Day 1507 Teach me how to live again.

9 04 2017

Happy April. One of the busiest months around. WE had NASCAR, baseball, Hockey, minor league baseball, basketball, 3 different festivals around DFW this weekend. It’s a great place to live and you can’t be bored but my Lord a ton of people live here now. There’s traffic everywhere I mean everywhere. Good thing I m sneaky and I know things and people so I can sneak around!

The life of a rock bottom person is a great story. Rising from the ashes, changing your story, ending curses, learning that there is the courage to keep going. You remember all the things that broke you, the moments where you look around and say I’m not worth it for some us the moment you write a letter saying I’m sorry but its time for me to live this world.  From those things you give hope, you love people, show people a new reality you show perseverance  when there wasn’t any.

I can only speak for me on this and my rock bottom story but I need someone to help me to live again. I hope for me its the person I will spend the rest of my life with. I’m sure some of you are asking what do you mean Tyler. I’m not sure I can put it in words but I’ll try. She has to be a strong-willed person, because I am. When my demons show themselves can either lift me up or smack me which ever one I need. Rock bottom people know relapse, we know when we feel God disappeared, (which he doesn’t) we know when we don’t feel worthy, or when we questions the comfortable pain we lived with so long. My book is almost finished said that now for 2.5 years someone who will say what are you doing. I want to read it, others will too. You have to start giving yourself credit Tyler. Someone that helps you believe in yourself when you have those moments you don’t Or when you find the courage and those are showing themselves that push you to get to the end.  She’s willing to take a chance because she believes in you enough and even if you fail, you didn’t fail you learned. That’s okay living on a thought like let’s go to California. Sometimes living life doesn’t have to make sense you just live it.

AS you get older you know outcomes better, when you screwed up so many things you play it safe. Safe sucks but you know the outcome if you do something not safe. So you live in a safe bubble trying not to recreate the mess you made. That’s not living. I’m not talking about drinking or drugging. I’m talking about seeing things you haven’t or doing things out of your comfort zone. She would take me by the hand and say I want to show you something. Your eyes open to the magic and beauty of the world you haven’t seen. It may sound like Hollywood but who cares. A lot of things in Hollywood are based on a true story and they make great movies.

She helps me focus, she’s optimistic, she shows a new reality.  The killer of life is routine, she’s okay breaking routine.  I know happiness and joy are internal works. I truly understand that and I need to find my joy again. I need help, I need someone to enhance me and see me faults and all as the great man I am.

My dad told me once that my mom made him see things that he just couldn’t. That she would believe when he wouldn’t that when he had an idea she supported him more than he supported himself.

If I died tomorrow and around me were all my hopes, dreams. I would have to apologize to them. My fears and doubts could pat me on the head say good try. I need that person that is  a dream catcher and a hope provider and loves me crap and all. If I’m asking too much then I’ll continue on my journey by myself because I want to live and one way or another I’m getting there.

Get busy living or get busy dying!





Day 891 Its time to touch the sky Tyler

5 07 2015

At midnight tonight I will start a 3 day detox from all social media. I was challenged by my counselor to try it to hear something and avoid the distractions that come with social media. I argued but there are a few issues I have to resolve and I’m at the point that I’m ready. So it may not be a big deal but I struggle with being lovable. So when I need to think about that I run to social media to see what my friends and the world is doing. Its time to be a big boy if I want to have a relationship where I love and want to be loved I have to concentrate on the issue and stop sabotaging myself. Here’s to a first for me!!

We get caught up in our lives, we do the same thing over and over and routine is a life killer. Even we when go on vacation we try to pack so much into our few days off that we need a vacation from our vacation. We never get to truly experience a sense of peace that belongs to just us. That when I get to my spot if its night or day I feel I’m touching the sky. You might be saying what a weirdo what is he talking about. I really feel bad you haven’t felt that but you still can. Maybe in your backyard, in a different county, the mountains, the beach, another country, in your car but you have to find it. It’s the place where you feel a sense of peace, that nothing is wrong, that you can talk out loud to someone that’s  1000’s miles away from you but can still hear you? Or  you connect with a loved one that’s passed or you can just sit there and nothing crosses your mind. It’s a place that God has you and nothing else. I have three of them. One is outside Boulder Colorado, One is in the Sequoia National Forest and the last is on a pier in San Diego California. All three places I have my piece of the sky, one I heard my God and my dad speak to me, one i sat down on a rock and saw the stars I never had and the last one I felt peace like never before. I felt I was going to be okay and every mistake I had made and every time I had fallen down was being handled. Each time when I got back into the car I knew that I had that moment where I felt “okay”  So what does all this mean?

I’m scraping up the money and I’m going back to one  of my places. I have to not just want to. There are some amazing things that have happened in the past 3 years. I couldn’t be more proud of my journey but I know I’m not hearing  some important things in my life. Its time to complete my family, its time to believe in my direction and that what I’m doing with my life is truly what God wants and not me. One day the love of my life can go and share in these places but not until I let whoever she is come in. So if you would pray that I find the finances, listening ear and open heart. Not my will but his.  Until my detox is over love ya!!





Day 845 Divorce is the only answer

20 05 2015

I’ve tried to tell my friends that aren’t in Texas how much we have received in two months. I know after 4 years of drought floods come but hey were good now. Lets send the rain to California. One lake was 32 feet down in February which means on 21% of it was filled. After lasts night rain it 9 feet down. The lake that is closet to us was 12 feet down and now its 6 feet above level.  What it means is that we took our rain dance to far. Milli Vanilli said it best Blame it on the rain. Okay I’m sorry I typed that out but hopefully you laughed.

If you have read my blog for very long you know I despise divorce. Not only for the adults but the kids are never the same. I could give you stats and blah blah about why about keeping you family in tact is best but I’m sure you’ve heard it all.  I’m a proponent for fighting to the bitter end (no pun intended) to save your family. I know because I did it. I wasn’t perfect in trying to plug all the wholes in the boat but when it was over I knew I did everything within what God gave me to save my marriage. I walked away with no regrets. I mean none. The church and Christians have done a horrible thing to divorcees to shame them about divorce and quoting what the bible says. I can read my bible and I know what it says about divorce but I can also show you in the bible where God dislikes bad marriage and the the life we have. God never wanted us miserable, broken or hopeless. That’s a promise! The broad paint brush that people use is so funny because if you bring up their sin they want to move on from that and just focus on what divorce is doing. I’m here to give another side.

Yes there are exceptions to every rule so lets through that out. 1.Sometimes people suck at being married. They just aren’t or won’t be capable of being faithful. Sure you can get help but they usually follow what they saw growing up and that circle hasn’t been broken yet. Just because God created us to be together doesn’t mean everyone is cut out for it. If you get married in your teens or early 20’s your destined to fail. You change so much in your 20’s that by the time you get to 30 you have no idea who the heck is the person you married is. I know this for a fact. The ones that married in there 20’s (again not all) have to trick up their life sexually etc.. with a job that travels so they didn’t see each other. 3.God has left their marriage- You got married in a church and that was the last time you were there,  or you went to church so your neighbor saw you went but God is page 20 of your newspaper.

4. Its takes two to be successful in a marriage and especially if you’re trying to repair it. YOU cannot fix a marriage if you’re the only one getting help because YOU CANT CHANGE SOMEONE ELSE. They can change but you can’t change them. If you divorce someone because the snore you’re an idiot. Everybody has things that the other person isn’t going to like. That’s the magic of marriage is taking the difference in two opposite people and make a beautiful cracked vase out of it.

If your physically being abused get out now. That typically doesn’t change and once the first punch is thrown it only gets easier to continue for you to be the punching bag of choice. Otherwise I say this, alcoholism, verbal abuse ( thats a 2 way street), drugs, family curses ,relatives, religious difference, greed, laziness, selfish etc.. With each one of these and more you don’t just leave your spouse. The vows said for better and worse. Not this is getting hard now leave. You fight your butt off to love, guide,  get counseling, direct, lead, hug, cry, fear for your spouse but sometimes after you have given your all. It’s okay to hang up and move on. People with demons won’t change, it’s always someone else  fault and I promise you have to hit Rock Bottom and lose it all to realize what you had. Some will never change and that’s not your fault. If you have given it your all God’s going to love you no matter what. He knows if you truly gave it your all or when it got tough you just quit.

Your only a failure in life when you don’t try! You get married it gets hard you quit, yes then you failed. Im tired of knowing that I have a lot of great people getting beat down because they got divorced. I know they tried and I know how bad your heart hurts, from betrayal, failed dreams, broken souls kids tears. If you have never been down the journey of being divorced it’s probably better you stay in your glass house and keep your mouth shut.  To my divorced peeps. Mend the heart, open it up again and find someone who didn’t quit and fought their butt off then ask God to show you his way and not your own.

SOAPBOX OVER.





Day 845 Divorce is the only answer

20 05 2015

I’ve tried to tell my friends that aren’t in Texas how much we have received in two months. I know after 4 years of drought floods come but hey were good now. Lets send the rain to California. One lake was 32 feet down in February which means on 21% of it was filled. After lasts night rain it 9 feet down. The lake that is closet to us was 12 feet down and now its 6 feet above level.  What it means is that we took our rain dance to far. Milli Vanilli said it best Blame it on the rain. Okay I’m sorry I typed that out but hopefully you laughed.

If you have read my blog for very long you know I despise divorce. Not only for the adults but the kids are never the same. I could give you stats and blah blah about why about keeping you family in tact is best but I’m sure you’ve heard it all.  I’m a proponent for fighting to the bitter end (no pun intended) to save your family. I know because I did it. I wasn’t perfect in trying to plug all the wholes in the boat but when it was over I knew I did everything within what God gave me to save my marriage. I walked away with no regrets. I mean none. The church and Christians have done a horrible thing to divorcees to shame them about divorce and quoting what the bible says. I can read my bible and I know what it says about divorce but I can also show you in the bible where God dislikes bad marriage and the the life we have. God never wanted us miserable, broken or hopeless. That’s a promise! The broad paint brush that people use is so funny because if you bring up their sin they want to move on from that and just focus on what divorce is doing. I’m here to give another side.

Yes there are exceptions to every rule so lets through that out. 1.Sometimes people suck at being married. They just aren’t or won’t be capable of being faithful. Sure you can get help but they usually follow what they saw growing up and that circle hasn’t been broken yet. Just because God created us to be together doesn’t mean everyone is cut out for it. If you get married in your teens or early 20’s your destined to fail. You change so much in your 20’s that by the time you get to 30 you have no idea who the heck is the person you married is. I know this for a fact. The ones that married in there 20’s (again not all) have to trick up their life sexually etc.. with a job that travels so they didn’t see each other. 3.God has left their marriage- You got married in a church and that was the last time you were there,  or you went to church so your neighbor saw you went but God is page 20 of your newspaper.

4. Its takes two to be successful in a marriage and especially if you’re trying to repair it. YOU cannot fix a marriage if you’re the only one getting help because YOU CANT CHANGE SOMEONE ELSE. They can change but you can’t change them. If you divorce someone because the snore you’re an idiot. Everybody has things that the other person isn’t going to like. That’s the magic of marriage is taking the difference in two opposite people and make a beautiful cracked vase out of it.

If your physically being abused get out now. That typically doesn’t change and once the first punch is thrown it only gets easier to continue for you to be the punching bag of choice. Otherwise I say this, alcoholism, verbal abuse ( thats a 2 way street), drugs, family curses ,relatives, religious difference, greed, laziness, selfish etc.. With each one of these and more you don’t just leave your spouse. The vows said for better and worse. Not this is getting hard now leave. You fight your butt off to love, guide,  get counseling, direct, lead, hug, cry, fear for your spouse but sometimes after you have given your all. It’s okay to hang up and move on. People with demons won’t change, it’s always someone else  fault and I promise you have to hit Rock Bottom and lose it all to realize what you had. Some will never change and that’s not your fault. If you have given it your all God’s going to love you no matter what. He knows if you truly gave it your all or when it got tough you just quit.

Your only a failure in life when you don’t try! You get married it gets hard you quit, yes then you failed. Im tired of knowing that I have a lot of great people getting beat down because they got divorced. I know they tried and I know how bad your heart hurts, from betrayal, failed dreams, broken souls kids tears. If you have never been down the journey of being divorced it’s probably better you stay in your glass house and keep your mouth shut.  To my divorced peeps. Mend the heart, open it up again and find someone who didn’t quit and fought their butt off then ask God to show you his way and not your own.

SOAPBOX OVER.





Fay 750 Faith or Control

16 02 2015

It’s a blessing and a curse to have joint custody of your children after divorce. The blessings are too many to count but the hardest is when I get them back I have actually seen them change. Not only physically but mentally and emotional. I get my kids back on Fridays and seeing my daughter had a 7th grade Valentine dance. When I saw her in her dress I couldn’t believe that it was her but it was like looking at what I thought she would look like in the future. I’m just thankful I can see her and my son as much as I do but its tough watching them grow up and I’m not there.

Faith or control? Which one are you and if 100% of people were truthful we are all about the control. Faith- Faith is defined as confidence or trust in a being, object, living organism, deity, view, or in the doctrines or teachings of a religion, as well as confidence based on some degree of warrant. It can also be belief that is not based on proof. The word faith is often used as a synonym for hope, for trust, or for belief. Control-Toexercise authoritative or dominating influence over. 

The question to me is why. Faith you cannot see. Control you can. You can make someone do something and you control that situation or you perceive you do. Faith is letting go and not many of us a real good at that. I was the worlds worst control freak and we all know that control freaks control nothing no matter how much we want to believe we do. We can’t make someone love us, we can’t make problems go away, we can’t solve addiction, we cant  control people decisions at work. No matter the best plans ever put together Gods plan is what it is and that’s the bottom line. My favorite saying is that if you want to make God laugh tell him your plans. If your plans are based on your control and not your faith then your plans will fail. You may get what you want but in the long run it winds up turning into sour grapes.

My whole life was like this: God its  11 I’m going to lunch and Ill be back at 1. If you don’t accomplish what I need by then  Ill take over. I mean I’ve always taken care of the way it was supposed to go (sarcasm). Here is a great example from this past week. I needed my sub contractors  to finish building a fence for a house were building. I set it up and even called the sub Wednesday morning to make sure he was going to be there. I had taken control  and we were golden. Well long story short the sub I talked to died in a car accident Wednesday morning, I was sad for him but I was also upset because now the fence wasn’t going to be  get finished which then would push back the closing and so on and so forth. What wound up happening is that the inspector that was supposed to be there the next day couldn’t make it and the customer and to push back the closing a day. It worked out the way it should. My control I put on it did nothing. Faith would say the only thing I can do is my part and the rest has nothing to do with me. Every morning we wake up once we hit the alarm the only thing we control if were allowed to wake up is hitting the alarm to go off and getting out of bed. After that its a crap shoot no matter how organized, put together or what a great planner you are. It’s easy to think we can control our kids, our life, and everything it. I know some great parents that I’ve patterned myself after and guess what their kids fell of the wagon. Not because the parents were  but because we don’t control our kids once they leave the house. We all that all american couple and because they tried to control the spouse they pushed them further away. In your life when someone tries to control you how do you feel and your like I don’t think so sucker.

My closet friend Jim said about me on my trip back from California that you seemed not to give a crap. That you were so care free with your decisions. My response. I lacked faith. God allowed me with my free will to control my life and with it, hit rock bottom,  I burned so many bridges, lost my best friend, lost my business, filed bankruptcy, lost my marriage, my home and essentially everything I thought I controlled. You see how well that turned out.  The last three years I’m LEARNING that God will handle it if I allow him with my walk of faith. I may not like his plan but his plan has worked out every-time. I really wound up liking it in the end and all I did was give up my control which I truly sucked at. You cannot see faith  but I promise if you follow faith you will be standing  exactly where you wanted to be.  So I expect all of you to read this or I wont blog tomorrow! (Get it)





Fay 750 Faith or Control

15 02 2015

It’s a blessing and a curse to have joint custody of your children after divorce. The blessings are too many to count but the hardest is when I get them back I have actually seen them change. Not only physically but mentally and emotional. I get my kids back on Fridays and seeing my daughter had a 7th grade Valentine dance. When I saw her in her dress I couldn’t believe that it was her but it was like looking at what I thought she would look like in the future. I’m just thankful I can see her and my son as much as I do but its tough watching them grow up and I’m not there.

Faith or control? Which one are you and if 100% of people were truthful we are all about the control. Faith- Faith is defined as confidence or trust in a being, object, living organism, deity, view, or in the doctrines or teachings of a religion, as well as confidence based on some degree of warrant. It can also be belief that is not based on proof. The word faith is often used as a synonym for hope, for trust, or for belief. Control-To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over. 

The question to me is why. Faith you cannot see. Control you can. You can make someone do something and you control that situation or you perceive you do. Faith is letting go and not many of us a real good at that. I was the worlds worst control freak and we all know that control freaks control nothing no matter how much we want to believe we do. We can’t make someone love us, we can’t make problems go away, we can’t solve addiction, we cant  control people decisions at work. No matter the best plans ever put together Gods plan is what it is and that’s the bottom line. My favorite saying is that if you want to make God laugh tell him your plans. If your plans are based on your control and not your faith then your plans will fail. You may get what you want but in the long run it winds up turning into sour grapes.

My whole life was like this: God its  11 I’m going to lunch and Ill be back at 1. If you don’t accomplish what I need by then  Ill take over. I mean I’ve always taken care of the way it was supposed to go (sarcasm). Here is a great example from this past week. I needed my sub contractors  to finish building a fence for a house were building. I set it up and even called the sub Wednesday morning to make sure he was going to be there. I had taken control  and we were golden. Well long story short the sub I talked to died in a car accident Wednesday morning, I was sad for him but I was also upset because now the fence wasn’t going to be  get finished which then would push back the closing and so on and so forth. What wound up happening is that the inspector that was supposed to be there the next day couldn’t make it and the customer and to push back the closing a day. It worked out the way it should. My control I put on it did nothing. Faith would say the only thing I can do is my part and the rest has nothing to do with me. Every morning we wake up once we hit the alarm the only thing we control if were allowed to wake up is hitting the alarm to go off and getting out of bed. After that its a crap shoot no matter how organized, put together or what a great planner you are. It’s easy to think we can control our kids, our life, and everything it. I know some great parents that I’ve patterned myself after and guess what their kids fell of the wagon. Not because the parents were  but because we don’t control our kids once they leave the house. We all that all american couple and because they tried to control the spouse they pushed them further away. In your life when someone tries to control you how do you feel and your like I don’t think so sucker.

My closet friend Jim said about me on my trip back from California that you seemed not to give a crap. That you were so care free with your decisions. My response. I lacked faith. God allowed me with my free will to control my life and with it, hit rock bottom,  I burned so many bridges, lost my best friend, lost my business, filed bankruptcy, lost my marriage, my home and essentially everything I thought I controlled. You see how well that turned out.  The last three years I’m LEARNING that God will handle it if I allow him with my walk of faith. I may not like his plan but his plan has worked out every-time. I really wound up liking it in the end and all I did was give up my control which I truly sucked at. You cannot see faith  but I promise if you follow faith you will be standing  exactly where you wanted to be.  So I expect all of you to read this or I wont blog tomorrow! (Get it)





Day 716 I finally found my life

13 01 2015

The trip is over and were home. 46.30 hours and 3360 miles. That my friends is a road-trip in 5 days and we even ate at a waffle house. I can’t tell you everything went on because some of it belongs to my friend Jim and I and the other reason is you wouldn’t understand.  When I write this blog tonight it’s very deep for me. There was so much purpose and meaning to it. I ask you to have an open mind and continue to pray for me as I continue to grow.

I never would have appreciated going on this trip three years ago. Seeing the Sequoia trees was a bucket list item but like most bucket list items in my life I complained and bitched that it wasn’t this or that etc.  God ALWAYS knows what he’s doing.  His timing is perfect even though I have told him many times he didn’t know what he was doing. National Geographic put an article out about the trees in April or May of 2014 and I mentioned to my buddy Jim how cool it would be to see the trees up close. So for my birthday he got us the trip and sat the date. We both love to drive and this was a perfect way to experience part of the country that we hadn’t seen. It causes you to slow down appreciate whats outside the window rather just flying, rushing to a rental car etc.. It allows you to have conversation and be real because what else do you have to do. Jim had never been to Vegas so we took that experience and if you ave never been to Vegas go. On the way we stopped at Hoover dam. Its amazing what we did building that and the amount of concrete and people it must have taken. I’m afraid of heights and we were out there 5 years ago and I couldn’t walk on the dam. I literally froze and my legs wouldn’t move. This time I walked on the entire left side crossed over the dam and walked down the right side. I was so proud of myself. I still had fear but I also had belief. I even leaned over the edge. Another small victory in my life. Something so amazing and not only did I overcome my fear I truly appreciated it. Friday we got to the Sequoia National Forest and it was dark and freezing. From the time we entered the park to our lodge we stayed it its only 23 miles but it takes 1:20 minutes to get there because of the curves and elevation. We were right at 7300 feet high. I’m so glad it was dark or I would have passed out seeing over the edge which I got to see when we left the lodge. at the lodge we had no cell service and the wi-fi would have been better with two tin cans. That’s another good thing because I wasn’t married to my phone like normal. So we ate dinner Friday night at the lodge tried to get adjusted to the elevation and settled in for the night. I went to bed being very anxious and I had no idea why.  I mean okay you’re going to see big trees so what. After breakfast we drove down the mountain and there were two trees in particular we wanted to see which were The Sherman (largest tree by diameter) and The President ( around 350 ft tall) Only thing was it was 2.5 mile round trip and even though I think I’m in good shape I wondered if I could make it as usual doubting myself. The Sherman is the first tree and there are no words or pics that can do the tree justice. its 36 feet in diameter. I was in absolute awe. There were a good number of people around that tree and a little further up the path but to see the President which is the one on front of National geographic we had to keep hiking. We took a few breaks to catch our breath, but as we continued up you couldn’t hear the cars below, nobody else was making the hike with us, and the snow on the ground was drowning out the other sounds of the forest. I boosted my buddy Jim up on a rock which was super high but he got up there and the pic was so great because he conquered it but he had accomplished so much more and that pic was proof for him.

President tree Burnt tree

As we got closer to The President tree we stopped talking to each other so much and it got quite but mostly my mind got quite. You look around the forest and there are broken branches many places where fire had burned the trees, but you saw new life, you saw trees that were 2-3 years old that were thriving and my mind just went quite. We finally get up to the president tree and you look up and almost fall over backwards trying to see up to the top.  Theres a bench that you can sit on to take a pics and I sat down. I sat and never in my life had I heard the quite that I did for the 5 minutes I sat there. Jim went up a hill to do his own thing and there I was then it hit me. I heard God and he said. I brought you here so you can see your life. You see the trees that are burnt but thriving that’s you. The forest fire blacked the trees but they don’t die. It is so proof that life can take broken and destroyed and make them new and better. Even the inside of the trees looked so burnt that there useless: I got to see the fallen pieces the parts that didn’t make it but there were little saplings 2-3 years old like my life sprinkled along the way but the big trees with burned marks, and missing bark we’re stronger and in awe to see. There were so many levels to them and I thought the only thing I was going to see were big trees but I saw my life. In the still of the moments I was there. I thanked God for not only this creation but bringing me half way across the United states to see out of so much destruction the beauty that can come out of it. The piece before Jim came down the hill is I looked up for the final time and either I wanted to hear it or I heard it but my dad said son I’m proud of you. I had told a few if only I could here my dad say that just one more time and that I did.

So I process all of this as we leave yesterday heading back its a lot to take in and I’m still in awe of what I feel and the peace that I have. I also got to see my ex wife’s family in Tucson last night for about 10 minutes. I really love them and they love me too. Its part of divorce that sucks when you miss family but it was the best 10 minutes. The hugs when we left were great and I got a few miles down the road and cried. I got to put to rest some fears about seeing them but also just letting family know I love them. They left me with some great words and I intend to remember them. Between Tucson and El PAso last night while Jim was sleeping and it was just literally me and the road I came to this realization.  For the first time in my 39 years I understand my life. It’s very simple: I was broken and will always be broken, I’m a sapling in my new life, Im a good man,  a good father and someone people love and respect me and that no matter what happens from this minute to the end of my life that will not change. God can and will take anything and only makes the most beautiful things out of the most broken. Yes life is that simple and I finally found my life in the quietest place that I had ever been and simply put thank you.

Thanks for allowing me to ramble but I needed to write this for myself so if I forget I can go back. It was my wow moment and here’s to you finding yours..








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