Day 572 I know I hurt my children with our divorce

24 08 2014

I got to do my first speaking to high school students yesterday . Such a great day. The school is inner city and I was worried what I had to say wouldn’t really apply. It went off great and our team of speakers is something Im truly proud of .

Last night I was coming home and had one of those moments that stay with you for a while. I was coming up Hwy 35 going home and on the opposite side of the road you could see a car was on fire. It had just started  and since in flight or fight I always fight. I was trying to figure out where to park/ what to do to help call 911 etc.. When I pull up the car has a small explosion Im guessing the gas tank is on fire and then I look about 20 yards down the road and there are horses everywhere. There is also a truck and trailer overturned but then I see 3 people giving CPR to a man around my age right in the middle of the highway. Nobody had answers to anything and there was no emergency personal on site yet. I went as close as I could to the car on fire to see if there was a body but no and then I just came back and watched this lady perform CPR. She was working so hard but the guy still wasn’t breathing . I kind of caught my mind and went to gather the horses back up. I got one and tied it to the trailer but I couldn’t help but think of the guy. I have no idea if he died but for some reason I put myself as that guy and hoped more than anything that he lived and hope many people loved him. I have no idea what caused me to think  that but man it was so surreal.

When you get divorced and you have children Im not sure you ever know  the true pain it causes your children. They have emotion and feelings that they have no idea how to tell you about and usually they don’t come out until there older and the anger and bitterness is revealed with it. If I could change it I would and now I know that there are things that will come up over time and I just have to learn to deal with them in the right way. Friday morning I had no idea what to do. I was trying to get Brayden dressed since somehow he got his shirt on but it was inside out and backwards. While i was helping he said Dad are you coming to my first day of school on Monday? I said you know it I wouldn’t miss it. He said no are you coming with mommy. I said yes we will both be there. He said no daddy will you be there married to mommy. I m so glad there wasn’t a picture  of my face because Im sure it was like I was about to throw up. I stood up because I was about to cry and  sat down on the floor with him and explained about his mom and I also told him I was sorry which is the first time I told him that about our divorce.. I then let him play and walked into my bathroom and cried like a child. To know that age 3 when we got divorced I left a scar on him that deep. At 5 years old that he was able to tell me that was incredible. When we were ready to leave the house he looked at me said its okay daddy just be there Monday okay.

I saw all of this to tell you. That no matter what you think divorce will scare your kids. If you can do anything to save your marriage do it. It takes work and letting go of a lot of things. Kids don’t want to see their parents in a bad marriage either but they will remember good or bad. My job and our job as parents is to always have open lines of communication and take responsibility for your marriage mistakes so hopefully our kids wont repeat them.

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7 responses

24 08 2014
triciamoore78

Thank you for sharing this story about you and your son. I know I have had many discussions with my kids about divorce and what that means to our family. Thank you for being a good Dad to your kids and for wanting to make a difference for their future. You are one of a kind and I appreciate your honesty.

25 08 2014
Ellespeth

Even though you and I record our lives in different forms, this entry touched me so. On many levels. There is the real and living breathing child left wondering and hurt and there is that inner child. Sometimes it’s just impossible to console both.
Ellespeth

28 08 2014
Core Health Dynamics

Wow, pretty amazing Post, very heartfelt!
My kids are aged 10 (with Autism), and I have twins aged 8 (one with Down Syndrome). I’m divorced going on 6 years now.We have shared custody, and although it took a while, I know I’m a better Father this way that what I would have been if I still lived with my ex-Wife.. The odd question still comes up from the kids (my 8 year old Son asked me a few weeks ago ‘Why did you leave Mummy’?…that was hard…), but as long as my kids are happy and healthy, that’s all I need.
You sound like a great Dad, have faith that your kids will reflect the best of you and that they’ll be ok. 🙂
Cheers,
Rich.

2 09 2014
5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30 Years Of Love | lovelyseasonscomeandgo

[…] Day 572 I know I hurt my children with our divorce […]

19 09 2014
apoetic1

Brought tears to my eyes. My son was 7 when we separated, but he had already experienced so much negativity with me as the shield and both of us the targets. I didn’t want him raised to believe what was happening in our lives was okay. My ex & I had extremely different views on children. I would never put anyone or anything before my son. I’d die for him if I knew someone else to would provide. His dad, if he had to choose between me or his son, he would’ve sacrificed his son… because he “chose” me & could always have more “off spring”. Now, if you’ve read any of my poetry, particularly “My Hero”, you have a tiny glimpse of how intense my feelings run. To have the passion I have, esp. for him and to know my spouse didn’t care half as much, and to add to that the emotional abuse my son suffered (I would not let him be beat)… if I was capable of living with everything else (and I was), that was the ultimate straw that broke my will. I say all this to say sometimes you’re just not meant to stick it out. As adults, we make mistakes & create these huge messes, and just sometimes… they’re too big to clean up. God forgives us, and children do too, the problem lies in truly forgiving ourselves. Letting go of the guilt and shame and utter disappointment of failure, particularly in the one area we are convinced should be the most secure, safe and infallible. Life happens and we are all capable of things we never want to admit… it is human nature, but then there’s God and redemption and rebirth and Truth… and it all comes together eventually, if we let it. You are exactly where you should be at this time, so continue to be open, genuine, humble, and loving. Children are resilient and capable of such immeasurable forgiveness and love.

21 09 2014
coastalmom

You’re an amazing father. You are an amazing man. I hate divorce. My kids were 4 and 11 when it happened to our family. The one thing that both their dad and I did, was remain friends to the day he died too early.
When he was dying, he sent for me. By the time I got there, he was too out of it to really say what I know he wanted to. He just kept saying he was sorry. He knew our divorce crushed me. I tried to do everything to save our marriage but by the time he moved out, I was done. And then shortly after that, I met my husband. Even today if I think too hard about where I was back then and where I am today with grown children and all, a desperate feeling goes through me, a kind of panic that is a bit surreal.
My niece, (his sister’s daughter) told me that he told her, would have wanted me back if I hadn’t married. It all is just so sad. We loved each other. His drugh and alcohol and had living life led him to an early grave. I needed to finally abandoned ship and save the kids. I hung in for 14 years.
My husband is great he loves me and I couldn’t ask for more. I love him too, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder what if…
I have always felt such guilt for not hanging in.
YOU are a great example, I have a feeling that you will creat a redeeming story with a message in all situations!
Thanks for sharing! And for always loyally reading my words!
xoxo

21 09 2014
coastalmom

Sorry, reread my messy comment and not sure what my keyboard did… but should have edited!!!

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