Day 843 What we have here is a failure to communicate

19 05 2015

Once again I made myself so tired from the weekend that I feel asleep with a book in my hand last night. That crap of learning by osmosis isn’t working either. At least I look smart falling asleep.  I’m also pretty lucky because my family got to hear my testimony this weekend. Rock Bottom Outreach spoke at a church in Azle and everything just fell into place for them to be there. AS excited as I was I had no idea how they would respond. They cried and I know they understand me just a tad bit more. Needless to say Big Jesus showed up!

Sometimes I can be the greatest communicator on earth and other times not so much. I heard a speaker once say that once you stop asking questions, asking why, and assuming that you have started your trek to failure. I failed in my marriage because I thought I knew everything I needed to about her and our life and it started to show I didn’t care. I stopped asking. Assumption is poison. Why? How many times did you get mad at someone who didn’t ask you about something and you got mad. When you asked them why and they said I just thought I knew. I instill in my kids never assume because you will always be wrong. Why not ask and just save the pain?

Why because it hurts to hear the truth. It might be uncomfortable but if you can’t or don’t conflict arises and nobody likes conflict. Well mostly nobody! I have learned this more in the dating world. If you have a failure to communicate or won’t communicate I’m not the guy for you. I learned with hiding my junk it caused ripples which turned into waves. You don’t have to communicate and that’s okay but not for me. When I got real with God I got to see the true me but came to expect to see that in everybody else. It doesn’t happen that way. I want to see any and everything about you. Yes even that. I know your thinking he’s going to judge me. I try so hard not to judge but guess we all judge. No matter how hard we try. My first judging turns into appreciation that you shared. There is not a better compliment that I opened up to you because I feel I could talk to you about anything.

This blog may seem pointless and not very deep and I’m sorry it’s not more  but I think it has so much here in the few words I typed. If your hearing the great Cool Hand Luke in the back of your mind tell you “what we have here is a failure to communicate” then you have failure and its time to open that mouth and ask.

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Day 843 What we have here is a failure to communicate

18 05 2015

Once again I made myself so tired from the weekend that I feel asleep with a book in my hand last night. That crap of learning by osmosis isn’t working either. At least I look smart falling asleep.  I’m also pretty lucky because my family got to hear my testimony this weekend. Rock Bottom Outreach spoke at a church in Azle and everything just fell into place for them to be there. AS excited as I was I had no idea how they would respond. They cried and I know they understand me just a tad bit more. Needless to say Big Jesus showed up!

Sometimes I can be the greatest communicator on earth and other times not so much. I heard a speaker once say that once you stop asking questions, asking why, and assuming that you have started your trek to failure. I failed in my marriage because I thought I knew everything I needed to about her and our life and it started to show I didn’t care. I stopped asking. Assumption is poison. Why? How many times did you get mad at someone who didn’t ask you about something and you got mad. When you asked them why and they said I just thought I knew. I instill in my kids never assume because you will always be wrong. Why not ask and just save the pain?

Why because it hurts to hear the truth. It might be uncomfortable but if you can’t or don’t conflict arises and nobody likes conflict. Well mostly nobody! I have learned this more in the dating world. If you have a failure to communicate or won’t communicate I’m not the guy for you. I learned with hiding my junk it caused ripples which turned into waves. You don’t have to communicate and that’s okay but not for me. When I got real with God I got to see the true me but came to expect to see that in everybody else. It doesn’t happen that way. I want to see any and everything about you. Yes even that. I know your thinking he’s going to judge me. I try so hard not to judge but guess we all judge. No matter how hard we try. My first judging turns into appreciation that you shared. There is not a better compliment that I opened up to you because I feel I could talk to you about anything.

This blog may seem pointless and not very deep and I’m sorry it’s not more  but I think it has so much here in the few words I typed. If your hearing the great Cool Hand Luke in the back of your mind tell you “what we have here is a failure to communicate” then you have failure and its time to open that mouth and ask.

 

 





Day 764 Im good, Im okay

2 03 2015

We made it through Ice Armageddon 2015. It was  bad and we had 4 inches of snow. We made real snowman not made of grass and we made snow ice cream that wasn’t yellow.  I enjoy the snow but I swear people’s IQ drops 100 points. Its more dangerous of the idiots that wont drive right than the ones that don’t know how. Anyway here we are with spring around the corner. Bring on the heat!!!

We are taught to always let people now we are okay. Since we were children. If someone asks you’re doing great or okay. You could have been crying in the car but you were told to dry it up and act like you were okay. We take that into adult hood and no matter how much we want to reach out we get the question: How you doing? We always say I’m good, I’m okay. The answer infuriates me even when I know your not okay or good. Guess what I’m the worst at giving you the generic answer of I’m good and I’m okay. WHy do we do it!!

I have a few reasons. One people truly don’t care how you are. They ask because were supposed too. It becomes the customary thing to say. Have you ever told someone besides the customary answer and they freak out. Honestly I’m bad today and  They have no response. They just want to move on and hope that they never ask you again how you’re doing.

Reason two: We have no idea how were doing. We aren’t good, bad, we are lost in our thoughts. We want to tell you something but were hurting too much, we are just lost or we truly we don’t know. When I was getting divorced if you caught me at the right time I might cry on you and it was just safer

Reason three: You haven’t earned the right to know how I’m doing. I give you a generic answer because you haven’t put in on my life and honestly you’re not important enough to know how I’m doing. Since I know your asking because it’s the right thing to do not because you care I’ll reserve the right not to share. If I decided to share with you and you turn away, then in my moment of sharing , you crushed my spirits either good or bad.

Reason four: We actually maybe good and I don’t want you to rain on my parade. Some people may be happy for you but most times in life people get upset at others people’s success or happiness. You share it with the wrong person and your good moment turns to crap. So you just say I’m okay and go tell someone who really cares.

Reason five: People don’t know how to be real. Do you know if you spoke what you felt or when someone pays you a compliment at that time you ask. people really want to communicate with you they just don’t know how. They try one time it doesn’t work out and they will never do it again. We know people who just lost a relative, spouse and child and because we are trained to ask we say How are you? Then we get I’m okay. We want to slap ourselves for asking but what if they answer.  All I’m saying is do what I do sometimes. If someone asks how are you,  say are you sure you want to know. It gives them an out but it also gives you an in. Share your heart sometimes what comes out on the other side is pretty good or I guess okay 🙂





Day 572 I know I hurt my children with our divorce

25 08 2014

Day 572 I know I hurt my children with our divorce.





Day 572 I know I hurt my children with our divorce

24 08 2014

I got to do my first speaking to high school students yesterday . Such a great day. The school is inner city and I was worried what I had to say wouldn’t really apply. It went off great and our team of speakers is something Im truly proud of .

Last night I was coming home and had one of those moments that stay with you for a while. I was coming up Hwy 35 going home and on the opposite side of the road you could see a car was on fire. It had just started  and since in flight or fight I always fight. I was trying to figure out where to park/ what to do to help call 911 etc.. When I pull up the car has a small explosion Im guessing the gas tank is on fire and then I look about 20 yards down the road and there are horses everywhere. There is also a truck and trailer overturned but then I see 3 people giving CPR to a man around my age right in the middle of the highway. Nobody had answers to anything and there was no emergency personal on site yet. I went as close as I could to the car on fire to see if there was a body but no and then I just came back and watched this lady perform CPR. She was working so hard but the guy still wasn’t breathing . I kind of caught my mind and went to gather the horses back up. I got one and tied it to the trailer but I couldn’t help but think of the guy. I have no idea if he died but for some reason I put myself as that guy and hoped more than anything that he lived and hope many people loved him. I have no idea what caused me to think  that but man it was so surreal.

When you get divorced and you have children Im not sure you ever know  the true pain it causes your children. They have emotion and feelings that they have no idea how to tell you about and usually they don’t come out until there older and the anger and bitterness is revealed with it. If I could change it I would and now I know that there are things that will come up over time and I just have to learn to deal with them in the right way. Friday morning I had no idea what to do. I was trying to get Brayden dressed since somehow he got his shirt on but it was inside out and backwards. While i was helping he said Dad are you coming to my first day of school on Monday? I said you know it I wouldn’t miss it. He said no are you coming with mommy. I said yes we will both be there. He said no daddy will you be there married to mommy. I m so glad there wasn’t a picture  of my face because Im sure it was like I was about to throw up. I stood up because I was about to cry and  sat down on the floor with him and explained about his mom and I also told him I was sorry which is the first time I told him that about our divorce.. I then let him play and walked into my bathroom and cried like a child. To know that age 3 when we got divorced I left a scar on him that deep. At 5 years old that he was able to tell me that was incredible. When we were ready to leave the house he looked at me said its okay daddy just be there Monday okay.

I saw all of this to tell you. That no matter what you think divorce will scare your kids. If you can do anything to save your marriage do it. It takes work and letting go of a lot of things. Kids don’t want to see their parents in a bad marriage either but they will remember good or bad. My job and our job as parents is to always have open lines of communication and take responsibility for your marriage mistakes so hopefully our kids wont repeat them.





Day 205 Don’t love like money

1 08 2013

I spent the first three days of this week in an insurance class. I learned a lot but I’m so drained. How is it that you sit all day and feel like you have been hit with a baseball bat.  I get my babies back tomorrow. One of the greatest gifts I have received is being a daddy. I never knew how much you could love something until I realized the importance i had in my children’s lives.

I ve been reading a very different but outstanding book for me called: Blue Like  Jazz. Two chapters left and the last chapter on love struck such a chord with me.  When we think of relationships what metaphors do we use? We value people, invest in people,  we could bankrupt relationships and their priceless. All economic metaphors! So what does that matter? We think of love as a commodity! We use it like money. If somebody is doing something for us, offering us something, be it gifts, time, popularity or whatever else fits for you, we feel they have value, we feel they have worth, to us and perhaps priceless. I have always used love like money because I didn’t know better. It’s no excuse but I did. Remember how you cared so much  for that person who agrees with  you and felt “close to them” but the one who didn’t pretty much got kicked to the curb. If you barter or play games with love we all lose. There is no getting around it. When we don’t love our enemies they not it and will hate us more. Try a past relationship: Now that they can’t give you what you need you spit, scorn, anger, fear at them. They know it and do the same in return. The author Donald Miller has a personal example in the book but here is mine:

You could always tell me ex but I have moved past that and now I consider her my equal and we are doing our best to make it through the twisted world of divorce. This is a guy that when I see his posts on Facebook, or read about his life, or a story everything is great. I always think this guy is the second coming of Jesus Christ. He could help me too in a situation I’m in but he won’t, He thinks he Sh%t doesn’t stink. Honestly I would rather punch him than be around him.  I want real, I want someone who just is honest and will always extend the helping hand.  I have rolled my eyes, given him dirty looks, called him names under my breath. I thought if he knew I didn’t approve he would change. (I know I’m an ass) I was withholding my love. I knew what I was doing was wrong, selfish and it will not change until I change. What happens when we treat people this way they think we are: Snobbish, judgmental, defensive, and mean. We know were not but that’s what is thought. Trying to hear God and live the way I  should  I was disobeying God and pretty much just giving him the finger. People are hard to love. I’m one of those people and I’m really hard to love so why do people have to fit in our box to love them.  I hadn’t seen this guy in two months so I went Tuesday where I knew he would be and took a deep breath and started with trying to love him. I promise it wasn’t easy but after about 30 minutes I found out two things. He was funny and he thought a lot of good things about me. He still annoyed the crap out of me on some things but I think it’s that wall  that I help put up where he has try to show me and everyone else how great he is. Im a work in progress with love because I loved wrong for 37 years.

Remember this per the book’s author Donald Miller ” There are two conversations  going on at all times. First is the surface;  the weather, the Cowboys, and whatever else he mouth is saying. The next is of the heart and our heart is either communicating I like this person Im talking to  or I don’t. God asks for both conversations to be true”

If God is not true in both conversations he’s not there and we will lead ourselves and others astray. The bible says that if you talk to somebody with your mouth and your heart does not love them, that you’re a person standing there smashing two symbols together. You are only annoying everybody around you.





Day 50 Love is Not Enough… The Making of a Relationship

19 02 2013

This was a great article. Just something to think about.

This article:by Bill Malone, MSW, LISW

“Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new…, all the time, made new…”
Amy E. Dean

We think that the hardest thing in a relationship is finding the right person. After that, we fall in love and live happily ever after, right? Those in a relationship know all too well that fairy tales are only true in the movies. The truth of the matter is that having and maintaining a relationship is not easy. The rate of divorce tells us that love is not enough; other factors are needed to keep a relationship going.

As a therapist, I am privileged to work with many couples who come for help with their relationship problems. Looking back, it would be safe to say that the major problem that brings a couple in for counseling is because one or both of the parties are at their wits end and are seriously wanting out of the relationship unless some major change occurs. In working with couples, I don’t see that any one is at fault. Rather, the problems are usually caused by faulty interactions that have gone on for so long that the root cause for the problems are unknown to the couple. It is interesting to note that women tend to call for assistance more frequently than men do, but I believe this has to do with the fact that males have been socialized to be tough and handle all problems. Women on the other hand are reared to ask for assistance. Men need to learn to ask for help.

Communication problems are a major source for relationship problems. People in most cases just do not know how to talk to each other. Usually, the couple has spent years arguing, fighting or even avoiding problems, but the inevitable occurs, someone reaches the end of their rope. Loss of trust, confusion over whether we still love each other, fights all the time and the inability to agree on anything are some of the cues to recognize that a relationship is having serious communication problems. Many times a child’s misbehavior and conduct problems at home or school are directly related to a couple’s inability to communicate.

The goal of the counseling process is to teach the couple specific skills that are essential in keeping a relationship alive and growing. Many times the couples that I have seen had a deficit in one or more of the essential ingredients needed to cook up a great relationship. I don’t want to mislead anyone, love is important to a relationship. It is the catalyst that gets the whole thing going, but the following are ingredients that keep the love alive and the relationship healthy.

TWO MATURE INDIVIDUALS

A mature individual is defind as a person who has a sense of self. He/she is able to recognize that both members in the relationship are different. They are able to see that each has a different heritage, a different way of thinking, feeling and possibly different beliefs. The mature person is able to recognize the I, Me and the Us in the relationship. With all the differences in personalities, thoughts and feelings, it’s a wonder that we got together in the first place.

Without the element of maturity, a couple can get all messed up just because they lose themselves in a relationship. They can become jealous, dependent, resentful and distant. All of which can erode the reason the couple became a couple in the first place.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS

The ability to tell each other thoughts, feelings and wants is so important to a relationship. Good, open, and honest communication is like oil to a car. Without oil in the car, internal parts will burn up and the car will be ready for the scrap pile. Communication is important!

There are no mind readers. For a relationship to grow and prosper, likes, dislikes, desires, hopes, dreams and problems need to be said. If a couple’s communication is restricted, the relationship is destined for major problems down the road. We take cars for oil changes to keep them going strong, why not seek a professional’s assistance to change our communication patterns in order to keep the relationship in tip top shape just like our automobiles?

THE ABILITY TO CHANGE

Relationships are not static. They are ever changing. If they become static for too long, they can become extinct like the dinosaurs. Relationships go through a life cycle: the honeymoon, with children, mid-life crisis, the empty nest and the reacquainting period and then death of a spouse and the end of the relationship. All of these stages require change, learning and exploration of new territory. If one or both members in the relationship becomes rigid and resistant to needed changes the relationship could end in divorce. In my opinion, one of the major reasons that couples end in divorce is because they were unable to change to meet the new needs and demands of the relationship. One or both were unable or unwilling to make the needed changes to keep the relationship growing; as a result, the relationship died. Change we must, it is part of the human condition. If it was not, we would all still be infants in diapers.

ABILITY TO COMPROMISE

The ability to compromise refers to an individual’s willingness and proficiency at finding the middle ground. Being able to compromise is a sign of maturity. It is also needed in any relationship. If one person always gets his/her way, the other person is bound to feel dominated, and resentful. These negative feelings can rip the heart right out of any relationship. Finding the happy middle can provide the best of both worlds… giving and receiving. Sharing the last dish of ice cream with a friend is always better than eating it all alone, isn’t it?

A WILLINGNESS TO WORK TOGETHER

A relationship is like a business partnership; it has common goals, assets and liabilities. Like in a business, if members don’t work together, the business will become ineffective and possibly not exist for too long. The ability to work together means recognizing each person’s strengths and helping them come out at the same time recognizing each member’s weaknesses and learning to turn weaknesses into assets. Two heads are better than one and if couples follow this rule, they will see that the deep depressing valleys that lie ahead may be nothing more than pot holes once they approach them.

KNOWING WHEN TO BACK OFF

Every one needs room to breath, room to sort out their own thoughts, feelings and problems. If someone is always hanging on you, there is a tendency to want to push them off to reduce the burden of carrying them all the time. Providing individual spaces gives any individual the ability to see things more clearly.

SUPPORT AND TRUST

One of the benefits of a relationship is that we will have someone in our corner to support us and to affirm our existence. This support adds to the trust that is needed in any relationship. Without mutual support, a trusting relationship will not develop. Each member must have its emotional needs met in order to continue to invest in the relationship. The continued support and the being there for the other person emotionally is the way in which trust is developed. If a trusting relationship is cultivated and maintained, the ability to try new adventures and take new risks are enhanced. A supportive trusting relationship outside of the bedroom always increases the activity in the bedroom.

LOVE, HUGS, KISSES AND LOVEMAKING

The open expression of feeling in any relationship is vital to the continued growth of the relationship. Lovemaking should not be overlooked in a relationship, but it need not be the only ingredient that exists in a relationship either. Lovemaking is the icing on the cake and it gets there by mixing all of the above mentioned ingredients.

Good lovemaking starts outside of the bedroom. If you want to increase the frequency and intensity of your lovemaking, try to increase the frequency and intensity of your communication, willingness to work as a team, sharing of self, being kind and supportive, give space and freedom to explore individual interests. All of these ingredients will add to the makings of a fine, wonderfully iced cake.








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