Day 975 When nobody is looking

28 09 2015

Its been 10 days since I blogged. It seems like I have a million ideas but couldn’t put my thoughts into words so here I am today trying to put 10 days of thoughts into one blog.

One lesson I remember from my dad is that who you are when nobody is looking is truly who you are. I fought for so long. I wanted you to think I was the greatest thing since Oreos. I would tell you all the great things I did, from helping the homeless, giving money to people who needed it, giving a job to someone or writing a note to make sure someone was having a great day, I would pick up trash in front of someone, or speak loud enough when I was giving good advice so everyone could hear it.  Problem was is that when I was alone, I hated people, I talked about them, I cussed God, if I didn’t worry about me then nobody will including God, I thought about every fear I had, my lack of self-esteem, how unworthy I was, and how much I hated myself.

If you’re trying to look great on the grand stage of life you can. You can paint the most glorious of pictures and tell how great it is but  if all you’re doing inside is building walls then eventually you crumble. If you have to tell people how great you are then you’re not.  If your only willing to do good when someone is watching the boat has been missed.Some of the greatest people I know have never mentioned a thing good they have done. Somebody else did or I caught it with my own eyes. That is what makes somebody good and a warrior for God when they aren’t looking for praise but just to truly make someones life better.

My other point is what you think about yourself when your alone is who you are. Some of what society says are the best people in the world hit their Rock bottom because who they were when they were alone is what they couldn’t overcome. My friend AJ always said you could put a dress on a pig but it’s still a pig. Meaning in this instance that if you proclaim all your good and inside your dying then that’s what will happen.

Here’s a great example: If we were talking I would tell you that I want to love again and would do anything to prove that. When I get alone with my thoughts and even when Im talking to God my conversation is totally different. Its more that: I won’t fall in love, I don’t deserve it, God doesn’t want that for me and essentially I sabotage myself. We are what we believe not what we proclaim out loud to others.

So after getting a good jolt of reality today I have more to work on. I sigh because the process never ends but if you know it then God and we can fix it. It’s so true that you are what you believe when your alone then at least there are good things I believe that I never used to believe so I have to look at the positive too.

When I’m alone I know I like pizza, Oreos and football. See I’m already getting better. Thank you




One response

1 10 2015

It takes a lot of strength to be able to look at yourself and admit things like that. But, to be able to tell others about it… that takes it to a whole other level. Blessings. 🙂

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