Day 719 Can I take a knee please

15 01 2015

I got my babies back a day early because of my trip. Never been so glad to see my two little peeps and I got those hugs. The ones were your really missed and not because I have to hug you. I also trimmed my goatee today. I feel naked but handsome. I guess I’ll take both feelings lol.

If you know how the devil works when you are closest to God he tries so hard to breakdown. He cause you to doubt and will throw things at you that can cut you to the core. Getting back from my trip I’m on cloud right now. Even with yesterday. If you have never been in a fight or in a sporting event  you may not understand what a gut punch is. It’s where the air gets knocked out of you. The first time it happens you think you’re dying, you can’t get air. After it happens a few times it still sucks but you know the air will come back to you. In most cases unless in a fight you ask can I please take a knee. I need a minute to catch  my breath. You catch your breath but its a feeling you hope you never have again. Go back to yesterday.

I had an appt with an endocrinologist for my diabetes and even though the news wasn’t that bad to most I was truly floored. I had lost more weight. I weigh what I did when I entered the 8th grade.  Then she went over my blood work and some of it was better but the things that mattered were worse. I  truly had no idea what to do. She said lose 20 more lbs, changed my medicine, and told me essentially I had to eat perfect to get rid of this. There are a lot more details but I went out in my car put my head on my steering well but I cussed and got pissed. It really threw me back. You put in a lot of hard work and no results. As I’m sitting there I get  a text that  my friend Jesse in Indiana had overdosed. Jesse is one of those friends that everyone needs. He was what society would call scum but he would do anything for you. He cleaned up your dirty work. With my  past we had fun but did stuff that I can’t explain. The thing that sucks is that 11 months ago Jesse found God and had been clean for 9 months. It floored me that out of nowhere that  he had been clean  and now dead from an overdose. His girlfriend just said life had become too much and he went back around those people and he needed to escape for a bit. He did escape and for a time yesterday I wanted to. I felt so beaten and broken yesterday. I felt like a failure in so many ways.

I don’t lean on anyone for strength. I try to always find it within myself. I am trying to rely on God and  others now and yesterday I wanted to but didn’t. I try to do everything so I wont depend on anyone else, I hate showing weakness.  So what I’m saying: if your like me which so many are. There are days you’re going to need to take a knee. Life will deliver the perveriable gut punch. If that person reaches out and asks you for help, no matter how small or insignificant it may sound, stop and do it. The strongest people are the ones that fall the hardest. It takes more to pick them up too. So if you see someone taking a knee, extended the helping hand it will be the best breath of air  you could deliver.

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