Day 1103 Depression medication? OMG Help me

7 02 2016

Thought I might get a blog in before the Superbowl starts. I wish I truly gave a crap about who won but I don’t. I’m ready for the commercials though. We had another Rock Bottom Outreach Sleeping bag handout yesterday. I love those events because yes we are helping others but I believe we get more out of it. I took my babies with me so one that get to see real life but also its good for them to do others. I got this amazing pic taken with them too makes my heart happy.

my family

If you have read my blog you know I have struggled with depression and it comes from about 3 generations back on both sides. I had been off of medication for about 2 years and then in October life started creeping in on me. I really struggled because I was so mad that I couldn’t control my feelings. I had anger, sadness, despair. I also had days where I was so happy and excited but the bad days out weighed the correct thoughts. I know depression is a chemical imbalance not that you’re weak or have problems being strong. Its something you can’t handle. With at one point going to commit suicide I decided I better get back on medication. I got on Lexipro and in about 4 days I felt so much better and after two weeks I didn’t feel much of anything. There were no lows but also no highs. I could have been on fire and all I would have thought is I should put that out (said in Ben Stein’s voice). I didn’t get angry, passionate sad, depressed, lovey, or anything. I was okay with it because nothing was bad but I like to have feelings. I like to experience life and I was walking in it but I was numb. I just shrugged my shoulders and went on and that’s not me.  Then came December 29th and my mom died. I was super sad but I was calm to calm for me. I thought maybe it was because my walk with God or just I had grown up.  3 weeks into this I had only cried 4 times. I thought about her all the time but I was just here in a black hole of nothing. I didn’t want to be just here I wanted to feel and feel deep. I knew though that if I got off it I would be in big trouble. I couldn’t have this hit me all at once. So Last Monday I called my Dr and asked if I could half my dosage. She said yes and knows me well so I did it. I started really feeling different yesterday. Feelings that I haven’t felt in 3 months came on. I thought, grieved, laughed and cried yesterday. Today I actually felt and heard the message at church. I felt overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions. I felt love for my kids I hadn’t had in a while. I cried myself to sleep last night. I had thoughts about my mom that I hadn’t in years. On the 11th of this month my dad will be gone for 11 years and I thought about what my parents were doing in heaven. Mostly I thought about where my life was and was I good enough.

It may not sound like it but I need to feel, I need to live, I need to experience this journey that I didn’t expect to happen. I believe many people and I know a few that feel the same way I do. They hate not feeling and they got off  the depression medicine. I can’t tell you what to do but know if you need medicine get on it and stay on it, but work your rear off while your on it to better yourself and let it be something that is not a mainstay. Don’t live on it because this world is meant to be lived not numbed. I’m not sure what the next few weeks bring but I’m thankful to feel whatever the heck normal is again.

Matthew Winters (Honest Thoughts from a Pastor)

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