Day 1615 Lets get naked

6 08 2017

First I want to thank you all for reading this blog. It’s so cool that people all over the world can read this. Looking at all the countries I wonder if I weird in foreign countries too.

Second I get a lot what does the day in your title mean. Well in this case 1615 days ago I started a car trip to Virginia by myself. to see one of my closet friends. I prayed and promised myself that my life would change for the better starting that day and would never be the same. So here we are 1615 days later. Its been one hell of a roller coaster but its been a blast.

I hope the title got you to read! I have been the physical naked more times that you want to hear. It was the only way I knew to love for the longest time or feel I was important. I hurt so many women over the years. It wasn’t purposeful just thought being naked meant I was enough. So shirt off,pants off and you liked me.

I hope for most of us with age comes wisdom, if not you hit your rock bottom and I promise you get wiser or you get buried.  I learned that not only does my value not coming from being physically naked but you want someone to love, like, or respect you: LETS GET REALLY NAKED. I hate small talk every bit of it, I could care less what’s up! I’m going to give or get a generic answer anyway so why I ask. The naked I want is the soul bearing, tear filled, biggest smile type of naked, clothes on or off I don’t care. I want to talk about: death, aliens, birthdays cake, what makes you cry, why you became insecure, why you fake it, music, the meaning of life,  the lies you live, your favorite smells, the quirks that nobody knows because you feel you’ll be judged, your childhood, your first crush, why you watch the ceiling fan spin at night, why does asparagus make your pee smell so bad, why you don’t like peanuts but love peanut butter. I want to know your emotions, what your depth is. Why you’re twisted.  I learned not to judge but question. When you know someone who is  feeling that,  that feeling only comes from God. if you know me and say you’re the weirdest person I know but I love your soul. Mission accomplished!

Don’t get me wrong I love the physical naked but learning what it takes to be real makes relationships powerful. I know you can’t get naked with everyone because most wont get it and that’s okay. So to me from you let’s get naked. Real is exposing your soul and not giving a damn! I’m ready for the real naked time!!

Thanks for reading

 





Day 786 Im so sorry I lied-I am fearful

22 03 2015

I have my whole crew back and my mom and nephew came up last night as well. We went and saw the movie Do you believe! It was outstanding. Most Hollywood God movies are cheesy acted and predictable but this was not. Also my childhood hero Brian Bozworth was in it and did  great.

I’m fearful and I have lied and told you I wasn’t Here is what goes through my brain and heart if I’m honest.

:you will see my jokes are to cover my insecurities, that my anger is my true feelings about myself, when I’m honest I only hope u accept it and not reject it, that when I’m happy you know that  I don’t believe I deserve it, that every person I’ve kicked out if my life I miss them, that I crave a family again, that when I try to look tough I’m tired of being tough, the lies I told I wish they were true, I never believe I measured up,
That you will see the goodness of my heart and stomp on it again, I trust no one, I’m a great lover, that when I look into your eyes I really am trying to get to know you whoever you are, that I think more like a non-believer than a believer most days, I’m not comfortable in my own skin, my heart can break easier than you know, when u pay me a compliment I say thank you but don’t believe it, I’m afraid I going to screw my kids up every day, that every time I hear the word suicide I tear up,  I not afraid to die, you don’t know that when I hug you I hope it’s the best hug you’ve ever received, that if  I cry in front of you I’m hurting really bad inside, that I wanted more children but I thought have two of me was punishment enough to then, that every time  I get up to help or speak I have no idea what I’m going to say. That you ignore me because I’m odd and weird, that I’m jealous of what you have and I don’t, I’m afraid I wont’ get to my bucket list, I haven’t really changed, of the thoughts I have when I drink, why I don’t dream anymore,I will never love again at the depths that I know are possible, when I can’t find my shadow,
Why do I tell you this? I might be the only weird honest person in the world but what people tell me without asking I’m not alone in my thoughts. Everyone one of us feels and thinks these things a lot. We only want people to see the good but to appreciate e a person you have to know the bad to appreciate the good. We can pretend we don’t but if your honest you know it. Then I know these words have been mentioned Over 300 times in the Bible. Do not fear, do not be afraid. All I try now is share my heart which I just did and ask God please take these irrational and stupid fears because I’m not strong enough to do so.  Confession is what he asked us for, he didn’t ask us to stop sinning. Never feel alone in your walk and when you are fearful , remember  what God said : do not be fearful or afraid
love you





Day 786 Im so sorry I lied-I am fearful

22 03 2015

I have my whole crew back and my mom and nephew came up last night as well. We went and saw the movie Do you believe! It was outstanding. Most Hollywood God movies are cheesy acted and predictable but this was not. Also my childhood hero Brian Bozworth was in it and did  great.

I’m fearful and I have lied and told you I wasn’t Here is what goes through my brain and heart if I’m honest.

:you will see my jokes are to cover my insecurities, that my anger is my true feelings about myself, when I’m honest I only hope u accept it and not reject it, that when I’m happy you know that  I don’t believe I deserve it, that every person I’ve kicked out if my life I miss them, that I crave a family again, that when I try to look tough I’m tired of being tough, the lies I told I wish they were true, I never believe I measured up,
That you will see the goodness of my heart and stomp on it again, I trust no one, I’m a great lover, that when I look into your eyes I really am trying to get to know you whoever you are, that I think more like a non-believer than a believer most days, I’m not comfortable in my own skin, my heart can break easier than you know, when u pay me a compliment I say thank you but don’t believe it, I’m afraid I going to screw my kids up every day, that every time I hear the word suicide I tear up,  I not afraid to die, you don’t know that when I hug you I hope it’s the best hug you’ve ever received, that if  I cry in front of you I’m hurting really bad inside, that I wanted more children but I thought have two of me was punishment enough to then, that every time  I get up to help or speak I have no idea what I’m going to say. That you ignore me because I’m odd and weird, that I’m jealous of what you have and I don’t, I’m afraid I wont’ get to my bucket list, I haven’t really changed, of the thoughts I have when I drink, why I don’t dream anymore,I will never love again at the depths that I know are possible, when I can’t find my shadow,
Why do I tell you this? I might be the only weird honest person in the world but what people tell me without asking I’m not alone in my thoughts. Everyone one of us feels and thinks these things a lot. We only want people to see the good but to appreciate e a person you have to know the bad to appreciate the good. We can pretend we don’t but if your honest you know it. Then I know these words have been mentioned Over 300 times in the Bible. Do not fear, do not be afraid. All I try now is share my heart which I just did and ask God please take these irrational and stupid fears because I’m not strong enough to do so.  Confession is what he asked us for, he didn’t ask us to stop sinning. Never feel alone in your walk and when you are fearful , remember  what God said : do not be fearful or afraid
love you





Day 739 Why men buy sex!!

4 02 2015

Another week with my babies and another week of sayings and things that you don’t forget. My daughter told me Monday night that now that football is over I’ll need to work out harder to be a man since my testosterone dies after football. I just wonder what in the heck that 7th grade girls talk about at lunch. Never mind I really don’t want to know.  Also the hedgehog is an interesting creature. They have a great personality and use the bathroom more than a class of kindergartners.

The topic of buying sex came from Warren Sapp an NFL Hall of Famer and analyst got arrested for solicitation of a prostitute super bowl weekend. This isn’t about him or to Dog him he has demons like us all. Are we really one to judge since the things that go on behind our doors is pretty disgusting when you get down to it. I know this doesn’t pertain to all men but the majority of men struggle with sex, porn, prostitution etc.. I’m also writing this from a man’s perspective because  I am a man and I know  women struggle with many of the same issues but I’ll stick to what I know.

Women always want to know why: I have everything he would want. I’ll do anything for my man. Or why would my friend, dad, brother do that it’s so disgusting. Again talking about porn, sex, prostitution when I reference it here. You might ask well how do you know, stats prove it but I ask questions, I listen to men, look at what ends marriages, men’s groups, etc.. So here you go:

The computer, the prostitute doesn’t say no. You pay your money and the answer is always yes. Every man I have heard this from after the fact was disappointed, lonely, waste of money, un-filling, empty. We as men need to hear yes. We here no so often that going where the answer is yes is fulfilling until the act happens. Men are not good in relationships period. Most of our fathers didn’t know how to teach and so we carry that legacy. One of my friends  about his experience of childhood cruelty and neglect and linked this to his inability to form close ­relationships with anyone, particularly women.

I would say to its hard especially today to know how to content with a women in the usual means. You don’t have to connect with women through porn or prostitution. All the things we lack as men with feelings, and emotions, and being touch and feel that all gets to go away. We perform our act of gratitude to ourselves and the computer closes or the girl goes away. We don’t have to hold you, explain why I didn’t last that long or talk to you at all. The worst things for a man but the easiest thing to. We want our ideal prostitute not to behave like one, to role-play to be a pretend girlfriend, a casual date, not business-like or mechanical.  Then you go away. I was 20 years old and had 100 bucks and with buddies and I tried it. It was so cool until I left the room. I felt like I just paid someone to pretend to like me and she was good at pretending but now what.   I also believe that men need Validation of being desirable . This is emotionally charged, and probably very powerful, more so than what people think and finally, Objectification (ends justify the means) , however some more negative connotation along with it meaning that socially they can not see the other as being anything more than sex/money.

I know this you would be surprised who is addicted to porn and prostitution, You think the best looking guy who can get any girl wouldn’t do it false. .This has nothing to do with looks. It has everything to do with our worth, or lack there of, what we were or weren’t taught about women, that we don’t understand women, but also women don’t get us. You don’t understand the fear and doubt that men walk around with. If you suck in bed as man there’s nothing worse in a man’s eyes.  Yes even that guy that walks around cocky, arrogant, has more money than God, yeah him too.  When a woman shoots down a man in public about his lack of size, or no prowess in be d you just sent him a death sentence and now he’s going to go find what wont talk him down or make him feel inadequate.

Yes men need help, we need counseling and we need more Jesus. A lot more but Christian men struggle more than most because they have more to live up too. I promise! So how do we fix it. From the things I mentioned but also women have to start trying to understand men because were a lot more sensitive than you would ever know. Do porn and prostitution go away and in the words of my friend JB. If all men are locked up and all women die. We can just pray that men get healthy and start changing the generation below us. Not the best news and I don’t have the answers for you just the facts!

 





Day 511 When you look around!!

24 06 2014

Well its over! We moved my  mom. It rained 5 inches yesterday while we were moving and needless to say it was a very sad day. The good thing is when something ends, something new begins. We found a treasure chest of thing things from my dads past. It was really cool to see all the things my dad did in his life.

I know nobody likes it but I hate cancer. In the past two weeks 3 people I know have been diagnosed with cancer. You want to do something but all you can do is pray and listen. I only wish that I can be there when I’m needed.

I wrote about this recently but I never knew how hard it would be to leave my childhood home.  Over the past 10 years the house and place had deteriorated to say the least. Wood rot, windows that whistled when the wind blew, leaking, horrible plumbing some electric work and some didn’t. It was my home and no matter what it looked like I still love  it. AS the boxes were being packed and moved into the truck the house started clearing  out more my thoughts change from lets hurry to can we slow this down. The Saturday before 2 of my friends came and helped me clean out our storage barn and all I did was clean that as fast as I could but when they left I went back in and remembered the things my dad taught me in the barn. How to work and clean my fishing gear. We took apart lawn mowers and sometimes it was his place that he could go to get out of the house because he couldn’t drive anymore. Once I moved into the house to start the real packing process I found pictures, and tools, letters, my drawings my sister and I made for my mom. I teared up a few times. My mom did a pretty good job of throwing things away. There were things like the 41-year-old green fridge that she wanted, some pillows, and some dishes that I was like okay are we sure we should eat off of those.

When I left there were just a few things left that my sister was taking care of and even though the house was empty I was looking around and my mind was full. Sure I was sad, but I was also content because I had come to a close that even though some things end there always new beginnings. I hope someone else is able to have the lifetime of memories I have and when I took my final mental picture of that empty house I remembered that house built me and I couldn’t have been more thankful.





Day 511 When you look around!!

23 06 2014

Well its over! We moved my  mom. It rained 5 inches yesterday while we were moving and needless to say it was a very sad day. The good thing is when something ends, something new begins. We found a treasure chest of thing things from my dads past. It was really cool to see all the things my dad did in his life.

I know nobody likes it but I hate cancer. In the past two weeks 3 people I know have been diagnosed with cancer. You want to do something but all you can do is pray and listen. I only wish that I can be there when I’m needed.

I wrote about this recently but I never knew how hard it would be to leave my childhood home.  Over the past 10 years the house and place had deteriorated to say the least. Wood rot, windows that whistled when the wind blew, leaking, horrible plumbing some electric work and some didn’t. It was my home and no matter what it looked like I still love  it. AS the boxes were being packed and moved into the truck the house started clearing  out more my thoughts change from lets hurry to can we slow this down. The Saturday before 2 of my friends came and helped me clean out our storage barn and all I did was clean that as fast as I could but when they left I went back in and remembered the things my dad taught me in the barn. How to work and clean my fishing gear. We took apart lawn mowers and sometimes it was his place that he could go to get out of the house because he couldn’t drive anymore. Once I moved into the house to start the real packing process I found pictures, and tools, letters, my drawings my sister and I made for my mom. I teared up a few times. My mom did a pretty good job of throwing things away. There were things like the 41-year-old green fridge that she wanted, some pillows, and some dishes that I was like okay are we sure we should eat off of those.

When I left there were just a few things left that my sister was taking care of and even though the house was empty I was looking around and my mind was full. Sure I was sad, but I was also content because I had come to a close that even though some things end there always new beginnings. I hope someone else is able to have the lifetime of memories I have and when I took my final mental picture of that empty house I remembered that house built me and I couldn’t have been more thankful.





Day 489 Final part of my childhood is gone

2 06 2014

Ever been somewhere and you ask yourself why in the hell am I here. I had that moment last night and so I left. Sometimes you are places you shouldn’t be for many reason but mostly because that place is sapping the life out of. Lesson learned!

We all lose things in our lives some good, some bad, some necessary and then there are those things that you wish you never had to lose. I have wrote many times about my childhood and my father becoming disabled and the burden it put on our family. Everyone of my birthday, Christmas, or any special occasion present/gift was sold, pawned or traded. It was out of necessity but it was because no matter what my parents wanted to hold onto the 50 acres of land and house that they owned. I took care of the place probably until about 2008 and then my sister took over the duties. It had become too much and my mom needed to get away from it, her health is not good and she needed to be closer to us. This coming Tuesday at 2:00 our place is sold and being closed on. 37 years in our family and tons of memories. I know the memories never leave but something about when it’s not yours anymore just changes the way you see it. I drove down today to say goodbye to the place. I got about a mile away and got very emotional. The roads are the places I trained for sports, the trees and house around ours are where I learned so many of my country ways.

My mom and dad bringing me there in the first pictures I remember seeing. My neighbor Mrs. Riley who lived across the highway that was practically my grandma. She fed me and told great stories that always caused me to want to go over their every day and eat. We had a stock tank it’s where I caught my first fish, shot my first armadillo, built my first baseball field. I go into my first fight and broke my nose, we played tackle football in my front yard everyday in the summer until people got tired of me hitting them,I played first and only game of catch with my dad there. My sister and I built a slip and slide and we would also go on the porch and talk. It was the last place my dad drove his tractor. My dad built a 1 acre garden and my mom cooked it or stored it. My mom always swept the porch after I mowed and I loved it because for a strange reason it made her happy. I had my second kiss there, and a first of a couple of other things. It was the first place my daughter skipped a rock and shot her BB gun.  We never had a shower just a tub but at times I miss just taking a bath. We had an antenna for TV and I would have to go turn it to get the TV to come in and sometimes hold in that place until my dads show was over. The best meals I have ever eaten were there. My mom was awesome cook and it helped me grow into a strapping young man. The first tornado I was ever in was there when we lost our chickens my pony and the trampoline ended up perfectly balanced on the top of the telephone pole. I camped there for the first time, got our car stuck before our first baby shower and stripped down to my underwear and dug the car out. It was the first place I went after my divorce. Its peaceful and quite and you can see the stars, All of them. We brought my dad home from the hospital to die at home and have a sense of peace which he did. I remember so much good and bad and wish it could be ours but the time has come to give it to someone else so they can make their memories.  Saddest part for me is that my childhood is gone now. I could go there and just sit and listen if anything that place was mine and nothing could take that from me. Just another thing that nobody can explain to you about being an adult.








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