Day 877 I know what I did wrong as a father

21 06 2015

Happy Sunday and Happy Fathers day. Its one of the best days of the year for me but also one of the toughest.  In about 2 hours I get my babies and my mom, sister and nephew get together to laugh, make fun of my mom because she’s an easy target and remember my dad. Then off to Jennings Louisiana to d0 a 7:00 am radio show with Rock Bottom Outreach team. Busy day but couldn’t ask for more.

This day is great for many. They had the best fathers and can only heap praise on their father. For you you’re in a rare place and hold on to that. For so many Fathers day is a tough day! Maybe because your dad has passed away, he was an abuser, absent, physically or verbally, a womanizer, he was a drunk, a drug user etc. Or your ex was a crappy dad, to your kids, and a bad spouse, and just never made it as a man. More people feel this way and today stinks for many Today  call ur old man. Tell him you love, tell him you forgive him, he Needs to hear it. He knows the mistakes he made but I promise he loves you. It may never be the way you want but bring peace to ur heart. Do it while you can.

Here’s why: The 14 years I was married there a few times I felt I was a good dad but I mean only a few. I struggled so much with my faults, my worthless feelings, a crappy provider, a failure,  bitterness towards my father, I was there physically but not mentally, that it was almost impossible to feel I could have been a good dad. I could promise you this: If you asked me why I wasn’t a good father I could have told you in about 20 secs all the reasons. I always knew. I mean I could spew off to you always why I wasn’t. My heart hurt about it and I wanted to be a great dad so bad. I have never, NEVER, heard a man say when his child was born I can’t wait to be a horrible dad. We usually had bad examples, or friends weren’t good examples so you just get stuck. Fear is crippling and when men aren’t brought up around it, we aren’t born nurturing , we are just handed this precious baby and now your dad. What happens when men are fearful and confused. We run and we already think the mom will be a parent and not screw them up ,so we leave or stop.

The last 6 months of my dad’s life he poured out all of doubts and fears that he had felt about himself and what he thought about who he was as a father. I was 29 years old when died and my whole life I wanted to hear the things he said. He held those thoughts inside him and it literally ate him alive. To hear your father tell you as a broken, scared, fearful 29-year-old boy that he wished he was half the man I was speaks volumes on so many levels. My point is that he knew what he had done wrong, his demons didn’t allow that to change. He told me but he took it to his grave feeling that way.

I had to have my life crumble to pieces right in front of me because of pride, ego, stubbornness and a lack or want to follow God. Through that process of Rock bottom I got to live out everything I had done wrong with my children, I saw what I did to them, but now  by God’s I was able to raise through those ashes, get off of my knees and through the wrong I have worked my butt off to be a great father. I know I still fail my kids but I can say I’m sorry and correct it. My greatest joy in my life, even scared through it ,is knowing I’m a daddy and the love I have for my kids. It took my 36 years to get there but I’m here.

All I can ask is: I don’t know your exact situation with your dad, if he’s alive you have no idea how bad he’s beating himself up over the mistakes he made with you. Today is a day to put a stop to the constant reminder of his failures. Call him, go see him, tell him you forgive and you love him. It may never change one thing but telling him those things is for you so you can move  on. He does love you and might have the worst way in the world of showing it but maybe its time to let him know. God’s in control of how he handles it, pray for him and let your heat finally be at peace.

Thanks for reading!! Love ya

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