Day 895 What I learned in Detox

9 07 2015

Some things you need to do to just try, sometimes you do them just because and sometimes you’re looking for answers. I went on a Detox from all social media starting Sunday night at 11 until this morning at 7. Im sure some people are like your serious you needed that. The answer is yes. Im looking for answers for a few things which I’ll mention in a bit. Detox is a detox. We all struggle with something and we all have an addiction if you admit it or not doesn’t matter its true. In May 1997 I spent 5 days in detox after being drunk for 33 days straight so I understand that and that was by far more difficult and I came out of that sober but with still a Christmas Wish list of issues. This time I feel I have some real answers and direction. I know mostly I used social media as a false companion to distract myself from thinking and avoiding what mattered. You can have your circle of Facebook friends and still have no connection at all because the only connection you can truly form with someone with  personal face to face interaction. You can hide or be somebody you’re not in Social media. I don’t want to be that

Here are somethings that I know for sure: God loves me and I’m going in his direction and not mine, no matter how many times I drop the ball Im doing really good as a dad, Im a good friend, and my heart is genuine and pure. I live for others and giving back everything I can. I did this to get away from the negativity not just to the world but to me and mostly to realize if I’m lovable. I have heard more than 20 times dude you’re a woman’s dream, why are you single, you have to let go and try. I was beginning to believe I wasn’t lovable well…. Im very love able but what Im not is trusting. I love me a lot more than I knew. Im also very proud to be in this place in my life. If you have ever experienced my love you know not only in my hug but the giving that I do is what love is. I don’t judge, and I try to love you when you don’t love yourself.  But trust and getting to the point of love I suck at. What I do understand is this: If you ready this blog you understand my relationship with my father. I never wanted to be like him and as I get older Im more like him. My dad always thought that everyone was coming at him with an angle. They don’t care about me they only want to hurt, scare, or take from me. He was cheated on and after that he punished every women in his life including the most amazing woman God created my mother. She was all about the vows and loved him when most women would have shot him.  When he became disabled she did things for him that I couldn’t fathom and even when he said please leave me she wouldn’t. After witnessing this I made a pledge to myself that I would never be my father and treat a woman the way he treated my mom because he didn’t trust. Now that Ive been single for 3 years I don’t trust! I wonder what your angle is? I hear about well this person is so loyal, caring and trusting. I nod my head but inside I’m like yeah right. You’re a liar and if I let you get close to me your going to break my heart and take another part of me that I just cant give away again. So getting off of social media you learned all of this. Yes I did and now I have a big bunch of questions of to fix it. The best is I know. I know Im a great lover ( not just sexually perverts lol), but I attract love and people. I don’t trust but if you’re in my circle be glad your there because its small. I know if I ever want to have a relationship, where my soul can be pierced and God is involved I have to trust that he will allow me to open my heart back up. My conversations with God have not been approached with kid gloves so he knows where I stand and for the first time in a while I know he always hears me but I heard him. A work in progress yes and proud of it. So if you see me on social media too much you have my permission to tell me because that means Im trying to distract myself from what I should be focusing on.  Thanks for always reading and send me more grumpy cat memes on social media because he makes me laugh. Okay don’t do that!!!!

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