Day 1836 How about you kiss my ……..

25 03 2018

Hello people and hope life is going great for you. Past 4 weeks, I had to put my dog to sleep, got  a new job where I travel, a new cell-phone which there is a learning curve,  and sat in the middle seat twice on a plane. 1 st world problems but still, the middle seat!

 

One thing I do a lot of is reflect. It might be a conversation, a text, the way I reacted, my thoughts at that moment, why I didn’t do something or I did. I’m always trying to be better than I was when the alarm went off that day. Some days I’m a miserable failure on being better and some days actually proud of myself. If you know me that’s something I’ve struggle with my whole life. If I was a fighter in his prime I’m Muhammad Ali the way I beat myself up. It’s a blessing and curse because you always hold yourself to a higher standard but also I never give myself a break. So today I did a reflecting on the past year of my life. It’s still new in the year and a lot of time to have the year I want.  So why not. Why do you get angry at the smallest thing sometimes, you do realize that the 99 problems you built up in your head actually the only one you had was yourself. Why do you go to church on Sunday, sit by yourself and then leave early. I guess Jesus left the building so you thought you were on his level.  Why do you neglect texts from people all they wanted to know is how you’re doing. They probably actually cared.  I know you push a lot of people out of your life because your afraid of them but you should be proud of the few you allowed to stay.. Every time you speak to a group of total strangers and pour your heart out you are doing something great. Somebody walks away with something and if you don’t believe that God knows. The messages you post to Facebook to help encourage or offer hope you should heed those same messages. You don’t have to be perfect and you don’t have to tell everyone how horrible you were in your past. They want to know your story but who you are now is who and what they like and be comfortable in it. You can’t save everyone but you know 3 you have. You’re doing your part stop and be happy about those. Every time you knew you should have said yes but said no I hoped you learned from that.  I know you think have no clue what to do with a teenage daughter but when she kisses your forehead and says she loves you  that she really does.  When you did for yourself or went somewhere you wanted to go did you ever regret it. The answer is no and its okay to take care of yourself too. When you get by urself and you  cry that’s God just getting me to cleanse myself so I can see what I  forget. You are not broken anymore, your glued back and your beautiful. Yes mom and dad are proud of who you are. You work so hard to be a great parent. Finally you’re a really good man, worthy of the most love, patience, grace and hope from another. Every morning you tell yourself that because as flawed and broken as you are and were you’re an  example and very few can wake up every morning and say that.

Just throwing out my thoughts because thats what a blog is for. Happy Easter and eat a cadbuy for me. Oh and you dont have to kiss my …. I just liked the title

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Day 1242 Remember when you were going to be great

7 07 2016

Hello long-lost blog world. I’m still alive. I guess I took a break from me and my brain for a bit. It’s a hard job but someone has to do it. 🙂 The summer is great and so are sun burns. So much so Im shedding my skin from what the sun did to me don’t worry. I don’t have a disease I’m just finding my 40-year-old skin.

Do you remember when we dreamed, remember when we hunted and weren’t the hunted, when we were going to be great, when nothing would stop us. Then life that we never knew or understood slapped us and even though we are still standing our knees are knocking but people can’t see it.  Remember when we weren’t afraid to fail. Maybe because we were 20 and stupid and now we know what life is capable of. We only see the negative of life and because of that we get afraid, apprehensive, we just stand there and say I want to be great BUT! Then we don’t! We get to our death-bed and say all the things we should have done and we speak them out loud but we thought them for 40 years. We settled, told our heart to stop, we forgot life is about ups and downs, but only want to talk about the downs. We lost our faith, not only in God but in ourselves. We don’t want to start over because “we can’t” but if tomorrow wasn’t coming we could. Nothing is easy! Not one damn thing and we know that.  We cannot let our past destroy us! We must stand up for ourselves because nobody else will. Decide today is my last day because it could be. Smile again, and push yourself places you have never been.  Tell yourself I can and will! No excuses!

Maybe Im writing this blog only for me! If so thats okay someone needs it.





Day 950 What I would have told myself yesterday

3 09 2015

It’s that time of when the air starts to get crisp and the leaves are staring to change. You can feel the people starting to get in a better mood because its getting cooler. Then you realize you live in Texas and today I got a sunburn on the top of my head because I was standing outside for 10 minutes. Im sure people thought it was a BBQ but no my head. Im ready for it to get cooler and also starting eating and drinking more pumpkin stuff. My man card might just have lost points but Im willing to take that chance.

Ont thing I do a lot of is reflect. It might be a conversation, a text, the way I reacted, my thoughts at that moment, why I didn’t do something or I did. I’m always trying to be better than I was when the alarm went off that day. Some days Im a miserable failure on being better and some days actually proud of myself. If you know me that’s something I’ve struggle with my whole life. If I was a fighter in his prime I’m Muhammad Ali the way I beat myself up. It’s a blessing and curse because you always hold yourself to a higher standard but also I never give myself a break. So today I did a reflecting on the past year of my life. Its the new school year and Im only 39 days away from being 40 Yikes!!!  So why not. Why do you get angry at the smallest thing sometimes, you do realize that the 99 problems you built up in your head actually the only one you had was yourself. Why do you go to church on Sunday, sit by yourself and then leave early. I guess Jesus left the building so you thought you were on his level.  Why do you neglect texts from people all they wanted to know is how you’re doing. They probably actually cared. Y I know you push a lot of people out of your life because your afraid of them but you should be proud of the few you allowed to stay.. Every time you speak to a group of total strangers and pour your heart out you are doing something great. Somebody walks away with something and if you don’t believe that God knows. The messages you post to Facebook to help encourage or offer hope you should heed those same messages. You don’t have to be perfect and you don’t have to tell everyone how horrible you were in your past. They want to know your story but who you are now is who and what they like and be comfortable in it. You can’t save everyone but you know 3 you have. You’re doing your part stop and be happy about those. Every time you knew you should have said yes but said no I hoped you learned from that.  I know you think have no clue what to do with a teenage daughter but when she kisses your forehead and says she loves you  that she really does.  When you did for yourself or went somewhere you wanted to go did you ever regret it. The answer is no and its okay to take care of yourself too. When you get by uself and you  cry that’s God just getting cleanse yourself so you can see what you forget. You are not broken anymore, your glued back and your beautiful. Yes dad is so proud of you. Mom believes that you kept your promise that you made to your dad that you would take care of her and your sister. Finally you’re a really good man, worthy of the most love, patience, grace and hope from another. Every morning you tell yourself that because as flawed and broken as you are and were you’re an  example and very few can wake up every morning and say that.

This blog was for me to go back and read when I forget about who I am. I’m sharing it with you because I know I’m not the only one that feels this way. Thank you for always reading and being supportive.





Day 950 What I would have told myself yesterday

2 09 2015

It’s that time of when the air starts to get crisp and the leaves are staring to change. You can feel the people starting to get in a better mood because its getting cooler. Then you realize you live in Texas and today I got a sunburn on the top of my head because I was standing outside for 10 minutes. Im sure people thought it was a BBQ but no my head. Im ready for it to get cooler and also starting eating and drinking more pumpkin stuff. My man card might just have lost points but Im willing to take that chance.

Ont thing I do a lot of is reflect. It might be a conversation, a text, the way I reacted, my thoughts at that moment, why I didn’t do something or I did. I’m always trying to be better than I was when the alarm went off that day. Some days Im a miserable failure on being better and some days actually proud of myself. If you know me that’s something I’ve struggle with my whole life. If I was a fighter in his prime I’m Muhammad Ali the way I beat myself up. It’s a blessing and curse because you always hold yourself to a higher standard but also I never give myself a break. So today I did a reflecting on the past year of my life. Its the new school year and Im only 39 days away from being 40 Yikes!!!  So why not. Why do you get angry at the smallest thing sometimes, you do realize that the 99 problems you built up in your head actually the only one you had was yourself. Why do you go to church on Sunday, sit by yourself and then leave early. I guess Jesus left the building so you thought you were on his level.  Why do you neglect texts from people all they wanted to know is how you’re doing. They probably actually cared. Y I know you push a lot of people out of your life because your afraid of them but you should be proud of the few you allowed to stay.. Every time you speak to a group of total strangers and pour your heart out you are doing something great. Somebody walks away with something and if you don’t believe that God knows. The messages you post to Facebook to help encourage or offer hope you should heed those same messages. You don’t have to be perfect and you don’t have to tell everyone how horrible you were in your past. They want to know your story but who you are now is who and what they like and be comfortable in it. You can’t save everyone but you know 3 you have. You’re doing your part stop and be happy about those. Every time you knew you should have said yes but said no I hoped you learned from that.  I know you think have no clue what to do with a teenage daughter but when she kisses your forehead and says she loves you  that she really does.  When you did for yourself or went somewhere you wanted to go did you ever regret it. The answer is no and its okay to take care of yourself too. When you get by uself and you  cry that’s God just getting cleanse yourself so you can see what you forget. You are not broken anymore, your glued back and your beautiful. Yes dad is so proud of you. Mom believes that you kept your promise that you made to your dad that you would take care of her and your sister. Finally you’re a really good man, worthy of the most love, patience, grace and hope from another. Every morning you tell yourself that because as flawed and broken as you are and were you’re an  example and very few can wake up every morning and say that.

This blog was for me to go back and read when I forget about who I am. I’m sharing it with you because I know I’m not the only one that feels this way. Thank you for always reading and being supportive.





Day 786 Im so sorry I lied-I am fearful

22 03 2015

I have my whole crew back and my mom and nephew came up last night as well. We went and saw the movie Do you believe! It was outstanding. Most Hollywood God movies are cheesy acted and predictable but this was not. Also my childhood hero Brian Bozworth was in it and did  great.

I’m fearful and I have lied and told you I wasn’t Here is what goes through my brain and heart if I’m honest.

:you will see my jokes are to cover my insecurities, that my anger is my true feelings about myself, when I’m honest I only hope u accept it and not reject it, that when I’m happy you know that  I don’t believe I deserve it, that every person I’ve kicked out if my life I miss them, that I crave a family again, that when I try to look tough I’m tired of being tough, the lies I told I wish they were true, I never believe I measured up,
That you will see the goodness of my heart and stomp on it again, I trust no one, I’m a great lover, that when I look into your eyes I really am trying to get to know you whoever you are, that I think more like a non-believer than a believer most days, I’m not comfortable in my own skin, my heart can break easier than you know, when u pay me a compliment I say thank you but don’t believe it, I’m afraid I going to screw my kids up every day, that every time I hear the word suicide I tear up,  I not afraid to die, you don’t know that when I hug you I hope it’s the best hug you’ve ever received, that if  I cry in front of you I’m hurting really bad inside, that I wanted more children but I thought have two of me was punishment enough to then, that every time  I get up to help or speak I have no idea what I’m going to say. That you ignore me because I’m odd and weird, that I’m jealous of what you have and I don’t, I’m afraid I wont’ get to my bucket list, I haven’t really changed, of the thoughts I have when I drink, why I don’t dream anymore,I will never love again at the depths that I know are possible, when I can’t find my shadow,
Why do I tell you this? I might be the only weird honest person in the world but what people tell me without asking I’m not alone in my thoughts. Everyone one of us feels and thinks these things a lot. We only want people to see the good but to appreciate e a person you have to know the bad to appreciate the good. We can pretend we don’t but if your honest you know it. Then I know these words have been mentioned Over 300 times in the Bible. Do not fear, do not be afraid. All I try now is share my heart which I just did and ask God please take these irrational and stupid fears because I’m not strong enough to do so.  Confession is what he asked us for, he didn’t ask us to stop sinning. Never feel alone in your walk and when you are fearful , remember  what God said : do not be fearful or afraid
love you





Day 786 Im so sorry I lied-I am fearful

22 03 2015

I have my whole crew back and my mom and nephew came up last night as well. We went and saw the movie Do you believe! It was outstanding. Most Hollywood God movies are cheesy acted and predictable but this was not. Also my childhood hero Brian Bozworth was in it and did  great.

I’m fearful and I have lied and told you I wasn’t Here is what goes through my brain and heart if I’m honest.

:you will see my jokes are to cover my insecurities, that my anger is my true feelings about myself, when I’m honest I only hope u accept it and not reject it, that when I’m happy you know that  I don’t believe I deserve it, that every person I’ve kicked out if my life I miss them, that I crave a family again, that when I try to look tough I’m tired of being tough, the lies I told I wish they were true, I never believe I measured up,
That you will see the goodness of my heart and stomp on it again, I trust no one, I’m a great lover, that when I look into your eyes I really am trying to get to know you whoever you are, that I think more like a non-believer than a believer most days, I’m not comfortable in my own skin, my heart can break easier than you know, when u pay me a compliment I say thank you but don’t believe it, I’m afraid I going to screw my kids up every day, that every time I hear the word suicide I tear up,  I not afraid to die, you don’t know that when I hug you I hope it’s the best hug you’ve ever received, that if  I cry in front of you I’m hurting really bad inside, that I wanted more children but I thought have two of me was punishment enough to then, that every time  I get up to help or speak I have no idea what I’m going to say. That you ignore me because I’m odd and weird, that I’m jealous of what you have and I don’t, I’m afraid I wont’ get to my bucket list, I haven’t really changed, of the thoughts I have when I drink, why I don’t dream anymore,I will never love again at the depths that I know are possible, when I can’t find my shadow,
Why do I tell you this? I might be the only weird honest person in the world but what people tell me without asking I’m not alone in my thoughts. Everyone one of us feels and thinks these things a lot. We only want people to see the good but to appreciate e a person you have to know the bad to appreciate the good. We can pretend we don’t but if your honest you know it. Then I know these words have been mentioned Over 300 times in the Bible. Do not fear, do not be afraid. All I try now is share my heart which I just did and ask God please take these irrational and stupid fears because I’m not strong enough to do so.  Confession is what he asked us for, he didn’t ask us to stop sinning. Never feel alone in your walk and when you are fearful , remember  what God said : do not be fearful or afraid
love you





Day 584 Lights are on but your not home

1 09 2014

My kids are growing up in front of me and so many times I miss them because I’m worrying about what I’m not doing right. Saturday I caught one. My kids were laughing out loud  about our dog and the voices I do for her. They both looked at me and laughed which is the best sound but My daughter just said thank you and my son said your cool daddy even though your chest is hairy. Well moments like that can stay with you for a while.

I don’t have much to blog about tonight because I have too much on my mind. This song by Staind called Realty is a very deep and thought-provoking song. I know someone reading this might need the words to get through. Music always speaks to my soul and here’s to your soul!!

The lights are on
But you’re not home
You’ve drifted off
Somewhere alone
Somewhere that’s safe
No questions here
A quiet place
Where you hide from your fears

Sometimes when you’re out of rope
The way to climb back up is clear
The walls you build around yourself
I guess they also keep you here
Are you afraid of what they think?
Whoever they happen to be
Or are you hiding from the scars of
Your own reality?

So you sedate
And drown in vain
You’ve got a pill
For every day
A suit and tie
To mask the truth
It’s ugly head
Is starting to show through

Sometimes when you’re out of rope
The way to climb back up’s unclear
The walls you build around yourself
I guess they also keep you here
Are you afraid of what they think?
Whoever they happen to be
Or are you hiding from the scars of
Your own reality?

The monster you’re feeding
Your lack of perception
The things that you do
To fulfill your addictions
The light at the end
Of your tunnel is closing
What is it that you’re so
Afraid of exposing?
You’d give it all up for
What’s there for the taking
Whatever it takes to
Keep your hands from shaking
The same things you’re thinking
Might make you feel better
The same things that probably
Got you here

Sometimes when you’re out of rope
The way to climb back up’s unclear
The walls you build around yourself
I guess they also keep you here
Are you afraid of what they think?
Whoever they happen to be
Or are you hiding from the scars of
Your own reality?

The monster you’re feeding
Your lack of perception
The things that you do
To fulfill your addictions
(Your own reality)
The light at the end
Of your tunnel is closing
What is it that you’re so
Afraid of exposing?
(Your own reality)
You’d give it all up for
What’s there for the taking
Whatever it takes to
Keep your hands from shaking
(Your own reality)
The same things you’re thinking
Might make you feel better
The same things that probably
Got you here

 








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