Day 1836 How about you kiss my ……..

25 03 2018

Hello people and hope life is going great for you. Past 4 weeks, I had to put my dog to sleep, got  a new job where I travel, a new cell-phone which there is a learning curve,  and sat in the middle seat twice on a plane. 1 st world problems but still, the middle seat!

 

One thing I do a lot of is reflect. It might be a conversation, a text, the way I reacted, my thoughts at that moment, why I didn’t do something or I did. I’m always trying to be better than I was when the alarm went off that day. Some days I’m a miserable failure on being better and some days actually proud of myself. If you know me that’s something I’ve struggle with my whole life. If I was a fighter in his prime I’m Muhammad Ali the way I beat myself up. It’s a blessing and curse because you always hold yourself to a higher standard but also I never give myself a break. So today I did a reflecting on the past year of my life. It’s still new in the year and a lot of time to have the year I want.  So why not. Why do you get angry at the smallest thing sometimes, you do realize that the 99 problems you built up in your head actually the only one you had was yourself. Why do you go to church on Sunday, sit by yourself and then leave early. I guess Jesus left the building so you thought you were on his level.  Why do you neglect texts from people all they wanted to know is how you’re doing. They probably actually cared.  I know you push a lot of people out of your life because your afraid of them but you should be proud of the few you allowed to stay.. Every time you speak to a group of total strangers and pour your heart out you are doing something great. Somebody walks away with something and if you don’t believe that God knows. The messages you post to Facebook to help encourage or offer hope you should heed those same messages. You don’t have to be perfect and you don’t have to tell everyone how horrible you were in your past. They want to know your story but who you are now is who and what they like and be comfortable in it. You can’t save everyone but you know 3 you have. You’re doing your part stop and be happy about those. Every time you knew you should have said yes but said no I hoped you learned from that.  I know you think have no clue what to do with a teenage daughter but when she kisses your forehead and says she loves you  that she really does.  When you did for yourself or went somewhere you wanted to go did you ever regret it. The answer is no and its okay to take care of yourself too. When you get by urself and you  cry that’s God just getting me to cleanse myself so I can see what I  forget. You are not broken anymore, your glued back and your beautiful. Yes mom and dad are proud of who you are. You work so hard to be a great parent. Finally you’re a really good man, worthy of the most love, patience, grace and hope from another. Every morning you tell yourself that because as flawed and broken as you are and were you’re an  example and very few can wake up every morning and say that.

Just throwing out my thoughts because thats what a blog is for. Happy Easter and eat a cadbuy for me. Oh and you dont have to kiss my …. I just liked the title





Day 1608 I mean, I just assumed…..

30 07 2017

You smell that outside! That’s football coming back and thank the Lord. It’s almost time to remember back when I was great and tell people and say I could have made that play Haha. Cowboys go to the super bowl for my predication for 41 years in a row.

Even when we tell someone what were thinking and feeling were wrong.  I mean I just assumed that’s what you meant. Really every time we assume we look like an a$$hole. Okay so out of 10 times we get something right 1 time. The reason assuming gets us in such a foot in the mouth situation is we assume based on our past experiences. So how in the world can we assume what someone else, feels, thinks, or acts based on our past. Even if its their past not situation in life is ever the same. I was the worlds worst assumer. I lived a lot of life so I thought I knew. We think because someone is a butthole we know why, I mean maybe their parent beat them everyday so they carry years of pain and suffering. Or that girl that gives herself to every guy we call her a whore but all she’s doing is searching for that one guy to finally love her because her daddy never did. Or why would she date him. Well maybe she fell in love with a real man who loves her and doesn’t use her. Or people assume that someone has it all together but can’t see himself and why. Maybe because he was raised to be a perfectionist, and he felt he failed at everything touched and you don’t just let that mentality go overnight (me). Or why someone quits going to church and believing in God. So we just say how horrible they are without every knowing the real reason.

My God, we are still learning about a significant other years after we marry, but we think we know, when we don’t. Bottom line when we assume we actually coming out looking the worst. I know intentions are usually good but until you ask then don’t run with anything in your head, that leads to running head first into a wall. Even when you think you know just ask. Otherwise you become part of the masses and when you do, take away the m and you become of those (the asses).

I assume you’ll like this blog. Hope you enjoyed!

 





Day 1257 Im engaged

22 07 2016

4 years ago I walked out of the courthouse in Denton Texas and with my divorce paperwork in hand said this was it. Never did I want to be married or be in love again. It hurt too much. Everything I knew and believed about relationships and women was flushed away with the gavel hitting the stand.  I was in the process of rebuilding me but that part I just didn’t want a part of. I went 6 months of dating nobody as I worked on repairing my bitterness, anger and the stitching back my heart. I started dating and hated it. I would meet a nice girl then get afraid and run like a kid playing hide and go seek at school. When I started believing in myself more I started to believe that maybe my goal was just to be a daddy, work and enjoy be single. I had done online dating, meeting my friends, (not recommended) and randomly asking someone for a date that I never met.

Last June I was done with dating. I was ready for God to just drop her in my lap otherwise screw it.  I got an email for 1 month free then pay for one month for online dating. I tried it and July 5th of last year was my last day. On July 4th I sent a message to a girl named Stephanie in Austin. It was long distance and that wouldn’t work but why not. She responded and we started messaging. She was in Iowa visiting family so I couldn’t meet her. August 18th I drove to Austin and went on a small date just to meet because I had to get back and go to work. She was stunningly beautiful and the best thing is at dinner she put her arm around my arm.  I left and said she was pretty cool but I can’t make that work. I suck at distance and I need someone here everyday. After going back and forth mostly her coming here. I decided in October I wanted to be her boyfriend. I went back and forth not because I didn’t like her or was starting to love her but my fears. I wasn’t worthy, this can’t be real.

The Monday before my mom died we had a serious conversation about Stephanie. She said son I love her and she’s great for you. Stop finding things wrong and find the things right. My mom died the next day! Since that moment she has been my rock. She had no idea what to do for a man who was so close to his my mom but she has done it. She loves me and my kids unconditionally.  She tries everyday to understand how weird I am. I love her and never knew what it was like  to love someone like this. Faults, quirks, great things. i love her.

Last Thursday we went to Puerto Vallarta Mexico for a short vacation: I had made plans to ask her to marry me but she had no idea. Everything fell into including the ring get through the airport screening. Last Friday night i hit my knee on the beaches of Puerto Vallarta and asked Stephanie Ann Lemburg to be my wife and she said yes. I was so nervousness and didn’t want to screw up. I succeded

Never give up, God said he will restore what the Locusts ate. Here is another part of rising through the ashes. I couldn’t be more blessed to have put down my will and accept his.





Day 1205 My story is better than yours.

30 05 2016

The end of the school year. You would think that times couldn’t be busier but yes it is possible. I’m trying so hard to appreciate it because it another year that my kids completed school and one year closer to them growing up so fast.  On Saturday my parents would have been married 43 years. When I think of anniversary and holidays the memories flash back so quick and vividly. It’s amazing how just a  few moments in life feel so real and yet so far away. AS the journey continues these things keep hitting but I appreciate them now rather than trying to wish them away.

How many times do we someones highlight reel of life and wish that was us. I wish I had their life, I wish that I could have that kind of marriage.  I just wish my life was like theirs. I know social media has done a horrible job of painting a picture of the best when actually life is not like that. Behind that marriage is a great cover of hate, a fake marriage of two people who haven’t slept in the same bed in 3 years, the vacation they went on is it’s the last thing the family will do together before divorce. That life you want is filled with credit card debt so high its choking them, the house is 4 months behind and the bank is about to take it. I never want to discredit the parts of life that are great. We have to remember that life is full of seasons and sometimes you’re at the top and sometimes at the bottom. When at the bottom we try to put a dress on a pig. No matter what it’s still a pig.

Stop trying to compare someones else’s highlight reel with your normal life. If you put your highlights out there it looks pretty darn good. If you look at my mike on social media or just in general it looks great especially compared to my past. What you don’t see is my struggles that pictures don’t show, when I tell a joke it’s not because I’m laughing but because I need you to laugh so I can feel better. When I talk about my kids it’s because I feel guilty I blew it and lost my temper and want you to think I’m a good parents. when I get to speak to people and offer hope and the reason I said what I did is so I could have hope or feel like I’m accepted. Your right my life is good and the pictures and the stories and the moments I’ve had with God, my kids, my girlfriend, and her kids is amazing. What I have to keep in mind in those moments is that this is my life and its great. If I keep trying to live someone else’s highlight reel my life will slowly erode and there won’t be anymore highlights. Sure we see other people’s stuff we might want but you have no idea what it tool for them to get it or what they had to lose to get it. Comparing our life to someones else is a life sucking leach. Our normal isn’t bad its just hard to be content in the world of right now.  Enjoy your highlight reel, share it be proud of it but stop there. Just remember what it took you to get your highlight reel on track and what you have had to do to keep it going. Your life is amazing if we choose to see it,  despite the bad of it that’s what make the good so great.  Here is to more of the best, but my best 🙂





Day 1149 Im finally in an amazing realtionship

28 03 2016

Yesterday was the first big holiday without my mom. It was very different and she was missed terribly. Flashbacks of her being there, eating, laughing telling me if I didn’t use my manners she was going to shove an Easter egg down my throat and make me like it.
I would do anything to have her back, tell her I love her, and have her hug me one more time. Yesterday was just another day to remember how amazing she was and how she made everything so special.
A big thank you to my sister Meagan Wood for cooking like mom would have, but the bad part it was on time which would have never happened with my mom.

For almost 25 years I’ve been searching for someone to love ME. Not what I can do for them, or what my potential was but for me. I knew what I was capable of and for most of the relationships I was pretty decent in loving and showing love. I was broken and made a lot of wrong turns but now I made a change in my life and knew what I could be as a boyfriend and a future husband. I was ready to give up, from blind dates, to people I knew from my past, to dating websites I was ready to throw in the towel. Being a daddy, a warrior for God, speaker, and working I had accepted that I wasn’t going to find anyone else. In July of last year I saw a girl I thought was pretty sent her a message and then we started talking. She was in Austin so I thought it was just going to be something where I passed the time. We talked a lot and I was dating a few women here and there. I finally decided to go meet her. I drove down during the week thought I was crazy because I was going to get back so late for work the next day. Based on all the things I wanted in a woman she was it but we know that we all put on a good show when we meet. After dinner we were sitting there and she put her arm around my arm, 2 points for her. Physical touch is my love language, so she was a head of the game. She looked at me like nobody ever had and I wondered why.

When I left I thought I really needed to see her again but didn’t know when I was going to “TRY” again. I kept trying and we became closer and closer. Still the whole time I did everything I could to push her away. Not because I didn’t want her but because I was afraid. I mean I already said I was good being single the rest of my life and how could anyone possibly love me. She didn’t budge. I knew she thought about leaving but she has something I never had and that she was loyal. We told me from our first date that she thought that I was incredible. She hasn’t stopped since. I’m weird, I’m different, I march to the beat of my own drum, but I’m also loving, caring, a giver, loyal, a man’s man, a great father and she’s helped show me that. My mom, sister, kids, and my close friends thought she was great but for some reason I couldn’t get over me. The day before my mom died we had a serious conversation and I thought it might be over , and the next day my mom died. She got here as quick as she could. Like anyone else she had no idea what to do so she was there. Through my tears, my stories, my laughs, my deepest fears, and the hardest thing that had happened to me. I had always said before If I  ever stayed with someone forever again I had to know what she was like when shit hit the fan. Well lets just say she bought the best toilet paper and wiped it clean lol.

She had grown closer to my kids, Rock Bottom Outreach, God and me. When I think of what I wanted in woman, mother and lover she exceeds those expectations. There will never be another woman like my mom but Stephanie Lemburg is following closely. About 3 weeks ago God and I had one of our one on ones. I asked that he lets my heart accept all of her and let my heart fall truly, madly , deeply in love. God spoke to me and said don’t let her go for any reason and Tyler you deserve this woman its time to let go of your junk.

I have done that and I couldn’t be happier. Sure we have the ups and downs of getting to know one another but at the end of the day I’m not worried about her walking out on me. There may not be a better feeling for a 40-year-old man to know the love of a loyal woman and that she’s even on my side when she’s about ready to hit me with a hammer.

AS my journey changes Im glad to walk it with Stephanie. I love you Stephanie and thank you.

 





Day 1142 The Sony Walkman

21 03 2016

After 9 days without my kids I got them back, They got to go to Disneyworld with their mom. I’ve never have missed them so much. They had so much fun with lots of stories but I’m glad their back.  Spent some time with Rock Bottom outreach to this weekend. We gave back tot he homeless. It’s always great to get a different perspective on life and see that sometimes things happen that put us in places that we never expected to be.

Yesterday my amazing nephew celebrated his 12th birthday at Main Event. He had 4-5 friends there and family. It was his first birthday without my mom around you could tell her presence was missing. It took me back to a place for no reason on my 15th birthday. My nephew was spoiled for  sure. With food, presents and love. He got gifts and just kept opening them.  I know he liked them but like most kids now there spoiled. they have no idea how great they have it but hopefully we can teach them to be appreciative. I didn’t have a choice. My dad had lost job and became disable. My parents were doing everything to hang on to the house and cars and truthfully money was non-existent. We struggled in so many ways but my mom made sure nobody knew but I knew. I got to the point that I didn’t ask or even think about things anymore because I didn’t want to take anything from my family. I remember before football started my freshman I wanted a sony walkman. For those that didn’t know back then that was a tape cassette player that used headphones.  It was a way to escape the world and nobody else had to hear what you were listening to. It was so advanced and cool. I wanted one to lose myself before football games and also get pumped up. My mom actually asked one day at the store if I wanted something like this when we walked by it. I said I would love it but please don’t worry about it. That was the last  time I thought about it,that was in the month of August. My birthday is in October and I truly didn’t ask for anything or expect anything. I just knew our struggles were horrible and I was okay with just getting a card and happy birthdays at school.

The night of my birthday I got home and there was a cake. Birthdays cake is my favorite desert in the world. It said a happy birthday to number 72 the best son any parents could ask for. It made me cry because I knew that a cake was not in the budget but as usual my mom pulled off the miracle. The card was so heartfelt with messages from my mom, dad, and my little sister even signed it.  I started cutting the cake and looked up and my mom slide a wrapped box across the table. She said open it. I said mom why did you do this. It’s okay son you deserve this. I opened it up and it was my sony walkman. I couldn’t do anything except cry. I knew our struggles, I knew that 40  bucks was like a 1000. I hugged them both so much and I remember my dad said you better let your mom know more than me.

It didn’t dawn on me until later what my mom did. She sold a piece of her jewelry to get my walkman, card and cake. I had a conversation with her in my late 20’s and asked how she did it. She kept avoiding the question. She finally said I sold my purple ring and I would have sold everything to get you and your sister whatever you wanted. I hugged her, kissed and went to my car and shed a few tears. Knowing the sacrifice she made was unbelievable.  AS I sat there watching my nephew I thought about that walkman and my mom. I miss her more than words can explain but her memory, and spirit will run through me forever. I still have that walkman in a box in a storage unit in my hometown. I bet all I need is a battery and my old rap tapes to show people how appreciative I was.  Thanks for a walk in my past.

Source: Day 1142 The Sony Walkman





Day 1142 The Sony Walkman

20 03 2016

After 9 days without my kids I go them back, They got to go to Disney with their mom. I never have missed them so much. They had so much fun with lots of stories but I’m glad their back.  Spent some time with Rock Bottom outreach to this weekend. We gave back tot he homeless. It’s always great to get a different perspective on life and see that sometimes things happen that put us in places that we never expected to be.

Yesterday my amazing nephew celebrated his 12th birthday at Main Event. He had 4-5 friends there and family. It was his first birthday without my mom around you could tell her presence was missing. It took me back to a place for no reason on my 15th birthday. My nephew was spoiled for  sure. With food, presents and love. He got gifts and just kept opening them.  I know he liked them but like most kids now there spoiled. they have no idea how great they have it but hopefully we can teach them to be appreciative. I didn’t have a choice. My dad had lost job and became disable. My parents were doing everything to hang on to the house and cars and truthfully money was non-existent. We struggled in so many ways but my mom made sure nobody knew but I knew. I got to the point that I didn’t ask or even think about things anymore because I didn’t want to take anything from my family. I remember before football started my freshman I wanted a sony walkman. For those that didn’t know back then that was a tape cassette player that used headphones.  It was a way to escape the world and nobody else had to hear what you were listening to. It was so advanced and cool. I wanted one to lose myself before football games and also get pumped up. My mom actually asked one day at the store if I wanted something like this when we walked by it. I said I would love it but please don’t worry about it. That was the last  time I thought about it this was in the month of August. My birthday is in October and I truly didn’t ask for anything or expect anything. I just knew our struggles were horrible and I was okay with just getting a card and happy birthdays at school.

The night of my birthday I got home and there was a cake. Birthdays cake is my favorite desert in the world. It said a happy birthday to number 72 the best son any parents could ask for. It made me cry because I knew that a cake was not in the budget but as usual my mom pulled off the miracle. The card was so heartfelt with messages from my mom, dad, and my little sister even signed it.  I started cutting the cake and looked up and my mom slide a wrapped box across the table. She said open it. I said mom why did you do this. It’s okay son you deserve this. I opened it up and it was my sony walkman. I couldn’t do anything except cry. I knew our struggles, I knew that 40  bucks was like a 1000. I hugged them both so much and I remember my dad said you better let your mom know more than me.

It didn’t dawn on me until later what my mom did. She sold a piece of her jewelry to get my walkman, card and cake. I had a conversation with her in my late 20’s and asked how she did it. She kept avoiding the question. She finally said I sold my purple ring and I would have sold everything to get you and your sister whatever you wanted. I hugged her, kissed and went to my car and shed a few tears. Knowing the sacrifice she made was unbelievable.  AS I sat there watching my nephew I thought about that walkman and my mom. I miss her more than words can explain but her memory, and spirit will run through me forever. I still have that walkman in a box in a storage unit in my hometown. I bet all I need is a battery and my old rap tapes to show people how appreciative I was.  Thanks for a walk in my past.





Day 1121 Day 1119 The ghost I can’t catch

26 02 2016

Good evening from Durango Colorado.  After my mom passed away I didn’t take any time off so with two of my best buddies we are going to get away, snowboard, and enjoy the great outdoors. Nothing brings you back to what this life was created for than being in the great outdoors.

I’ve been in Counseling since September 2011 I’m so thankful I put my pride down and decided to make the life changing decision. It started so I could figure out why I wanted to take my life. From that moment on I learned about anger, worth, love, forgiveness, starting over, God, parenting. I could go on but mostly I learned to become a changed man. I thirsted for the knowledge, I couldn’t get enough, some of it was the worst feelings I have ever had. I wanted to quit, I wanted to run away, I wanted to give up, thankfully here I am.  I call this journey because of the peaks and valleys. I’ve never had a real even kill time since I started counseling. Then my mom dies in December and I knew I had to dig deeper in counseling and find out this emptiness I’ve had for about two years. With all the interceptive thoughts going along with my grief I kept asking myself why, why do you feel this way about yourself? Why can’t you get over this hill? Then this past Tuesday I counseling comes with only 10 minutes left in my session… Please don’t feel pity, or say something generic. I’m trying to be real to help me and maybe someone else!!

Brian I’ve been a failure at everything I touched and I mean everything. It’s the first time in my life I verbally said that. I think I thought it but no way I would say it. I started listing my failures, from sports, friendships, marriage, business, parenting, my personnel finances, addiction, sex etc.. With those thoughts I could never be truly happy or feel worthy. Brian my counselor looks at me and said you have to go back again and fix that. Go back where to what. I already forgave my dad. He was what I blamed, for everything wrong. So what do you mean. I said I struggle with love to. I feel like I don’t do it well and I struggle to receive it.  So with one minute left in the session he said I don’t know where you need to go to start but you have to.

Walked to my car sat down and wanted to throw up. All I could say is are you fing serious all of this and I left something in the rear view that I didn’t cleanup. I wanted to cry but I was to angry. I had a very brief conversation with God that a little something like you can Kiss my … God. AS I drove to an apt for work I sat there thinking this issue is like a ghost. You can see a ghost but you go to grab it and there’s nothing there. Yes, I know I can pray and have but God wants me to put the work in too. I’m fighting a ghost and even though I consider myself a pretty scrappy fighter this one I’m at a loss on now.

You might be fighting something too that seems like a losing cause. All I know If I can overcome so many of my demons this will fall to it just doesn’t come in my time. Here’s to sitting and listening and taping up these weather beaten and bruised hands for another round with me.





Day 1106 I’m sorry dad 11 years later

10 02 2016

This year my dads death is probably harder than expected because six weeks ago my mom left us. What he taught me as come through my mind more and more each day as the days of my mom pass. Each year I write this, copy and paste and change it mostly for myself. I read to see where life changed or my feelings are different. I just know the last 6 months he was alive I appreciate those moments more now than ever. They were the hardest things I’ve heard from a man about a man. He was true, deep, vulnerable  and finally open. I hated the words but I needed to hear them. Rather than being able to absorb them at that moment I just filled myself with hate, and bitterness and then he was gone. He was so wise because he was broken and made more mistakes than a roomful of men could make. I appreciate the words I use now when I speak that came from him, the moments when I parent and blow it and here him say its okay. When I feel worthless and hear him say don’t get in the mouse trap of thoughts you can’t get out of. 11 years later I would tell him I’m sorry but thank you. You were not the broken, heartless, absent man I thought you were. I love you and I hope I’m making you and mom proud even through my struggles. Here is 3 years of writing about what the day brings to me. I hope it helps you and if not it helps me.

At 8:20 am tomorrow 11  years ago  my father passed away. Sorry if you have heard the story before but this helps me deal with it and maybe you can get something out of it. I had never been more embarrassed, disappointed, and down right sickened by a human in my life than my dad. My dad was taking 27 pills a day to stay alive. We had brought him home from the hospital about 5 weeks earlier so he could die at home. He had a variety of things wrong with him they said he died of COPD but you could have chosen 5 or 6 other things. They had given him morphine under the tongue 2 weeks before so it had been a while since I had seen him “normal”. My problems started in life at 10 when my dad said that it was time for me to be the man of the family and I wore that with a badge of honor. It is by far the worst thing anything can put on a little boy. I truly believed in my head my dad thought I could handle the pressure and that he took a step back and started the deterioration process. It’s not like he didn’t do anything but when I was 14 he became disabled and quit. I was so pissed. I m a fighter and I don’t quit and he left my mom and I to take care of him and my sister. I know he was sick and his body was failing him but he could have tried to do something. He made me a promise that if I graduated from college that he would be there and stand for me when they called my name. Well he did that in December of 1998. It was the last time I could say I was proud of him. He was there and then had to go to the car. He had to carry an oxygen tank with him but I know that day he was proud of me. AS the years went on I saw less of him. I was embarrassed and now I know I was really pissed at him. I saw the man he was becoming, he couldn’t take care of himself at all and my mother waited on him hand over fist. September 2004 I started my own business. I will never forget that day he said “( I m so proud you had the courage to do something I wouldn’t) I remember mumbling to myself yeah You could have and he wouldn’t have been so damn poor.

August 2004 my dad got the words you only have 6-9 months left to live. He started the I m sorry and started to bear his soul. He apologized to my mom and I heard  his words he was sorry and my mom waited 34 years to hear those words. He apologized to my sister and requested that she do a few things which she agreed. He then started his process with me. It took a full 5.5 months to get it all out. I learned things about him that I never knew. He was a great card player, a real sharp dresser. He owned bowling alleys and restaurants, he played with his close friend Buddy Holly in his band and some other things that I will keep to myself. At first I was so happy to hear all of this and then I became bitter that he would wait until he was gone and couldn’t do anything about it. His last words that he said to me were son I wish I was half the man you had become. It was the most powerful thing I have ever heard but it should have been me saying that to him.

The last time I saw my dad alive was February 4th 2005. They got him out of bed and sat him in his chair. He had no idea we were there but he did have enough to tell me he was proud of me. I sat in front of him and talked to him like nothing was wrong but knew it wouldn’t be long before he died. I left that night and hoped God would take him I wished for more than anything. He was a shell of a man, he was so sick and my mom deserved better. Thursday February 10 at 9:40 pm my mom called its time son. We had many false alarms but this time her voice said it was really happening. He asked my mom to go to the store and get him some juice. He knew what he was doing when she got back my dad was in a coma. I got there at 11:00 that night. It was the longest drive I had made from Denton to Cleburne.  I wanted to have something to say to calm everyone down when I got there but I didn’t. I gave my sister, my mom and the hospice nurse a hug and went into the bedroom. No matter how ready you think you are you’re not ready to see you parent laying there taking their last breaths . The nurse told me that he could hear me so talk to him but he wouldn’t respond. Probably since the first time since I was a baby I went in laid in my dads arm and didn’t say a word. I laid there about 2 hrs and nobody came in there. I guess they knew I needed my time. I talked to my dad about what I was doing in my business and how I struggled with being a dad and husband. I told him I was mad about him leaving me here but I would hold up to the end of the bargain of taking care of my mom and sister. I got up and let some other people who came by the house come by and pay their respects. I sat outside in the dark for about an hr. I just kept praying for God please take him. His lungs were filling with fluid so his breathing was like that of a drowning person. At 8:00 that morning his breaths became fewer and fewer. My mom and sister came and said goodbye and I laid next to him holding his hand. at 8:20 I heard his last breath. A very surreal moment happened and his warm body became cold and his spirit left. It was my last time that I had to be the man of the family with him there!!

December 7th 2011 I went to my father’s grave for the first time. I was going through counseling and all kinds of help try to find peace and that day in the cold, mud, and sleet I hit my knees at his tombstone. I told him I was sorry for all the things I said and would he please forgive me and I forgave him. At that moment I looked over my right shoulder to see who was grabbing my shoulder and it was the spirit of the Lord lifting the burden off of me that I had carried for 25 years. My life has never been the same. My life hit Rock Bottom but because of that simple act of forgiveness for a man who did the best he could with the knowledge he had I’m here today still a broken man but gluing it all back together. At the beginning of January this year took a trip to the Sequoia National Forest and saw the largest trees in the world. It was the most majestic and quite place I had ever been on earth. In the quite I heard my Father speak to me and tell me that he loved me and he was proud of me. I promise its worth the fight and struggle to get to a place of peace and forgiveness.

 





Day 1090 Why people make the difference

24 01 2016

Tonight my sister and I got together with our kids. It was the first time all of us had been together since my mom passed. We laughed at all of my moms quirks, we were sad that this was the first time we were together as a family and the glue that kept it that way wasn’t there. As our kids shared memories dust kept flying in my eye and causing water to fall out :). AS the grieving process is almost a month old I have kept my sanity because of the people in my life.

Society and the news say all people have changed and my response is duh that’s what life is about. People are still amazing. They still take time out to check on you, send a card that was handwritten, send a message through Facebook or call you and tell you cut the crap and pour out your heart. I have friends that can compare life because it’s happened to them. People still love but I truly believe this. The more you pour out the more you give. Since I’ve spent 4  years changing my life to what God wanted which is to love the unlovable I definitely have gotten in back in my hardest time in life.

Last night driving to a concert a got a text saying please call my son and help him he’s in a bad place. That usually means relapse or suicide. I didn’t call for 2 hours because honestly I didn’t want to. I hoped the lady would understand that I was hurting and needed a break. Then I remembered in my pain people didn’t turn there back on me most never want to reach out because its uncomfortable and really what do you say?

I made the call and mostly I let the guy know somebody even a complete stranger loved him and wanted to help relief the pain.  I hung up and felt better that through my crap I cared enough to try to help and make a difference.

I say that to say this. Every person that has messaged, called, texted, mailed something ,mattered. When you take time out to offer a hello, I love you, your on my mind, it matters. You  make a difference. Loving the unlovable or loving the brokenhearted is what life is about. Don’t stop. When you have that pull at your heart, don’t let the world or your small circle beliefs keep you from blessing someone.

People are still amazing and you don’t have to search that far. Actually you probably just texted someone who is amazing.  Until next time!!








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