One of my most interesting weekends in a long time. I had a great time and even took a nap today. If you know me that’s a rarity. Friday night football in Texas is something you have to attend. It’s really remarkable how a whole town can be there. We went to speak and pray for two different teams on Friday. One in Bryson Texas. 6 man football. It’s a town of about 500 people. My friend Rick and I get there and saw kids petting an animal. I said that’s a funny looking dog but when the kids stepped back it was a baby deer. The kids explained that The mother deer had died, the kids at the school started feeding it and taking care of the deer. It’s the most friendly animal ever. I leaned down to get a pic and it kissed me. Only in small town Texas on a Friday night do I get tongue kissed by a deer.
Those who know me and read this blog for a while know Im trying really hard to be a man who is patterning himself to be like Jesus. I fail so often, my mouth is like a sailor, Im inappropriate with jokes, I still get pretty angry sometimes, but the one thing I can say is when it comes to sex I have done a damn good job in following what I should. I love sex and always have and I have hurt a lot of women with my selfish desires in my lifetime. I have created soul-ties and scars on women that I never should have. Sure they were responsible too but I’m a man and my job is to lead and show a woman how she should be treated not treat her like every other man has. Since August of 2011 I ve had sex 3 times. That’s 3 to many too. One of them was more of I want to do it and get it over with. the other two were because I was dating and did it. It’s not that they weren’t enjoyable just wrong. Last time was last November and yes Im dying and I want it like any other man but I know if I do that I can’t defend women from me. That I putting my desires above whats best for them. Im not looking for a Jesus Christ trophy or way to go but Im trying to show others and myself that if you have sex with someone you don’t care about its a killer even at my age.
Yesterday I saw a friend of mine and he told, so proud of you and your journey and how your helping others etc.. After about 5 minutes he said I know you’re not dating anyone but are you scoring. (I know ladies we are pigs and you don’t want to know what we say about you when your not around!)I said no you know I trying not to. It said whats wrong with you, we as men need it, it feels good, it would calm you down too. He grabs my shoulder and said just have sex man nobody is going to think less of you. I told him maybe but I will and that’s too much to bear. I explained to him that we all want to be loved and have people think that we are the best thing under the sun. One of the only ways we truly show it is through sex. If I knowingly have sex with someone I don’t care about but just need to get my rocks off then that makes me a pretty shitty man. I said have you ever sat down in front a woman and asked her for forgiveness for taking something (sex) that ddidn’tbelong to you? If you have never watched a woman cry big tears because 1. a man has never apologized for having sex with her when I didn’t care 2. I left a wound on her that she carried 20 years later. I said I have and Im trying not to do that again one because I don’t want to have another woman cry over me in that way, but I have a daughter and she deserves better to. I have to be an example starting now. He said I don’t understand but i want to. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done and many times I want to pick up the phone, call, drive over and be done. The feelings that come with that are indescribable. Not saying I wont fail and do it maybe even tomorrow but Im trying to be what Jesus asked.
So Im not better than any man that’s not trying it Im just trying to be the example that I had never had been before. It’s hard to get up and tell young men and grown man how to overcome when you’re not doing different. I also know that If I can fight my desires that when I fall in love again it will be love and not lust. I failed in the lust war so its time to try love.
My New Life 