Day 1507 Teach me how to live again.

9 04 2017

Happy April. One of the busiest months around. WE had NASCAR, baseball, Hockey, minor league baseball, basketball, 3 different festivals around DFW this weekend. It’s a great place to live and you can’t be bored but my Lord a ton of people live here now. There’s traffic everywhere I mean everywhere. Good thing I m sneaky and I know things and people so I can sneak around!

The life of a rock bottom person is a great story. Rising from the ashes, changing your story, ending curses, learning that there is the courage to keep going. You remember all the things that broke you, the moments where you look around and say I’m not worth it for some us the moment you write a letter saying I’m sorry but its time for me to live this world.  From those things you give hope, you love people, show people a new reality you show perseverance  when there wasn’t any.

I can only speak for me on this and my rock bottom story but I need someone to help me to live again. I hope for me its the person I will spend the rest of my life with. I’m sure some of you are asking what do you mean Tyler. I’m not sure I can put it in words but I’ll try. She has to be a strong-willed person, because I am. When my demons show themselves can either lift me up or smack me which ever one I need. Rock bottom people know relapse, we know when we feel God disappeared, (which he doesn’t) we know when we don’t feel worthy, or when we questions the comfortable pain we lived with so long. My book is almost finished said that now for 2.5 years someone who will say what are you doing. I want to read it, others will too. You have to start giving yourself credit Tyler. Someone that helps you believe in yourself when you have those moments you don’t Or when you find the courage and those are showing themselves that push you to get to the end.  She’s willing to take a chance because she believes in you enough and even if you fail, you didn’t fail you learned. That’s okay living on a thought like let’s go to California. Sometimes living life doesn’t have to make sense you just live it.

AS you get older you know outcomes better, when you screwed up so many things you play it safe. Safe sucks but you know the outcome if you do something not safe. So you live in a safe bubble trying not to recreate the mess you made. That’s not living. I’m not talking about drinking or drugging. I’m talking about seeing things you haven’t or doing things out of your comfort zone. She would take me by the hand and say I want to show you something. Your eyes open to the magic and beauty of the world you haven’t seen. It may sound like Hollywood but who cares. A lot of things in Hollywood are based on a true story and they make great movies.

She helps me focus, she’s optimistic, she shows a new reality.  The killer of life is routine, she’s okay breaking routine.  I know happiness and joy are internal works. I truly understand that and I need to find my joy again. I need help, I need someone to enhance me and see me faults and all as the great man I am.

My dad told me once that my mom made him see things that he just couldn’t. That she would believe when he wouldn’t that when he had an idea she supported him more than he supported himself.

If I died tomorrow and around me were all my hopes, dreams. I would have to apologize to them. My fears and doubts could pat me on the head say good try. I need that person that is  a dream catcher and a hope provider and loves me crap and all. If I’m asking too much then I’ll continue on my journey by myself because I want to live and one way or another I’m getting there.

Get busy living or get busy dying!

Day 965 Give up hope of having a better past

17 09 2015

I’m a  guy who takes chances and always have. Investing lets take chances, playing sports chances and now fantasy football. Now I watch football yelling at a guy that I don’t care about, to do something good and the chances are he stinks and I’m wishing for him to be something he can’t.  I guess its good to warm up the vocal cords.

I started teaching/facilitating the men’s sexual purity class on Monday night and just wow. It was an experience I had hoped for but not really expected to go the way it did. It fascinates me to listen to others stories. Not only do you realize that you’re not on an island but we are so similar. I told my testimony and if you haven’t heard it I let it all hangout. I think me being vulnerable allows others to know that its okay. I had a few raised eyebrows but it was those guys that opened up a lot. While going around the circle and back and forth I heard one guy say that he has to give up hope of having a better past. I asked him where he heard that,he didn’t remember but I stopped and man those words had me. I had heard don’t live in the past, leave the past behind etc.. but never had I heard it put that way. Read this again. GIVE UP HOPE OF HAVING A BETTER PAST. I tell my testimony and the story comes from my past but like anyone if I wouldn’t have done XYZ, I would have my family in tact, or maybe I would be married again , or blah blah. Bottom line I can wish, hope, and pray but my past and your past is dead. We will never change that and God doesn’t change the past either. It’s a part of you the good and bad but all that matters is the here and now. Yes if there was a time machine I would go back and fix a lot of hurt, words, and pain I inflicted but I can’t. All I can do is live my hours, days and years upcoming hoping that my past was a lesson,  That I can change the outcome of my children’s lives, that everyone comes in contact say he’s not who he used to be, that he loves and he gives his all for others. I have said all the sorries I know to say but hoping for a better past is like praying that I can save everyone from themselves. That won’t happen but hoping for a better past is futile and downright dumb. We are not our past, we are not our mistakes. What we are is forgiven and with that if we wake up tomorrow we are given another chance to right the wrongs that we created in the past. Give hope that tomorrow can be different. We have no idea what it may bring but its new and nothing of the past can ruin it unless we allow it.



Day 128 Not New Years Resolutions

28 12 2012

Hello from Hope Arkansas. I’m on my trip to Virgina and it has been so peaceful. I dropped my babies off today and both of them were so worried about me going but were glad that I could get away. I’ve never taken a car trip this far alone but there are a lot of things I have never done this year so add this to the list. I remember my dad always told me that no matter where you go things are the same, faces change but the only constant wherever you go is you. As I sit here I see that yet again.

I stopped believing in New years resolutions 3 years ago. I think they are very negative and set us up to fail. I agree with redoing goals and maybe what are some thing you may not do but not a list of things to do. Go back and look at your resolutions from the past 5 years (if you can find them) and see what you accomplished. maybe these sound like New Years Resolutions but these are things I m going to try not to do this year.

1. Toss out the damn checklist (especially when finding a mate) There are 4 things I want in a women and I won’t sacrifice that, but I m going to quit trying to make someone fit into the box. Living like that everyone will let me down and they will never see the real me. I want to just laugh again and grow with someone slowly.

2. I m not going to quit dreaming. My dream may make no sense to you but screw you if you don’t like its my dream go find your own.

3. I m going to quit being in fear of not taking chances. Life is about chances, if you don’t take them look at what you’re missing out on.

4. I’m not going to fear money I’m going to make it.

5. I’m not going to push people away that I could possibly be friends with.

6. I’m not going to let my past dedicate my future. I know what this means for me. I had a friend Jennifer L. who said that she would be my accountability partner and be a hard ass or whatever was needed to make me successful. I never had someone ask me for that. I have nothing to lose. Open heart, arms and ears. The inner badass is coming!!

On the road again to Nashville and then a nap and off again.

Love ya

Matthew Winters (Honest Thoughts from a Pastor)

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