Day 863 Just let me quit

7 06 2015

Have you ever walked into a warm wet blanket. If not come to Texas now. Its hit 95 for three days in row and since we still have standing water everywhere it’s so humid. Parts of my body stick together that just shouldn’t. Since I’m bald when I sweat it looks like the beads of sweat are having races down my head. Anyway it’s hot we knew it was going to be but it just slapped us all  in the face like when I used to talk back to my mom. Its hurts!! Carry on!!

I always wanted to help people. When you help people you only picture the good that comes from helping. You really never see when lives go haywire, or people die and take their own life. I have been very blessed to get in front of 1 or 1000 and tell my story. I only know its powerful and life changing because I get told every now and then. We get to spend a lot of times with Addicts in Rock Bottom Outreach. All of us were an addict in some form or fashion so we know the brain and thoughts of addicts and what addictions can do. It can be one of the best life altering moments when someones light bulb comes on and they change their life. All I or we do is open our mouth and tell our story. God takes over from there. Seriously if we took anymore credit then its about us and I’ve played that game. I lost at it every time.  What hurts the most when the light bulb goes out and it doesn’t come back on!

Last Wednesday we lost another brother. In February we had an event where we cooked hot dogs and hamburgers and our friend showed up drunk. The great thing about him was that even though he wasn’t comfortable in his own skin he showed up to serve God drunk and all. He never hid from his demons but he couldn’t rid him self of them either. Our director and I talked that he was going down the path of suicide and what more could we do. The answer is what we do for anyone, love them, hug them, be real, be Jesus and the rest is not up to us. When you’re in this environment you see destruction and spiraling out of control you know whats coming. For me I was in the destruction and I just had one brief second where I heard God and I’m still here. My friend is not he hung himself in a tree on Wednesday. I wish I could tell you that the 50 or so people who I know that have been rescued through the destruction are the ones I only think about. It’s the one like my friend Coy that hurt the worst. He had called me in April around 10:30 and just wanted to talk. he was drunk but I actually at that moment needed someone to talk too. He spoke for about 10 minutes at the end of the conversation he said just let me quit! I told him I can’t do that I love you I’m here until you don’t want to fight the battle. It’s not my job to let you quit its your decision. That haunts my mind a bit even though I know I and we did all we can do. It’s not the ones we help it’s the ones we don’t that hurt the most.

There is no life altering info I can give you except. There are people out there that want your life better, we are those people in Rock Bottom Outreach. No matter what we do sometimes the demons overcome even the best people. Reach out if you’re at the end, you’re not alone unless you choose to be. You have no idea how many people love you and would be so lost without you and I’m sorry we don’t tell you until you can’t physically hear it anymore.

God said it would be worth it but not easy. today it’s not easy!!





Day 680 You have to forgive yourself for Friday night

8 12 2014

The holidays are here and we went to the ballet, yes I took my kids to see the Nutcracker. It was so cool and the work they put in is amazing. My kids enjoyed it. I’m getting cultured in my seasoned age. Remember to give, it makes your heart feel like it works better.

For all my peeps that would like to listen about my testimony and where I am at now. I will be on Power Christian talk out of Denver, Colorado this Monday and Tuesday evening. . Here are all the ways to listen.PART 1 … Will be played Monday, Dec. 8th at 7pm mtn / 8pm cst on AM 810 KLVZ … Peeps can listen all over the world online at 810KLVZ.com or on any smart phone or iPad … There’s an app called Tune In Radio … It’s like a DVR .. you can record the show and listen later.PART 1 will also play again on AM 670 KLTT at 8pm mtn / 9pm cst same way on listening …670KLTT.com or by Tune In Radio. PART 2 … same schedule but on Tuesday, Dec. 9th

I never had a clue about forgiveness. I knew the word but that’s it. I committed all of these things crappy acts in life and had no idea what to do with them. One of the toughest lessons about forgiveness is that you cannot forgive someone else unless you can forgive yourself. I heard twice this week that God doesn’t forgive people like me. I know that’s one of the biggest lies that satan teaches BUT its one of the toughest things to learn.Here is my list and the list of things that I’ve heard people say can’t be forgiven on Friday night or any night: The hate I had for my parent, the words I spoke to my spouse, the wreck I caused, my divorce, the way I ignored my children, how drunk I was and made an ass out of myself, the things I sold to get my drugs, the death I caused, the women I abandoned after I had sex with them, every lie I told, How many people I used on my way to my goals, the anger I used on everyone, I can’t love anymore, the way I abused myself, how I trust nobody, these are just a few of thousands. I do a lot of self evaluating many would say too much. No matter where I’m at with God I really suck at forgiving myself. This has been a realization that I have just discovered in myself. No matter what I thought I had done I haven’t forgiven myself for the pain I brought into the lives of my kids. I push so hard to be a great dad I miss a the small things. I beat myself up and haven’t forgiven me for all the things I did to women. Therefore I  have a hard time loving and trusting. That’s a lie I don’t love or trust at all.  Sure there are things I have forgiven but many I haven’t.I wont bore you with more. The only advice I can give and work on is prayer and actually listening to those around me. If it was just easy to do it I would. I refuse to hurt anyone else so I stick to myself which maybe wrong to,but I don’t want to hurt others like I did before. I just ask for prayer and know I pray for many of you that read this. Life is a journey and this is my long narrow road right now, Tune in tomorrow and listen to my story and redemption.





Day 584 Lights are on but your not home

1 09 2014

My kids are growing up in front of me and so many times I miss them because I’m worrying about what I’m not doing right. Saturday I caught one. My kids were laughing out loud  about our dog and the voices I do for her. They both looked at me and laughed which is the best sound but My daughter just said thank you and my son said your cool daddy even though your chest is hairy. Well moments like that can stay with you for a while.

I don’t have much to blog about tonight because I have too much on my mind. This song by Staind called Realty is a very deep and thought-provoking song. I know someone reading this might need the words to get through. Music always speaks to my soul and here’s to your soul!!

The lights are on
But you’re not home
You’ve drifted off
Somewhere alone
Somewhere that’s safe
No questions here
A quiet place
Where you hide from your fears

Sometimes when you’re out of rope
The way to climb back up is clear
The walls you build around yourself
I guess they also keep you here
Are you afraid of what they think?
Whoever they happen to be
Or are you hiding from the scars of
Your own reality?

So you sedate
And drown in vain
You’ve got a pill
For every day
A suit and tie
To mask the truth
It’s ugly head
Is starting to show through

Sometimes when you’re out of rope
The way to climb back up’s unclear
The walls you build around yourself
I guess they also keep you here
Are you afraid of what they think?
Whoever they happen to be
Or are you hiding from the scars of
Your own reality?

The monster you’re feeding
Your lack of perception
The things that you do
To fulfill your addictions
The light at the end
Of your tunnel is closing
What is it that you’re so
Afraid of exposing?
You’d give it all up for
What’s there for the taking
Whatever it takes to
Keep your hands from shaking
The same things you’re thinking
Might make you feel better
The same things that probably
Got you here

Sometimes when you’re out of rope
The way to climb back up’s unclear
The walls you build around yourself
I guess they also keep you here
Are you afraid of what they think?
Whoever they happen to be
Or are you hiding from the scars of
Your own reality?

The monster you’re feeding
Your lack of perception
The things that you do
To fulfill your addictions
(Your own reality)
The light at the end
Of your tunnel is closing
What is it that you’re so
Afraid of exposing?
(Your own reality)
You’d give it all up for
What’s there for the taking
Whatever it takes to
Keep your hands from shaking
(Your own reality)
The same things you’re thinking
Might make you feel better
The same things that probably
Got you here

 





Day 195 Look at the movie Im in

22 07 2013

This weekend was the first time I had both of my kids with me in 3 weeks. We had a great time and I got to pick her Friday from the airport. It look liked she aged a year when she was walking up. I made this post yesterday morning on Facebook: The greatest sound I have ever heard is when my two kids are laughing. Thank u God for allowing me to finally stop and listen to what matters. I missed so many things in my life trying to “figure out life or me, but I’m learning to stop and yesterday they were both laughing out loud. I don’t think I had ever been that happy.

I have a friend that sends me these little says to get my opinion on them and yesterday she sent me the best one I have ever read and I mean it. It’s about when you find “that girl”

Bob Marley quote

I listen to a Sports radio station called The Ticket and it’s so much more than sports. They still talk about it but it’s about being in your own movie. I never understood what that meant but I started observing people more and I understand exactly what movie they are talking about. The movie is about Life and the only life they know is their own and every other person/character is just playing a bit role in their movie. I was that guy and should have won an Oscar for the story of one of the saddest/loneliest stories ever told. I was every scene and I thought I was so creative and you would never figure out the ending of my movie. 5 minutes in you wanted to leave because you knew the ending but you sad this idiot is about to crash and burn. We all know people like watching crash scenes or people’s life going into the toilet. How dare somebody walk into my movie and take my time. Do you know who I am? I didn’t even give you your lines and nobody wants to hear from you. That’s what happens when you have one of the worst addictions: Myself! All I thought about was me, myself and I. I had no true concept of love, or sacrifice. I didn’t care about what you said when you were talking to me I shook my head but I was preparing what I was going to say. I would even hug you when I left and tell you I missed you and loved you. I hope you didn’t fall for that. Some days I did care but mostly it was about my movie. When I tell you I’m sorry when its been a while since I’ve seen you I mean it. I’m sorry that I was tuned to station 101 Tyler. The commercials suck and the content was horrible. The station closed because of bankruptcy and new management! The drug of self maybe the toughest drug to come clean off of. I know and now I watch you. You say the right thing, you even put yourself out at charity events so people see you, but you don’t do anything. Your just hoping someone sees you there so you can say. I help the community. You’re at church so people see you there and you get back in your car and your life unravels before you start the engine. I’ve been there and it sucks. Pretend all you want your movie really stinks and nobody wants to see it. There making their own and to busy to watch yours.  If you don’t think people really know that you’re a selfish, egotistical, sad clown, stop right there! People talk about when you leave and there not talking smack they are speaking the truth. Put down your video camera and start dealing with who you really are so you can find out who you really are.

 





Day 195 Look at the movie Im in

21 07 2013

This weekend was the first time I had both of my kids with me in 3 weeks. We had a great time and I got to pick her Friday from the airport. It look liked she aged a year when she was walking up. I made this post yesterday morning on Facebook: The greatest sound I have ever heard is when my two kids are laughing. Thank u God for allowing me to finally stop and listen to what matters. I missed so many things in my life trying to “figure out life or me, but I’m learning to stop and yesterday they were both laughing out loud. I don’t think I had ever been that happy.

I have a friend that sends me these little says to get my opinion on them and yesterday she sent me the best one I have ever read and I mean it. It’s about when you find “that girl”

Bob Marley quote

I listen to a Sports radio station called The Ticket and it’s so much more than sports. They still talk about it but it’s about being in your own movie. I never understood what that meant but I started observing people more and I understand exactly what movie they are talking about. The movie is about Life and the only life they know is their own and every other person/character is just playing a bit role in their movie. I was that guy and should have won an Oscar for the story of one of the saddest/loneliest stories ever told. I was every scene and I thought I was so creative and you would never figure out the ending of my movie. 5 minutes in you wanted to leave because you knew the ending but you sad this idiot is about to crash and burn. We all know people like watching crash scenes or people’s life going into the toilet. How dare somebody walk into my movie and take my time. Do you know who I am? I didn’t even give you your lines and nobody wants to hear from you. That’s what happens when you have one of the worst addictions: Myself! All I thought about was me, myself and I. I had no true concept of love, or sacrifice. I didn’t care about what you said when you were talking to me I shook my head but I was preparing what I was going to say. I would even hug you when I left and tell you I missed you and loved you. I hope you didn’t fall for that. Some days I did care but mostly it was about my movie. When I tell you I’m sorry when its been a while since I’ve seen you I mean it. I’m sorry that I was tuned to station 101 Tyler. The commercials suck and the content was horrible. The station closed because of bankruptcy and new management! The drug of self maybe the toughest drug to come clean off of. I know and now I watch you. You say the right thing, you even put yourself out at charity events so people see you, but you don’t do anything. Your just hoping someone sees you there so you can say. I help the community. You’re at church so people see you there and you get back in your car and your life unravels before you start the engine. I’ve been there and it sucks. Pretend all you want your movie really stinks and nobody wants to see it. There making their own and to busy to watch yours.  If you don’t think people really know that you’re a selfish, egotistical, sad clown, stop right there! People talk about when you leave and there not talking smack they are speaking the truth. Put down your video camera and start dealing with who you really are so you can find out who you really are.








Matthew Winters (Honest Thoughts from a Pastor)

The life, ministry, & thoughts of a Christ-follower, husband, dad, & minister

LifeVersePoetry

Live. Love. Write.

My True North

A certain darkness is needed to see the stars.

Megha Bose

A peek into Megha's mind

jesussocial

Christian News, Devotional, Leadership, Church, Evangelism, Conference, Worship, Pastors , Bible, Gospel Music,Gospel,Salvation, GoodNews, Disciples, Cross,Winning, Love, Mercy,Bible Study,New Testament, Church,Matthew,Mark, Luke, John,Heart, Soul, Body,Mind,Spirit,Church History, Books, Pastorso, Evangelists. Teachers, Apostles, Healing, Leadership, Grace, Salvation, Faith,Lifestyle and Entertainment,

FAUZI

Invite Rizky FAUZI as Speaker - 08986800220 (Chat WA) | SUPPORT HAMIKU SUCCESS with SHARE IT | Setelah DIBACA timbal baliknya harus di-SHARE soalnya gak gratis... - RIZKY FAUZI

iksperimentalist

a collision of science and comedy

This is My Story, This is My Song.

This is my journey with faith, love, acceptance, redemption through God's incredible grace and mercy!

Surviving the affair....the cheaters perspective

I cheated. Yip I did it, I am not proud of it, but that won't change a thing. This is my story of me trying to survive one day at a time. No guarantees....

Light of Darkness

Every moment of light and dark is a miracle

%d bloggers like this: