Day 856 Is everyone here make believe

31 05 2015

Another weekend without baseball makes my son frustrated. He said doesn’t God understand were trying to be championship and you can’t  do that sitting at home. The rain is finally stopping for a week and I it’s so far past time. We are full of water and now the mosquitoes will feast on my head and my tasty blood. If you see me bringing out the saddle it’s not for the horses its to tame a swarm of mosquitoes. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve said today but hope you smiled if not I’ll try harder!!

Growing up in the country we had a lot of ideal time. We had 50 acres of land and very few friends that lived close. So I had an imaginary friend named Roscoe and when there was nobody to play with I had Roscoe and my dog Rusty. We played everything from cops and robbers, to make-believe, anything the world was our  playground. Make believe was great because you could always be something you couldn’t normally be. I have always been opinionated and outspoken my whole life. Sometimes that has paid off and sometimes I wish I would have just been quite. In my quite times I learned not to be real with what I thought and felt. A very select few got to know my deepest thoughts and that carried even into my marriage. Roscoe my imaginary friend knew things when I was little but then since I was such and individual and liked to live on the island of me, I sank with my deepest thoughts into the depths of my soul. They stayed there until August of 2011 when I unleashed them with my attempted suicide. After going to counseling and studying and learning and fighting everything that I felt right it was time to get real!! I will talk about any and everything. Things that most people want to hide and wont even touch that part of their soul. Why do you it? I ve been asked more than I can count. My answer is always: for me its all I know. The truth will set you free and now I know what that truly means.

Last night I was having a drink with my buddy and he went to talk to someone else and I was left outside at this pub and just enjoying not talking to anyone but being there and a college friend pops out of nowhere. After the typical questions you get when you hadn’t seen someone in a while. He said You were always real and I wish I could have done that. I tried to explain well I really wasn’t but he stopped and said do you think everyone here is playing make-believe. I said yes absolutely and I knew exactly what he meant.

I have 3 people in my life that have shared the innermost parts of their heart a soul. I mean that crap that scares people so bad that they cringe or get squirmy in your seat. I could tell you things that you wouldn’t believe or want to you. My buddy last night said we’ve been friends for 5 years and every time you can tell me something that’s almost impossible to believe but people back it up and agree it happened.  I lived in a fake world and it literally almost took my life. So whats the point:

I don’t expect anyone to be like me, if you feel in bondage and your life not changing then why not try to stop playing make-believe. People see through your crap. They may never say a word but when you reach a certain age you just know ALL people have struggles and seasons no matter how many beautiful dresses they try to put in their life. God has seen everything I have done. Its embarrassing but he sent Jesus to die for my stupidity and sins so who am I trying to impress. No matter what I do I will get judge good or bad, I will be put on a pedestal and knocked off of it. I will feel worthless some days and others on top of the world. My job is no longer to try to impress you. Sure I want you to say man that guy is freaking amazing but then that’s just feeding my stupid ego. All I’m asking is if you want to be in my life boat I need all of you. yes even that part of you because that’s what I understand. It’s sad how amazing some people truly are and hide it based on past relationships, the thoughts of somebody else or what you tell yourself everyday in the mirror. I stink at make-believe but I’m really good at being real. Just remember that you can put a dress on a pig but it’s still a pig no matter aspect of make-believe you play.




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