Day 1836 How about you kiss my ……..

25 03 2018

Hello people and hope life is going great for you. Past 4 weeks, I had to put my dog to sleep, got  a new job where I travel, a new cell-phone which there is a learning curve,  and sat in the middle seat twice on a plane. 1 st world problems but still, the middle seat!

 

One thing I do a lot of is reflect. It might be a conversation, a text, the way I reacted, my thoughts at that moment, why I didn’t do something or I did. I’m always trying to be better than I was when the alarm went off that day. Some days I’m a miserable failure on being better and some days actually proud of myself. If you know me that’s something I’ve struggle with my whole life. If I was a fighter in his prime I’m Muhammad Ali the way I beat myself up. It’s a blessing and curse because you always hold yourself to a higher standard but also I never give myself a break. So today I did a reflecting on the past year of my life. It’s still new in the year and a lot of time to have the year I want.  So why not. Why do you get angry at the smallest thing sometimes, you do realize that the 99 problems you built up in your head actually the only one you had was yourself. Why do you go to church on Sunday, sit by yourself and then leave early. I guess Jesus left the building so you thought you were on his level.  Why do you neglect texts from people all they wanted to know is how you’re doing. They probably actually cared.  I know you push a lot of people out of your life because your afraid of them but you should be proud of the few you allowed to stay.. Every time you speak to a group of total strangers and pour your heart out you are doing something great. Somebody walks away with something and if you don’t believe that God knows. The messages you post to Facebook to help encourage or offer hope you should heed those same messages. You don’t have to be perfect and you don’t have to tell everyone how horrible you were in your past. They want to know your story but who you are now is who and what they like and be comfortable in it. You can’t save everyone but you know 3 you have. You’re doing your part stop and be happy about those. Every time you knew you should have said yes but said no I hoped you learned from that.  I know you think have no clue what to do with a teenage daughter but when she kisses your forehead and says she loves you  that she really does.  When you did for yourself or went somewhere you wanted to go did you ever regret it. The answer is no and its okay to take care of yourself too. When you get by urself and you  cry that’s God just getting me to cleanse myself so I can see what I  forget. You are not broken anymore, your glued back and your beautiful. Yes mom and dad are proud of who you are. You work so hard to be a great parent. Finally you’re a really good man, worthy of the most love, patience, grace and hope from another. Every morning you tell yourself that because as flawed and broken as you are and were you’re an  example and very few can wake up every morning and say that.

Just throwing out my thoughts because thats what a blog is for. Happy Easter and eat a cadbuy for me. Oh and you dont have to kiss my …. I just liked the title





Day 1169 He wont always say yes

18 04 2016

Hello blogging world. I have absent because in all honestly too many thoughts to actual get just one or two on paper. This also is one of the busiest times of year in work, sports and my little kids lives. Also with having my amazing girlfriend and son in my life it’s just sometimes to busy to sit down.  We went to our first Texas Rangers baseball game of the season last night. When the weather is still cool, the smell of hot dogs, beer, and popcorn then the crack of the bat. It takes me back to being a kid. If I miss anything that may be it.

I want  this job, if I could only live in this house, I want to marry this person, if only I had a smaller nose, or I lost weight, or blah blah. Then my life would be different. If I only had what I wanted then my life would be the way I wanted. If God would just answer my prayers. How come God never hears my prayers. I never get what I want? The reason is he doesn’t always say yes to us. What sucks is how many unanswered prayers where the best things you never asked for. We are stupid if you think about. We ask for emotional things, we ask for things in our time. Then we don’t get what we wanted and life sucks and God doesn’t listen.  What about when you didn’t actually take that job and six months later the company closed. You didn’t marry that person and when you found out who they were all you could do is say thank you. Perfect example of my unanswered prayers. I prayer for God, to save my business, save my marriage, and take my life. None of those things happened and I couldn’t thank God that he didn’t answer my prayers, that he didn’t say yes to my plan. I have cussed God, left him, half ass prayed just to say I did and thought he really didn’t exist. The only reason is because he didn’t do what I said. 5 years into the journey. God said yes but to his plan. Then I’ve decided to say yes to him. I don’t always do what he wants to remember we are imperfect, broken, and flawed. That is certainly me but I’m trying to follow and listen. He is opening doors that I never imagined. He is letting my true character and identity come out. My wishes are coming true.

I can’t tell you what to do about God or your beliefs. I do know there is a God and I’m not him. I also know his yes is better than I could ever imagine. I also remember and know that when he is “missing” he never was. All I can do is be an example for him, and show believes and none believers who is even through my failures but my successes.  If your prayers aren’t being answered it’s because you just haven’t figured out that your plan is not his. You may follow you plan but just know there is a consequence and lets just hope you don’t get what you want.  When you feel like its hard, confusing or you don’t want to that’s his plan. Follow it! I promise its worth it.





Day 1169 He wont always say yes

17 04 2016

Hello blogging world. I have absent because in all honestly too many thoughts to actual get just one or two on paper. This also is one of the busiest times of year in work, sports and my little kids lives. Also with having my amazing girlfriend and son in my life it’s just sometimes to busy to sit down.  We went to our first Texas Rangers baseball game of the season last night. When the weather is still cool, the smell of hot dogs, beer, and popcorn then the crack of the bat. It takes me back to being a kid. If I miss anything that may be it.

I want  this job, if I could only live in this house, I want to marry this person, if only I had a smaller nose, or I lost weight, or blah blah. Then my life would be different. If I only had what I wanted then my life would be the way I wanted. If God would just answer my prayers. How come God never hears my prayers. I never get what I want? The reason is he doesn’t always say yes to us. What sucks is how many unanswered prayers where the best things you never asked for. We are stupid if you think about. We ask for emotional things, we ask for things in our time. Then we don’t get what we wanted and life sucks and God doesn’t listen.  What about when you didn’t actually take that job and six months later the company closed. You didn’t marry that person and when you found out who they were all you could do is say thank you. Perfect example of my unanswered prayers. I prayer for God, to save my business, save my marriage, and take my life. None of those things happened and I couldn’t thank God that he didn’t answer my prayers, that he didn’t say yes to my plan. I have cussed God, left him, half ass prayed just to say I did and thought he really didn’t exist. The only reason is because he didn’t do what I said. 5 years into the journey. God said yes but to his plan. Then I’ve decided to say yes to him. I don’t always do what he wants to remember we are imperfect, broken, and flawed. That is certainly me but I’m trying to follow and listen. He is opening doors that I never imagined. He is letting my true character and identity come out. My wishes are coming true.

I can’t tell you what to do about God or your beliefs. I do know there is a God and I’m not him. I also know his yes is better than I could ever imagine. I also remember and know that when he is “missing” he never was. All I can do is be an example for him, and show believes and none believers who is even through my failures but my successes.  If your prayers aren’t being answered it’s because you just haven’t figured out that your plan is not his. You may follow you plan but just know there is a consequence and lets just hope you don’t get what you want.  When you feel like its hard, confusing or you don’t want to that’s his plan. Follow it! I promise its worth it.





Day 950 What I would have told myself yesterday

3 09 2015

It’s that time of when the air starts to get crisp and the leaves are staring to change. You can feel the people starting to get in a better mood because its getting cooler. Then you realize you live in Texas and today I got a sunburn on the top of my head because I was standing outside for 10 minutes. Im sure people thought it was a BBQ but no my head. Im ready for it to get cooler and also starting eating and drinking more pumpkin stuff. My man card might just have lost points but Im willing to take that chance.

Ont thing I do a lot of is reflect. It might be a conversation, a text, the way I reacted, my thoughts at that moment, why I didn’t do something or I did. I’m always trying to be better than I was when the alarm went off that day. Some days Im a miserable failure on being better and some days actually proud of myself. If you know me that’s something I’ve struggle with my whole life. If I was a fighter in his prime I’m Muhammad Ali the way I beat myself up. It’s a blessing and curse because you always hold yourself to a higher standard but also I never give myself a break. So today I did a reflecting on the past year of my life. Its the new school year and Im only 39 days away from being 40 Yikes!!!  So why not. Why do you get angry at the smallest thing sometimes, you do realize that the 99 problems you built up in your head actually the only one you had was yourself. Why do you go to church on Sunday, sit by yourself and then leave early. I guess Jesus left the building so you thought you were on his level.  Why do you neglect texts from people all they wanted to know is how you’re doing. They probably actually cared. Y I know you push a lot of people out of your life because your afraid of them but you should be proud of the few you allowed to stay.. Every time you speak to a group of total strangers and pour your heart out you are doing something great. Somebody walks away with something and if you don’t believe that God knows. The messages you post to Facebook to help encourage or offer hope you should heed those same messages. You don’t have to be perfect and you don’t have to tell everyone how horrible you were in your past. They want to know your story but who you are now is who and what they like and be comfortable in it. You can’t save everyone but you know 3 you have. You’re doing your part stop and be happy about those. Every time you knew you should have said yes but said no I hoped you learned from that.  I know you think have no clue what to do with a teenage daughter but when she kisses your forehead and says she loves you  that she really does.  When you did for yourself or went somewhere you wanted to go did you ever regret it. The answer is no and its okay to take care of yourself too. When you get by uself and you  cry that’s God just getting cleanse yourself so you can see what you forget. You are not broken anymore, your glued back and your beautiful. Yes dad is so proud of you. Mom believes that you kept your promise that you made to your dad that you would take care of her and your sister. Finally you’re a really good man, worthy of the most love, patience, grace and hope from another. Every morning you tell yourself that because as flawed and broken as you are and were you’re an  example and very few can wake up every morning and say that.

This blog was for me to go back and read when I forget about who I am. I’m sharing it with you because I know I’m not the only one that feels this way. Thank you for always reading and being supportive.





Day 950 What I would have told myself yesterday

2 09 2015

It’s that time of when the air starts to get crisp and the leaves are staring to change. You can feel the people starting to get in a better mood because its getting cooler. Then you realize you live in Texas and today I got a sunburn on the top of my head because I was standing outside for 10 minutes. Im sure people thought it was a BBQ but no my head. Im ready for it to get cooler and also starting eating and drinking more pumpkin stuff. My man card might just have lost points but Im willing to take that chance.

Ont thing I do a lot of is reflect. It might be a conversation, a text, the way I reacted, my thoughts at that moment, why I didn’t do something or I did. I’m always trying to be better than I was when the alarm went off that day. Some days Im a miserable failure on being better and some days actually proud of myself. If you know me that’s something I’ve struggle with my whole life. If I was a fighter in his prime I’m Muhammad Ali the way I beat myself up. It’s a blessing and curse because you always hold yourself to a higher standard but also I never give myself a break. So today I did a reflecting on the past year of my life. Its the new school year and Im only 39 days away from being 40 Yikes!!!  So why not. Why do you get angry at the smallest thing sometimes, you do realize that the 99 problems you built up in your head actually the only one you had was yourself. Why do you go to church on Sunday, sit by yourself and then leave early. I guess Jesus left the building so you thought you were on his level.  Why do you neglect texts from people all they wanted to know is how you’re doing. They probably actually cared. Y I know you push a lot of people out of your life because your afraid of them but you should be proud of the few you allowed to stay.. Every time you speak to a group of total strangers and pour your heart out you are doing something great. Somebody walks away with something and if you don’t believe that God knows. The messages you post to Facebook to help encourage or offer hope you should heed those same messages. You don’t have to be perfect and you don’t have to tell everyone how horrible you were in your past. They want to know your story but who you are now is who and what they like and be comfortable in it. You can’t save everyone but you know 3 you have. You’re doing your part stop and be happy about those. Every time you knew you should have said yes but said no I hoped you learned from that.  I know you think have no clue what to do with a teenage daughter but when she kisses your forehead and says she loves you  that she really does.  When you did for yourself or went somewhere you wanted to go did you ever regret it. The answer is no and its okay to take care of yourself too. When you get by uself and you  cry that’s God just getting cleanse yourself so you can see what you forget. You are not broken anymore, your glued back and your beautiful. Yes dad is so proud of you. Mom believes that you kept your promise that you made to your dad that you would take care of her and your sister. Finally you’re a really good man, worthy of the most love, patience, grace and hope from another. Every morning you tell yourself that because as flawed and broken as you are and were you’re an  example and very few can wake up every morning and say that.

This blog was for me to go back and read when I forget about who I am. I’m sharing it with you because I know I’m not the only one that feels this way. Thank you for always reading and being supportive.





Day 879 The one that got away

24 06 2015

Yesterday I had a tremendous honor of being able to go with the two members of the Rock Bottom team and head down to Jennings Louisiana and do a radio show on HLE radio: hleradio.com. We were able to give our testimony and tell about what Rock bottom was doing. It was pretty amazing to find out today that 61,500 people listened to the show. Just to know by telling our story that we were able to reach that many and possibly one person could change their life is truly and amazing God story. Through that I was kind of emotional. Sometimes just knowing what you have been delivered through can bring out your emotions. Most times the encouragement is great and it was yesterday. One of my friends said man nobody really knows you. They have no clue the stories and life you had to get you to the point of telling how you were sitting in front of a microphone. You have a blog, and this outlet and its time to start sharing those stories that are an amazing part of you so people can relate to how you got here. I thought a lot about it on our 6.5 drive home and so I will start sharing a few of those in my blog. By no means can I share all of them in a public forum Lord only knows what would happen. So I’ll share the clean stuff or what clean means to me. Some of you may have heard this story in my early blog career so bear with me:

The one who got away: In 1997 I had been dating a girl who I “loved” and thought I was going to marry. We had struggles like most relationships in college, but nothing I thought we couldn’t work through. We took a trip for Spring break in March of 1997 to Puerto Vallarta Mexico. I worked three jobs to pay for it so I truly earned it. To clear up this story pretty quickly. When we got  on the plane to come she dumped me on the plane. Needless to say this didn’t go well. Once we landed I took her to my place in a tirade we got her stuff and I dumped her back at the dorm. This was the start of my downfall. I had been drunk 4 times in my life up to that point and for the next 33 days I was drunk everyday. My heart was broken because MY first love broke my heart. I woke up in a field and had no clue how I had gotten there. I was on the Deans list and honor society in college and i flunked all of my classes that semester. It’s easy to do when you don’t go. I was broken way before then but the was the topper. Some days I woke up and had no clue how I got there or why this gross girl was next to me I usually didn’t know her name and truly didn’t care. At the end of May I had ballooned up to my highest weight ever at 370 lbs and trouble walking and breathing. I had a friend named Laz that just casually mentioned man do you remember when you used to be a bad ass and now you can’t even see your feet. Something sparked in me that day and I decided I had to get better. I enrolled in Summer school and started working out again. Another friend  from high school brought me out to Rugby and over the summer I lost 100 lbs from running until I puked. I looked like I never had in my life and the girls started noticing or at least the girls I wanted to. I started summer school and to say that I tried to punish every girl who came in contact with me because how my heart was broken would be an understand statement. Between summer school and December of that year I was with over 100 women but there was one. Here name was Rebecca G. we had a biology and lab class together. She reminded me of Winnie from the wonder years. She was pre med and home for the summer taking classes. I had a natural draw to her so much she was not one of the 100. I never touched her in that way. Were different I’m an extrovert and she was an introvert, but she was so smart and willing to do the things I did to learn. Over  period of time she stopped dating this guy and she wanted to concentrate on me only. I still drank too much and did things you just shouldn’t do to people. I was a horrible human and manipulated so many women and physically hurt so many men. Rugby was my group of dudes who lived on the edge and did things that you only read about in books. My life was good I thought but still hollow. At the beginning of November she was up for the weekend and we talked and I told her that I wanted her and her only, She said that she was in but I had to stop getting drunk or I was going to kill someone or myself. I promised her and I did. She even took me to meet her parents which they loved me because all parents did. I thought I had found the one until….

I was in a fraternity too during this time and I wanted to go to my last fraternity formal in December. I actually went solo because Rebecca was studying for finals. It was in Austin and she was in Georgetown. I promised by 12 I would be back in Georgetown and we would spend the night together. After getting to the formal I hadn’t drunk in 3 weeks and hadn’t been drunk for 6 weeks. so I  passed on the alcohol but finally around 7 I took a shot of Jim Beam and a bottle and half later I was so drunk I had to be fed at the formal, and I got licks from my little brother in the fraternity and don’t remember it. They try to hurt you so I was embarrassing drunk. They took my keys and wallet from me which I’m so glad they did. I  passed out and when I woke up it was 2:45 in the morning. I never called her and when I found my phone there were 15 missed calls and 7 voice mails. The one I remember said I hope you’re not dead please don’t be dead but if your alive it’s over. I called her 5 times and she answered and I told her I was on my way. She said she didn’t care and she wouldn’t open the door. I got to her place at 4 and I was sitting outside her window crying and begging her to let me in. She finally did and told me to close the door but don’t come any closer. She said you lied to me and I thought you were dead. I’ve cried for 5 hours and you couldn’t call. I explained myself all for not and she said it was time to go. She gave me back a bag of clothes and 3 cards I had given her. I made to trip back to Denton with my heart-broken for a second time and this time no way to stitch it up.

When school started again in January I got a pic from her. It was a date we took on a carriage ride in Highland park looking at Christmas lights. It said I really loved you but your so broken you can’t be loved. I will always think about you! That was it! You know the rest of the story or maybe you don’t. I found my ex-wife in January the same month I got the picture. I thought about her a lot. She was really good to me and I think up until this point one of the very few girls that truly loved me. 3 years ago after my divorced I found her and emailed . She was the Head Pediatric Dr. at Vanderbilt University which had been her dream. My email was long and hers was very short. She said Im truly sorry about your divorce I still think about you and  have always loved you.  Thats the story about the one that got away!!

Thank you





Day 879 The one that got away

23 06 2015

Yesterday I had a tremendous honor of being able to go with the two members of the Rock Bottom team and head down to Jennings Louisiana and do a radio show on HLE radio: hleradio.com. We were able to give our testimony and tell about what Rock bottom was doing. It was pretty amazing to find out today that 61,500 people listened to the show. Just to know by telling our story that we were able to reach that many and possibly one person could change their life is truly and amazing God story. Through that I was kind of emotional. Sometimes just knowing what you have been delivered through can bring out your emotions. Most times the encouragement is great and it was yesterday. One of my friends said man nobody really knows you. They have no clue the stories and life you had to get you to the point of telling how you were sitting in front of a microphone. You have a blog, and this outlet and its time to start sharing those stories that are an amazing part of you so people can relate to how you got here. I thought a lot about it on our 6.5 drive home and so I will start sharing a few of those in my blog. By no means can I share all of them in a public forum Lord only knows what would happen. So I’ll share the clean stuff or what clean means to me. Some of you may have heard this story in my early blog career so bear with me:

The one who got away: In 1997 I had been dating a girl who I “loved” and thought I was going to marry. We had struggles like most relationships in college, but nothing I thought we couldn’t work through. We took a trip for Spring break in March of 1997 to Puerto Vallarta Mexico. I worked three jobs to pay for it so I truly earned it. To clear up this story pretty quickly. When we got  on the plane to come she dumped me on the plane. Needless to say this didn’t go well. Once we landed I took her to my place in a tirade we got her stuff and I dumped her back at the dorm. This was the start of my downfall. I had been drunk 4 times in my life up to that point and for the next 33 days I was drunk everyday. My heart was broken because MY first love broke my heart. I woke up in a field and had no clue how I had gotten there. I was on the Deans list and honor society in college and i flunked all of my classes that semester. It’s easy to do when you don’t go. I was broken way before then but the was the topper. Some days I woke up and had no clue how I got there or why this gross girl was next to me I usually didn’t know her name and truly didn’t care. At the end of May I had ballooned up to my highest weight ever at 370 lbs and trouble walking and breathing. I had a friend named Laz that just casually mentioned man do you remember when you used to be a bad ass and now you can’t even see your feet. Something sparked in me that day and I decided I had to get better. I enrolled in Summer school and started working out again. Another friend  from high school brought me out to Rugby and over the summer I lost 100 lbs from running until I puked. I looked like I never had in my life and the girls started noticing or at least the girls I wanted to. I started summer school and to say that I tried to punish every girl who came in contact with me because how my heart was broken would be an understand statement. Between summer school and December of that year I was with over 100 women but there was one. Here name was Rebecca G. we had a biology and lab class together. She reminded me of Winnie from the wonder years. She was pre med and home for the summer taking classes. I had a natural draw to her so much she was not one of the 100. I never touched her in that way. Were different I’m an extrovert and she was an introvert, but she was so smart and willing to do the things I did to learn. Over  period of time she stopped dating this guy and she wanted to concentrate on me only. I still drank too much and did things you just shouldn’t do to people. I was a horrible human and manipulated so many women and physically hurt so many men. Rugby was my group of dudes who lived on the edge and did things that you only read about in books. My life was good I thought but still hollow. At the beginning of November she was up for the weekend and we talked and I told her that I wanted her and her only, She said that she was in but I had to stop getting drunk or I was going to kill someone or myself. I promised her and I did. She even took me to meet her parents which they loved me because all parents did. I thought I had found the one until….

I was in a fraternity too during this time and I wanted to go to my last fraternity formal in December. I actually went solo because Rebecca was studying for finals. It was in Austin and she was in Georgetown. I promised by 12 I would be back in Georgetown and we would spend the night together. After getting to the formal I hadn’t drunk in 3 weeks and hadn’t been drunk for 6 weeks. so I  passed on the alcohol but finally around 7 I took a shot of Jim Beam and a bottle and half later I was so drunk I had to be fed at the formal, and I got licks from my little brother in the fraternity and don’t remember it. They try to hurt you so I was embarrassing drunk. They took my keys and wallet from me which I’m so glad they did. I  passed out and when I woke up it was 2:45 in the morning. I never called her and when I found my phone there were 15 missed calls and 7 voice mails. The one I remember said I hope you’re not dead please don’t be dead but if your alive it’s over. I called her 5 times and she answered and I told her I was on my way. She said she didn’t care and she wouldn’t open the door. I got to her place at 4 and I was sitting outside her window crying and begging her to let me in. She finally did and told me to close the door but don’t come any closer. She said you lied to me and I thought you were dead. I’ve cried for 5 hours and you couldn’t call. I explained myself all for not and she said it was time to go. She gave me back a bag of clothes and 3 cards I had given her. I made to trip back to Denton with my heart-broken for a second time and this time no way to stitch it up.

When school started again in January I got a pic from her. It was a date we took on a carriage ride in Highland park looking at Christmas lights. It said I really loved you but your so broken you can’t be loved. I will always think about you! That was it! You know the rest of the story or maybe you don’t. I found my ex-wife in January the same month I got the picture. I thought about her a lot. She was really good to me and I think up until this point one of the very few girls that truly loved me. 3 years ago after my divorced I found her and emailed . She was the Head Pediatric Dr. at Vanderbilt University which had been her dream. My email was long and hers was very short. She said Im truly sorry about your divorce I still think about you and  have always loved you.  Thats the story about the one that got away!!

Thank you





Day 772 Why would you ever treat me that way

9 03 2015

I had a great weekend. I got to gamble a bit , I got to relax Saturday night which is a rarity and last night I got to see one of my favorite Comedians Jo Koy. I haven’t laughed so hard for a prolonged period in my life. He just let the show come to him and used the audience. He also went 35 minutes longer than he should have. It’s so true that laughing really does make you feel better.

One of my points to push me over the edge is cheating. If you want to see me angry then lets walk down that road together. Bottom-line: It is NEVER okay. I don’t care how you grew up, if your parents did it, if it was done to you, or you just can’t  deal with life or people, and you feel your just going to do it. It always starts, well Im not attracted to you anymore, I don’t love you anymore, you just don’t get me. The problem  with cheaters is that nothing will make them happy. Until they realize that they deserve love, willing to be loved and stop blaming everyone else for their problems they will stay that way. PEOPLE DO NOT MAKE OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY. NEVER EVER! they can enhance your life but you’re the only person in charge of your joy or happiness. When you start thinking that the flawed,broken, scared person you are with is going to not let you down, or make mistakes. Then when they do you decide well here’s another person always not loving me or letting me down.

I will be the first to say I have never cheated on anyone. I could never imagine going behind someones back destroying trust, loyalty, faith and love because I was such a miserable sack of crap that I couldn’t be honest and tell the person that I lost my feelings for you and we need to end it. I have never heard one person say. I’m so glad I cheated because when I had to look that person in the eye and tell them what I did it was so much easier telling them after the fact than before I did it. I understand pain! Physical mental and emotional pain. I have absorbed it all and dealt more of it out so I understand why people do dumb dumb crap.

I saw this twice this weekend. One person said to me please don’t judge me. Judge you no but you’re an asshole and what does it solve. Even it was happening on the other side two wrongs never made a right. Here’s what I always find the funniest. Do you actually think the cheater isn’t going to cheat on you one day. One you start its easy to keep going. Do you really believe that in the midst of a relationship and when it gets real that your so special that your worth not cheating on. If so I have the winning lottery numbers you can buy from me. You mask it, say the right thing etc.. People cheat because they can’t stand themselves. Sure you made mistakes but the cheater is miserable and they throw it on everyone because it’s what they know. If a cheater gets cheated on they are absolutely floored and astonished like how could this happen to me.

I wish I could solve this problem. I have two good friends going through this. It breaks my heart because the pain is horrible. No matter what you blame yourself and no matter you never get away with it. All I can ask if this: If your cheating stop right now and ask God to save your sorry butt, pray like you never have. Then go get help for your problems not your partners problem because all you can change is you. Finally if your about to pull those pants down pull them up, go to your partner and tell them I have lost feelings for you and I’m not interested in making it better between us but before I do something stupid we need to divorce. breakup etc.. That will hurt but not nearly has bad as a bold face lie and slap in the face. The scars that cheaters create run deep but they affect everyone around you especially. you think its hard to tell your spouse after the fact wait until you have to look your kids in the eye and tell them what a piece of crap you are. God always forgives, people not so much. Zip your pants and tighten your belt please.





Day 772 Why would you ever treat me that way

9 03 2015

I had a great weekend. I got to gamble a bit , I got to relax Saturday night which is a rarity and last night I got to see one of my favorite Comedians Jo Koy. I haven’t laughed so hard for a prolonged period in my life. He just let the show come to him and used the audience. He also went 35 minutes longer than he should have. It’s so true that laughing really does make you feel better.

One of my points to push me over the edge is cheating. If you want to see me angry then lets walk down that road together. Bottom-line: It is NEVER okay. I don’t care how you grew up, if your parents did it, if it was done to you, or you just can’t  deal with life or people, and you feel your just going to do it. It always starts, well Im not attracted to you anymore, I don’t love you anymore, you just don’t get me. The problem  with cheaters is that nothing will make them happy. Until they realize that they deserve love, willing to be loved and stop blaming everyone else for their problems they will stay that way. PEOPLE DO NOT MAKE OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY. NEVER EVER! they can enhance your life but you’re the only person in charge of your joy or happiness. When you start thinking that the flawed,broken, scared person you are with is going to not let you down, or make mistakes. Then when they do you decide well here’s another person always not loving me or letting me down.

I will be the first to say I have never cheated on anyone. I could never imagine going behind someones back destroying trust, loyalty, faith and love because I was such a miserable sack of crap that I couldn’t be honest and tell the person that I lost my feelings for you and we need to end it. I have never heard one person say. I’m so glad I cheated because when I had to look that person in the eye and tell them what I did it was so much easier telling them after the fact than before I did it. I understand pain! Physical mental and emotional pain. I have absorbed it all and dealt more of it out so I understand why people do dumb dumb crap.

I saw this twice this weekend. One person said to me please don’t judge me. Judge you no but you’re an asshole and what does it solve. Even it was happening on the other side two wrongs never made a right. Here’s what I always find the funniest. Do you actually think the cheater isn’t going to cheat on you one day. One you start its easy to keep going. Do you really believe that in the midst of a relationship and when it gets real that your so special that your worth not cheating on. If so I have the winning lottery numbers you can buy from me. You mask it, say the right thing etc.. People cheat because they can’t stand themselves. Sure you made mistakes but the cheater is miserable and they throw it on everyone because it’s what they know. If a cheater gets cheated on they are absolutely floored and astonished like how could this happen to me.

I wish I could solve this problem. I have two good friends going through this. It breaks my heart because the pain is horrible. No matter what you blame yourself and no matter you never get away with it. All I can ask if this: If your cheating stop right now and ask God to save your sorry butt, pray like you never have. Then go get help for your problems not your partners problem because all you can change is you. Finally if your about to pull those pants down pull them up, go to your partner and tell them I have lost feelings for you and I’m not interested in making it better between us but before I do something stupid we need to divorce. breakup etc.. That will hurt but not nearly has bad as a bold face lie and slap in the face. The scars that cheaters create run deep but they affect everyone around you especially. you think its hard to tell your spouse after the fact wait until you have to look your kids in the eye and tell them what a piece of crap you are. God always forgives, people not so much. Zip your pants and tighten your belt please.





Day 716 I finally found my life

13 01 2015

The trip is over and were home. 46.30 hours and 3360 miles. That my friends is a road-trip in 5 days and we even ate at a waffle house. I can’t tell you everything went on because some of it belongs to my friend Jim and I and the other reason is you wouldn’t understand.  When I write this blog tonight it’s very deep for me. There was so much purpose and meaning to it. I ask you to have an open mind and continue to pray for me as I continue to grow.

I never would have appreciated going on this trip three years ago. Seeing the Sequoia trees was a bucket list item but like most bucket list items in my life I complained and bitched that it wasn’t this or that etc.  God ALWAYS knows what he’s doing.  His timing is perfect even though I have told him many times he didn’t know what he was doing. National Geographic put an article out about the trees in April or May of 2014 and I mentioned to my buddy Jim how cool it would be to see the trees up close. So for my birthday he got us the trip and sat the date. We both love to drive and this was a perfect way to experience part of the country that we hadn’t seen. It causes you to slow down appreciate whats outside the window rather just flying, rushing to a rental car etc.. It allows you to have conversation and be real because what else do you have to do. Jim had never been to Vegas so we took that experience and if you ave never been to Vegas go. On the way we stopped at Hoover dam. Its amazing what we did building that and the amount of concrete and people it must have taken. I’m afraid of heights and we were out there 5 years ago and I couldn’t walk on the dam. I literally froze and my legs wouldn’t move. This time I walked on the entire left side crossed over the dam and walked down the right side. I was so proud of myself. I still had fear but I also had belief. I even leaned over the edge. Another small victory in my life. Something so amazing and not only did I overcome my fear I truly appreciated it. Friday we got to the Sequoia National Forest and it was dark and freezing. From the time we entered the park to our lodge we stayed it its only 23 miles but it takes 1:20 minutes to get there because of the curves and elevation. We were right at 7300 feet high. I’m so glad it was dark or I would have passed out seeing over the edge which I got to see when we left the lodge. at the lodge we had no cell service and the wi-fi would have been better with two tin cans. That’s another good thing because I wasn’t married to my phone like normal. So we ate dinner Friday night at the lodge tried to get adjusted to the elevation and settled in for the night. I went to bed being very anxious and I had no idea why.  I mean okay you’re going to see big trees so what. After breakfast we drove down the mountain and there were two trees in particular we wanted to see which were The Sherman (largest tree by diameter) and The President ( around 350 ft tall) Only thing was it was 2.5 mile round trip and even though I think I’m in good shape I wondered if I could make it as usual doubting myself. The Sherman is the first tree and there are no words or pics that can do the tree justice. its 36 feet in diameter. I was in absolute awe. There were a good number of people around that tree and a little further up the path but to see the President which is the one on front of National geographic we had to keep hiking. We took a few breaks to catch our breath, but as we continued up you couldn’t hear the cars below, nobody else was making the hike with us, and the snow on the ground was drowning out the other sounds of the forest. I boosted my buddy Jim up on a rock which was super high but he got up there and the pic was so great because he conquered it but he had accomplished so much more and that pic was proof for him.

President tree Burnt tree

As we got closer to The President tree we stopped talking to each other so much and it got quite but mostly my mind got quite. You look around the forest and there are broken branches many places where fire had burned the trees, but you saw new life, you saw trees that were 2-3 years old that were thriving and my mind just went quite. We finally get up to the president tree and you look up and almost fall over backwards trying to see up to the top.  Theres a bench that you can sit on to take a pics and I sat down. I sat and never in my life had I heard the quite that I did for the 5 minutes I sat there. Jim went up a hill to do his own thing and there I was then it hit me. I heard God and he said. I brought you here so you can see your life. You see the trees that are burnt but thriving that’s you. The forest fire blacked the trees but they don’t die. It is so proof that life can take broken and destroyed and make them new and better. Even the inside of the trees looked so burnt that there useless: I got to see the fallen pieces the parts that didn’t make it but there were little saplings 2-3 years old like my life sprinkled along the way but the big trees with burned marks, and missing bark we’re stronger and in awe to see. There were so many levels to them and I thought the only thing I was going to see were big trees but I saw my life. In the still of the moments I was there. I thanked God for not only this creation but bringing me half way across the United states to see out of so much destruction the beauty that can come out of it. The piece before Jim came down the hill is I looked up for the final time and either I wanted to hear it or I heard it but my dad said son I’m proud of you. I had told a few if only I could here my dad say that just one more time and that I did.

So I process all of this as we leave yesterday heading back its a lot to take in and I’m still in awe of what I feel and the peace that I have. I also got to see my ex wife’s family in Tucson last night for about 10 minutes. I really love them and they love me too. Its part of divorce that sucks when you miss family but it was the best 10 minutes. The hugs when we left were great and I got a few miles down the road and cried. I got to put to rest some fears about seeing them but also just letting family know I love them. They left me with some great words and I intend to remember them. Between Tucson and El PAso last night while Jim was sleeping and it was just literally me and the road I came to this realization.  For the first time in my 39 years I understand my life. It’s very simple: I was broken and will always be broken, I’m a sapling in my new life, Im a good man,  a good father and someone people love and respect me and that no matter what happens from this minute to the end of my life that will not change. God can and will take anything and only makes the most beautiful things out of the most broken. Yes life is that simple and I finally found my life in the quietest place that I had ever been and simply put thank you.

Thanks for allowing me to ramble but I needed to write this for myself so if I forget I can go back. It was my wow moment and here’s to you finding yours..








Matthew Winters (Honest Thoughts from a Pastor)

The life, ministry, & thoughts of a Christ-follower, husband, dad, & minister

LifeVersePoetry

Live. Love. Write.

My True North

A certain darkness is needed to see the stars.

Megha Bose

A peek into Megha's mind

jesussocial

Christian News, Devotional, Leadership, Church, Evangelism, Conference, Worship, Pastors , Bible, Gospel Music,Gospel,Salvation, GoodNews, Disciples, Cross,Winning, Love, Mercy,Bible Study,New Testament, Church,Matthew,Mark, Luke, John,Heart, Soul, Body,Mind,Spirit,Church History, Books, Pastorso, Evangelists. Teachers, Apostles, Healing, Leadership, Grace, Salvation, Faith,Lifestyle and Entertainment,

FAUZI

Invite Rizky FAUZI as Speaker - 08986800220 (Chat WA) | SUPPORT HAMIKU SUCCESS with SHARE IT | Setelah DIBACA timbal baliknya harus di-SHARE soalnya gak gratis... - RIZKY FAUZI

iksperimentalist

a collision of science and comedy

This is My Story, This is My Song.

This is my journey with faith, love, acceptance, redemption through God's incredible grace and mercy!

Surviving the affair....the cheaters perspective

I cheated. Yip I did it, I am not proud of it, but that won't change a thing. This is my story of me trying to survive one day at a time. No guarantees....

Light of Darkness

Every moment of light and dark is a miracle

%d bloggers like this: