Day 731 Drunk enough to feel

27 01 2015

80 Degrees in Texas in January. Yep its the joys of being a Texan. Saturday we will need a coat but today sun tan lotion. The top of my head looks better with a tan anyway.

I don’t drink a lot anymore. I might drink twice a month. I’m pretty comfortable with who I am and don’t need to escape or have liquid courage to accomplish a night of fun but.. Saturday night was a different story. I went  to my aunts wedding reception and saw family I hadn’t seen in a while. I wasn’t going to go but my mom asked and I wanted to support my aunt. I kept looking at my watch  hoping the time would pass quicker but like all time it doesn’t pass when you want it to. I couldn’t stand the questions of when are you going to have a girlfriend, do you want to get remarried, just the long list of questions you get when you older and single.

I went and hung out with one of my buddies and had about a 45 minute drive there. I have demons and I kick their ass most days. The one demon that gets me the most is loneliness. AS I made the drive my mind wander over to the wrong lane and started feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to escape my mind for a bit but didn’t know what to do. I meet up with my buddy in this hole in the place. I enjoyed his company but my mind wouldn’t stop. Two drinks lead to 2 shots and you know how it goes. In my past i could get drunk enough not to feel anything which is where I was going I hoped. This time though I only got to the point I could feel things I didn’t want to. I felt my loneliness, my fear and my lack of faith in God in many things. I wanted for just a little while to get my mind to stop because I didn’t believe God could do it for me at that time.

I’m sure you’re wondering why is he telling us this! I’m not going to apologize  for being human but I am sorry for not following my own advice. People always say man you got it together. Sure if you want to believe that you can but Im just like you. I just have different convictions  than before so I can bounce back a little quicker. If you take your focus on God, isolate yourself and believe you can figure it all out you could be in a horrible place that you thought left a long time ago. I made it home but before I did I stopped on a pretty dark empty place on 35 in Ponder Texas got out of the car and screamed at the top of my lungs. Ironic thing its the same place when I was 20 years old I woke up so drunk I busted through the fence and had passed out. After screaming like I was in a Hollywood horror flick I need to remember that spot from almost 20 years earlier and thanked God for bringing me to where I was now. It’s funny how if you need a reminder God can always show you something you don’t want but need to see.

I write this for me to go back read and remember but for you too. You are okay and you’re not alone.You are not your past, the feelings you have do not justify you and if you fall of the horse get back up. Love you!

Day 650 Light always cancels out darkness

7 11 2014

My beautiful babies come back to me today. During the holidays or lives become so busy but I want to be so much closer to them. I get excited like its Christmas morning knowing I get them.  Chances to make memories and we will again this weekend. This is a big football weekend for my teams. TCU and Notre Dame bring it home. If you don’t like those teams build a bridge it will be okay.

I have been to some of the darkest places in human life and became comfortable in them. Not because of want but because I had no other idea where to go with them. Darkness is scary: if its animals, snakes, spiders, cancer, facing our fears, ourselves, parents, having to make tough decisions, or letting go of something you never wanted to. I lived the majority of my life in darkness and dragged others down with me. I have a powerful personality and can and could you use it for good or bad. I brought others down to my level in life not out of deliberate bad but it’s who I was. I was in a very dark place trying to push away the light. Here is a great quote:  “Evil cannot and will not be vanquished by evil. Dark will only swallow dark and deepen. The good and the light are the keenest weapons.”
Nora Roberts, Heaven and Earth. The good and the light are weapons Weapons can be good too.

Have had  a few friends that are following the light again in life and it makes so happy as I told them I still still go dark sometimes but I have some of the most amazing people in my life that lift me just in the moment I need it. Without people that will hold you accountable darkness wins. It allows me to continue to try to be good and be the light with them. Last night I was on an internet radio and got to speak about my testimony and the things done wrong and learned from. My treatment of women was not good but I always said well they could say no. I hurt a lot of women because of my selfish needs I dragged them down to my darkness because it’s what I knew. I got three times last night how did you get on radio and say what you did. Because I am the light now. It is so hard when so many want to bring you to their level but Im strong and I believe that this is what God wants from me. In the same way I was darkness I can be light. When I seem to be slipping I have people who prop me up or slap the crap out of me and wake me up.  When you’re in the woods and its so dark and you hear every sound then the flashlight comes on. I’m the flashlight yes bigger than most flashlights but I choose to be the light.

Light always cancels out darkness. Be a light or be just one persons light. They need it but so do you. “The light in your soul is far greater than the darkness. Shine your light.”
Lailah Gifty Akita

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