Day 920 This is what I don’t have

3 08 2015

This morning one of my friends got baptized and I cried. With change comes a heart of compassion. I remember being dunked in the water last year and what it symbolized for me. My friend Chris has had his fair share of crap that he brought on but also things that he didn’t ask for. There was a  group of the churches youth up by the baptism water and a boy turned around and said sir why are you crying. I said I can’t explain it unless you’ve been there but that is what you call rising through the ashes. I hope you never get there but if you do remember God never leaves us! Pretty good little Sunday if I do say so.

This is what I don’t have!! Okay Im not going to write what I don’t have sorry to let you down but Im going to write about the good I have in my life. This blog came on from a meme that I had saved on my phone. I was looking for a little encouragement yesterday after driving around for about 3 hrs cleaning my brain. I always used to be a glass half empty guy but im learning that its better to have a little than none at all.

Remember when

Its coming up on three years since my divorce and I won’t forget the way I felt standing in that courthouse. I had no idea which way was going to be up. I didn’t know how to be a dad, how to function on my own.  I doubted my self every second of everyday. Now almost three years later, sure I still doubt but it’s so many fewer times. Every time I turn it over to God its goes the way it should. I have won so many battles but not with people because if we win those we actually lose. I’m talking about the battles of the mind that tell us you’re not lovable, worthy, your not good at ABC. 3 years ago I feared my own shadow and now I welcome its company. I was reminded last night of things I forget about myself and about who I am and what I’ve overcome. It’s always easy everyday to wake up and say I can’t do this or I haven’t made any real changes. I would beg you to start everyday listing one or two things that you have overcome,  a fear your overcoming, a battle within you that you have conquered. Your doing such an amazing job compared to what you think you are. For me, Everyday to be the best father and never be selfish,  I’m learning to love me, I have a heart for God, to do something good everyday, to help at the drop of the hat to be there for someone, my fear of not being lovable, I slowly learning that be by myself is okay. Sometimes just keeping my head above water and not tucking tail and running.  Providing you hope when you feel there is none is what I like the most. So today stop and recognize the things you have done and where you’re at compared to just one year ago. Be proud of yourself if that means  you were at your rock bottom or there now , it only goes up from here. I’m living proof that the most broken, worst self esteem, pathetic man full of excuses can change and its been so worth it.

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Day 920 This is what I don’t have

2 08 2015

This morning one of my friends got baptized and I cried. With change comes a heart of compassion. I remember being dunked in the water last year and what it symbolized for me. My friend Chris has had his fair share of crap that he brought on but also things that he didn’t ask for. There was a  group of the churches youth up by the baptism water and a boy turned around and said sir why are you crying. I said I can’t explain it unless you’ve been there but that is what you call rising through the ashes. I hope you never get there but if you do remember God never leaves us! Pretty good little Sunday if I do say so.

This is what I don’t have!! Okay Im not going to write what I don’t have sorry to let you down but Im going to write about the good I have in my life. This blog came on from a meme that I had saved on my phone. I was looking for a little encouragement yesterday after driving around for about 3 hrs cleaning my brain. I always used to be a glass half empty guy but im learning that its better to have a little than none at all.

Remember when

Its coming up on three years since my divorce and I won’t forget the way I felt standing in that courthouse. I had no idea which way was going to be up. I didn’t know how to be a dad, how to function on my own.  I doubted my self every second of everyday. Now almost three years later, sure I still doubt but it’s so many fewer times. Every time I turn it over to God its goes the way it should. I have won so many battles but not with people because if we win those we actually lose. I’m talking about the battles of the mind that tell us you’re not lovable, worthy, your not good at ABC. 3 years ago I feared my own shadow and now I welcome its company. I was reminded last night of things I forget about myself and about who I am and what I’ve overcome. It’s always easy everyday to wake up and say I can’t do this or I haven’t made any real changes. I would beg you to start everyday listing one or two things that you have overcome,  a fear your overcoming, a battle within you that you have conquered. Your doing such an amazing job compared to what you think you are. For me, Everyday to be the best father and never be selfish,  I’m learning to love me, I have a heart for God, to do something good everyday, to help at the drop of the hat to be there for someone, my fear of not being lovable, I slowly learning that be by myself is okay. Sometimes just keeping my head above water and not tucking tail and running.  Providing you hope when you feel there is none is what I like the most. So today stop and recognize the things you have done and where you’re at compared to just one year ago. Be proud of yourself if that means  you were at your rock bottom or there now , it only goes up from here. I’m living proof that the most broken, worst self esteem, pathetic man full of excuses can change and its been so worth it.

 

 





Day 863 Just let me quit

7 06 2015

Have you ever walked into a warm wet blanket. If not come to Texas now. Its hit 95 for three days in row and since we still have standing water everywhere it’s so humid. Parts of my body stick together that just shouldn’t. Since I’m bald when I sweat it looks like the beads of sweat are having races down my head. Anyway it’s hot we knew it was going to be but it just slapped us all  in the face like when I used to talk back to my mom. Its hurts!! Carry on!!

I always wanted to help people. When you help people you only picture the good that comes from helping. You really never see when lives go haywire, or people die and take their own life. I have been very blessed to get in front of 1 or 1000 and tell my story. I only know its powerful and life changing because I get told every now and then. We get to spend a lot of times with Addicts in Rock Bottom Outreach. All of us were an addict in some form or fashion so we know the brain and thoughts of addicts and what addictions can do. It can be one of the best life altering moments when someones light bulb comes on and they change their life. All I or we do is open our mouth and tell our story. God takes over from there. Seriously if we took anymore credit then its about us and I’ve played that game. I lost at it every time.  What hurts the most when the light bulb goes out and it doesn’t come back on!

Last Wednesday we lost another brother. In February we had an event where we cooked hot dogs and hamburgers and our friend showed up drunk. The great thing about him was that even though he wasn’t comfortable in his own skin he showed up to serve God drunk and all. He never hid from his demons but he couldn’t rid him self of them either. Our director and I talked that he was going down the path of suicide and what more could we do. The answer is what we do for anyone, love them, hug them, be real, be Jesus and the rest is not up to us. When you’re in this environment you see destruction and spiraling out of control you know whats coming. For me I was in the destruction and I just had one brief second where I heard God and I’m still here. My friend is not he hung himself in a tree on Wednesday. I wish I could tell you that the 50 or so people who I know that have been rescued through the destruction are the ones I only think about. It’s the one like my friend Coy that hurt the worst. He had called me in April around 10:30 and just wanted to talk. he was drunk but I actually at that moment needed someone to talk too. He spoke for about 10 minutes at the end of the conversation he said just let me quit! I told him I can’t do that I love you I’m here until you don’t want to fight the battle. It’s not my job to let you quit its your decision. That haunts my mind a bit even though I know I and we did all we can do. It’s not the ones we help it’s the ones we don’t that hurt the most.

There is no life altering info I can give you except. There are people out there that want your life better, we are those people in Rock Bottom Outreach. No matter what we do sometimes the demons overcome even the best people. Reach out if you’re at the end, you’re not alone unless you choose to be. You have no idea how many people love you and would be so lost without you and I’m sorry we don’t tell you until you can’t physically hear it anymore.

God said it would be worth it but not easy. today it’s not easy!!





Day 850 Can we rid the family of this curse

26 05 2015

We are still getting rain. Many places I like to go are under water and will be until of the middle of July. The rain can move on but at least everything is green. The only good thing is people are staying in so if you’re trying to do things you can get a front row seat.  Also I’m so proud that One year ago yesterday I was baptized by a great friend Brian Hackney. Lord only knows that it hasn’t been easy and the silent battles have hurt but I’m here and better for it. I couldn’t be more thankful for the path I have chosen to listen to and follow which is not my own. It’s never easy but worth it.

Have you heard or do you every say. My family is jinxed, nothing ever goes right for my family. I grew up that way. In mainstream now its called generational or family curses. It’s a mindset that will ruin your life and it does carry down from one generation to the next. The reason why is what you believe is what will come true. Here are the things I’m talking about: idolatry,  sexual sins, drugs and addictions (often even alcohol and pain killers are thought necessary to be “confessed”), believing Satan’s lies too easily, fearfulness, unbelief and skepticism, deceit and dishonesty, pride, rebellion, anger, wishing for death (for oneself or for others), violent acts, vulgar and abusive language, bad musical tastes etc. (I took that actual list from a web page which recommends ).  I bet if we look at our families some of the things slipped down to us and we can’t help. We teach our kids by words but truly the only thing they learn from is action. Here’s an example: In my home growing up we argued, yelled and sometimes threw things.  I know all unhealthy but it’s how we rolled. I get married to someone where they got mad and just ignored each other and 6 weeks later it blew. Both ways are wrong and they say  never go to bed mad but I didn’t I said my peace but she never did. When she got mad I had forgotten already what she was mad about. The cures of how you fight or argue is carried down. Or how many of know someone who their parent was an alcoholic and your friend said I will never be an alcoholic but because what they were taught in action they became an alcoholic. Whatever you want to call it a curse, a jinx things get passed down good or bad. When you say not me yes you to. They can be crippling and if the curse isn’t broken it will continue to the end of time so what do we do………

First of all you have to realize the devil is here to steal, kill and destroy you. He’s good at it to. He can make you believe the actual crap that you truly know is false. First this is God’s battle and not yours. You can break it but you first have to admit it. This is actually true for anything in life. You admit it your chances of repair it can actually take place. Once you know your battle you can take it to God and feel like hey I can connect with God on this. You have to stop blaming other people for what you do. It doesn’t matter what you saw or continue to see. The  only person responsible for you is you. People argue this with me all the time. It doesn’t matter what anybody does to you how you speak and react to the situation is all on you.  We all know right from wrong. You do right you get right you do wrong etc… You have to forgive whoever passed down the curse in your mind, and then get some help to get the thoughts out and start working on erasing them. This is the hard part but the most rewarding. I still have those demons but I can at least recognize them and start working on what it does to my mind. Never give up hope and never think your weird or different. I mean were all weird (especially this guy) but everything can be changed if you want it to be.





Day 850 Can we rid the family of this curse

25 05 2015

We are still getting rain. Many places I like to go are under water and will be until of the middle of July. The rain can move on but at least everything is green. The only good thing is people are staying in so if you’re trying to do things you can get a front row seat.  Also I’m so proud that One year ago yesterday I was baptized by a great friend Brian Hackney. Lord only knows that it hasn’t been easy and the silent battles have hurt but I’m here and better for it. I couldn’t be more thankful for the path I have chosen to listen to and follow which is not my own. It’s never easy but worth it.

Have you heard or do you every say. My family is jinxed, nothing ever goes right for my family. I grew up that way. In mainstream now its called generational or family curses. It’s a mindset that will ruin your life and it does carry down from one generation to the next. The reason why is what you believe is what will come true. Here are the things I’m talking about: idolatry,  sexual sins, drugs and addictions (often even alcohol and pain killers are thought necessary to be “confessed”), believing Satan’s lies too easily, fearfulness, unbelief and skepticism, deceit and dishonesty, pride, rebellion, anger, wishing for death (for oneself or for others), violent acts, vulgar and abusive language, bad musical tastes etc. (I took that actual list from a web page which recommends ).  I bet if we look at our families some of the things slipped down to us and we can’t help. We teach our kids by words but truly the only thing they learn from is action. Here’s an example: In my home growing up we argued, yelled and sometimes threw things.  I know all unhealthy but it’s how we rolled. I get married to someone where they got mad and just ignored each other and 6 weeks later it blew. Both ways are wrong and they say  never go to bed mad but I didn’t I said my peace but she never did. When she got mad I had forgotten already what she was mad about. The cures of how you fight or argue is carried down. Or how many of know someone who their parent was an alcoholic and your friend said I will never be an alcoholic but because what they were taught in action they became an alcoholic. Whatever you want to call it a curse, a jinx things get passed down good or bad. When you say not me yes you to. They can be crippling and if the curse isn’t broken it will continue to the end of time so what do we do………

First of all you have to realize the devil is here to steal, kill and destroy you. He’s good at it to. He can make you believe the actual crap that you truly know is false. First this is God’s battle and not yours. You can break it but you first have to admit it. This is actually true for anything in life. You admit it your chances of repair it can actually take place. Once you know your battle you can take it to God and feel like hey I can connect with God on this. You have to stop blaming other people for what you do. It doesn’t matter what you saw or continue to see. The  only person responsible for you is you. People argue this with me all the time. It doesn’t matter what anybody does to you how you speak and react to the situation is all on you.  We all know right from wrong. You do right you get right you do wrong etc… You have to forgive whoever passed down the curse in your mind, and then get some help to get the thoughts out and start working on erasing them. This is the hard part but the most rewarding. I still have those demons but I can at least recognize them and start working on what it does to my mind. Never give up hope and never think your weird or different. I mean were all weird (especially this guy) but everything can be changed if you want it to be.

 








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