Day 1678 What happened- is this real Mom

18 10 2017

Good afternoon peeps. It has finally cooled off and my mood is good. You can actually go outside  and not need a shower immediately. Pumpkin spice is in full roar. I think I got 87 Octane pumpkin spice gasoline yesterday. It’s good for horsepower or something.

Today my mom would have been 75 years old. I wanted something poetic or breathtaking to honor her I’m not sure this will do it. I can’t believe this is your 2nd birthday without you.

There is no shock today like last year. It has set in your gone. It is more real than I could imagine. I shed my tears today but there are more smiles too. Your impact on this word is missed but the impact on us cannot be put into words. I fight this life harder now because I know more than anything that’s what you wanted. I try everyday to make you proud and honor you by trying to be like you.

When I walked into your room that morning and saw you weren’t  breathing but peaceful I knew that you were in a much better place but we still needed you. You touched so many lives as a Grammie, teacher, friend, sister, aunt but what you did for Meagan and I could never be measured. You were my best friend, at times my punching bag, you loved me when no one else did, had a way with words that other person could, you never left my side, you had a way of getting through my stubborn head in a way nobody could.
Life has not been the same, I hear your voice in everyday life and when things get tough saying never quit. You were the most amazing creation from God. I wish today you were calling me to tell me all about the flowers we bought you and all the colors in them and smell the white diamonds perfume on you.
I know your watching us with a smile and probably cooking for everyone on your birthday because that’s who you are.
These words are not enough with tears streaming and a broken heart just know you were my everything. I love you mom and thank you.
Happy birthday Billie Louise Wood.

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Day 958 My son cried on his birthday

11 09 2015

When you’re a parent the moments you think wow I did a good job are few and far between. I’ve  always been super hard on myself and now I’ve learned to be humble I rarely say anything good about me. Its just feels weird. Most of my close friends would tell you that I should try to give myself a bit of credit. Well  I spent years of taking from life it’s just better to give back and be quite. I have learned though its good to give God what he deserves so here is one of those moments.

B birthday 1 B birthday 2 B birthday 3

yesterday my son turned 7. I remember that we found out we were pregnant it was one of the toughest times in my life. I never appreciated him the way I should. I had lost my dad a few years before, I had just kicked my best friend out of my life and I was a mess with a capital M. I was excited that he was coming but I was like oh no another kid to screw up, I hope he doesn’t become me, what do I teach him. Will he see through my crap, and  a laundry list of other stuff that was just a bunch of lies. I truly have forgotten many of his early years I was so self-absorbed in me. I have pictures that help remind me but really that’s it. If you follow my blog you know the day I attempted suicide that when I got home I made a promise to be the best father I could be and would become.  So to get on to yesterday: I spoiled him no doubt but that’s my job, parent, teach, and spoil, rinse and repeat. My family came up they spoiled him too and he got Pokeman cards, wrestling cards, a football, a wrestler, cloths, legos, a video game and Disney Infinity Three with the Yoda figurine for the game. I would explain Infinity but just google it. It’s a video game system. We went through all the presents and saved the Infinity system for last because that’s wheat he wanted the most. I teased him and told him that he had too much other stuff so he didn’t get Infinity and we just needed to be grateful. ( I only did that because my parents did it to me). We get to last 2 presents and he opens the figure then I think he realized the next present was the infinity system. He yelled Oh my Gosh daddy then he comes over and gives me the tightest hug he has ever given me. If you see the pictures above. He started crying  while hugging me and said: Daddy I didn’t deserve all of this, your such a good daddy. He cried for at least three minutes. I told him how proud I was of him, that he did deserve it, that I was thankful to be his daddy, and he was an amazing little boy. I just held him because I didn’t want that moment to end. If you see the other pics the football he smiled and the other pic shows the tears in his eyes with his Infinity.

When something like that happens I can look at all the bad I had done in my past or I can look at the here and now. My amazing family, my beautiful loving teenage daughter and my son. That was so humbled at 7 that he said that he didn’t deserve the gift and he’s sensitive enough to know its okay to cry in front of others. No matter my mistakes who I am today is what matters. The past helped shape me but my today is what makes me. I know when I pray everyday for my kids and ask God to give me wisdom. He has heard my prayers and now allows me to speak the correct words and not mine.  So yes I’m giving myself credit today. The most important job for a man is to raise his kids. If I or we don’t the world will and that leads to Rock Bottom.
To the smartest, funniest, most loving, hugging, wittiest boy I know, I love you Brayden Wood. Big thank you to my sister for snapping the photos and caring so much for us.





Day 958 My son cried on his birthday

10 09 2015

When you’re a parent the moments you think wow I did a good job are few and far between. I’ve  always been super hard on myself and now I’ve learned to be humble I rarely say anything good about me. Its just feels weird. Most of my close friends would tell you that I should try to give myself a bit of credit. Well  I spent years of taking from life it’s just better to give back and be quite. I have learned though its good to give God what he deserves so here is one of those moments.

B birthday 1 B birthday 2 B birthday 3

yesterday my son turned 7. I remember that we found out we were pregnant it was one of the toughest times in my life. I never appreciated him the way I should. I had lost my dad a few years before, I had just kicked my best friend out of my life and I was a mess with a capital M. I was excited that he was coming but I was like oh no another kid to screw up, I hope he doesn’t become me, what do I teach him. Will he see through my crap, and  a laundry list of other stuff that was just a bunch of lies. I truly have forgotten many of his early years I was so self-absorbed in me. I have pictures that help remind me but really that’s it. If you follow my blog you know the day I attempted suicide that when I got home I made a promise to be the best father I could be and would become.  So to get on to yesterday: I spoiled him no doubt but that’s my job, parent, teach, and spoil, rinse and repeat. My family came up they spoiled him too and he got Pokeman cards, wrestling cards, a football, a wrestler, cloths, legos, a video game and Disney Infinity Three with the Yoda figurine for the game. I would explain Infinity but just google it. It’s a video game system. We went through all the presents and saved the Infinity system for last because that’s wheat he wanted the most. I teased him and told him that he had too much other stuff so he didn’t get Infinity and we just needed to be grateful. ( I only did that because my parents did it to me). We get to last 2 presents and he opens the figure then I think he realized the next present was the infinity system. He yelled Oh my Gosh daddy then he comes over and gives me the tightest hug he has ever given me. If you see the pictures above. He started crying  while hugging me and said: Daddy I didn’t deserve all of this, your such a good daddy. He cried for at least three minutes. I told him how proud I was of him, that he did deserve it, that I was thankful to be his daddy, and he was an amazing little boy. I just held him because I didn’t want that moment to end. If you see the other pics the football he smiled and the other pic shows the tears in his eyes with his Infinity.

When something like that happens I can look at all the bad I had done in my past or I can look at the here and now. My amazing family, my beautiful loving teenage daughter and my son. That was so humbled at 7 that he said that he didn’t deserve the gift and he’s sensitive enough to know its okay to cry in front of others. No matter my mistakes who I am today is what matters. The past helped shape me but my today is what makes me. I know when I pray everyday for my kids and ask God to give me wisdom. He has heard my prayers and now allows me to speak the correct words and not mine.  So yes I’m giving myself credit today. The most important job for a man is to raise his kids. If I or we don’t the world will and that leads to Rock Bottom.
To the smartest, funniest, most loving, hugging, wittiest boy I know, I love you Brayden Wood. Big thank you to my sister for snapping the photos and caring so much for us.





Day 467: What these eyes have seen

12 05 2014

I wish some days I was blogging more but I do enjoy it. Sometimes I have too much to blog about and sometimes not enough at all. Another fabulous mothers day celebrated along with my daughter’s birthday today. I’m trying so hard to appreciate my mom with her being older and her Parkinson. My daughter is almost a teenager and I’m appreciating at times how sweet she is before the transition starts to A TEENAGER.  I miss my kids so much the weeks I don’t have them that were so tired on Sunday night because we stay so busy.I think Im going to make this a two-part blog: Some of this you have heard before at the beginning and some is new. This is why I blog. I have seen ALOT Good and bad and each story of what I have seen with my eyes allows me to have a different idea or words to blog about my life. Im never really empty of  ideas but sometimes just can’t get them typed out. This blog started because my mom asked me this weekend what I had been envolved with and seen in my life! I swallowed hard and told her some of it.What these eyes have seen: I will start in 6th grade: A girl I called my girlfriend whatever it is at that age got decapitated in a car accident. I saw here before the funeral and how the head was stitched back on to this day the picture stays in my head. I broke my leg and it changed my life forever. I didn’t know it then but my life struggles started then. My first kiss I remember was in the hallway of this old dinge jr high we went to. I think my feet left the ground on the kiss and I thought I was in love. Little did I know how in Jr. high that love last about 2 days. Felt my first supposed heart-break. My first sense of violence I got in a fight where the kid landed the first 3 punches and it hurt but I got one and it was over. I liked the feeling of hurting someone. If I would have been smart enough I would have known that my anger of my life changing was at that moment.  I got my first hug from an 8th grade teacher that wasn’t from family and they told me that they were proud of me. It was the first time that I realized people didn’t care for just themselves. I got my first real job cleaning manure at a dairy and was the first time I realized I had to go to college. Especially the day it rained and I fell face first into it.  When my dad came home and was laid off and he never worked again. He was disabled and everything in my life went from good to horrible. When I worked to pay for my family, when the innocence of being a boy left and the anger of a man took over. When everything you had gotten at Christmas or birthdays was pawned or sold. It’s tough to know your stuff that made you happy was making someone else happy. When you go to someone elses house that you can’t stand just so you can eat a meal and not feel like a burden on your family. When you can’t stay healthy so you can play a sport that will “get you out” of the mess you hate. When you see the strongest woman you know cry for the first time and hate your dad because he couldn’t fix it so you would never have to see your mom cry again. When you have your first sexual experience and you have a girl tell you she loves you but you ignore her because you’re hurting to bad inside to let anything love you.  A happy time when you find 30 on the sidewalk and that provides your family bread and milk. A happy time for me always was that no matter how bad things got nobody knew we were poor. My mom could clean anything out of our cloths and she sold everything she had to make sure people know we were taken care of. How every birthday or Christmas I felt like it I won the lottery because I got one or two gifts. When my parents knew the responsibility that I was under but stopped me and made me look them in the eye and they always said they were proud of me.I’ll start again in the next blog. Thanks for always reading.

via Day 467: What these eyes have seen.





Day 467: What these eyes have seen

12 05 2014

I wish some days I was blogging more but I do enjoy it. Sometimes I have too much to blog about and sometimes not enough at all. Another fabulous mothers day celebrated along with my daughter’s birthday today. I’m trying so hard to appreciate my mom with her being older and her Parkinson. My daughter is almost a teenager and I’m appreciating at times how sweet she is before the transition starts to A TEENAGER.  I miss my kids so much the weeks I don’t have them that were so tired on Sunday night because we stay so busy.

I think Im going to make this a two-part blog: Some of this you have heard before at the beginning and some is new. This is why I blog. I have seen ALOT Good and bad and each story of what I have seen with my eyes allows me to have a different idea or words to blog about my life. Im never really empty of  ideas but sometimes just can’t get them typed out. This blog started because my mom asked me this weekend what I had been envolved with and seen in my life! I swallowed hard and told her some of it.

What these eyes have seen: I will start in 6th grade: A girl I called my girlfriend whatever it is at that age got decapitated in a car accident. I saw here before the funeral and how the head was stitched back on to this day the picture stays in my head. I broke my leg and it changed my life forever. I didn’t know it then but my life struggles started then. My first kiss I remember was in the hallway of this old dinge jr high we went to. I think my feet left the ground on the kiss and I thought I was in love. Little did I know how in Jr. high that love last about 2 days. Felt my first supposed heart-break. My first sense of violence I got in a fight where the kid landed the first 3 punches and it hurt but I got one and it was over. I liked the feeling of hurting someone. If I would have been smart enough I would have known that my anger of my life changing was at that moment.  I got my first hug from an 8th grade teacher that wasn’t from family and they told me that they were proud of me. It was the first time that I realized people didn’t care for just themselves. I got my first real job cleaning manure at a dairy and was the first time I realized I had to go to college. Especially the day it rained and I fell face first into it.  When my dad came home and was laid off and he never worked again. He was disabled and everything in my life went from good to horrible. When I worked to pay for my family, when the innocence of being a boy left and the anger of a man took over. When everything you had gotten at Christmas or birthdays was pawned or sold. It’s tough to know your stuff that made you happy was making someone else happy. When you go to someone elses house that you can’t stand just so you can eat a meal and not feel like a burden on your family. When you can’t stay healthy so you can play a sport that will “get you out” of the mess you hate. When you see the strongest woman you know cry for the first time and hate your dad because he couldn’t fix it so you would never have to see your mom cry again. When you have your first sexual experience and you have a girl tell you she loves you but you ignore her because you’re hurting to bad inside to let anything love you.  A happy time when you find 30 on the sidewalk and that provides your family bread and milk. A happy time for me always was that no matter how bad things got nobody knew we were poor. My mom could clean anything out of our cloths and she sold everything she had to make sure people know we were taken care of. How every birthday or Christmas I felt like it I won the lottery because I got one or two gifts. When my parents knew the responsibility that I was under but stopped me and made me look them in the eye and they always said they were proud of me.

I’ll start again in the next blog. Thanks for always reading.





Day 467: What these eyes have seen

11 05 2014

I wish some days I was blogging more but I do enjoy it. Sometimes I have too much to blog about and sometimes not enough at all. Another fabulous mothers day celebrated along with my daughter’s birthday today. I’m trying so hard to appreciate my mom with her being older and her Parkinson. My daughter is almost a teenager and I’m appreciating at times how sweet she is before the transition starts to A TEENAGER.  I miss my kids so much the weeks I don’t have them that were so tired on Sunday night because we stay so busy.

I think Im going to make this a two-part blog: Some of this you have heard before at the beginning and some is new. This is why I blog. I have seen ALOT Good and bad and each story of what I have seen with my eyes allows me to have a different idea or words to blog about my life. Im never really empty of  ideas but sometimes just can’t get them typed out. This blog started because my mom asked me this weekend what I had been envolved with and seen in my life! I swallowed hard and told her some of it.

What these eyes have seen: I will start in 6th grade: A girl I called my girlfriend whatever it is at that age got decapitated in a car accident. I saw here before the funeral and how the head was stitched back on to this day the picture stays in my head. I broke my leg and it changed my life forever. I didn’t know it then but my life struggles started then. My first kiss I remember was in the hallway of this old dinge jr high we went to. I think my feet left the ground on the kiss and I thought I was in love. Little did I know how in Jr. high that love last about 2 days. Felt my first supposed heart-break. My first sense of violence I got in a fight where the kid landed the first 3 punches and it hurt but I got one and it was over. I liked the feeling of hurting someone. If I would have been smart enough I would have known that my anger of my life changing was at that moment.  I got my first hug from an 8th grade teacher that wasn’t from family and they told me that they were proud of me. It was the first time that I realized people didn’t care for just themselves. I got my first real job cleaning manure at a dairy and was the first time I realized I had to go to college. Especially the day it rained and I fell face first into it.  When my dad came home and was laid off and he never worked again. He was disabled and everything in my life went from good to horrible. When I worked to pay for my family, when the innocence of being a boy left and the anger of a man took over. When everything you had gotten at Christmas or birthdays was pawned or sold. It’s tough to know your stuff that made you happy was making someone else happy. When you go to someone elses house that you can’t stand just so you can eat a meal and not feel like a burden on your family. When you can’t stay healthy so you can play a sport that will “get you out” of the mess you hate. When you see the strongest woman you know cry for the first time and hate your dad because he couldn’t fix it so you would never have to see your mom cry again. When you have your first sexual experience and you have a girl tell you she loves you but you ignore her because you’re hurting to bad inside to let anything love you.  A happy time when you find 30 on the sidewalk and that provides your family bread and milk. A happy time for me always was that no matter how bad things got nobody knew we were poor. My mom could clean anything out of our cloths and she sold everything she had to make sure people know we were taken care of. How every birthday or Christmas I felt like it I won the lottery because I got one or two gifts. When my parents knew the responsibility that I was under but stopped me and made me look them in the eye and they always said they were proud of me.

I’ll start again in the next blog. Thanks for always reading.





Day 17 Go Cowboys

7 09 2012

Well if you don’t know I m a giant Cowboys fan. I feel something good about them this year. It was surprising they won in NY but I ll take it. With all the life changes I m not living and breathing it anymore but it was a good stress release last night.

My kids are back with their mom and it breaks my heart every time I drop them off. I miss them so much and one and two phone calls a day just doesn’t cut it. This weekend my son turns 4. We have the first big family function. I know that everybody is dreading but I m not. I have nothing to hang my head about. I just hope everyone remembers that this is for my son and not anyone else. My son is so excited about being 4. I wonder what the magic number is that we wish we would stop getting older.  He’s so excited about his birthday but the presents are what he’s most concerned with.

I have really been practicing what I m preaching about lessons learned and smiling even when you don’t want to is paying off. 2 people mentioned today that do you know you smile all the time. I laughed and said I do know but if you only knew. It take practice but its working. Went to a great meeting tonight one of the things that stuck out to me was the someday.  My parents always said someday we will go fishing there or travel to Europe etc.. I found myself doing the same thing in my marriage. Some day we will have this house, or some day we will go on this vacation. That someday never came. I finding a group of people to hold me accountable to this day. My life will change and I won’t live anymore saying someday I will do this or that. Hop on board its going to be a great ride.

Today I had two people tell me I should write a book. That I was a great writer. Well if you speak to Mrs. Fort my English teacher in high school she would speak differently about that. I really enjoy doing this. It truly helps me and I still believe it helps others.  The circumstances for writing this suck but the outcome is really good.

Loneliness is a killer. We all have to learn t0do it. When my kids are gone I light a candle and turn off all the lights and embrace my loneliness, I pray, I answer myself but mostly I think about how I can correct my wrongs. The world we live in is so fast paced.  Stop and listen to yourself. It will scare you but there is a  lot of good you can get out of it.

If you have something you want me to talk about let me know. I have my first international blog follower who asked I speak about Horses and Cows since I m from Texas. I hate that stereotype. So I told him we ride horses and eat cows and I would think of more to say about that later.

 

 

 








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