Day 683 what did you say the last time you talked to him

10 12 2014

Watching and listening to children grow and believe in themselves is truly an awe-inspiring experience. Last night I went to my daughters Christmas Choir concert. She did amazing and she sounds better than in September. Just watching them all look more confident and listening to Silent night made me so happy. If we blink we miss it so I kept my eyes open last night.

I mentioned in my last blog I was on a Christian radio show in Denver Colorado the past two nights. It went amazing and I was so thankful for the opportunity to share my testimony and how the redemption was happening now. I had many friends and others I had no idea about tune in and listen but the one person that tuned in and made me nervous was my mom. She had never heard my testimony and never really knew my past and things that came with that. I wasn’t embarrassed because I’m past that point but I was nervous for her because I didn’t want her to blame herself for my stupidity.Like any good mom she did blame herself but was very open to what happened and was very proud of where I was and the courage I had to talk about my missteps. We talked about many things and truthfully I was emotionally spent and ready to get off the phone then she asked me a question I really wasn’t ready for.  What did you and your dad talk about the last time you talked to him before he died. I gulped, why do you ask mom? She said your dad said it was between you and him and that’s where it needed to stay. I sat there silent and she said are you still there? Yes mom I just haven’t opened that box in a long time. I told her that he apologized to me for the way he treated you, that he was so sorry that he gave up on himself, he made me promise that no matter what I did to protect and serve your sister and mom, that he was so happy the day I was born, to make sure to have another child and he would be a boy, and he wished that he was half the man I had become. At that moment I started crying telling my mom and then I stopped. To this day and it will probably stay quiet within me until I can tell my son there are 3 other things that are best left between my dad and I. My mom doesn’t need to know because she wouldn’t understand and I guess its my treasure that I can continue to unwrap in my mind until its time to present it to my son. No matter what happened between my dad and I he left me with a lifetime memory and thought. I appreciate that talk we had so much more that I forgave him and now I hear what he was telling me. That was the last time I talked to my dad and one week later he slipped into a coma and I never saw him alive again. So is there a point to  this blog. Forgiveness allows you to see things in the light they were meant. It allows your heart to open and love moments that only come along once.  I’m following what he asked of me to the very best I can. He was right have another child and he was a boy, serve and protect your mom and sister and I’m doing my best with that. Mostly what I’m doing is loving my dad more than I ever have.

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