Day 254 The story never ends

17 09 2013

Last night I drove back to my home town to a funeral visitation for a friend of mine that had been my friend since Jr. high. She lost her daughter in a car accident. It seems the only time I ever go home is for funeral visitations but when you go back for those reason you reflect  a lot on what life was , is, and what’s coming.  Then my daughter with her upper level questions how do you feel if you buried your kids first.? I said sweet girl I hope i never ever find out but I can’t even imagine what that hell would be.  I went to counseling as well yesterday and had a full  1.5 hrs of too much thinking and left with a lot more questions than answers.  I’m trying to formulate how I want to talk about my counseling session to offer some advice or hope but I’m struggling with the thoughts right now.

I saw a man who coached me at 5 years old in Pee Wee football last night and after 25 years of not seeing him and catching up he said to me. The story never ends until you do. I just said  yes sir I understand. I had no idea what in the hell he was talking about until about the other side of downtown Ft. Worth heading back to Denton.  I realized I thought part of my story had ended a few years ago but that is still a part of me and always will be. No matter if I wish it away, pray it away, forgive it away  its here. I tried to ignore it and it bite my butt. I guess my question is when does the story not jade you to life, people, situations. You can fake it till you make it but I’m talking about living and being real and transparent so you don’t have to live in an internal jail cell.

I made this post on FB  today:” I wish I could take away the pain from all of those I read on FB and walk with on a daily basis but I can’t. I can pray and say something encouraging to someone because we have no idea the internal hell there going through. I had 50 people like it. I wonder how many read the post and said FU Tyler. Pray for me it never goes away. My story is always the same. We are the only ones that change the story but we don’t believe we can so we don’t. Some people get lucky enough if you want to call it that and try to make amends but then its to late. If the story never ends we actually know the outcome right now if we keep our life on the path its going. If you don’t believe look at your parents you’re a mirror image. If we know the story never ends and we can make one slight turn then what?

This maybe my worst ramble ever. Just my thoughts after counseling. Please though try to encourage people rather than tear them down. You have no idea what is going on behind that fake smile or fake life.

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