Day 584 Lights are on but your not home

1 09 2014

My kids are growing up in front of me and so many times I miss them because I’m worrying about what I’m not doing right. Saturday I caught one. My kids were laughing out loud  about our dog and the voices I do for her. They both looked at me and laughed which is the best sound but My daughter just said thank you and my son said your cool daddy even though your chest is hairy. Well moments like that can stay with you for a while.

I don’t have much to blog about tonight because I have too much on my mind. This song by Staind called Realty is a very deep and thought-provoking song. I know someone reading this might need the words to get through. Music always speaks to my soul and here’s to your soul!!

The lights are on
But you’re not home
You’ve drifted off
Somewhere alone
Somewhere that’s safe
No questions here
A quiet place
Where you hide from your fears

Sometimes when you’re out of rope
The way to climb back up is clear
The walls you build around yourself
I guess they also keep you here
Are you afraid of what they think?
Whoever they happen to be
Or are you hiding from the scars of
Your own reality?

So you sedate
And drown in vain
You’ve got a pill
For every day
A suit and tie
To mask the truth
It’s ugly head
Is starting to show through

Sometimes when you’re out of rope
The way to climb back up’s unclear
The walls you build around yourself
I guess they also keep you here
Are you afraid of what they think?
Whoever they happen to be
Or are you hiding from the scars of
Your own reality?

The monster you’re feeding
Your lack of perception
The things that you do
To fulfill your addictions
The light at the end
Of your tunnel is closing
What is it that you’re so
Afraid of exposing?
You’d give it all up for
What’s there for the taking
Whatever it takes to
Keep your hands from shaking
The same things you’re thinking
Might make you feel better
The same things that probably
Got you here

Sometimes when you’re out of rope
The way to climb back up’s unclear
The walls you build around yourself
I guess they also keep you here
Are you afraid of what they think?
Whoever they happen to be
Or are you hiding from the scars of
Your own reality?

The monster you’re feeding
Your lack of perception
The things that you do
To fulfill your addictions
(Your own reality)
The light at the end
Of your tunnel is closing
What is it that you’re so
Afraid of exposing?
(Your own reality)
You’d give it all up for
What’s there for the taking
Whatever it takes to
Keep your hands from shaking
(Your own reality)
The same things you’re thinking
Might make you feel better
The same things that probably
Got you here

 





Day 77 Music and My soul

18 03 2013

We are home and tired but we got through the day pretty well. I did have a flat on my truck when we got home but I just laughed what can you do.  Im not sure whats worse the week after Spring break or Christmas. To many Zombie walkers today.  I had the server at Chick Fila drop my drink twice while getting me a refill and the lady at QT looked at me and twice and asked me what I needed. I said receipt she said its at the pump. So either people forgot caffeine or people were out of it.

I love road trips because of music. I love everything about music. The lyrics, the beat, the moment it takes me to or back to. My dad was best friends with Buddy Holly and played with the Crickets some. He was an amazing musician and so I know where I got the love of it. I never played an instrument I was to busy playing sports. I regret that more than anything now, but I’m starting to learn the piano so I can play the song by  Coldplay The Scientist.

I’m one of those who truly listens to everything. Classical, rap, R&B, hard rock, Adult Alternative, Country, Bagpipe,  Christian, you name it I listen to it. We all have that song that takes us back to that moment. Tuesday’s Gone is one of those songs, when I used to get drunk or just wanted to relax I play that song.  The Freshman from the Verve Pipe I played about 2000 times when I got drunk for 38 days straight after one of the girls I loved dumped me.  Yes 38 days in a row I was drunk. If I hear that song my mind goes back to that place. I wish it didn’t. NWA, Tu Pac,  Bone Thugs and Harmony. I hear those songs and remember some things I m not proud of but had one hellve a time. AC DC Thuderstruck makes me want to go through a wall.  anything by Jodeci makes me want to have sex. I hear Amazing Grace played by Bagpipes and remember the day my dad was laid to rest.

I know we all do but I want you to remember the words not just the beat. There are many people who write great music that you never have heard the words because you hear the beat. Aaron Lewis of Staind is an amazing writer. He had some women treat him like crap. I related and I heard his words and it was comforting to know someone else felt the way I did it also helped me to cope. Find the music that appeals to your soul feel it but hear it too. Lift a jambox over your head and play he music loud for that person you love!!





Day 73 I can do it

14 03 2013

This trip has been great so far. It’s amazing how much your kids grow up before your eyes and the things they will say. My kids have no governor comes from their dad so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. So far on this my daughter has told the Cajuns they talk funny, My son told the front desk lady at the hotel he likes boobs.  Wes topped at Waffle House in some God forsaken part of Louisiana and the Cajun accent was so rapent. Its awesome but I couldn’t understand anything they said. We saw dolphins today swimming about 15 feet from the bank. We also got to see the devastation still from Hurricane Katrina. So many places for sale. It was cold here today. My kids just had to get into the water so I let them and I did to. I’ve lost my private parts but I shall find them one day. Only thing missing was a crab biting me.

This may sound weird but I was fearful of this trip. I’ve been a single dad since may 2012 but I have never done a family vacation by myself. Its weird but I m being honest. You never see many single dads with just their kids. I know women love it had 3 mention today how refreshing it was to see.  I know you just do what you always do. It’s another part of the journey that you never know how to prepare for. I love the memories and what the next few days hold. I guess more than anything you never thought you would be on vacation single. It seemed everybody was a family and I was the only person being single with kids. I know that wasn’t true but it’s amazing what your brain can make you think. So I can do it and I’m doing it. I love being a dad so much and hopefully in the next few years I will love being a husband again.





Day 78 Old Tyler is Dying

8 11 2012

What a hell of  a day. From my daughter having to go to the Dr. for a tendon problem in her foot to the counseling appt. I had today. It was one of the hardest and most depressing counseling sessions I’ve  had in a long time. Now it was necessary everything I heard. It ended in a playful but not so much with me flipping off my counselor. We both laughed kind of but I didn’t want to.

We all go through seasons in life. We all know the seasons (Fall, Winter, Spring and Summer) Sometimes we never leave a season. I’m in the winter right now. Things are dying in the old me so when my spring comes I will have new blooms. After today I know I still have a lot of anger and maybe  more fear than I have ever had or maybe admitted.

Do remember the old pin cushions our mothers had.  You would see a hundred different pins in them and it seemed they were never used. My life is that pin cushion. I pulled out 100 of those pins in the past year  dropped them on the ground and that still leave holes in your heart. When you try to pick the pins up that you need to sustain a quality God-fearing life you stab the pins in your hands, you drop them on your foot. What I mean is you hurt yourself. You have to plug the wholes out when you empty your heart  (Pin cushion) but you can’t do it all at one time. I thought I was in my spring season of life but I got a dose of reality today that I m in winter and there are still parts of me dying off. Good thing is that they will die and I will be one hell of  a new blooming tree soon but this hurts. I want to believe or force myself to be in a new season of life but it only comes in God’s time and not mine. You would have thought I would have learned that already but I’m  still hard-headed.

Please know I m not writing for attention or sympathy. I just know if we are honest we all either have or will go through this. I want you to be prepared you cannot skip steps in healing. It’s always darkest before the dawn. My sun is coming up I just have to be patient. I started isolating myself again and getting away from what has helped me get to at least this point. I m going back to counseling weekly. Also I hear that the holidays suck for single people so I will need the support.

Love you pass this along.





Day 35 Money is my idol not God

24 09 2012

Getting ready for my second relationship class at Gateway church. This is so much better because its upbeat and happy I guess just part of the growing process.  A lot of people have asked have I found someone to date in this process. Actually no I m not looking. I know I have talked to a few that maybe are possible but I have a goal to get to first. At least the next time I will be prepared and ready for what the future holds.

I can say that I m so sore today that I didn’t quite know this morning how I was going to wipe. My shoulders feel like someone hit them with a bat but its a good pain. I know its weird. It the  whole warrior thing us men go through.

Also to Heather thank you for what you did today that was the nicest thing anyone has done for me in years.. I ve been blessed to meet some great people in the past months and thank you to them.

I m getting a pretty decent following of  bloggers following my blog and vice versa. This guy has some amazing photography that you can purchase it well worth going to his site and explore.

http://hikingphoto.com/2012/09/04/west-coast-trail/

 

After the message in church yesterday I know this to be a true statement. Money is what I worship and not God on the same level. I know I m a Christian but when it comes to money I try to handle that on my own. I ve been poor since 6th grade. My dad was disabled and my mother was a school teacher. They did their damnedest to provide and nobody knew we were poor. All of my Christmas gifts were in pawn shops. All piggy banks were broken and the money was rolled for bread and milk at times. You get used to be poor but you never want to stay there. I used to go over to peoples house I couldn’t stand just to have a meal. I m not looking for pity but trying to detail what I mean by money is my idol.

I was going to be a doctor. I started the program and went a year and decided I didn’t want to be that smart and I needed money. So I got a decent degree and got blessed with an outstanding job out of college make at little more than 50K a year. To much money for an ignorant money minded boy who had been poor. I had always said I will never be poor but thats where I put all of my focus and guess what after filing personal bankruptcy I had followed in my parents shoes and I was broke.. I used to have a fear of running out of things we would buy two of things even though the store was close. I would throw a fit if we ran out. I was so used not to having a things that when I became it would be different. I did what poor people when they come into money I spent it. Vacations, stuff, cars etc..  I have a chair and a PS3 from those days and that’s it. So my God was money. Thats what I worshiped. I would always pray God my finances are yours until he didn’t give me what I wanted and then I took it back over. So here I m  now and I struggle with money there are so many things I want to do and people I want to help but I still try and control. If we can learn to turn it over to God and not worry we will be provided for. Name the last time you worried about something that your worry fixed it. I know this is the pot calling the kettle black, but I need someone to help hold me accountable.

Also when someone tells you that money doesn’t buy happiness that’s crap.  Money can not make you content and fulfill your life. I know when I was sitting in St. Thomas drink tequilla I was pretty damn happy. I know what the statement means but if you chase the all mighty dollar you will be miserable because you will never catch it. Change your focus put God in control of those situations and I know he will give what we deserve.

I lost all of my money money can be made again. When I have a women tell me I will love if your a janitor I laugh. Thats right until we can’t pay a bill. Women have no idea the pressure we as men put on ourselves to be a provider. Just remember if you call out a man for being a crappy provider you might just pull off his private parts and hand them to him because inside you did.

 

Love ya all, Pass this on.








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