Day 347 I miss my daddy

23 12 2013

Guess who is done with their Christmas shopping three days? Yep this guy! I know I’m  awesome but someone has to old up their end of this. My Cowboys  did the impossible and won today. I hope they don’t break our little lovey hearts next week. I’m going to start offering free hugs to everyone. The rage and anger of the world is becoming unbearable and my hugs are known to make people smile so if you want one let me know. I ll find you. I’m going to make people smile somehow.

No matter how far away the death of my daddy was it still hurts this time of year the most.December 19th 2004 we brought my dad from the hospital and put him in hospice at home. I really thought he may die before Christmas but my dad was stubborn and lived until February 11th 2005. We brought him home because we were just in the waiting game . There was nothing for the Dr’s to do and all we can do is wait for him to die. The biggest reason though is the holidays was my dad’s time. He loved it most because his family was together and under the same roof. He didn’t smile a lot the last three years of his life but when we all sat at the table his face somehow found a smile. He never wanted gifts only to see his family together , but I think for the biggest reason he knew his days were numbered.

I was numb to who my dad was. I had already went through the stages of sadness, despair, total disbelief, anger, hate. At this point I was numb to his disability and sickness and was ready for him  to die. Even though I knew it was his last I saw a man who couldn’t even wipe himself and who essentially given up on life. I didn’t want him alive and I didn’t want to see him that way anymore. I still did like to watch him open his presents though. Every year I bought him summer sausage from Hickory Farms, shirts, and peanuts. He was easy to please and he always was surprised to get the gifts every time. That last Christmas he showed a little emotion I think the 27 medicines he was on didn’t allow him to do much except to stare into space. My mom told me later that he didn’t take some of his medicine that day so  he could be a part, even though he was in extreme pain. We had steak, potato and all the things that went along with it. I sat across from him and remembered so many things as he took about 3 minutes to chew and swallow every bite. The one thing I didn’t do is appreciate him while he was alive.

If you know my story my daddy died about 7 weeks after we brought him home. He died in his bed , in his room with me holding his hand. December 7th 2011. I went to my father’s grave and told him I forgive you dad and please forgive me. Since that day my life has changed in so many positive ways but also it hurts a little more too during the holidays. I wish he knew that I did appreciate him, and I was still growing as a man and I would do anything to hear his voice and wisdom again. I miss daddy and I really wish he knew it as much as I feel it. I went to the mall last week and walked by the Hickory Farms display and just smiled and wished one more time I could buy it and let me dad be surprised that he got it. This time of the year is to give thanks and start over and its never to late to tell those that you love or should be loving how important they are. Forgiveness isn’t for them it’s for us! Do yourself a favor and tell them before you can’t. When they’re gone you have memories and nothing more, but his year even though I miss him I’m starting to appreciate our times and smiles together.

 

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