Day 396 Maybe not on second marriage

10 02 2014

Its official I m ready for spring. The weather in Texas has been off its Zanex and were all sick. Somebody is sneezing, couching or wiping their nose every time you turn around! I almost bought one of those white Michael Jackson masks to protect myself! I wonder sometimes if Obamacare is to blame! That’s a joke if anyone cared to laugh! Im also watching the Olympics and I wish I knew how to snowboard but not sure when you weigh 250 lbs your meant to do it!

I would to preface this by saying  this is something that I hope doesn’t happen! My dad had a friend we called uncle and at 29 he got divorced and had two kids. The month before I graduated  he told me that he was never getting married again and that the pain that divorce caused him and his children just wasn’t worth it! Well in all my infinite wisdom at 18 I told him how stupid he was and that there is no way that would happen and the loneliness would catch up to him. Well  Uncle died at 72 and his longest relationship was 3 months between the ages of 29-72. I couldn’t imagine how that would have felt until now. I thought of it many times but I get it now.  That whole thing that time heals all wounds is crap! With Time the mind protecting its sanity covers it with scar tissue and it lessons and the pain  but it never disappears. Please don’t give me the crap that you’re not healed and you haven’t  dealt with it. I promise that Im better than 95% of the men in the world dealing with divorce because I dug myself into making myself better and learning and trying not to escape the pain. So if your over your divorce and you never think about and it never bothers you will congrats. I will let you borrow my Superbowl trophy and Grammy I won!

Here’s what I believe which makes me think today I may never be married again! I have a fear to learn to love someone else! Sure I could be in a hollow, go through the emotions relationship. I could find the women that is gorgeous, fake, can’t carry a conversation, doesn’t know how to laugh and judges everyone, but I’ll pass. Sure at times I crave so much to be touched and hold a  womens but then Im like nope that’s too much to do! I know Im a strange bird. I could just go have sex with random women and feel that temporary relief and that person cares about me and then move on but I will not do that. I played that game and hear this ladies: It does bother us men and we carry a burden but we are to macho to let you know it!

Im not blaming women this is my problem: I think if I ever came to love again I would be better at because I learned how bad I was at it the first time even though through society standards for 10 of the 14 years I was pretty good. I will never be the exception to the rule either no matter how hard I try or pretend. I have to stop seeing Jesus the way I do myself so then maybe I would let someone in. I have to ask Jesus to let me be the man he sees me for. Okay so I do that but I never want to walk around in a relationship again where these feelings were present: hurt, thinking she has never loved me, alone in a relationship, no loyalty and giving up at just the moment you need them.

God is not an enabler he gives you what you seek (see free will) and I can say this my picker of women was broken and as two of my friends tell me all the time( every girl you like is really hot, fake and bitchy) Then when they slap realty into my face Im like crap this train I have been on picking women is not good! Why can’t I change it! So we go with what is comfortable! No matter how bad it is for us! I have to change my type but also I can’t look for a women that’s like me. I don’t want to be rescued or have to rescue someone else.  Ive done that and I sank the boat.

So what do I do: First and foremost don’t lead another women on! I have to give someone a chance. I keep hearing when you find the right one! Well you actually have to give “her” a chance” for her to ever be the right one!  I have to know she will hurt me but hopefully its out of an accident and not intentional!  Want to be loved again not just say it! Finally pray and listen. I have to come to the end of myself so God can open the door! All these things apply to me and you as well! Otherwise I will be 72 and die alone!

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