Day 786 Im so sorry I lied-I am fearful

22 03 2015

I have my whole crew back and my mom and nephew came up last night as well. We went and saw the movie Do you believe! It was outstanding. Most Hollywood God movies are cheesy acted and predictable but this was not. Also my childhood hero Brian Bozworth was in it and did  great.

I’m fearful and I have lied and told you I wasn’t Here is what goes through my brain and heart if I’m honest.

:you will see my jokes are to cover my insecurities, that my anger is my true feelings about myself, when I’m honest I only hope u accept it and not reject it, that when I’m happy you know that  I don’t believe I deserve it, that every person I’ve kicked out if my life I miss them, that I crave a family again, that when I try to look tough I’m tired of being tough, the lies I told I wish they were true, I never believe I measured up,
That you will see the goodness of my heart and stomp on it again, I trust no one, I’m a great lover, that when I look into your eyes I really am trying to get to know you whoever you are, that I think more like a non-believer than a believer most days, I’m not comfortable in my own skin, my heart can break easier than you know, when u pay me a compliment I say thank you but don’t believe it, I’m afraid I going to screw my kids up every day, that every time I hear the word suicide I tear up,  I not afraid to die, you don’t know that when I hug you I hope it’s the best hug you’ve ever received, that if  I cry in front of you I’m hurting really bad inside, that I wanted more children but I thought have two of me was punishment enough to then, that every time  I get up to help or speak I have no idea what I’m going to say. That you ignore me because I’m odd and weird, that I’m jealous of what you have and I don’t, I’m afraid I wont’ get to my bucket list, I haven’t really changed, of the thoughts I have when I drink, why I don’t dream anymore,I will never love again at the depths that I know are possible, when I can’t find my shadow,
Why do I tell you this? I might be the only weird honest person in the world but what people tell me without asking I’m not alone in my thoughts. Everyone one of us feels and thinks these things a lot. We only want people to see the good but to appreciate e a person you have to know the bad to appreciate the good. We can pretend we don’t but if your honest you know it. Then I know these words have been mentioned Over 300 times in the Bible. Do not fear, do not be afraid. All I try now is share my heart which I just did and ask God please take these irrational and stupid fears because I’m not strong enough to do so.  Confession is what he asked us for, he didn’t ask us to stop sinning. Never feel alone in your walk and when you are fearful , remember  what God said : do not be fearful or afraid
love you

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