ………….

I’m not sure why I wrote this today except my head and heart were about to explode and I needed to get it off my chest. Is there a lesson? Yes for me “I don’t know” is okay and in the confusion of I don’t know  and my tears maybe was the answer I have been searching for. I have the answers and they are sitting with me everywhere I go. If I choose to believe in me and trust I lose the I don’t know.





Day 816 I don’t know

21 04 2015

Many of the seasons I have learned in the last 4 years is how to keep my mouth shut. I’m still not great at it but I promise I try so hard.  We as men have always been raised to fix it, have all the answers and we when we didn’t our worth as a man was shattered.

My past life I always had the answers all of them from God himself to how to plant a garden which I had never done. You asked a question either I had studied it or made it up because I wanted you to think how great, how smart, how worldly I was. In my business I would even walk away and say wow that was some pretty good made up crap!! Never in my life would I say I don’t know let me go find the answer. First of all I would never have asked for help and second I wouldn’t look vulnerable. If another men thinks you don’t know something and he does well he’ll get the last laugh. You also would never not have the answer in front of a woman. I had a great God complex because I thought I had to or did know everything. I remember once I literally went and threw a brick at a house were  working on because I gave the wrong answer. I was so arrogant I thought I had to know everything. I was a control freak and that’s what we do. We control and know everything. Funny thing is we don’t know anything and can barely control our bowels..

In the past year especially I don’t want to know everything it takes too much energy. If I’m the smartest man in the room I need to go to another room. If I don’t have the answer or if you need it now google it otherwise I truly don’t care. I’m no longer a control freak or care to be. There are plenty of other people to care that torch. The best words that I have uttered the last year of my life are I love you and I don’t know. I walk away in either situation with a full heart and empty mind.

Today was my 6th week of counseling and about 20 minutes in I wondered why I came today. Then my counselor Brian started pouring some things on me. We have the back and forth counseling role going lol. I listened more than I spoke today and all I kept saying to myself was I don’t know. About 5 minutes before we closed I looked at Brian and said I don’t know. I have no idea how to get over this hump I was in. I don’t know and I started crying. I was overcoming with emotions and I had didn’t know why, how or what the heck I was crying for or felt rudderless.  I told Brian that the past six weeks and been the crappiest 6 weeks in a long time. we paused for about 30 secs and it felt like an hour and Brian said can we pray. I just nodded. He started and said I know this is going to make Tyler more upset but the past 6 weeks was the best six weeks I had with him. Then theses words hit me like a ton of bricks If Tyler can’t make it and figure out this world then we are all screwed. We got up and hugged each other and then with a big smile said what do I owe you for this session. ………….

I’m not sure why I wrote this today except my head and heart were about to explode and I needed to get it off my chest. Is there a lesson? Yes for me “I don’t know” is okay and in the confusion of I don’t know  and my tears maybe was the answer I have been searching for. I have the answers and they are sitting with me everywhere I go. If I choose to believe in me and trust I lose the I don’t know.





Day 552 I would have been a great disciple

4 08 2014

Another great weekend with my babies. We had a pool party, Chuck E cheese, (I can’t stand that place) and today we went to the Ringling Brothers circus. I’m amazed at how athletic and hard the stunts performed in the Circus. I must say I wanted a tiger to eat the trainer just for my benefit but it didn’t happen. We paid $16.00 for a sno-cone. I think my dad rolled over in his grave but its a one time thing.

I truly mean this after studying the disciples hat I would have been a great one. Jesus picked each of the apostles; none of them chose Jesus until he had first chosen them. Jesus didn’t choose them based on social status, intelligence, spiritual maturity or personalities. He chose them for his own reasons and for his own purposes. Even though Jesus chose the 12 disciples, they still had flaws and failings, just like everybody else; they weren’t more holy than anybody else was then, or is today. See I meet all of those requirements. So Ill continue:

Betrayal- Judas did a really good of betrayal when he laid the high priest to Jesus for 30 pieces of silver. I have betrayed a few people for money in my life not for Jesus but I bet back in the day it would have made sense somehow for me.

Unbelief: During Jesus’ ministry on earth, He performed many signs and miracles. Although the disciples witnessed the vast majority of these signs, they still had problems believing that Jesus Christ was the Son of God. The most notable doubter is the apostle Thomas. Thomas doubted throughout Jesus’ entire ministry; even when God raised Jesus from the dead, Thomas still needed more evidence. It wasn’t until he felt Jesus’ prior wounds, which had been inflicted upon him on the cross, that he fully believed in the Son of God. I was definitely and still a doubting Thomas many times.

Abandonment: Every apostle, except for John, abandoned Jesus during his capture, trial, flagellation and crucifixion. The disciples were all guilty of cowardice; although Jesus had told them about his future capture and execution, the disciples were still greatly afraid and unwilling to trust God. Jesus predicted on the Mount of Olives that this would happen. IM still doing this as of today!

Confusion: Throughout the four Gospel accounts, the disciples show themselves to be confused and misguided time and time again. An example of this is found in Matthew 16:22-23. This passage describes a conversation between Jesus and Peter, in which Peter rebukes Jesus for predicting his own death. Jesus then harshly rebukes Peter, telling him that he does not have his mind-set on the things of God, but on the things of man. It was only after Jesus’ death, resurrection and ascension into heaven that the disciples really began to show doctrinal clarity.

So why do I say this today: No matter how bad you think you are, what you have done,  Jesus chose people like you and I. He didn’t pick the “best”. But the fallen, the broken and the flawed. I would have been one of the best based on the criteria Jesus chose. Get out and be disciples because your story can change lives too.








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