Day 320 Time to be honest again like my beginning blogs

25 11 2013

I truly need a job like a weatherman! You never have to be right  and still get paid. We were supposed to have one of the worst winter storms and wound up raining! I swear the weatherman and retail places have a deal to get us paranoid so we buy all of this stuff and then nothing happens. The only good thing is that every checkout line was open at Wal-mart so I know something fishy was going on!

Denton Rugby is now 2-0 after we beat Arlington/Grandprarie 36-5 in the cold and mud! 60 minutes of playing for me leads to a happy but extremely sore old man!

I’m not sure why I stopped pouring myself out in every blog like I did when I started.  Oh there was complete sincerity and honesty in all my posts, but I also only shared those parts of me that more and more people began to praise and come for. I became this perfect specimen of a human being because I shared only those parts of me that made me seem like I was so. Even when I shared my weaknesses back then, it was usually in a way that would make me look even more awesome for sharing them. Problem with that was that I started to feel so alone! Never really feeling like I had a true connection with anyone except by laptop and fingers.  I would get encouraged by the words of praise and down when I would get attacked.  I knew the attacks were not my problem but the guilt or shame someone else was feeling and I was the only person they could take it out on! Everyone is a badarse behind the computer screen! I wanted you the reader to say wow this guy is awesome, recovered, a great catch for a women, etc.. but what I actually felt was a fart in the wind! I will say I have more good days then bad. I think on my good days wow I’m really awesome, I’m a great dad, I m an awesome giver and a voice that men and hopefully women see as someone they could look up to or maybe strive to be like. but like  everyone my bad days are bad. I’m an ahole, loner, my thoughts are self condemning, I’m afraid and mostly boring. I waste time on my phone, Facebook and wonder what in the heck am I doing with my life. I wonder why didn’t yo do more with your kids, you just went through the emotions again Why didn’t you cook dinner rather than eat out. Who did you love, why didn’t you speak something nice to someone.
So I start dating: Sometimes I have such an active and fulfilling dating life. There is hope, and potential, and good things happening. Other times, it is falling apart or just fell apart, and I know I’ll probably never find my forever someone. I think I went through all of this learning and changes and I really suck at this! SO I push it away!

Some would think they know me but you don’t probably because you don’t want to. I’m a strange a bird and different from most. I could tell I don’t care if you like me but guess what I do. I want you to just see the great part of me and overlook the crappy side! I know its impossible but we can all want. There is obviously a reason why so many people in this world (I’d even say the overwhelming majority) hide so much of themselves. The world can be hard and cruel. But even more than that, it’s not always fun to acknowledge the weaker parts of yourself, and the more douchey parts of yourself, and the more faulted parts of yourself. It’s a lot easier to forget those things and pretend like they aren’t a part of you or that they don’t always exist. am so tired of this bull crap sentiment that bloggers put themselves out there, so they should be willing to take anything that is thrown at them. That is just something said by high-pressure, highly judgmental, lousy, and hurtful jerks. There is no excuse to condemn and harshly judge others and so openly, so quit hiding behind whatever it is you’re lying to yourself about, and leave the other people in this world alone so that they can actually be okay with themselves.I am never going to be less sensitive so that you feel better about being judgmental toward me. I am not going to only put out ridiculous and constant rainbows and sunshine so that you feel better about hiding the less than ideal parts of yourself the way I did for so long. And I’m not going to pretend I’m something I’m not so that you like me more. Those days are done for me.

So what am I saying! When I write I will continue to be honest and open. Yes it hurts but I owe to myself and honestly I owe it to you! Your taking the time to read and there isn’t a lot of time in the day.  I do love each and everyone one of you and hope that something I say sticks with you and I can make you laugh, smile, angry, vomit whatever you wish  is my command! Lol! Have the best holiday! Thank you Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing for the motivation!



2 responses

26 11 2013
Day 320 Time to be honest again like my beginning blogs | My New Life

[…] Day 320 Time to be honest again like my beginning blogs. […]

26 11 2013

You know what they say… The truth will set you free… great post as always, Barbara

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