Day 1690 Will you open my chest please

30 10 2017

Yesterday I had a lot of thinking going on. My mind wandered and I couldn’t reel it back in. When I get emotional I like to drive. Lucky for me and my son the weather was great. We rolled down the windows. I made him put the tablet down and I put my phone away. He asked what we were going to drive and think and spend time together. He said that’s weird but okay. We were both quiet for a bit and he said the sun feels different today daddy. I said what do you mean he said its a happy sun. I just smiled and rubbed his head. During the drive I gave him some life pointers on things to do and not do. Like stop and take a deep breath and feel the happy sun. Never make someone feel bad. We have a favorite song we listen to so we played it over and over and I thought a lot.

If you could open up my  chest and see whats inside would you run, marvel at the mess was in there. Would you run your fingers across the scars and wish to heal them. Would you laugh or be appalled  at the places Iv been. The lies I told you and myself.

I thought a lot about what I’m trying to do, why I get “stuck” why I get shy and nobody knows, why Im on phone too much, why I wont reach out knowing that’s exactly what I need. The painful moments that added up to me wanting to leave this world and all the people alone. That when people I hurt I truly hurt, when I need to be cheered up most people can’t because where they are that day.

I then thought about how I love to hug people, I remember almost all of  my hugs. The transfer of love and feelings in a hug even for a few seconds makes me happy, that being in love is truly the best feeling a person can have. The sense of pride I feel looking at my kids cannot be matched. I love to sing and even get compliments sometimes, the moments when my family growing up got to spend holidays together. I love when dogs curl up with you.  When I see someone accomplish they didn’t believe they could I want to just cheer so loud. The power of a kiss, the power of words used in a positive way to change someones broken heart.

Just some random ramblings because writing them down helps me. Thanks for reading.

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Day 1615 Lets get naked

6 08 2017

First I want to thank you all for reading this blog. It’s so cool that people all over the world can read this. Looking at all the countries I wonder if I weird in foreign countries too.

Second I get a lot what does the day in your title mean. Well in this case 1615 days ago I started a car trip to Virginia by myself. to see one of my closet friends. I prayed and promised myself that my life would change for the better starting that day and would never be the same. So here we are 1615 days later. Its been one hell of a roller coaster but its been a blast.

I hope the title got you to read! I have been the physical naked more times that you want to hear. It was the only way I knew to love for the longest time or feel I was important. I hurt so many women over the years. It wasn’t purposeful just thought being naked meant I was enough. So shirt off,pants off and you liked me.

I hope for most of us with age comes wisdom, if not you hit your rock bottom and I promise you get wiser or you get buried.  I learned that not only does my value not coming from being physically naked but you want someone to love, like, or respect you: LETS GET REALLY NAKED. I hate small talk every bit of it, I could care less what’s up! I’m going to give or get a generic answer anyway so why I ask. The naked I want is the soul bearing, tear filled, biggest smile type of naked, clothes on or off I don’t care. I want to talk about: death, aliens, birthdays cake, what makes you cry, why you became insecure, why you fake it, music, the meaning of life,  the lies you live, your favorite smells, the quirks that nobody knows because you feel you’ll be judged, your childhood, your first crush, why you watch the ceiling fan spin at night, why does asparagus make your pee smell so bad, why you don’t like peanuts but love peanut butter. I want to know your emotions, what your depth is. Why you’re twisted.  I learned not to judge but question. When you know someone who is  feeling that,  that feeling only comes from God. if you know me and say you’re the weirdest person I know but I love your soul. Mission accomplished!

Don’t get me wrong I love the physical naked but learning what it takes to be real makes relationships powerful. I know you can’t get naked with everyone because most wont get it and that’s okay. So to me from you let’s get naked. Real is exposing your soul and not giving a damn! I’m ready for the real naked time!!

Thanks for reading

 





Day 856 Is everyone here make believe

1 06 2015

Another weekend without baseball makes my son frustrated. He said doesn’t God understand were trying to be championship and you can’t  do that sitting at home. The rain is finally stopping for a week and I it’s so far past time. We are full of water and now the mosquitoes will feast on my head and my tasty blood. If you see me bringing out the saddle it’s not for the horses its to tame a swarm of mosquitoes. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve said today but hope you smiled if not I’ll try harder!!

Growing up in the country we had a lot of ideal time. We had 50 acres of land and very few friends that lived close. So I had an imaginary friend named Roscoe and when there was nobody to play with I had Roscoe and my dog Rusty. We played everything from cops and robbers, to make-believe, anything the world was our  playground. Make believe was great because you could always be something you couldn’t normally be. I have always been opinionated and outspoken my whole life. Sometimes that has paid off and sometimes I wish I would have just been quite. In my quite times I learned not to be real with what I thought and felt. A very select few got to know my deepest thoughts and that carried even into my marriage. Roscoe my imaginary friend knew things when I was little but then since I was such and individual and liked to live on the island of me, I sank with my deepest thoughts into the depths of my soul. They stayed there until August of 2011 when I unleashed them with my attempted suicide. After going to counseling and studying and learning and fighting everything that I felt right it was time to get real!! I will talk about any and everything. Things that most people want to hide and wont even touch that part of their soul. Why do you it? I ve been asked more than I can count. My answer is always: for me its all I know. The truth will set you free and now I know what that truly means.

Last night I was having a drink with my buddy and he went to talk to someone else and I was left outside at this pub and just enjoying not talking to anyone but being there and a college friend pops out of nowhere. After the typical questions you get when you hadn’t seen someone in a while. He said You were always real and I wish I could have done that. I tried to explain well I really wasn’t but he stopped and said do you think everyone here is playing make-believe. I said yes absolutely and I knew exactly what he meant.

I have 3 people in my life that have shared the innermost parts of their heart a soul. I mean that crap that scares people so bad that they cringe or get squirmy in your seat. I could tell you things that you wouldn’t believe or want to you. My buddy last night said we’ve been friends for 5 years and every time you can tell me something that’s almost impossible to believe but people back it up and agree it happened.  I lived in a fake world and it literally almost took my life. So whats the point:

I don’t expect anyone to be like me, if you feel in bondage and your life not changing then why not try to stop playing make-believe. People see through your crap. They may never say a word but when you reach a certain age you just know ALL people have struggles and seasons no matter how many beautiful dresses they try to put in their life. God has seen everything I have done. Its embarrassing but he sent Jesus to die for my stupidity and sins so who am I trying to impress. No matter what I do I will get judge good or bad, I will be put on a pedestal and knocked off of it. I will feel worthless some days and others on top of the world. My job is no longer to try to impress you. Sure I want you to say man that guy is freaking amazing but then that’s just feeding my stupid ego. All I’m asking is if you want to be in my life boat I need all of you. yes even that part of you because that’s what I understand. It’s sad how amazing some people truly are and hide it based on past relationships, the thoughts of somebody else or what you tell yourself everyday in the mirror. I stink at make-believe but I’m really good at being real. Just remember that you can put a dress on a pig but it’s still a pig no matter aspect of make-believe you play.





Day 856 Is everyone here make believe

31 05 2015

Another weekend without baseball makes my son frustrated. He said doesn’t God understand were trying to be championship and you can’t  do that sitting at home. The rain is finally stopping for a week and I it’s so far past time. We are full of water and now the mosquitoes will feast on my head and my tasty blood. If you see me bringing out the saddle it’s not for the horses its to tame a swarm of mosquitoes. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve said today but hope you smiled if not I’ll try harder!!

Growing up in the country we had a lot of ideal time. We had 50 acres of land and very few friends that lived close. So I had an imaginary friend named Roscoe and when there was nobody to play with I had Roscoe and my dog Rusty. We played everything from cops and robbers, to make-believe, anything the world was our  playground. Make believe was great because you could always be something you couldn’t normally be. I have always been opinionated and outspoken my whole life. Sometimes that has paid off and sometimes I wish I would have just been quite. In my quite times I learned not to be real with what I thought and felt. A very select few got to know my deepest thoughts and that carried even into my marriage. Roscoe my imaginary friend knew things when I was little but then since I was such and individual and liked to live on the island of me, I sank with my deepest thoughts into the depths of my soul. They stayed there until August of 2011 when I unleashed them with my attempted suicide. After going to counseling and studying and learning and fighting everything that I felt right it was time to get real!! I will talk about any and everything. Things that most people want to hide and wont even touch that part of their soul. Why do you it? I ve been asked more than I can count. My answer is always: for me its all I know. The truth will set you free and now I know what that truly means.

Last night I was having a drink with my buddy and he went to talk to someone else and I was left outside at this pub and just enjoying not talking to anyone but being there and a college friend pops out of nowhere. After the typical questions you get when you hadn’t seen someone in a while. He said You were always real and I wish I could have done that. I tried to explain well I really wasn’t but he stopped and said do you think everyone here is playing make-believe. I said yes absolutely and I knew exactly what he meant.

I have 3 people in my life that have shared the innermost parts of their heart a soul. I mean that crap that scares people so bad that they cringe or get squirmy in your seat. I could tell you things that you wouldn’t believe or want to you. My buddy last night said we’ve been friends for 5 years and every time you can tell me something that’s almost impossible to believe but people back it up and agree it happened.  I lived in a fake world and it literally almost took my life. So whats the point:

I don’t expect anyone to be like me, if you feel in bondage and your life not changing then why not try to stop playing make-believe. People see through your crap. They may never say a word but when you reach a certain age you just know ALL people have struggles and seasons no matter how many beautiful dresses they try to put in their life. God has seen everything I have done. Its embarrassing but he sent Jesus to die for my stupidity and sins so who am I trying to impress. No matter what I do I will get judge good or bad, I will be put on a pedestal and knocked off of it. I will feel worthless some days and others on top of the world. My job is no longer to try to impress you. Sure I want you to say man that guy is freaking amazing but then that’s just feeding my stupid ego. All I’m asking is if you want to be in my life boat I need all of you. yes even that part of you because that’s what I understand. It’s sad how amazing some people truly are and hide it based on past relationships, the thoughts of somebody else or what you tell yourself everyday in the mirror. I stink at make-believe but I’m really good at being real. Just remember that you can put a dress on a pig but it’s still a pig no matter aspect of make-believe you play.








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