Day 816 I don’t know

22 04 2015

Many of the seasons I have learned in the last 4 years is how to keep my mouth shut. I’m still not great at it but I promise I try so hard.  We as men have always been raised to fix it, have all the answers and we when we didn’t our worth as a man was shattered.

My past life I always had the answers all of them from God himself to how to plant a garden which I had never done. You asked a question either I had studied it or made it up because I wanted you to think how great, how smart, how worldly I was. In my business I would even walk away and say wow that was some pretty good made up crap!! Never in my life would I say I don’t know let me go find the answer. First of all I would never have asked for help and second I wouldn’t look vulnerable. If another men thinks you don’t know something and he does well he’ll get the last laugh. You also would never not have the answer in front of a woman. I had a great God complex because I thought I had to or did know everything. I remember once I literally went and threw a brick at a house were  working on because I gave the wrong answer. I was so arrogant I thought I had to know everything. I was a control freak and that’s what we do. We control and know everything. Funny thing is we don’t know anything and can barely control our bowels..

In the past year especially I don’t want to know everything it takes too much energy. If I’m the smartest man in the room I need to go to another room. If I don’t have the answer or if you need it now google it otherwise I truly don’t care. I’m no longer a control freak or care to be. There are plenty of other people to care that torch. The best words that I have uttered the last year of my life are I love you and I don’t know. I walk away in either situation with a full heart and empty mind.

Today was my 6th week of counseling and about 20 minutes in I wondered why I came today. Then my counselor Brian started pouring some things on me. We have the back and forth counseling role going lol. I listened more than I spoke today and all I kept saying to myself was I don’t know. About 5 minutes before we closed I looked at Brian and said I don’t know. I have no idea how to get over this hump I was in. I don’t know and I started crying. I was overcoming with emotions and I had didn’t know why, how or what the heck I was crying for or felt rudderless.  I told Brian that the past six weeks and been the crappiest 6 weeks in a long time. we paused for about 30 secs and it felt like an hour and Brian said can we pray. I just nodded. He started and said I know this is going to make Tyler more upset but the past 6 weeks was the best six weeks I had with him. Then theses words hit me like a ton of bricks If Tyler can’t make it and figure out this world then we are all screwed. We got up and hugged each other and then with a big smile said what do I owe you for this session. ………….

I’m not sure why I wrote this today except my head and heart were about to explode and I needed to get it off my chest. Is there a lesson? Yes for me “I don’t know” is okay and in the confusion of I don’t know  and my tears maybe was the answer I have been searching for. I have the answers and they are sitting with me everywhere I go. If I choose to believe in me and trust I lose the I don’t know.




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