Day 1581 Really dad 12 years

3 07 2017

I’m not sure if I get older its getting hotter or Im a wuss.If you listen closely you can hear my bald sizzle. I like the sound of sizzling just not my head but its July in Texas so I’ll shut up and just smell like cooked bacon. I had a friend message me on Facebook Friday and say that the equator must be close because he literally caught himself catch on fire. Happy early 4th of July I hope you’re getting a chance to spend time with family and laugh. Please laugh it helps cure a lot of ailments.

Today would be my dads 79th birthday. He really would be an old man today He’s also been gone for 12 years. I remember the length of time more on his birthdays than his death day just because its easier to remember his birthday. If you  know my story you know my dad I weren’t on the same page. Many days I hated him, no matter what I loved him but he let me down everyday. So I type this for my healing. The memories never end so just to let go of what I think about here I go

He was disabled and let me become the man of the family. It was a badge I wore with pride but a badge that was too much for me to carry. It taught me that it was never okay to fail, that perfection is all that mattered, that its okay to put the world on my shoulders because I can handle it, never look weak, oh and never take care of yourself because to many people are counting on you. So I lived that way everyday. Problem is all the above things are garbage and when I did do them I had no man to count on so I held it in, or I fought it out or had sex with a girl that I didn’t care about so for 5 minutes I could feel normal. Truthfully all it did was make me bitter, guilty, broken, and full of hate. I could fake it good, manipulate a situation or bully my way to what I wanted remember, I was the man at 10.

So I carry this burden and lie of who I was with me for 36 years. I blamed him for everything. For 7 of those years he was dead and 6 feet under but it was still his fault I was failing, I mean I was the man it couldn’t be me. I remember walking pass his room to my room or coming home to see my parents. There he was sitting on the side of the bed with his head down. I was like you SOB get up help me (only in my mind) . You left me on this island alone and I’m sinking. F it. I’ll just do it myself and the rage continued….

Not to bore you while you’re  reading I’ll  move on. August 27th of 2011 all my failures, never knowing I was enough, feeling like I failed at everything I touched I attempted to kill myself. It was the first day in my life I heard God speak to me, God wasn’t ready for me to die. He knew that I hated him because I looked at God like I looked my dad you were just sitting there watching me drown so FU God I got this. He knew I needed the fatherly love that was missing so he trusted me with another chance.

December 7th of 2011 my life changed forever. I had been in counseling for 3 months and been preaching to about forgiveness. Not sure why this day but I drove an 1.5 to my hometown on a nasty day, Full of sleet, muddy ground a bone chilling wind. I got out of my truck and hit my knees and asked the man in the ground to forgive me and I loved him and would he please forgive me. I looked over my right shoulder to see who was pull on my shoulder.. nobody was there except 36 years of bullshit I carried now was gone.

Since that day I’ve come to love my dad, know he did the best with what he was taught, that he loved me with everything that he was capable of. That day taught me to love others, no matter what they do to me. It also taught me how to be a dad. To show up, to give my kids time, and never let one day go by without letting them know I love them and they are enough.

So today happy 79th birthday Ewing Jay Wood. From one proud son to have a father like you. I hope you’re playing music , making people laugh, dancing and loving the best mother that we could have been blessed with. Eat that rib-eye that you waited on every year I love you daddy.

 





Day 1466 You better be good for goodness sake

26 02 2017

Good early Sunday morning.  My mind is still usually asleep  now but every now and then a good thought or at least a bunch of words pop into this brain. I miss football and pumpkin spice cookies, cardboard and any other thing in the world they made pumpkin spice.

Yesterday we had a memorial for one of our Rock Bottom brothers and speakers. In his celebration of life you see the good one person can do and it provides hope that if we continue to just what we need to do we can change our section of the world.

I was sent this today. I love when you get something from someone and it hits you right where you need it. We always want the dark to go away but there’s always a reason

I reached Wyoming’s Yellowstone Park late, much later than I had planned. The park was sprawling. I wasn’t certain how to find the lodge. I couldn’t find anyone to ask for help or directions. Tired and exhausted, I couldn’t make sense of the map. I found myself driving around and around, becoming almost frantic. Suddenly, beyond the treetops, I spotted a bright light. Good, I thought, it must be the lodge. I drove a little further, then stopped the car and stared in awe. What I saw stilled my heart, and calmed my frantic pace.

Above Yellowstone Lake, nestled between two mountain peaks, glowed a huge, white, full moon, the largest I’d ever seen it. The pines stood guard, quiet and still. A light layer of snow and ice frosted the lake’s surface. I pulled to the side of the road and watched the moon set. It was the single most beautiful, breathtaking scene of the journey.

 I would never have seen this scene in the daytime. I would never have seen this moon, had I not gotten lost. I would never have seen it, had it not been this particular time of night. So maybe I’m not lost, I thought. And maybe I’m not late. Maybe what I’m really doing is taking a beautiful evening drive.

 When we’re lost, when the way gets dark, sometimes we see things we never would have seen in the daylight. Sometimes, the lessons we learn in the darkness are breathtakingly beautiful.

 Enjoy the sunshine, but trust the darkness too. It is more than to be endured. It is to be experienced, and later cherished. I am faith-filled and fear-free because … I am diligent! I am patient! I am built for the victory!

 Bad is not going to leave you alone just because you are a good person. Bad makes its living trying to make you forget about what is good! Bad doesn’t care that you go to work on time, give to charitable organizations and help old ladies across the street. Oh no! What you call bad times, bad experiences and, sometimes, bad people are going to find their way into your life. Working its way into the lives of good people is what makes bad so bad!

 Bad is not going to pass you by because you read self-help books, have an I LOVE YOU bumper sticker on your car, own a string of prayer beads or know how to meditate. Get real! Bad is going to show up in any disguise available in an attempt to beat you up, knock you down, run you over and tear you apart. Good! Show bad that you are made of good.

 You are made of divine power! Infinite wisdom! Pure love and powerfully piercing insight! Show bad that you have unshakeable faith and staying power! Demonstrate to bad that you are put together with the unfathomable intelligence of the Chief Architect of the universe, who issued a lifetime warranty on the durability of your goodness. Ward bad off by showing it that you have everything you need, whenever you need it, to do whatever needs to be done. Demonstrate to bad that you know what to do by doing it! Put on your faith boots! Cover yourself with a faith shawl! Pull out your faith tools, and be willing to stand in the faith of good. If you feel a little weary, take a prayer break. Allow yourself to take a meditative pause. Indulge yourself with a deep breath and tune up your faith.

 Until today, you may have forgotten that you are good enough to withstand anything that you may call bad. Just for today, flex your faith muscles and shake your good fist in bad’s face. Today I am devoted to showing bad just how good I am!

 

 





Day 965 Give up hope of having a better past

17 09 2015

I’m a  guy who takes chances and always have. Investing lets take chances, playing sports chances and now fantasy football. Now I watch football yelling at a guy that I don’t care about, to do something good and the chances are he stinks and I’m wishing for him to be something he can’t.  I guess its good to warm up the vocal cords.

I started teaching/facilitating the men’s sexual purity class on Monday night and just wow. It was an experience I had hoped for but not really expected to go the way it did. It fascinates me to listen to others stories. Not only do you realize that you’re not on an island but we are so similar. I told my testimony and if you haven’t heard it I let it all hangout. I think me being vulnerable allows others to know that its okay. I had a few raised eyebrows but it was those guys that opened up a lot. While going around the circle and back and forth I heard one guy say that he has to give up hope of having a better past. I asked him where he heard that,he didn’t remember but I stopped and man those words had me. I had heard don’t live in the past, leave the past behind etc.. but never had I heard it put that way. Read this again. GIVE UP HOPE OF HAVING A BETTER PAST. I tell my testimony and the story comes from my past but like anyone if I wouldn’t have done XYZ, I would have my family in tact, or maybe I would be married again , or blah blah. Bottom line I can wish, hope, and pray but my past and your past is dead. We will never change that and God doesn’t change the past either. It’s a part of you the good and bad but all that matters is the here and now. Yes if there was a time machine I would go back and fix a lot of hurt, words, and pain I inflicted but I can’t. All I can do is live my hours, days and years upcoming hoping that my past was a lesson,  That I can change the outcome of my children’s lives, that everyone comes in contact say he’s not who he used to be, that he loves and he gives his all for others. I have said all the sorries I know to say but hoping for a better past is like praying that I can save everyone from themselves. That won’t happen but hoping for a better past is futile and downright dumb. We are not our past, we are not our mistakes. What we are is forgiven and with that if we wake up tomorrow we are given another chance to right the wrongs that we created in the past. Give hope that tomorrow can be different. We have no idea what it may bring but its new and nothing of the past can ruin it unless we allow it.

Start today: GIVE UP HOPE OF HAVING A BETTER PAST!!!!!!

 





Day 722 You dont need permission to get out

19 01 2015

It was one of those weekends I was down. We accomplished a lot but I felt I should be hearing something and I missing it. I do know this when I’m  giving I feel complete. Today my kids, nephew and the Rock Bottom Outreach crew gave away 130 sleeping bags to the homeless in 12 minutes. Watching people with so little be so happy over a sleeping bag makes me be grateful but also just thankful that those I love are making a difference. Watching my kids help a total stranger and that stranger giving them a hug is what life is about.

I’m not writing this to anyone in particular. If you think I’m talking about you then we need to talk. I’ve been in two situations in the past week  and here is what I do know. In our lives we are responsible for everyone, everything and place in our lives. That is good and bad. I believe no matter how smart or not you are, how much common sense you have or don’t have we all have that feeling. This person, situation, or place is bad or is great for me. We all have that gut feeling sometimes we follow it and sometimes we don’t. Based on our insecurity, fear, want, loneliness we make a decision. If we listen to our gut 99% of the time it works out but when we let the things mentioned above overrun our gut we wind up in our little or big hell. We want to blame someone and that someone is never us. It’s always the other person, place or things problem we couldn’t possibly been wrong. Just know this and this is one of the biggest truths we all have to learn. WE ARE THE ONLY PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR US! No matter what has happened only us. My dad said this to me all time. The answer to all your problems is when you point the finger , turn it around and point it at yourself and all the answers appear. Okay Tyler stop rambling and get to the point!

You need nobody’s permission who you let in and out of your life. If you’re looking at someone to say: Hey you should really let that person, place or thing in our out Then your already failing. Whoever you let in or out is your business. doesn’t matter who “talked you into it” because you’re the decision maker in your life. Start taking charge and be responsible for the permission given in your life. We all want people to like our decisions but guess what, no matter how good or bad or choices are some jackass is going to beat you down about it. I know 2 people right now that if Jesus was sitting in my living room they would be bitching about: he thinks he knows everything, he’s going to let you down etc… He thinks he walks on water. blah blah. Just remember tonight when you lay down you made the decision, you made some good ones and some bad ones. I just want to offer you a book of permission slips to write to yourself so you know you have all the power now.





Day 722 You dont need permission to get out

18 01 2015

It was one of those weekends I was down. We accomplished a lot but I felt I should be hearing something and I missing it. I do know this when I’m  giving I feel complete. Today my kids, nephew and the Rock Bottom Outreach crew gave away 130 sleeping bags to the homeless in 12 minutes. Watching people with so little be so happy over a sleeping bag makes me be grateful but also just thankful that those I love are making a difference. Watching my kids help a total stranger and that stranger giving them a hug is what life is about.

I’m not writing this to anyone in particular. If you think I’m talking about you then we need to talk. I’ve been in two situations in the past week  and here is what I do know. In our lives we are responsible for everyone, everything and place in our lives. That is good and bad. I believe no matter how smart or not you are, how much common sense you have or don’t have we all have that feeling. This person, situation, or place is bad or is great for me. We all have that gut feeling sometimes we follow it and sometimes we don’t. Based on our insecurity, fear, want, loneliness we make a decision. If we listen to our gut 99% of the time it works out but when we let the things mentioned above overrun our gut we wind up in our little or big hell. We want to blame someone and that someone is never us. It’s always the other person, place or things problem we couldn’t possibly been wrong. Just know this and this is one of the biggest truths we all have to learn. WE ARE THE ONLY PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR US! No matter what has happened only us. My dad said this to me all time. The answer to all your problems is when you point the finger , turn it around and point it at yourself and all the answers appear. Okay Tyler stop rambling and get to the point!

You need nobody’s permission who you let in and out of your life. If you’re looking at someone to say: Hey you should really let that person, place or thing in our out Then your already failing. Whoever you let in or out is your business. doesn’t matter who “talked you into it” because you’re the decision maker in your life. Start taking charge and be responsible for the permission given in your life. We all want people to like our decisions but guess what, no matter how good or bad or choices are some jackass is going to beat you down about it. I know 2 people right now that if Jesus was sitting in my living room they would be bitching about: he thinks he knows everything, he’s going to let you down etc… He thinks he walks on water. blah blah. Just remember tonight when you lay down you made the decision, you made some good ones and some bad ones. I just want to offer you a book of permission slips to write to yourself so you know you have all the power now.

 





Day 713 An adventure seeking peace

9 01 2015

My best friend Jim bought me a trip to go to The Sequoia National Forest in California for birthday back in October. On Wednesday we left by car it a 23 hr drive. We decided to make a stop in Vegas For me this is something that is great for my soul. Driving is  soothing for the soul but 19 straight hours driving or riding is rough on the aging old man. BTW if you have never been to Vegas. Just go there are so many things to see here but also so many things you don’t know need to see but you need the experience. I’ll share our experiences in another blog there worth the wait.

I’ve always loved to drive and the drive. My mind clears enough for me to dump the junk and get down to what matters. On I drive like this I’ve talked to God, I’ve reflected on where I’ve been in the last two years, I talked to my dad today, I prayed for many people and let’s be honest I thought a lot about my fear, what i haven’t done, why I did something that I knew wasn’t good for me, I questioned many things and people, I looked at the magnificent creations in our world, the mountains, the desert, how they built roads through it all, the rows and rows orange trees, Hoover dam, vineyards, what it will be like to be in love again and be ready to do anything for that person. Um sure your like well that’s great and! Well I honestly went to find peace. A deep seeded peace that you can only find when you know that your okay. that the people who matter most love you, and God is smiling at who you have become. Sure I have just as many problems as anyone, maybe more difference now is that I don’t concentrate on all the bad anymore. We have two choices it’s a 50/50 split. Look for the good or look for the bad. Only 2 people know the real me and that’s okay. I’ve reserved the deep and best places for someone and it will come. I look for the good I spent 37 years always finding the bad and it got me to Rock bottom. Rock Bottom got me here and I wouldn’t change it. What is here?

For the first time in 39 years I’m at peace in my soul. My soul used to be a dirty, filthy place that everybody always wanted to be in because it was comfortable. Now very few understand me or want to be in my soul. They want what I have but wont try to do what it takes to get there and that’s okay. Your time is coming and all I ask is when you can find peace run towards not away from it. Embrace the good, embrace those want you for who you are, not what you give them and please help and give  yourself to others. When I gave up me and decided helping others is what it was about, now I’m here. My adventure trip of peace has finally come. Until later and just think we have 24 hours to drive back!!!!!





Day 132 Find the good in this crap

17 05 2013

This week will be remembered for all the crazy things that happened.  My mom started her Parkinson’s medicine, I had a close friend our age die of cardiac arrest and a large chuck of my home town was destroyed by a tornado. It was a week of gutting it up and looking for the good in the bad. That may be one of the toughest thing in the midst of tragedy. The pic below is dark but that a .5 mile wide tornado that hit my hometown. The town has pulled together great and I’m so proud of them.

Photo: Massive wedge tornado captured by Paige Burress  moving into Cleburne, TX at 8:15.

My mom has handled the Parkinson’s diagnoses much better than I expected. She is one tough cookie and always will be. My friend who died was unexpected and so slap into reality. I sat at the church memorial and thought what my kids would do without me and have I said what I needed to to the one’s I care about. Of course the answer was no but I’m so much closer than I was a year ago. I know many people’s home were destroyed but not one life was taken in my hometown.  I have lost all my stuff, the past 4 years and I know you miss it but I still have my life and its gotten a lot better. I have people who I know love me for who I am not what I do for them. I m reading a book about gratitude and it states every time to find the good in the bad. Its one of the hardest things I do. We have never been wired that way but it defiantly makes life easier when we can see things that way. I miss seeing my kids 191 days of the year but I see them the other half. My mom my have Parkinson’s but she’s still here and I get to tell her I love her everyday. When I go to my hometown everyone is alive and rebuilding.

I’m a work in progress but if I can live in the spirit of being thankful and finding the good in the crap then maybe it becomes contagious.  I would ask you to tell the people who you care about that your sorry and you love them. Tell them how great they are. If not the next time you talk to them they may be just a thought in your head.








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