Day 377 Stupid control freaks

22 01 2014

Its Hump day and I need the weekend! I think I laugh every time I hear someone  say hump day because I’m still of a Jr. high mentality. I heard about happiness and what we think it means and if we can get more we will be happier. I totally disagree: I believe If we’re not happy with what we already have there is no way we will be happy with more. I still struggle with this but not with myself as much as giving to others. If I can give them more they will be happy or happier but that’s not always true.

I want to think Donald Miller for his thoughts and incite! He’s an amazing author and man, and helped give me some thoughts on this. I’m a recovering control freak (still working on it)! I always had to know what I was doing, who surround me and tell them how to do it. If they didn’t do it my way I wasn’t liked and worse disrespected . Well I have found that is the biggest load of crap I have ever experienced. I can pick a control freak out in about two minutes and guess what control freaks control nothing and I mean nothing. Oh we think we do, but sadly we might as well open our hands and realize nothing is in the our hands just like in our thoughts but sadly we don’t even know were doing it.

From Donald Miller:

I realized I was a controlling person not long ago when a therapist caught me in the act. I was wondering out loud why a friend was doing what she was doing and the therapist questioned why I was trying to get inside somebody else’s head.

“What does it matter why people do what they do? Are you trying to predict behavior to gain a sense of security?”

It was a terrific observation. Trying to figure out why people are doing what they are doing is a preface to trying to control or influence them indirectly. If I really wanted to know why they were doing what they were doing, I could just ask. But I didn’t want to ask because it was none of my business. They had a right to think and do as they wished.

Turns out controlling tendencies can hide anywhere.

And most of the time (if not all the time) we don’t know we’re doing it.

The therapist went on to explain how relationships should work. She put three large couch pillows on the floor and stood on one of the outside cushions. She then had me stand on the other outside cushion so there was an empty cushion between us.

“This is my pillow” she said, “and that is yours. This is my life and that is yours. The pillow in the middle represents our relationship. So, my responsibility is all about the pillow I’m standing on and yours is about yours. Together, we are responsible for the relationship. But at no point should I be stepping on your pillow.”

What she meant by that was this:

I can’t change anybody. I can’t force them or guilt them or shame them into doing anything. All I can do is stay on my pillow and ask myself whether or not I like the relationship. If I don’t, I can tell the other person what I want in a relationship and see if they want the same thing. If not, I move on, and so do they.

In marriage, of course, it’s much harder. You can’t just walk away. But in business relationships and friendships, and even in dating, the model works quite well.

I found the metaphor freeing, actually. No more wishing people would change or explaining “if they only did it this way we would be better friends.” Instead, I just say “this relationship doesn’t work” and there’s nothing I can do about it. If I’ve explained what I want in a relationship but the other person isn’t on board, no harm no foul.

It’s difficult in some relationships, I know, because sometimes you have to watch people destroy their lives, but that’s just the point. Their lives are theirs to destroy.

Back to me:

So how do you know if you’re a controlling person: Im glad you asked. Just know you are not likeable no matter what someone will say to you. I especially dislike it and dislike myself when I catch myself.

You imagine a life in which somebody else was different, and indirectly try to affect their change.

You get angry when things aren’t going your way and you let people know it.

You can only be surrounded by people who are submissive to you.

You give the silent treatment to people you are angry with.

You are often tempted to show somebody the errors they don’t see in themselves.

The only way to fix this is get some help and start catching yourself doing these things and stop them now.

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