Day 1084 That’s what love is

17 01 2016

As a blogger you write mostly what interests you but at the same time you hope your reader truly enjoys it. Then sometimes you write because you need it. You want to write so you can come back and feel moments in your life, see how far you’ve come or just what in the world was in your brain at that time. I write tonight for me. It’s just some of my thoughts that I’ve had and discussed  in counseling.

Faith, Hope, and Love and the greatest of these is ….. LOVE! My mom was love in every sense of the word. It just exuded  out of her. Tough, physical, mental, emotional she was all of that. She was my example and now a realization has hit. I was talking to my counselor Brian before Thanksgiving and  told him in my life women have never loved me except my mom. Sure I had 2 long relationships then a 14 year marriage but those women never loved ME! They loved who I was going to become or what I could do for them but never the love I deserved or should have received. Before I go on this isn’t “poor Tyler” or God loves you Tyler. I know that. God did put us on this earth and he did say again Faith, Hope and Love and the greatest is LOVE.

I know I have a lot of work to do on myself and will until the day I die but I do know what love is, I exude it, I give it and I express it in whatever way you need it, but now mine is gone. Sure I was a mamas boy but it was to easy not to be. I realized tonight on a 5.5 hr drive home that I could live to be 100 and never feel that love again. Not just because she was my mom but that’s how she loved. I could write for 5 more hours about how my mom loved but I ll just give a few that hit me tonight.

After my dad became disabled things got horrible but my mom made sure we stood tall. I remember this piggy bank It was of a basset hound it was full of money. She brought me in my room and gave me a little hammer and said son we need this money now but lets break this bank together. We sat on the floor and with tears running down her eyes I asked why do we have to do this. She said because life isn’t always fair but you make the best of it. I said now what? She said now we love each other more than we ever have because we need it.

My sophomore  of school when all hell had broke loose in our family and  things were being pawned and life was unbearable. I had to have an operation to shorten my left leg. Dr. came into my room the day after the surgery and looked at us and said he’ll never walk right and again and sports is out of the question. My mom said well sir you don’t know my son but I do and your wrong. When the dr left the room she turned around to me and looked me in the eye and said you will be do everything you ever wanted to do because I know you, I had you and I love you. Now get your ass out of bed and let’s go to physical therapy. She was at ever physical therapy appt with her own brand of encouragement and the kiss on the cheek at the end. 6 months later I was cleared to play football again.

I told this at my mom’s Eulogy. The night before I attempted suicide I called my mom and to shorten the conversation I told her life had become too much and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I told her that I wouldn’t do anything stupid (which was a lie) but I didn’t know which way was up. She didn’t lecture me at all. She paused so long I said mom are you still there. She said son what your feeling is temporary, I know you’re hurting but you will get through this. She said only God can fix this. She then called me by my whole name Jason Tyler Wood I love you.  Good night son! The next day the attempt failed. I was so embarrassed it took me a week to call her and tell what I had tried. She said I know son. When I hung up with you I yelled to God to save my son because I can’t. That is what love is. When you have no idea you reach to the one who does.

AS I struggle and pray to feel the love my mom showed me. I know that there is no one else like her. I miss her like crazy and know that she was truly proud of the man I had become today.

 

 

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One response

18 01 2016
MeRaw

Thinking of you.
Take good care x

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