Day 753 Im not afraid to die

18 02 2015

I made the best pot roast ever last night in the Crock Pot. If they gave out the reward for single fathers who can crock pot cook Im hands down the best. I would be famous and be on the cooking channel and have my own show called single, bald and full of crock!! Pretty catchy I know. Honestly though I’m a great cook. The end.

I love how people  open up to me. I had a conversation yesterday it was very generic at first then he asked me about how I’m so happy after divorce. I said well I’m not always happy but I’m very content in the direction of my life and the biggest thing is I’m not co-Dependent anymore. I explained co- dependency and then out of no where he said do you want to die? I said good Lord no I don’t I want to die! He said so your afraid to die? I said do you understand the difference between the two? He looked at me puzzled so I explained.

I only wanted to die once in my life  it was a rock bottom and almost in the most selfish way decided to take my life. Where I am now its the last thing I would ever want to  happen. My kids need me and want me, I have a true relationship with God and Im changing lives. I have a purpose and I know I’m loved. I never want my mom to have to bury me, I want to see where and how my sister and nephew lives go. I have some of the best friends in  my life that I want to enjoy it with. So no I do want to die it never crosses my mind but Im also Im not afraid to die.

I have seen and held death twice in my arms. Once a car wreck victim, the other a friend got shot and died on the spot. I should have died twice I was stupid and put myself in two horrible situations and in every case I was afraid to die. I prayed to God please don’t take me I have more to do. You see I thought I was in control and I was telling God what he needed to do. Im sure he just slapped his forehead and shook his head and said you really don’t get it. Im in control and I decided remember Im God not you. If you fast forward to right now!

Im not afraid to die I don’t want to die but if it happens I know this: I have made amends to all of those I have wronged, I m not about me Im about helping others and changing their life if they want it. I have given my children the foundation they need and they know I love them more than anything and I would give my life for them in a snap of a finger, My mother can be proud of the man she raised, my sister and nephew know I have and will love them and given my heart and soul to my family. Those that interact with me know that he is a loving and giving soul and I believe most not all would have encouraging words about me. Finally My God knows me and my heart. Sure I screw up and do things wrong but I wont have to get to the gates and hear what in the name of me were you doing!!  The guy looked at me and said I definitely understand now and I have a lot of work to do because I’m scared sh%tless to die. He asked me to help him get there. So I will do my best.

I m not afraid of death anymore but I don’t want to die either. I hope I’m 80 and still blogging or whatever its called then but if not I’m okay with that too. Walk on my Good and faithful son.

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