Day 342 I have to forgive myself!

18 12 2013

Little known fact about me. I like the Christmas hustle and bustle, I like the crowds, I don’t mind watching the kid cry on Santa’s lap, i don’t mind shopping. Since my kids are with their mom I’m getting to do that this week but my Lord people are Aholes.  If all of it such a big deal online shop or just tell people you didn’t shop because you’re an ahole. The attitude that people have with others is worse this time of year than any other. Oh well you’re not ruining my spirit or I’ll bonk you on the head.

AS you have told me, friends and family as well you should speak and get in front of people so they can hear you story and get a glimpse of hope. I got hooked up with an amazing organization called Rock Bottom Outreach and went to my first event Sunday. The name says it all and they are real and their stories offer hope to the hopeless. After listening I knew I wanted to be a part and the Director has given me the okay which is amazing. We came to a time at the end about what to do next whats the action plan to move forward. AS the Director (Rick) stood up he talked about forgiveness and what it can do but what un-forgiveness is doing. He said I haven’t, can’t, but I try to forgive myself . Then my head popped up like a Gopher from its hole. Is that what my issue is. Let me say this my life is not bad. It’s just blah!I haven’t really moved forward which I guess that means I’m moving backwards. If you cannot forgive yourself you will carry guilt, shame, anger and these things cause us to self medicate. I thought I had forgiven myself but I see myself doing things I shouldn’t. Personal forgiveness allows us to be grateful and stop the beatings we give ourselves. There is nobody harder on themselves than me. If it was a boxing match I have kicked my arse for 15 rounds but just haven’t fallen yet. When you have forgiven yourself you know because you think, treat and act different to yourself. As I mentioned to my friend Jim today if you knew what I thought about myself you would punch me. He said he knows and why can’t I see whats there. I really thought I had forgiven myself. I asked God once and made my list of past failures and thoughts. I thought I was done. I know I will never have the personal we allow should have if I don’t. I just don’t know how!

I’m not looking for pity but I’m looking for answers. I know go to God but I missed the boat there so I go back and do what. I know I will never be the man I need to

 

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