Day 660 This realization hit me like a brick today

17 11 2014

If you have friends that are single during the holidays reach out to them. This is a tough season on anybody but single people get alienated in society this time of year. I promise just do it please its needed.

Got a an email yesterday about a guy in my men’s group. Brad was trying to make a fire in his home – at some point poured gasoline on a smoldering log, and it flashed, catching him on fire.  He ran outside and pulled his shirt off, dropped and rolled, then ran back inside to put fire out in-house.  He is in Parkland with 2nd and 3rd degree burns from waste up. (His face didn’t look too bad in pic, mostly side of face and ears I think. I went to see him and I hate hospitals, nothing good happens there but I needed to go to let him know he was loved and not by himself. They were doing a skin peel when I got there which is something I hope to never see again. I talked to his wife and her mind was everywhere, she was handling so much and doing an amazing job. I just kind of watched him  sleep and said a few prayers. He eventually woke up and  he was doing rather well considering what he had gone through. He made a few points to his wife about things that needed to be done which she had already done them and then listed off a few more she already taken care of. Then my being uncomfortable and seeing someone I cared about being burned up got to me and I left. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

If something happened to me I’m alone and I have nobody to take care of me. Sure people would come by and do things but I’m talking about caring for my every need until I can again. I’m a stubborn ahole so I would try my best to not let people help me but there comes a time and place where somebody has to help. I watched my mom take care of my dads every need and I mean every need and want. She lived her vows like God asked us to so I’ve seen it and know what it’s about. I had a long walk to my  car and I thought i have never thought about it but I’m alone and I would just be sitting in a room waiting for a nurse to take care of me. The realization made me so sad. I wasn’t afraid of it but its something that you don’t want to think about, but could happen. I know there’s nothing I can do about it, well I guess I could but you know what I mean. I know that I was in love once and would have done anything for her. I hope this time I find someone who would do that for me because I would for them. Just knowing if it’s now or when were 80 to know that one person would do anything for you no matter what the circumstance stance is a very peaceful feeling. If you have that someone be thankful, it’s always easy to find all their faults but when you need them to live the vows there may not be anything more rewarding in life.

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Day 657 Footprints washed from my mind

14 11 2014

Another week with my babies is done. It’s a tough thing to drop them off but man do I love my every minute with them. They are so full of life and they teach me so much. They still have a lot of innocence which I lost many years ago and with the that I learn from them. Just like my daughter said this morning  we may not get breakfast here again so we should appreciate it right daddy? Absolutely!

If you have never been to the beach I think everyone should go just to walk the shoreline with bare feet. It’s an amazing feeling but one of the few times we get to see our footprint. I think I spend about a minute looking behind me noticing my footprint and then watching it get washed away. As I walk the shoreline I continue to make footprints though but no matter what they get washed away every time. If I look back they are gone but still in my mind and if I look forward I see the new ones I’m making by putting one foot in front of the other. Last night I did the second part of my radio show and I thought about all the footprints I had made in my past. I have a hard time remembering the good ones but they bad ones stick. I almost cried twice during the show just thing about those moments. People think they know because of my blog and sure you get about 15% of me.What you don’t know is the emotion that came with those moments. The emotions are what shaped me and dammit they hurt. I left a lot of footprints that maybe only 2 people know them all and that’s probably safe for most but with that when the show ended last night I was truly happy. I’m leaving some really cool footprints now and some people have told me the things I say and do don’t leave them. I thought they all get washed away but I learning otherwise. I’m so thankful that life is able to be re-created and it was done through the bad things that I’m learning to be thankful for. I know this my daughter put her head on my shoulder last night driving home from the show and said dad I’m really proud of you, you’re doing good things. The footprints I left before would have never got my daughter to say that. When you walk the beach next time and you see your footprints wash away remember that it’s not what you see in your past that matters but what you left people to see tomorrow.





Day 654 This guy really disgusted me

11 11 2014

Thank you Veterans. These words are not enough but I try when I see a veteran to thank them in person. Just the fact I can write this blog without persecution is just one of the many of 1000’s I can do because of you. If you have never seen Band of Brothers and what the men of the 100 1st Airborne please Watch it, Its amazing.

You meet people in your life that change you eventually. It may not matter when they came into your life but they were there for a lesson, a reminder, or just to show you how not to be. Going back  to my college days. I had some rough friends. They had good to them for sure but the side that was most shown was their nasty, angry or just down right disgusting side. Usually Thursday night in college is the night most go out because most skip on Friday or just decide that their getting ready for a great weekend early. This group of guys mostly my Rugby buddies would start drinking and having shenanigans around 9:00 by 11:00 we were all drunk and having the most fun, starting fights, or just telling stories and singing rugby songs that everyone wanted to hear. This one guy (remains anonymous) was always the center of attention, he had a commanding presence, people followed him, he told the jokes nobody would tell, he just didn’t give a crap what people thought about him. I always watched him no matter what he did, I liked him sometimes but I was stuck with him in the group so I just dealt with him. He was a jerk, depressed, a liar, disgusting, and he treated women like crap and I always thought when I saw him : if people knew him nobody would laugh at him, or listen to him. What a joke of a man. I would watch him, take women of all kinds by the hand after some words, like your so beautiful, if you had a real man like me I wold love you, give you everything, I would tell you how great you are and tell you all the things you’ve never been told and walk them to the men’s  bathroom of our Rugby bar. I knew what he did because I would go to the bathroom and listen to what he told them and them instruct them to get naked then he would have his way with them. He would buy them a beer when he was done with them. Sometimes kiss them and seriously go to the next one. Sometimes he did this three times a night. One night I stopped him when he was sitting on the curb trying not to throw up and asked him. What in the hell are you doing? Why are you doing this to these women. He looked at me and said I just want someone to love me, I want to know I’m enough, I want to be like the good-looking guys, so I feel that way for about 3 minutes and then I have to deal with what a piece of shit  I am. I patted him on the leg and said okay man. I felt so pitiful for him, I wanted to help him but had no idea what to do or say to him. So I just sat and watched him destroy himself and so many women around him and was disgusted with the man I saw everyday. Why do I tell you this today. That man was me. Thats how I lived my college days. I know its in the past thank God, I hated me and was disgusted with who I was. That is why today I tell my story so maybe just one young man will have his eyes opened and save himself and so many women from the pain and scars that I brought upon so many. Good thing I’m forgiven and I know this and I have done my best to make amends with those I effected. I stand as  a broken man of God hoping you pass this along to someone who needs to hear it and know that we can all rise from the ashes. I’m living proof.





Day 654 This guy really disgusted me

11 11 2014

Thank you Veterans. These words are not enough but I try when I see a veteran to thank them in person. Just the fact I can write this blog without persecution is just one of the many of 1000’s I can do because of you. If you have never seen Band of Brothers and what the men of the 100 1st Airborne please Watch it, Its amazing.

You meet people in your life that change you eventually. It may not matter when they came into your life but they were there for a lesson, a reminder, or just to show you how not to be. Going back  to my college days. I had some rough friends. They had good to them for sure but the side that was most shown was their nasty, angry or just down right disgusting side. Usually Thursday night in college is the night most go out because most skip on Friday or just decide that their getting ready for a great weekend early. This group of guys mostly my Rugby buddies would start drinking and having shenanigans around 9:00 by 11:00 we were all drunk and having the most fun, starting fights, or just telling stories and singing rugby songs that everyone wanted to hear. This one guy (remains anonymous) was always the center of attention, he had a commanding presence, people followed him, he told the jokes nobody would tell, he just didn’t give a crap what people thought about him. I always watched him no matter what he did, I liked him sometimes but I was stuck with him in the group so I just dealt with him. He was a jerk, depressed, a liar, disgusting, and he treated women like crap and I always thought when I saw him : if people knew him nobody would laugh at him, or listen to him. What a joke of a man. I would watch him, take women of all kinds by the hand after some words, like your so beautiful, if you had a real man like me I wold love you, give you everything, I would tell you how great you are and tell you all the things you’ve never been told and walk them to the men’s  bathroom of our Rugby bar. I knew what he did because I would go to the bathroom and listen to what he told them and them instruct them to get naked then he would have his way with them. He would buy them a beer when he was done with them. Sometimes kiss them and seriously go to the next one. Sometimes he did this three times a night. One night I stopped him when he was sitting on the curb trying not to throw up and asked him. What in the hell are you doing? Why are you doing this to these women. He looked at me and said I just want someone to love me, I want to know I’m enough, I want to be like the good-looking guys, so I feel that way for about 3 minutes and then I have to deal with what a piece of shit  I am. I patted him on the leg and said okay man. I felt so pitiful for him, I wanted to help him but had no idea what to do or say to him. So I just sat and watched him destroy himself and so many women around him and was disgusted with the man I saw everyday. Why do I tell you this today. That man was me. Thats how I lived my college days. I know its in the past thank God, I hated me and was disgusted with who I was. That is why today I tell my story so maybe just one young man will have his eyes opened and save himself and so many women from the pain and scars that I brought upon so many. Good thing I’m forgiven and I know this and I have done my best to make amends with those I effected. I stand as  a broken man of God hoping you pass this along to someone who needs to hear it and know that we can all rise from the ashes. I’m living proof.





Day 652 I want answers now

10 11 2014

Another beautiful and tiring weekend. My babies and I packed a ton of things in. We went to our first hockey game. They loved it and became very passionate especially during the two fights that went on. Like any kids when I asked them the favorite part the answers I got were the nachos and when I farted walking up the stairs.  Parenting fun always. Whenever you struggle as a parent sometimes you get the words when you need them. I was staring at a piece of paper on my desk and Morgan came by and sad Dad I know it’s harder for you because you’re a single parent but you’re doing great. All worries left me for a bit and when you think you’re struggling the most you hear it from a great place.

If you’re anything like me – or most people in the world – you like to know what’s coming next in your life. But how do you handle it when you want an answer and don’t get one? Maybe you’ve been praying for a specific answer about the next phase of your life – a move you need to make, an important decision, a romantic partner, or any type of change. Yet despite the fact that you’ve diligently sought an answer, it simply hasn’t come. It can be a frustrating place almost crippling at times.  Even though I’m closer to God than I ever have been I still struggle with time and answers. I try not to be this way but here it is: Hey God I’m going to lunch at 11 I’ll be back around 1:00 if I don’t hear from you I ll take it from here. I think I got so used to doing things wrong that even when I may hear from God I dismiss it as my stupid wants or needs and not his.I need answers on career, my love life or lack of one and what to do about that, what do I dream of or want. I had a real deep conversation last week about what do you want to do. That may frustrate me more than anything, Do you want to be a speaker, a home builder, do you want to be a business owner again, what are you going to do for God, are you going to buy or build a house, what happens if my mom gets worse, how  do I handle my soon to be teenage daughter. I know what many you will say, prayer harder (just FYI don’t tell people who its stupid, if you pray your praying the best you can or know how, telling people who is like when you get scared don’t breathe harder) just listen to God, Leave the world behind you, just go with your heart. I agree with all of that and this. When you’re not hearing God let the people who are close to you know what you’re struggling with. They may not have any answers but they may have all them. Just the fact they listen may get you where you want to be. I think we don’t hear ourselves when we speak and when we tell someone else, the answer was exactly in what we said.Usually answers come in the form of a song, a prayer, a friend that chooses not to talk but listen feed back your words to you. Just know God has never left us. I mean never. He is right there next to us in our homes, in the car, in our workplace. He’s not there to beat us over the head for doing wrong or being wrong just there to love and listen when we choose. Thanks to the people in my life that take the time out for a few little words in a text, a phone call, or a giant smash of reality when I need it. My answers are coming!





Day 652 I want answers now

9 11 2014

Another beautiful and tiring weekend. My babies and I packed a ton of things in. We went to our first hockey game. They loved it and became very passionate especially during the two fights that went on. Like any kids when I asked them the favorite part the answers I got were the nachos and when I farted walking up the stairs.  Parenting fun always. Whenever you struggle as a parent sometimes you get the words when you need them. I was staring at a piece of paper on my desk and Morgan came by and sad Dad I know it’s harder for you because you’re a single parent but you’re doing great. All worries left me for a bit and when you think you’re struggling the most you hear it from a great place.

If you’re anything like me – or most people in the world – you like to know what’s coming next in your life. But how do you handle it when you want an answer and don’t get one? Maybe you’ve been praying for a specific answer about the next phase of your life – a move you need to make, an important decision, a romantic partner, or any type of change. Yet despite the fact that you’ve diligently sought an answer, it simply hasn’t come. It can be a frustrating place almost crippling at times.  Even though I’m closer to God than I ever have been I still struggle with time and answers. I try not to be this way but here it is: Hey God I’m going to lunch at 11 I’ll be back around 1:00 if I don’t hear from you I ll take it from here. I think I got so used to doing things wrong that even when I may hear from God I dismiss it as my stupid wants or needs and not his.I need answers on career, my love life or lack of one and what to do about that, what do I dream of or want. I had a real deep conversation last week about what do you want to do. That may frustrate me more than anything, Do you want to be a speaker, a home builder, do you want to be a business owner again, what are you going to do for God, are you going to buy or build a house, what happens if my mom gets worse, how  do I handle my soon to be teenage daughter. I know what many you will say, prayer harder (just FYI don’t tell people who its stupid, if you pray your praying the best you can or know how, telling people who is like when you get scared don’t breathe harder) just listen to God, Leave the world behind you, just go with your heart. I agree with all of that and this. When you’re not hearing God let the people who are close to you know what you’re struggling with. They may not have any answers but they may have all them. Just the fact they listen may get you where you want to be. I think we don’t hear ourselves when we speak and when we tell someone else, the answer was exactly in what we said.Usually answers come in the form of a song, a prayer, a friend that chooses not to talk but listen feed back your words to you. Just know God has never left us. I mean never. He is right there next to us in our homes, in the car, in our workplace. He’s not there to beat us over the head for doing wrong or being wrong just there to love and listen when we choose. Thanks to the people in my life that take the time out for a few little words in a text, a phone call, or a giant smash of reality when I need it. My answers are coming!





Day 650 Light always cancels out darkness

7 11 2014

Day 650 Light always cancels out darkness.








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