Day 55 Screw this

16 10 2012

This day can go to hell. I hope God grants me another day tomorrow.





Day 43 Honesty Yeah Right?

2 10 2012

I’m so sports sad today. My beloved Cowboys played like they were on vacation already and my Rangers lost and only have to win one game to win the division but I think they are going to get swept.

Honesty it’s one of the hardest things to be and hardest things for us to understand. Everyone likes honesty until u start talking about yourself or God forbid them. If your talking about someone u can get the amen and the shaking if the head yes. I hated honesty and now I m learning to respect it. When u find out things about yourself its hard to swallow but when others find out those things about u it’s almost impossible to accept. The only way for me to heal is to accept my mistakes, hurts and fears. That doesn’t mean I have handled it well but I wake up everyday asking for the power to shut my mouth. Some days good and some not so much. Fear causes us not to believe what we need to hear, same with rejection, and guilt.
with me u will always know where u stand good or bad. It’s fine until the bad comes along but I think I owe u that.
My counselor Brian said because of your honesty your going to get hurt more than when u lied. He said 95% of the world says they want the truth until they hear it. I found out the hard way the past two days. I told two different women why I couldn’t date them. They were my issues and there’s. I got literally verbally pummeled. I made the point that wouldn’t u rather me be honest now rather than 3-6 months down the road. The answer was an overwhelming no. They began to berate me, how dare u, etc. I know I m doing the right thing sure I could lead them on have sex with them, drop them and I honestly think they would be okay with that. I rejected them and was honest so I m a dick.
I am okay with being an honest dick that u can trust rather than another dick walking the earth leaving a trail of tears behind. I appreciate the encouragement I got today. helping us realize a fear. I needed it.

The book I ve been reading about judgement has helped me a lot and also let me know how far I fall. Proverbs  says foolish lips invite punishment.  Getting control of our words in one the key ways to change our world.. . A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back. Proverbs 29:11. I struggle with hold my feelings back. Sometimes  what  is the truth is not the fool it is just someone telling the truth.  I had pain today because I told my feelings and things I thought that needed to be heard.

One of the isms about me I make a statement and because yo don’t my dry humor, or my heart  you take it as mean. If you know me you know thats the farthest from the truth. Usually I m trying to make someone laugh. What I do have to do is learn that most people don’t get me or my intimidating personally if I m not smiling.. I ve seen the look in the eyes of those people or how their voice changes. Once its done though no apology will fix what I have said and I have to take the responsibility for that.. When we are judged or scrutinized we often fail to accept the responsibility  for how our words evoke opinions and judgements of others.. We think they should have known we didn’t mean that. We are actually asking them to judge us with that thought; we just want tot he judgement to come out in our favor. However people can’t read our minds. Matthew 12:37 Jesus said ” For by our words we are justified and by our words condemned. As someone wisely said make your words sweet and soft. You may have to eat the. By this time in my life I m very full.

Love ya all, Pass this along.








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