Day 1077 You’re never ready

11 01 2016

Thank God I got my kids back on Friday.  I needed some normalcy and no matter what they make me laugh even my teenager daughter.  My son and I took this selfie where we were both smiling. Its been a while since I have so I’m sharing it because for a bit I was happy even missing my mom.

Daddy and B

No matter what happens in life your never ready. Even when preparing for it your not ready. I wasn’t ready for my mom to die. To be honest I have never been more shocked by anything in my life. I never expected to get that call in my worst nightmares. If you go back 11 years when my dad passed away I stayed in a defensive position for 7 years. I never changed anything. I was so beaten and broken by own crap I just kept accepting my own excuses,  and everything that happened to me was someone elses fault. I used my dad’s death as an excuse to be a crappy person  and stayed that way.

After being here almost two weeks out from my mom passing away I know what I have to do is move forward. Please don’t think I m not telling myself or anyone else to grieve because believe me I am. I wouldn’t ever tell anyone that. I’ve had two days since she died that I stopped because I couldn’t put one foot in front of the other. My mom who was my rock, my closest friend, was gone. I stopped and cussed God, I cried tears I have never had in my life but I kept moving forward. My mom taught me and would expect me to do that. She taught me to never quit, no matter how bad life was kicking my butt. I always hear her echo to me never quit or I’ll kick your butt do you understand.

I’m writing this to tell you that I’m hurting you may never know when you see me but I’m a ball of knots and what the heck is going on. My relationship with God is something that I know more  now than ever is real. I don’t feel forsaken, I don’t feel he left me. I do feel upset, sad, disappointed heartbroken but I also feel peaceful, hopeful and loved and after my dad passed I never felt that.

There are never perfect conditions to move forward and I mean never. I do know my limitations of who I am and if I stay stuck in them or feel sorry myself everyday I know where I can end up. Ive done it before. Whatever life is throwing at you move forward, never give up. It may not feel right but take the moments you need to grieve, or just breathe but please don’t give up.

To the 5 people who have checked on my either every day or every other day I may not be able to put into words right now how much you have helped me but I love you and appreciate you.




One response

11 01 2016

Great photo.

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