Day 640 Sometimes there are no answers

28 10 2014

My babies and I spent about 1.5 looking for Halloween costumes. I would rather snipe hunt  all day than do that again. If you’re not sure what snipe hunting in Google it then go do it. It’s very relaxing. We are going as Sonic the hedge hog and a nerd fairy. I’m not sure what a nerd fairy is but as a friend of mine said put wings on anything. So there you go.

Today was a rough day: We buried the ashes of a family member that committed suicide last Sunday. After my divorce I have place in my heart for death of any kind that I never had before. I cry, I hurt, I feel for those that grieve, I put myself in those shoes. I especially grieve for those dealing with suicide. The family is left with a lifetime of guilt and wander. The kids are left with a feeling of no worth, no love and a void that can never be filled. I talked to our family member its been a month ago. He called out of the blue from an unknown number. He asked a lot of questions and I gave him so resources. I told him I would do anything for him. Just ask. I would hold his hand, drive him anywhere etc.. his mind was already made up on that call. I hoped he would call me again but I knew when my mom called and just mentioned his name what had happened.

I wont rant about suicide and the ignorance in folks or the little they know about it.  How weak someone is etc… Here’s what I will tell you. The person that commits suicide or attempts it is trying to do us a favor. The have lost every bit of worth, love, fake emotion, and heroism from their   body. they are a dead person walking. The worst part is that our minds are like weapons. They can be so powerful for good but can also destroy in which they do with suicide. People that commit suicide don’t want to they think they are doing us a favor and get them out of your life.Your world would be better without them. If they only knew. Today I counted 208 people at the funeral. If some how we could gather the love we have for someone video it and sending to the hurting then it may stop someone. No  guarantees but they mattered and so do you.

I used to be one ” of those people who based people who committed or attempted suicide. I would talk about how weak they were, coward and stupid. They had damned themselves to hell. All because I didn’t understand suicide. Well the Karma train stopped by train station August 27th 2011. As many of you know I had lost “EVERYTHING” I thought was important. I had finally crossed that line and decided the world and my family, friends and anyone else was better without me. I had written the letter, and at 9:58 pm I sat at he Top of a hill in Aubrey Texas and was ready to make that trip that everyone else deserved. I got lucky that day. I didn’t deserve to live, I was a coward, weak, and stupid and I knew. One rushing thought of my kids and I just stopped everything. Why did I deserve that day to stay alive. Maybe I did want to live and I was looking for attention. Nobody knew of my plan so that wasn’t true. Or maybe I just had it with me and all I failed to do and see, that I lost all control and self-worth, and nobody loved me. What a lie it was! I got lucky!

Today I take that broken man, who has a relationship with God and is truer to everyone he is around and I try to change lives. I hurt, grieve, I smile, I love like I never have. I tell me story to those that want to hear it and those that don’t. My story may change lives or a life. If you get a second chance its time to pay up and do whatever you can to help someone in need. I promise they are around you right now. People screaming out in the quiet for a face, a hand, or an encouraging word. Chris you are loved yesterday, today and tomorrow. You are gone but because of you and many others I will press on and hope that I can catch them the moment before and let them see that they are loved and worthy. Sometimes there are no answers but sometimes there are. Walk outside of yourself and live for someone else. You’ll be glad you did.

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2 responses

28 10 2014
Lindsay Weir

Sorry for your loss 😞. Praying for your family. I have been there too.

29 10 2014
divorcetohealing

Thanks for sharing and being raw/real. I am sure a message that includes some of these thoughts, especially your testimony, will go over well with the folks you minister to like the kids. Be blessed!!

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