Day 1836 How about you kiss my ……..

25 03 2018

Hello people and hope life is going great for you. Past 4 weeks, I had to put my dog to sleep, got  a new job where I travel, a new cell-phone which there is a learning curve,  and sat in the middle seat twice on a plane. 1 st world problems but still, the middle seat!

 

One thing I do a lot of is reflect. It might be a conversation, a text, the way I reacted, my thoughts at that moment, why I didn’t do something or I did. I’m always trying to be better than I was when the alarm went off that day. Some days I’m a miserable failure on being better and some days actually proud of myself. If you know me that’s something I’ve struggle with my whole life. If I was a fighter in his prime I’m Muhammad Ali the way I beat myself up. It’s a blessing and curse because you always hold yourself to a higher standard but also I never give myself a break. So today I did a reflecting on the past year of my life. It’s still new in the year and a lot of time to have the year I want.  So why not. Why do you get angry at the smallest thing sometimes, you do realize that the 99 problems you built up in your head actually the only one you had was yourself. Why do you go to church on Sunday, sit by yourself and then leave early. I guess Jesus left the building so you thought you were on his level.  Why do you neglect texts from people all they wanted to know is how you’re doing. They probably actually cared.  I know you push a lot of people out of your life because your afraid of them but you should be proud of the few you allowed to stay.. Every time you speak to a group of total strangers and pour your heart out you are doing something great. Somebody walks away with something and if you don’t believe that God knows. The messages you post to Facebook to help encourage or offer hope you should heed those same messages. You don’t have to be perfect and you don’t have to tell everyone how horrible you were in your past. They want to know your story but who you are now is who and what they like and be comfortable in it. You can’t save everyone but you know 3 you have. You’re doing your part stop and be happy about those. Every time you knew you should have said yes but said no I hoped you learned from that.  I know you think have no clue what to do with a teenage daughter but when she kisses your forehead and says she loves you  that she really does.  When you did for yourself or went somewhere you wanted to go did you ever regret it. The answer is no and its okay to take care of yourself too. When you get by urself and you  cry that’s God just getting me to cleanse myself so I can see what I  forget. You are not broken anymore, your glued back and your beautiful. Yes mom and dad are proud of who you are. You work so hard to be a great parent. Finally you’re a really good man, worthy of the most love, patience, grace and hope from another. Every morning you tell yourself that because as flawed and broken as you are and were you’re an  example and very few can wake up every morning and say that.

Just throwing out my thoughts because thats what a blog is for. Happy Easter and eat a cadbuy for me. Oh and you dont have to kiss my …. I just liked the title





Day 1242 Remember when you were going to be great

7 07 2016

Hello long-lost blog world. I’m still alive. I guess I took a break from me and my brain for a bit. It’s a hard job but someone has to do it. 🙂 The summer is great and so are sun burns. So much so Im shedding my skin from what the sun did to me don’t worry. I don’t have a disease I’m just finding my 40-year-old skin.

Do you remember when we dreamed, remember when we hunted and weren’t the hunted, when we were going to be great, when nothing would stop us. Then life that we never knew or understood slapped us and even though we are still standing our knees are knocking but people can’t see it.  Remember when we weren’t afraid to fail. Maybe because we were 20 and stupid and now we know what life is capable of. We only see the negative of life and because of that we get afraid, apprehensive, we just stand there and say I want to be great BUT! Then we don’t! We get to our death-bed and say all the things we should have done and we speak them out loud but we thought them for 40 years. We settled, told our heart to stop, we forgot life is about ups and downs, but only want to talk about the downs. We lost our faith, not only in God but in ourselves. We don’t want to start over because “we can’t” but if tomorrow wasn’t coming we could. Nothing is easy! Not one damn thing and we know that.  We cannot let our past destroy us! We must stand up for ourselves because nobody else will. Decide today is my last day because it could be. Smile again, and push yourself places you have never been.  Tell yourself I can and will! No excuses!

Maybe Im writing this blog only for me! If so thats okay someone needs it.





Day 950 What I would have told myself yesterday

3 09 2015

It’s that time of when the air starts to get crisp and the leaves are staring to change. You can feel the people starting to get in a better mood because its getting cooler. Then you realize you live in Texas and today I got a sunburn on the top of my head because I was standing outside for 10 minutes. Im sure people thought it was a BBQ but no my head. Im ready for it to get cooler and also starting eating and drinking more pumpkin stuff. My man card might just have lost points but Im willing to take that chance.

Ont thing I do a lot of is reflect. It might be a conversation, a text, the way I reacted, my thoughts at that moment, why I didn’t do something or I did. I’m always trying to be better than I was when the alarm went off that day. Some days Im a miserable failure on being better and some days actually proud of myself. If you know me that’s something I’ve struggle with my whole life. If I was a fighter in his prime I’m Muhammad Ali the way I beat myself up. It’s a blessing and curse because you always hold yourself to a higher standard but also I never give myself a break. So today I did a reflecting on the past year of my life. Its the new school year and Im only 39 days away from being 40 Yikes!!!  So why not. Why do you get angry at the smallest thing sometimes, you do realize that the 99 problems you built up in your head actually the only one you had was yourself. Why do you go to church on Sunday, sit by yourself and then leave early. I guess Jesus left the building so you thought you were on his level.  Why do you neglect texts from people all they wanted to know is how you’re doing. They probably actually cared. Y I know you push a lot of people out of your life because your afraid of them but you should be proud of the few you allowed to stay.. Every time you speak to a group of total strangers and pour your heart out you are doing something great. Somebody walks away with something and if you don’t believe that God knows. The messages you post to Facebook to help encourage or offer hope you should heed those same messages. You don’t have to be perfect and you don’t have to tell everyone how horrible you were in your past. They want to know your story but who you are now is who and what they like and be comfortable in it. You can’t save everyone but you know 3 you have. You’re doing your part stop and be happy about those. Every time you knew you should have said yes but said no I hoped you learned from that.  I know you think have no clue what to do with a teenage daughter but when she kisses your forehead and says she loves you  that she really does.  When you did for yourself or went somewhere you wanted to go did you ever regret it. The answer is no and its okay to take care of yourself too. When you get by uself and you  cry that’s God just getting cleanse yourself so you can see what you forget. You are not broken anymore, your glued back and your beautiful. Yes dad is so proud of you. Mom believes that you kept your promise that you made to your dad that you would take care of her and your sister. Finally you’re a really good man, worthy of the most love, patience, grace and hope from another. Every morning you tell yourself that because as flawed and broken as you are and were you’re an  example and very few can wake up every morning and say that.

This blog was for me to go back and read when I forget about who I am. I’m sharing it with you because I know I’m not the only one that feels this way. Thank you for always reading and being supportive.





Day 950 What I would have told myself yesterday

2 09 2015

It’s that time of when the air starts to get crisp and the leaves are staring to change. You can feel the people starting to get in a better mood because its getting cooler. Then you realize you live in Texas and today I got a sunburn on the top of my head because I was standing outside for 10 minutes. Im sure people thought it was a BBQ but no my head. Im ready for it to get cooler and also starting eating and drinking more pumpkin stuff. My man card might just have lost points but Im willing to take that chance.

Ont thing I do a lot of is reflect. It might be a conversation, a text, the way I reacted, my thoughts at that moment, why I didn’t do something or I did. I’m always trying to be better than I was when the alarm went off that day. Some days Im a miserable failure on being better and some days actually proud of myself. If you know me that’s something I’ve struggle with my whole life. If I was a fighter in his prime I’m Muhammad Ali the way I beat myself up. It’s a blessing and curse because you always hold yourself to a higher standard but also I never give myself a break. So today I did a reflecting on the past year of my life. Its the new school year and Im only 39 days away from being 40 Yikes!!!  So why not. Why do you get angry at the smallest thing sometimes, you do realize that the 99 problems you built up in your head actually the only one you had was yourself. Why do you go to church on Sunday, sit by yourself and then leave early. I guess Jesus left the building so you thought you were on his level.  Why do you neglect texts from people all they wanted to know is how you’re doing. They probably actually cared. Y I know you push a lot of people out of your life because your afraid of them but you should be proud of the few you allowed to stay.. Every time you speak to a group of total strangers and pour your heart out you are doing something great. Somebody walks away with something and if you don’t believe that God knows. The messages you post to Facebook to help encourage or offer hope you should heed those same messages. You don’t have to be perfect and you don’t have to tell everyone how horrible you were in your past. They want to know your story but who you are now is who and what they like and be comfortable in it. You can’t save everyone but you know 3 you have. You’re doing your part stop and be happy about those. Every time you knew you should have said yes but said no I hoped you learned from that.  I know you think have no clue what to do with a teenage daughter but when she kisses your forehead and says she loves you  that she really does.  When you did for yourself or went somewhere you wanted to go did you ever regret it. The answer is no and its okay to take care of yourself too. When you get by uself and you  cry that’s God just getting cleanse yourself so you can see what you forget. You are not broken anymore, your glued back and your beautiful. Yes dad is so proud of you. Mom believes that you kept your promise that you made to your dad that you would take care of her and your sister. Finally you’re a really good man, worthy of the most love, patience, grace and hope from another. Every morning you tell yourself that because as flawed and broken as you are and were you’re an  example and very few can wake up every morning and say that.

This blog was for me to go back and read when I forget about who I am. I’m sharing it with you because I know I’m not the only one that feels this way. Thank you for always reading and being supportive.





Day 786 Im so sorry I lied-I am fearful

22 03 2015

I have my whole crew back and my mom and nephew came up last night as well. We went and saw the movie Do you believe! It was outstanding. Most Hollywood God movies are cheesy acted and predictable but this was not. Also my childhood hero Brian Bozworth was in it and did  great.

I’m fearful and I have lied and told you I wasn’t Here is what goes through my brain and heart if I’m honest.

:you will see my jokes are to cover my insecurities, that my anger is my true feelings about myself, when I’m honest I only hope u accept it and not reject it, that when I’m happy you know that  I don’t believe I deserve it, that every person I’ve kicked out if my life I miss them, that I crave a family again, that when I try to look tough I’m tired of being tough, the lies I told I wish they were true, I never believe I measured up,
That you will see the goodness of my heart and stomp on it again, I trust no one, I’m a great lover, that when I look into your eyes I really am trying to get to know you whoever you are, that I think more like a non-believer than a believer most days, I’m not comfortable in my own skin, my heart can break easier than you know, when u pay me a compliment I say thank you but don’t believe it, I’m afraid I going to screw my kids up every day, that every time I hear the word suicide I tear up,  I not afraid to die, you don’t know that when I hug you I hope it’s the best hug you’ve ever received, that if  I cry in front of you I’m hurting really bad inside, that I wanted more children but I thought have two of me was punishment enough to then, that every time  I get up to help or speak I have no idea what I’m going to say. That you ignore me because I’m odd and weird, that I’m jealous of what you have and I don’t, I’m afraid I wont’ get to my bucket list, I haven’t really changed, of the thoughts I have when I drink, why I don’t dream anymore,I will never love again at the depths that I know are possible, when I can’t find my shadow,
Why do I tell you this? I might be the only weird honest person in the world but what people tell me without asking I’m not alone in my thoughts. Everyone one of us feels and thinks these things a lot. We only want people to see the good but to appreciate e a person you have to know the bad to appreciate the good. We can pretend we don’t but if your honest you know it. Then I know these words have been mentioned Over 300 times in the Bible. Do not fear, do not be afraid. All I try now is share my heart which I just did and ask God please take these irrational and stupid fears because I’m not strong enough to do so.  Confession is what he asked us for, he didn’t ask us to stop sinning. Never feel alone in your walk and when you are fearful , remember  what God said : do not be fearful or afraid
love you





Day 786 Im so sorry I lied-I am fearful

22 03 2015

I have my whole crew back and my mom and nephew came up last night as well. We went and saw the movie Do you believe! It was outstanding. Most Hollywood God movies are cheesy acted and predictable but this was not. Also my childhood hero Brian Bozworth was in it and did  great.

I’m fearful and I have lied and told you I wasn’t Here is what goes through my brain and heart if I’m honest.

:you will see my jokes are to cover my insecurities, that my anger is my true feelings about myself, when I’m honest I only hope u accept it and not reject it, that when I’m happy you know that  I don’t believe I deserve it, that every person I’ve kicked out if my life I miss them, that I crave a family again, that when I try to look tough I’m tired of being tough, the lies I told I wish they were true, I never believe I measured up,
That you will see the goodness of my heart and stomp on it again, I trust no one, I’m a great lover, that when I look into your eyes I really am trying to get to know you whoever you are, that I think more like a non-believer than a believer most days, I’m not comfortable in my own skin, my heart can break easier than you know, when u pay me a compliment I say thank you but don’t believe it, I’m afraid I going to screw my kids up every day, that every time I hear the word suicide I tear up,  I not afraid to die, you don’t know that when I hug you I hope it’s the best hug you’ve ever received, that if  I cry in front of you I’m hurting really bad inside, that I wanted more children but I thought have two of me was punishment enough to then, that every time  I get up to help or speak I have no idea what I’m going to say. That you ignore me because I’m odd and weird, that I’m jealous of what you have and I don’t, I’m afraid I wont’ get to my bucket list, I haven’t really changed, of the thoughts I have when I drink, why I don’t dream anymore,I will never love again at the depths that I know are possible, when I can’t find my shadow,
Why do I tell you this? I might be the only weird honest person in the world but what people tell me without asking I’m not alone in my thoughts. Everyone one of us feels and thinks these things a lot. We only want people to see the good but to appreciate e a person you have to know the bad to appreciate the good. We can pretend we don’t but if your honest you know it. Then I know these words have been mentioned Over 300 times in the Bible. Do not fear, do not be afraid. All I try now is share my heart which I just did and ask God please take these irrational and stupid fears because I’m not strong enough to do so.  Confession is what he asked us for, he didn’t ask us to stop sinning. Never feel alone in your walk and when you are fearful , remember  what God said : do not be fearful or afraid
love you





Day 584 Lights are on but your not home

1 09 2014

My kids are growing up in front of me and so many times I miss them because I’m worrying about what I’m not doing right. Saturday I caught one. My kids were laughing out loud  about our dog and the voices I do for her. They both looked at me and laughed which is the best sound but My daughter just said thank you and my son said your cool daddy even though your chest is hairy. Well moments like that can stay with you for a while.

I don’t have much to blog about tonight because I have too much on my mind. This song by Staind called Realty is a very deep and thought-provoking song. I know someone reading this might need the words to get through. Music always speaks to my soul and here’s to your soul!!

The lights are on
But you’re not home
You’ve drifted off
Somewhere alone
Somewhere that’s safe
No questions here
A quiet place
Where you hide from your fears

Sometimes when you’re out of rope
The way to climb back up is clear
The walls you build around yourself
I guess they also keep you here
Are you afraid of what they think?
Whoever they happen to be
Or are you hiding from the scars of
Your own reality?

So you sedate
And drown in vain
You’ve got a pill
For every day
A suit and tie
To mask the truth
It’s ugly head
Is starting to show through

Sometimes when you’re out of rope
The way to climb back up’s unclear
The walls you build around yourself
I guess they also keep you here
Are you afraid of what they think?
Whoever they happen to be
Or are you hiding from the scars of
Your own reality?

The monster you’re feeding
Your lack of perception
The things that you do
To fulfill your addictions
The light at the end
Of your tunnel is closing
What is it that you’re so
Afraid of exposing?
You’d give it all up for
What’s there for the taking
Whatever it takes to
Keep your hands from shaking
The same things you’re thinking
Might make you feel better
The same things that probably
Got you here

Sometimes when you’re out of rope
The way to climb back up’s unclear
The walls you build around yourself
I guess they also keep you here
Are you afraid of what they think?
Whoever they happen to be
Or are you hiding from the scars of
Your own reality?

The monster you’re feeding
Your lack of perception
The things that you do
To fulfill your addictions
(Your own reality)
The light at the end
Of your tunnel is closing
What is it that you’re so
Afraid of exposing?
(Your own reality)
You’d give it all up for
What’s there for the taking
Whatever it takes to
Keep your hands from shaking
(Your own reality)
The same things you’re thinking
Might make you feel better
The same things that probably
Got you here

 





Day 461 Damn you marriage

16 04 2014

The surgery happened today and it turned out great. Like all parent you struggle with your own emotions of nerves and being afraid. I’ve said many times that I m have girl with my emotions. My daughter got her IV and I was holding her hand  and she started crying. I felt my tears coming because I have been where she was and I know the fear of the unknown.  I was kissing her hair and telling her how much I loved her and she cried out I’m afraid and came with the tears. I’m glad I was above her because my tears came too. I wiped them on her pillow and kept whispering in her ear how amazing she was and how proud of her I was. They gave her the magic medicine and then she went to lala land. Toughest day being a parent so far. I love my daughter so much and then when I got home my son loved on his sister and I realized just how amazing my kids were again.

The other good thing is actually got some time to read. I m reading a book called The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller. If your married, going to be, or hope to be again its a must read. Here are a few reasons why:

Modern culture has us believe that everyone has 1 soul mate, romance is the most important part of a successful marriage, your spouse is supposed to help you realize your potential, marriage does not mean forever, but merely for now,  and starting over after divorce is the best solution to seemingly intractable marriage issues: And all the modern-day assumptions are wrong! Yep Wrong! I can’t give you all the answers in this blog but you need to read the book.

Here are a few of the thoughts for your reading enjoyment. I always get tired of hearing these sentimental talks on marriage. At weddings, in church, and in Sunday school, much of what I’ve heard on the subject has about as much meaning as a conversation about the Dallas Cowboys winning another Superbowl. Marriage is many things , it is anything but sentimental. Marriage is amazing but one of the hardiest things we will ever do. It is blood, sweat . tears, humbling moments,  it is sacrifice that you can’t imagine and exhausting victories.. There is NO marriage that is  fairy tale come true. Therefore it is not surprising that the Phrase in Paul’s  famous discourse on marriage in Ephesians 5 that many couples can relate to is verse 32,  A man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two become one flesh. This is a profound mystery. AT MANY TIMES YOU SEEM TO FEEL THAT MARRIAGE IS AN UNSOLVABLE PUZZLE, A MAZE IN WHICH YOU FEEL LOST. While I agree with all of the above there is no relationship between humans that is greater or more important than marriage. God himself officiated the first wedding. The bible states many times that marriage  next to our relationship with God is the most profound. Coming to know and love your spouse is difficult and painful but also the most rewarding and wonderful.

So why would i like you to read this book. It’s a book for spouses or one day spouses who have discovered or have no idea how  challenging the day-today marriage is and who are searching for practical and not fairy tale resources to survive the overwhelming fiery trials of marriage that you made not have heard of or don’t know that are coming, and grow together through them.  Society always says the honeymoon is over. Well read this book because you either have landed with a thud or its coming.





Day 461 Damn you marriage

15 04 2014

The surgery happened today and it turned out great. Like all parent you struggle with your own emotions of nerves and being afraid. I’ve said many times that I m have girl with my emotions. My daughter got her IV and I was holding her hand  and she started crying. I felt my tears coming because I have been where she was and I know the fear of the unknown.  I was kissing her hair and telling her how much I loved her and she cried out I’m afraid and came with the tears. I’m glad I was above her because my tears came too. I wiped them on her pillow and kept whispering in her ear how amazing she was and how proud of her I was. They gave her the magic medicine and then she went to lala land. Toughest day being a parent so far. I love my daughter so much and then when I got home my son loved on his sister and I realized just how amazing my kids were again.

The other good thing is actually got some time to read. I m reading a book called The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller. If your married, going to be, or hope to be again its a must read. Here are a few reasons why:

Modern culture has us believe that everyone has 1 soul mate, romance is the most important part of a successful marriage, your spouse is supposed to help you realize your potential, marriage does not mean forever, but merely for now,  and starting over after divorce is the best solution to seemingly intractable marriage issues: And all the modern-day assumptions are wrong! Yep Wrong! I can’t give you all the answers in this blog but you need to read the book.

Here are a few of the thoughts for your reading enjoyment. I always get tired of hearing these sentimental talks on marriage. At weddings, in church, and in Sunday school, much of what I’ve heard on the subject has about as much meaning as a conversation about the Dallas Cowboys winning another Superbowl. Marriage is many things , it is anything but sentimental. Marriage is amazing but one of the hardiest things we will ever do. It is blood, sweat . tears, humbling moments,  it is sacrifice that you can’t imagine and exhausting victories.. There is NO marriage that is  fairy tale come true. Therefore it is not surprising that the Phrase in Paul’s  famous discourse on marriage in Ephesians 5 that many couples can relate to is verse 32,  A man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two become one flesh. This is a profound mystery. AT MANY TIMES YOU SEEM TO FEEL THAT MARRIAGE IS AN UNSOLVABLE PUZZLE, A MAZE IN WHICH YOU FEEL LOST. While I agree with all of the above there is no relationship between humans that is greater or more important than marriage. God himself officiated the first wedding. The bible states many times that marriage  next to our relationship with God is the most profound. Coming to know and love your spouse is difficult and painful but also the most rewarding and wonderful.

So why would i like you to read this book. It’s a book for spouses or one day spouses who have discovered or have no idea how  challenging the day-today marriage is and who are searching for practical and not fairy tale resources to survive the overwhelming fiery trials of marriage that you made not have heard of or don’t know that are coming, and grow together through them.  Society always says the honeymoon is over. Well read this book because you either have landed with a thud or its coming.

 





Day 406 My Onion layers are afraid

20 02 2014

I want to apolgize for my grammar and spelling I haven’t in a while.When I go back and proof read too much I’ll change it. So its raw

I’m so thankful for God  putting people  in my life that I have taken for granted or forgotten, but no matter what they are there with open arms. I got to see someone who is very special to me and I hadn’t seen her since June. It’s like we never missed beat. I have no idea why we hadn’t spoken or texted but it made my day.  She texted me this after I left: “It was really great seeing you! One of my coworkers said I lit up when I saw you. :) I said yeah because he’s a great human and a dear friend. You really are Tyler. Thanks for coming!” If words like that can’t  carry  you through a week then your feeler is broken! I sometimes forget the good side of me too because Im so hard on myself but I’ll remember today!

Blog topics come from so many different places and the thought for this blog came from Shrek. I was watching Shrek with my babies last night and  Shrek talked about an Ogre having layers like an onion and you have to peel them back one layer at a time to see who they are. I used to be a man who wouldn’t let you touch my first layer because I wouldn’t.  Now I will peel my layers off and expose myself (not like that) because it feels right and the truth sets you free. But there are layers there that somebody who’s going to love me again will get to do and that scares the hell out of me. They are afraid  (the layers) not because I won’t expose them but because she may not have a clue how to deal with them. Women are not the only ones that get ripped apart in a relationship, men do to. I truly believe a women never 100% gives herself to a man because they know who we are and we are going to hurt them. Men do give 100% once they finally give their heart and when they do and it ends bad they die inside.   Then they go punish every women around. Im a special and different man not better. I can do all things a women needs, be a manly man  ,but also be a caring, loving, affectionate man who does with actions and not words. I can be what a women wants and needs, but my fear is can she! Not all but most women have been ripped apart and even though they want a man like me stopped believe in it or settled. So I come around and I scare the crap out of them. They are waiting for the other shoe to drop and say this can’t be real or they leave. If I expose my layers and you sh$t on them I may be done! I can’t go through again what I did and come out a better man! I did this time with blood, sweat, tears and some great encouragement from some special people. Im admitting this: Im afraid, Im scared to do this again! The want is there but the layers are afraid! To fully expose yourself is the hardest thing to do. Pushing send on this blog today will be hard because what society would say :he doesn’t know what he’s talking about , this guy is not a man, he a pu%^y,.  I don’t need someone to love me the way they think is best ,they need to love me the way I need to be loved. We are  all different and not everyone needs to be loved the same. We love the way that feels comfortable to us not what is best for the other person. The book the 5 love languages explains it much better than , but if you keep trying to buy gifts for your significant other  that needs encouraging words but you buy gifts because you like that then I promise your relationships will always fail. I want and need that person to love me until its uncomfortable for them. I will love you that way but you have to be willing to give it back.

So my layers are afraid to give them to her because I know the down side to being peeled back! I will  not lose hope though that there is that women out there that will see the greatness n me and fight for me too. Yes Im flawed and i will piss you off beyond belief, but its worth it. One layer at a time and lets see where it goes!








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