Day 20 Reblog of one of my toughest’s blog

22 01 2013

I want to say a big shout out to my readers in Malaysia. I have 11 followers there. It’s amazing how people all over the world read this and thank you for doing so. I had a great day and met some interesting people today. I hope that these people were brought into my life to help me make a difference. Thank you to Jennifer Luney for holding me accountable, making me follow my goals and not taking no for an answer.

I know many of the people who read this blog never got to read my blog that I did in blog spot. I always have some people ask why did you start so I wanted to reblog some of my old posts. I know its lazy but maybe it will help explain a few things. July 26 2012

Tonight’s blog will be the toughest to write so far because I get into my father’s death.
Heading off in a bit to see the movie Ted again Funniest movie I have ever seen. I have  a lot of responses from last nights blog and man they were deep. I m glad I can those people out that got a hold of me. Just don’t quit keep pushing and surround yourself that truly wants  what best for you without getting anything in return.
Thank you again: to the following folks Cody T, Jessica L Jennifer R, Slyder Jim, Collin B. LauraZ.
I  still worry about money way to much and did today. It is a never-ending process and I tell God I believe that he will provide then try to find my own way.

I want it the way it has always been but different. I hope some can relate to this from the Book How to Stop the Pain: Children grow up in homes where criticism is the norm will live the rest of their lives out of the judgements they make about criticism. A boy may judge ” My mother criticized me because she loves me. That judgement may predetermine what kind of women he will marry. When he longs for love he will look for someone  who criticizes him. After all, that is his judgement concerning his mothers criticism. Criticism equals love, in his view. But then he cannot understand why he is miserable in this adult relationship.
Or the girl who passes judgement that all criticism is a form of rejection will be forced in another direction. She will avoid anyone who attempts to add any quality or direction to her life. She may search out a mate who has no opinion, is afraid or confrontation, and never shares his view. This could also be who she could potentially have an affair with. She could be doomed to a life with a non communicator, Unhappy with this person who seems so emotionless, she doesn’t understand shy she was ever attracted to him.

I thought this was a very powerful statement from the book and one I lived for so long.

After I left my parents house that day I started planning how to take care of my mom, and sister when my dad died. The one thing I feel so guilty about today is that I was really pissed about two days later that my dad bared his soul to me and now he was going to die. He left with all of the emotion and then you leave. I’m so thankful today that he said what he needed to because I know many who never got that chance. I never once thought about myself or prepared myself to mourn. I know I pulled away from my family some but when with them acted like everything was okay. I remember once my ex asked you sure you ready for your dad to die. My answer oh yeah I knew this was coming. No matter the lie  you tell yourself you never ready for a parent to die no matter what the relationship with them was. I went back to work on Monday and every was back to “NORMAL”. I did call my dads brother and tell him to come visit because he was about to die. He said that he would come visit on that Friday which was February 4th. I played the scenarios in my head and what I would say to everyone you know act like I was a big badass man and I had it under control because I did. Ha.
So on that Friday we all went to my parents house again to see my dad and his brother. They were identical twins and it was really weird seeing my uncle who was healthy and my dad who was so sick. When we arrived my dad had no idea that we were there they had given him so much morphine for his pain that he was out of it. I remember going to the table and telling him hi and he had no idea who I was. So I went outside and composed myself and came back in.
By this time your numb I  think. It was about to be the end of my dad’s life and I honestly felt nothing at the moment for him or anyone else. That night was the last night I saw my dad alive. I called a few times the following week but my mom said that he couldn’t respond. I knew that already but my guilty conscience felt better because I had stayed away from the situation. We had a few calls in the past saying your dads dying and come home but most of the time we took him to the hospital and he was okay. On February 10th at 9:38 pm my mom called and said Tyler its time to come home now. I went to the store to get medicine for your dad and he went into a coma. ( He sent my mom away to the store because I believe he knew this was coming). Her voice was different this time and I knew it was about to happen. The drive from Aubrey to Cleburne was the longest drive I have ever made. I wanted to get there but I didn’t. I was trying to prepare what to say and be strong etc.. None of it was working I pulled over on 35 3 times and threw up. I remember when I pulled up to the house I didn’t want to get out. I sat in the car and listened to a song don’t remember what it was and hoped it would never end. I got out looked at the house that was a giant piece of shot because of their financial situation and said boy what a great son your turned out to be. Your going to let your dad die in the piece of shit.. I didn’t let me ex go or my daughter. I wanted to protect them from seeing this  situation but honestly I wanted to protect them from seeing me struggling so bad. I wish more than anything I would have let them come I needed them so much.
I gave my mom a hug and told it was alright and she didn’t do anything wrong by leaving. I told her that she lived out her vows and God would reward her for the wife she was. My sister and I hugged and then joked because that’s how we deal with things. I then went into the bedroom and their he laid eyes closed and the weirdest breathing pattern I had ever seen. They said he can hear you so talk to him. I just sat next to him for a bit and didn’t say a word. I asked everyone to leave the room and then held his hand and cried. I apologized for being a failure, and letting him down, that I never became the athlete I was supposed to be, that I couldn’t help him get over the sickness. I told him I was sorry that I left him when he need me all I wanted was a squeeze or something but that wasn’t possible. The hospice nurse said he could live another 24-48 hours until all of his vital organs shut down. I pretty much laid next to him until he died. I will never forget at 8:15 am on Friday February 11th he breathing became very shallow. I knew it was almost over. I grabbed his hand and told him I was proud how hard he had fought and that I loved him but to go now. At 8:20 he left us. One of the most surreal moments in my life is that his body went from warm to cold as I held his hand. I know that was the spirit leaving him and he went to heaven. The one thing that no son should have to due is put a parent onto the gurney or into a hertz but I did. My dad was a big man and they needed help lifting him and getting him through the house. I did help and got him out to the Hertz helped lift him in and I closed the doors. I closed the doors to a lot that day but mostly my heart.

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