Day 617 What Im scared of

6 10 2014

My sports weekend was greatness. My high school won their homecoming game which  I attended, my TCU Horned Frogs upset  the Oklahoma Sooners, and my beloved Cowboys Won and actually look like a real team. Most importantly though my sons team won their first flag football game 21-7. They were so happy. The innocence s it’s still a game at that age is greatness and no matter do they get snack.

When I don’t have my kids a try to fill my schedule to keep my mind occupied. It maybe blogging, concert, church, men’s group, sporting event, or driving. I escape when I drive I crank up the radio and take my mind many places. Some good and some not so good. It says in Philippians 4 versus 6 and 7: Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything; tell God your needs and don’t forget to thank him for his answers. If you do this you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as your trust in Christ Jesus. Okay so I believe it and I promise I try to follow it but I fall so short. Replace worry with scared I think they go hand in hand.  When I drive my mind goes to those places where I’m worry and I get scared. I do pray about them but I haven’t found that peace but I know it’s still I’m trying to understand Jesus and what he’s doing with me. So what scares me: I never said any of this was right, thoughtful, logical, not selfish, or good to think about just my thoughts.

Not fulfilling my life. I miss the boat and I never get the fill the peace because what I thought was fulfilling was for me and not others. That something happens to me the week I don’t have my kids and nobody finds me for a few days. Do my kids reach their potential, or did what we do  to them through our divorced screw them up. Will I truly have fun again or put on a funny face so people think its real, will I do half of the things on my bucket list. Will I let go of the past things that I still beat myself up about, will people look back and say that’s what you need to pattern yourself as a man. Will I ever fall in love again, will I allow myself to fall in love again. Will I get married again, will I wear a ring on my finger again, will I love you ever have the same meaning, Do I have to keep doing this dating bullshit because it sucks, How will my mom deteriorate from Parkinson’s. Will I get to see my son and daughter married, will I be a grandparent, when okay isn’t enough, do I make enough money, will I lose my health, am I really a changed man, why can’t I find my happiness, what are my dreams now. What happens when I get lost.

So that’s what goes through my mind. I know pretty scary place. I will continue following God’s word and putting people in my life that are there to help carry on my life and write more chapters. I can only handle one at a time so I start by grabbing one of those. Anyway I know that worrying will get me a big fat zero so Im working on faith and that I can only do what its in front of me. I also know Im not on a island with my thoughts and that helps too.

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